newmoon Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 the advice given to women is often not to use sex as a weapon or withold sex during a fight... but, how can we not? when you bf has done something to hurt/disrepect you, how can you engage in sex with him and not dislike sex/him? the bf and i are in a disagreement right now. i feel no attraction towards him when we are fighting - it's like my emotions just shut down completely. so, how can women be expected to give in and welcome affection during fights?? 1
SmileFace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Being mad at someone and not wanting to have sex is different from withholding sex. 7
pteromom Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Right. You aren't WITHHOLDING sex. You simply aren't inspired to have it at the moment, which is understandable. 1
xxoo Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Being mad at someone and not wanting to have sex is different from withholding sex. Correct. But from the other side, as I understand, it can feel like withholding. Maybe because the guy wants sex to reconnect. Or because the guy isn't upset, and doesn't understand how upset she is. Or, as I suspect is often true, the guy believes she is intentionally withholding to win an argument.
xxoo Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Men maybe can't relate to the desire for sex drying up when arguing. But how many men want to reach out and hug their partner when they are mad at her? I doubt very many. Is that withholding affection? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Men maybe can't relate to the desire for sex drying up when arguing. But how many men want to reach out and hug their partner when they are mad at her? I doubt very many. Is that withholding affection? Excellent point. I love sex and am always up for it when in a good relationship. But when I'm mad or sad about something my guy did, I'm absolutely not in the mood, and we're going to have to resolve the disagreement before we get naughty again. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 how long has this issue been going on, and how come it isn't resolved yet? Did you fight and then left the issue unresolved from your perspective?
rubberduck Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I think I'm kinda the opposite... most of the time sex = makeup in my experience.. maybe I'm weird though?! 2
zebracolors Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 yes, I can't fathom the idea of "angry sex", even though so many people seem to imply that it can be some of the best sex a couple can have. I suppose if I ever experience it I'll understand. But from what little past experience Ive had, I am also like others here. If I am feeling sad or angry, the last thing I am thinking about is sex.
xxoo Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I think I'm kinda the opposite... most of the time sex = makeup in my experience.. maybe I'm weird though?! That depends. Do you mean that the issue has been resolved, and now we are reconnecting with make up sex? Or that we are sweeping the issue under the rug, and have sex to make us forget how much we can't stand each other? Conflict resolution is the key. If you can work things out, you can get back to the good feelings and all the hugs and kisses and sex 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 That depends. Do you mean that the issue has been resolved, and now we are reconnecting with make up sex? Or that we are sweeping the issue under the rug, and have sex to make us forget how much we can't stand each other? Conflict resolution is the key. If you can work things out, you can get back to the good feelings and all the hugs and kisses and sex Exactly. I recently suggested to my boyfriend, during a time when we were both being stubborn, that we find a place we could agree so we could move on to the fun part - the make-up sex. That got his attention 1
sweetkiwi Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 i don't use sex as a weapon. And i don't expect my partner to either. Thats a dirty trick that weakens the bond.
crude Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If you're genuinely angry at him and don't feel like fun and games, then you're certainly right. But if you're using sex to get a better financial deal or to get more things the way you want or to shift the balance of power over to you, then you're using sex as a weapon and he should simply get it elsewhere.
todreaminblue Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 the advice given to women is often not to use sex as a weapon or withold sex during a fight... but, how can we not? when you bf has done something to hurt/disrepect you, how can you engage in sex with him and not dislike sex/him? the bf and i are in a disagreement right now. i feel no attraction towards him when we are fighting - it's like my emotions just shut down completely. so, how can women be expected to give in and welcome affection during fights?? from what i gather withholding sex isnt actually honest because when you withhold something it isnt say ing you arent wanting it its saying that you are using it to control the other person.......so thats just manipulation even though a person withholding sex probably gets turned on by the control she or he is wielding...dishonest....heres a fact wives who withhold sex often will have partners who could look elsewhere...they also end up talking about their sex lives with other compassionate women..trying to work out where they have gone wrong....talking about sex with another woman seems to me.....to eb a bad idea for the wives to cause the ripple effect....especially if the woman their husband ends up talking to is a predator who likes a challenge...moral of the story dont withhold sex it's a game if you do that...and you opened that game up for others to intercede....deb 1
Pompom Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I would feel like I were consenting to being raped, which I realize sounds mutually exclusive and should be, but still, when someone has hurt my feelings and made me angry, and then they crawl ontop of me because usually they are allowed, I wouldn't feel right not shooing them off. I associate sex with wanting, positive feelings and, when it's with a boyfriend, love. Actually, any kind of "fun" interaction is a no-go with me before making up. My mom used to catch my nose, tickle me or make faces at or poke me when I was being huffy and puffy or sincerely angry, and I hated when she did succeed in making me laugh; I sometimes actually felt violated because I hate it when the target of my anger disarms me by engaging me in something enjoyable.
