tidal1 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Hello everyone, I’m new here – been lurking for awhile reading posts and trying to gain some understanding / control over my current situation. But maybe it’s just easier to post. My first marriage ended 2.5 years ago, and my exH, who began a relationship while we were separated, got remarried and had a baby soon after. In the meantime, I got into a very poor choice of a relationship (abusive). Between dealing with that and the feelings I had over my marriage ending and my exH moving on so quickly and easily, I started heavily dating around and eventually found myself latching on to a long-distance guy. After 4 months of dating, we got engaged, then married 10 months later. My new H is kind and a wonderful stepdad to my kids. And he's been nothing but good to me. But after moving to marry him, it felt like things started to slip quickly. I began to struggle with being around him every day – wanting my space and feeling like I gave up a lot of myself to be in the relationship. I also felt like, while we make great friends and enjoy our time together, there wasn’t a deep emotional link between us. Intimacy started fading, and we mostly started coexisting. Two months into the marriage, I traveled for a convention and became instant friends with a male attendee from not too far away from where I live. It was like magnets coming together, both with a physical and intellectual attraction. We spent every minute we could together, always seeking each other out at events. And on the last night we went off alone and wound up kissing. I knew it was wrong. I knew my H was at home with my kids. I knew this guy was married with kids – we both had shared plenty about our lives. I started shutting down at home. And at the same time, MM and I started emailing each other, then texting and calling. Talking about crazy feelings the trip had stirred up, feeling awful about it but always thinking about each other. And it all went downhill from there – EA to the extreme. We met up at a midpoint a few times for lunch and it wound up getting physical as well. A few weeks later, returning from a business trip, MM was waiting for me at the airport. He told me he had confessed the A to his W and they were talking what this meant in their relationship – that they both knew things weren’t in good shape, even before I came around. He and I agreed to go NC so we could really think about what we were doing, but I slipped after about a week and he followed suit. Now a couple months after the A, we’re still talking. Much less frequently now but still deeply. The rush-to-be-together feelings have mostly passed, and we’ve agreed we can’t leave our primary relationships for each other, but rather have to decide on our own if the relationship can and should be salvaged – and if we come together once that process has fully ended, then so be it. He says he and his wife are now discussing separation. I finally confessed to my H – he said while he’s upset, he should have seen it coming from how I had changed. And, although I’m not sure why, he wants to try to work it out. I’ve been in IC, we’re making our first attempt at MC tomorrow. I’m just so filled with doubts. I have affection for my H, but beyond that it’s all guilt and sadness. I don’t respect him like I should, and now all intimacy has gone out the door. We should be newlyweds out enjoying our new marriage, not have me already questioning and giving myself emotionally to someone else! I see now that I used him to set up a new life quickly, because I was jealous and scared and didn’t want to be alone. And I feel so much like I made the wrong choice. H is such a good man, but I’m scared that if I do force myself to let MM go and commit to working on my marriage, something will always be missing between us. And I don’t want to hurt H more than I already have. At the same time, I see how much he hurts at the idea of being alone, I don’t want to hurt my kids by having him gone from our lives, and the idea of a second failed marriage is incredibly hard. It feels like I'm a failure. My mind is also on MM constantly. I see so much in him that I wish I had sought out in a partner, and that butterfly feeling just bowls me over because I never really had it with H. Yet I’ve found myself wishing repeatedly that he would decide to stick it out with his W and have told him so. No, that’s really not what I want, but I feel terrible for causing this role in their potential split. And I guess it’s the coward’s route, too – having him make a decision for me. He says he loves me and wants to see what we could be together on the other side. And yet here I am stuck in this fog and feeling immensely selfish. Any suggestions for getting unstuck? I know NC is probably the best way to see clearly, but we keep failing.
albr2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Make a list of pros and cons for each and how it will effect EVERYONE involved, children, included. Black and white may help you see things more clearly.
ilovedhim Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 How long did your first marriage last? Why did it end? It doesn't seem like you gave yourself much time to heal. Who keeps breaking NC with you and this AP? I believe you are making the right choice going to MC and IC and trying to possibly salvage your marriage. If it doesn't work out atleast you would have no regrets and insight as to why it failed so that you don't repeat those mistakes. You'll get more responses once the thread is moved to the correct section.
