Mme. Chaucer Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 In a relationship, I think it's normal and it better be okay to not have sex if you're feeling angry, distant, untrusting, etc. As long as it's a passing moment. This is not "withholding" sex. You are not withholding. That word implies that you have something that another person is entitled to, and you're refusing to hand it over. What you ARE doing is not engaging in an activity because it doesn't feel right for you at that time. If you are "withholding" or using sex as a weapon, you are probably doing something wrong.
scratch Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Actually, any kind of "fun" interaction is a no-go with me before making up. This cuts to the heart of the matter. There are lots of things that couples do together that are fun, but may not be so fun for both people during a fight. Ideally, sex shouldn't be any more or less special than those other activities. This doesn't have to be gender specific; men could refuse to have sex with their mates just as easily as the other way around. In long-term couples I don't think that it's rare. There are two possible causes for resentment, because sex is potentially different than other activities: 1. I think when men imagine what it's like to be in a bad marriage, they think about their wives denying them sex but still insisting on going to social events or exchanging gifts despite being in the middle of the fight. That doesn't seem fair to me; people shouldn't get to unilaterally pick which shared activities will continue during a fight and which ones won't. 2. Is it a reasonable assumption that sex is the one thing where we deny it to someone, but also insist that they not get it elsewhere? That would likely lead to frustration.
xxoo Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 1. I think when men imagine what it's like to be in a bad marriage, they think about their wives denying them sex but still insisting on going to social events or exchanging gifts despite being in the middle of the fight. That doesn't seem fair to me; people shouldn't get to unilaterally pick which shared activities will continue during a fight and which ones won't. I can't do those things during a fight, either. I remember one anniversary, we were arguing that week, and I had the darndest time picking out a card--even though I knew the feelings were temporary. But coupling sex with bad feelings can be such a bad idea. Why not focus on working through the issues, so that the good feelings flow? Too often, I think, men (generalizing here) sweep their partner's concerns under the rug (dismiss it as "nagging") until the resentment builds to the point on her point that it affects sex. And then they are bewildered--what happened? Why doesn't she want to have sex anymore? It is a downward spiral from there.... It frustrates me to read these stories on the marriage forum, because it might have been prevented if the dissatisfaction was properly expressed and addressed from the beginning.
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