Met someone new but still friends with Ex

[amylou]

So, I need some advice. My ex and I broke up a month or so ago (I broke up with him) but we have remained friends. I know there is still romantic feelings on his part, and I still love him, but there is no way that I will get back together with him and he knows this. The reason we broke up is that he is an alcoholic, full blown and needs help. I don't want to cut all ties with him because I'm one of the few people in his life who do not drink and I support him getting better. The only way that we could ever get back together is if he became completely clean and sober, but it doesn't appear that he will. He is trying, but not using the tools and resources that are out there to help him. He keeps trying the same old thing and its not working. We haven't even kissed other than once a few days after the breakup, though we have done a little cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.

 

So, I have met someone new. I tried the online dating thing just hoping to do some very casual dating, not looking for anything serious, just good conversation and a meal possibly. I felt the need to move on to make the break up more real and not mope about it. I don't need time to heal and wait til I feel I'm ready, because before this relationship it took me 8 months to even consider dating and I never felt ready until I took a leap when my Aunt left my number for my current ex. The ready feeling just never hits me until I get out there.

 

Anyways, I actually connected with someone who shares a lot of similar interests/hobbies. We are both total nerds and talk about things others wouldn't really get, plus we do have a physical attraction. So far, we have emailed back and forth and talked on the phone a few times for long periods of time. A date is sure to follow very soon. I didn't plan on telling my ex about me dating because I didn't think I was going to connect with anyone really, but now I have. The guy has actually given me butterflies.

 

So, my question is, should I tell both of them about each other? I do still want things to move very slowly with the new guy, but I don't want him to feel like I'm still with my ex/two timing/playing games. I also don't want to destroy the progress my ex has made towards sobriety by throwing this bomb on him, because I'm sure that he didn't think I would get back out there so soon. Should I tell both of them, neither, just the ex?

 

Also, sex isn't in this equation at all since I'm a firm believer in waiting until marriage. I never slept with my ex nor will I sleep with the new guy.

 

Thanks in advance guys, and sorry this was a little long, obviously I'm pretty confused and unsure of how to proceed.

[veggirl]

You should definitely tell the new guy you are still hanging out with your ex who is still in love with you and tries to kiss you. And be prepared for him to runnnn like the wind, as any normal healthy person would do. Sorry, but if you choose to keep an ex in your life (esp one you barely broke up with a month ago and is still in love with you) those are the general consequences. I don't know a single person, who doesn't have major esteem issues, that would tolerate that.

 

Ps is your ex getting help for his alcoholism? If he didn't change during your Relationship what makes you think he will if you stick around as his friend?

[amylou]

My ex doesn't try to kiss me. Even though he still has feelings for me he knows that its not going to work and doesn't try anything. I don't want to live my life based around his needs, but I do want to be there for him. Its not in my nature to give up on people and above all else, we are friends.

 

He is getting help, but not enough of it in my opinion. He has made the decision to go to rehab after the holidays if he is not sober by then. I also don't want to leave him feeling completely alone and lonely during the holidays since it is such a volitile time in any addicts life. I know that me being his friend isn't going to make him sober, but I am part of his support system.

 

I don't think that me being friends with my ex is going to run the new guy off. He has a child and still talks with is ex/baby momma. That doesn't bother me a bit. My ex also was still friends with several of his exes and we even hung out a bit. As far as that goes, it has to do with trust. I trust others until they give me a reason not to, and anyone that I date must have the same outlook.

 

I have decided to tell them both and hope for the best. I know that it is going to be hard on my ex, but he deserves me to be honest with him. I also don't want to start a new relationship with any feelings of deception.

 

Any ideas of how tell both of them?

[Frank13]

This is easy. Tell the new guy no sex until you are married. That will end it right there as no one is going to wait until marriage only to find out you two aren't sexually compatible.

[flitzanu]

your ex is no longer your problem. that's what being an "ex" is. you're continuing your relationship with him without the boundaries of the relationship. either be with him, or cut him out of your life, you don't get to have it both ways this shortly after a breakup.

[amylou]

This is easy. Tell the new guy no sex until you are married. That will end it right there as no one is going to wait until marriage only to find out you two aren't sexually compatible.

 

 

Really? There are actually plenty of people who share my thoughts on waiting. No its not the mainstream thing to do, but I'm not the only one on the planet who has this belief. I am a traditional, conservative person. There are people outside of your social circle who don't think like you and your friends do.

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to separate from the ex for a while. Continuing to be in close contact doesn't help either one of you and will create many more of these situations.