todreaminblue Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) I would feel like I were consenting to being raped, which I realize sounds mutually exclusive and should be, but still, when someone has hurt my feelings and made me angry, and then they crawl ontop of me because usually they are allowed, I wouldn't feel right not shooing them off. I associate sex with wanting, positive feelings and, when it's with a boyfriend, love. Actually, any kind of "fun" interaction is a no-go with me before making up. My mom used to catch my nose, tickle me or make faces at or poke me when I was being huffy and puffy or sincerely angry, and I hated when she did succeed in making me laugh; I sometimes actually felt violated because I hate it when the target of my anger disarms me by engaging me in something enjoyable. you know when you are being raped..theres no love there just extreme hate and you fight for your life to stop it..and you get hurt.and its not a matter of no giggle i am mad at you oh ok i really shouldnt but i do love you and i cant help but smile at you(that is not withholding)... rape is this......its **** off, get off me your hurting me stop stop i ****ing hate you for doing this to me..and if you cant say it aloud, this is what you say when they have their hand over your mouth.....in silence you scream to god to help you get over it and make the rape over quick...please dont think not wanting sex is rape........you cant pretty up rape.... .......doesnt sound like just letting someone show they love you does it........and you dont liken it to anything you have experienced unless you have actually been raped.......withholding is not the same as just not wanting sex.......if you are mad at someone then you are mad at them and you dont have sex while arguing..... you simply say please i am not in the mood i love you but i am mad at you....and they let you say that......they dont climb on top of you and hate on you.....please see above.....so no it is not rape when someone loves you and tries to makeup by having sex...why....because you can simply say no and be appreciated and loved for saying no...not hated intensely for saying no and then subsequently violated.until you can never forget it.......you have the power to say no ....use that....but dont withhold just be honest....hugs...deb Edited October 29, 2012 by todreaminblue
rubberduck Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 That depends. Do you mean that the issue has been resolved, and now we are reconnecting with make up sex? Or that we are sweeping the issue under the rug, and have sex to make us forget how much we can't stand each other? Conflict resolution is the key. If you can work things out, you can get back to the good feelings and all the hugs and kisses and sex I think I kinda get the 'angry sex' bit going, then it opens up the communication again afterwards... it's never swept under the carpet but I do find we connect waaaaaaay better after sex 1
xxoo Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I think I kinda get the 'angry sex' bit going, then it opens up the communication again afterwards... it's never swept under the carpet but I do find we connect waaaaaaay better after sex JMO....men can be much easier to get along with when they are getting lots of sex.... Personally, I still have a difficult time being sexual if I am hurt or angry. 1
sweetkiwi Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 i enjoy make up sex. If i'm being cranky all i want is my man to grab me and kiss me deeply. Call me weird but when i'm pissed my sexdrive doesn't disappear, sometimes in fact its full force. I've been in a relation-***** where he used sex against me. That was terrible. But he wasn't exactly an outstanding guy anyway. 1
rubberduck Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 JMO....men can be much easier to get along with when they are getting lots of sex.... Personally, I still have a difficult time being sexual if I am hurt or angry. I think it's more me that is easier to get along with. I think I'm broken
sweetkiwi Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 not broken. I'm the same. I think sex in a loving relationship helps strengthen your bond and reminds you of the fun reasons you're with your partner!! Its a blending of energies, pleasures, and senses. Realizing that no matter how well you think you know your partner there is always some way to surprise and amaze you. Taking them into your mind, body, and if its great sex, your soul. Giving him such pleasure he shakes and his eyes roll back and he makes these amazingly sexy noises from the depths of his being. What was i talking about? 1
rubberduck Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 not broken. I'm the same. I think sex in a loving relationship helps strengthen your bond and reminds you of the fun reasons you're with your partner!! Its a blending of energies, pleasures, and senses. Realizing that no matter how well you think you know your partner there is always some way to surprise and amaze you. Taking them into your mind, body, and if its great sex, your soul. Giving him such pleasure he shakes and his eyes roll back and he makes these amazingly sexy noises from the depths of his being. What was i talking about? Yay kiwi! Someone who feels like me now go take a cold shower :laugh: x
phineas Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If no sex due to arguments is a frequent thing i'd end it & find someone I won't argue with as much. 1
xxoo Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If no sex due to arguments is a frequent thing i'd end it & find someone I won't argue with as much. But if the sex stays frequent, fighting is A-ok?
phineas Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 But if the sex stays frequent, fighting is A-ok? Make up sex is AWSOME!
Recommended Posts