Author tidal1 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Yes, thank you. I wasn't sure which was the better thread. It's a mess of both but yeah, the other board is probably better. My first marriage -- we separated at the 8 year point. We got married at 18. After the kids came along and really never working on making our relationship healthy we got distant. I started avoiding home and partying with friends, he got into an affair with a coworker, and we fought it to death without seeking help. We both have broken NC more than once. To the point where I guess we've settled on LC even though it leaves us in limbo. I need to be stronger about that.
sad puppy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I'll never understand women that are so desperate to be with a man, that they throw any and all common sense out the window. Quite frankly, you sound like you need to live on your own and just focus on being a parent. Learn a little independence. 2
Owl Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Where is the "break", the "flaw" in your marriage? So far in your first post, I've read about three relationships you've been in...two of which are appearing to have failed horribly, while one started out as an affair. What's broken here? Why?
karnak Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Where is the "break", the "flaw" in your marriage? So far in your first post, I've read about three relationships you've been in...two of which are appearing to have failed horribly, while one started out as an affair. What's broken here? Why? She is. She's immature and needy and she needs male attention at all times. Until it gets a point where she gets bored and it all starts again. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I knew it was wrong. I knew my H was at home with my kids. Tidal1, I applaud your honesty in laying this all out. Some posters either leave things out to make themselves look better or demonize other parties to make them look worse. You've done neither... Having said that, I can't help but feel especially sorry for your H. Sounds like he's not only in love with you but has adopted your kids as his own also. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you in more ways than one, your search for personal "happiness" - which you don't even seem to be able to define - comes at a terrible price for him. And probably for your kids also. Sad, sad situation... Mr. Lucky
Author tidal1 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 She is. She's immature and needy and she needs male attention at all times. Until it gets a point where she gets bored and it all starts again. Yeah, I can accept that. The counselor and I have been looking at these feelings, stemming back from an absentee dad, all of that deep-rooted stuff. But it's not an excuse for screwing up. I have a lot of growing up to do.
Author tidal1 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Having said that, I can't help but feel especially sorry for your H. Sounds like he's not only in love with you but has adopted your kids as his own also. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you in more ways than one, your search for personal "happiness" - which you don't even seem to be able to define - comes at a terrible price for him. And probably for your kids also. Sad, sad situation... Mr. Lucky Me too. Every conversation we have I see the pain setting deeper into his eyes, and I'm to the point where I hate myself. I don't know how to forgive myself, even though he's already forgiven me. We've identified that we don't really know how to communicate and are working on being genuine with each other. I'm making a conscious effort to let him take the lead more instead of always taking charge and then resenting him for it because I feel like I'm "mom" to him. We're addressing different love languages...I guess I keep hoping that something is going to spark some real conviction in me. But I know I have to find a way to find that within.
turnera Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Yeah, I can accept that. The counselor and I have been looking at these feelings, stemming back from an absentee dad, all of that deep-rooted stuff. But it's not an excuse for screwing up. I have a lot of growing up to do. Then do the right thing. Separate from your husband. Never contact OM again. Do your therapy - for your KIDS' sakes - and learn to be ok by yourself. If you can't even go six months without a man, you are doing a horrible disservice to your children. Because they will grow up to be just like you.
karnak Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Me too. Every conversation we have I see the pain setting deeper into his eyes, and I'm to the point where I hate myself. I don't know how to forgive myself, even though he's already forgiven me. We've identified that we don't really know how to communicate and are working on being genuine with each other. I'm making a conscious effort to let him take the lead more instead of always taking charge and then resenting him for it because I feel like I'm "mom" to him. We're addressing different love languages...I guess I keep hoping that something is going to spark some real conviction in me. But I know I have to find a way to find that within. At least you're honest and assume your problems. That's a very good sign and the first step towards healing and a better and healthier life . If you face your fears/phobias/inner demons and fight them you'll surely win. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 We've identified that we don't really know how to communicate and are working on being genuine with each other. I'm making a conscious effort to let him take the lead more instead of always taking charge and then resenting him for it because I feel like I'm "mom" to him. We're addressing different love languages...I guess I keep hoping that something is going to spark some real conviction in me. But I know I have to find a way to find that within. How do you focus on the important work you've described when this is going on: My mind is also on MM constantly. I see so much in him that I wish I had sought out in a partner, and that butterfly feeling just bowls me over because I never really had it with H. ... I know NC is probably the best way to see clearly, but we keep failing.. As others have pointed out, you're playing chicken with many lives - yours, your H, your kids, your MM, his wife, their kids if they have any. And your doing it by taking the coward's way out, waiting for the chips to fall and circumstances to decide your fate. Your H decides to bail, out of your hands, marriage over. Your MM commits to his wife, nothing you can do, affair ended. Nowhere in this approach is any true attempt on your part to salvage your marriage by taking the necessary steps to make it your only priority. Again, for your husband's sake, I'll point out where this leaves him - after having been cheated on by you while he takes care of your kids, he gets to be your back up plan in case things don't work out with your MM. Wow... Mr. Lucky
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