ParadeRain Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 It's been around 5 months since she left... first love, I'm 20, she's 23. No contact. At first I was in pieces, felt like I didn't want to live, lowest point in my life to date. Then I started to drag myself up, trying to improve my life, new job, new motivation to succeed(best revenge), plans to travel the world etc etc... still heart broken and haunted by it every minute of every day, I was trying to mask it I guess. Then I found out she's got a new man, maybe even left me for him? who knows... I went through a phase of being wild, a lot of partying, one night stands, fighting, quit my job, got involved back involved with my old friends (bad news). Now I find myself in a stage of acceptance.. I'm thinking about the future, exploring my entrepreneurial desires (not drug dealing, I'm brighter than the friends I have)... I can't remember a day where I haven't thought about her, and that's getting frustrating, but the hurt doesn't control me anymore, it's faded... I've got an iron grip on the lessons I learned from it all, but I'm slightly confused... I can genuinely say it with meaning... she's gone, the relationship is over, she has moved on, I have moved on... I accept that, BUT - my feelings seem to have "leveled out"/found their "staying point" is the best way I can describe it... I think this is what they mean when they say you never forget your first love... well I don't want this, I don't want to fall in love again still being able to remember the feelings I had for somebody else in the past, I want indifference... I'm done with it, I've done the anger, the depression, the recklessness, the ups.. downs.. the heartbreak and everything that comes with it... I feel mentally EXHAUSTED and just want to completely let go, it's not heartbreak anymore it's brain-ache... I feel like I forgot to put the lottery on and my numbers came out... and I'm never going to be able to live it down. "Brain! Give me a ****ing break!!" - that's how I feel... I don't want her, I wouldn't have her back if you made me rich to do it, I don't care about her, if she died I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't even attend her funeral... but I'm haunted by the memories of how I DID feel about her... You guys promise that indifference will come, I've done double time with the heartbreak, I've paid my dues now I'm just exhausted by the thought of it... where's my indifference?
taya Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) aww hun you have learn alot and it sounds like your happy now too so i say good for you .. your a dream and you will find your dream woman soon keep holding your head up your doing great ..she lost a good man Edited October 29, 2012 by taya 1
rach24680 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 At least ur over the missing her stage. I think ul only stop thinking about her when you meet someone new. u dont wana forget everything anyway, memories are good, but ul learn from them. chin up 5 months is still quite raw
River Rain Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 It's been around 5 months since she left... first love, I'm 20, she's 23. No contact. At first I was in pieces, felt like I didn't want to live, lowest point in my life to date. Then I started to drag myself up, trying to improve my life, new job, new motivation to succeed(best revenge), plans to travel the world etc etc... still heart broken and haunted by it every minute of every day, I was trying to mask it I guess. Then I found out she's got a new man, maybe even left me for him? who knows... I went through a phase of being wild, a lot of partying, one night stands, fighting, quit my job, got involved back involved with my old friends (bad news). Now I find myself in a stage of acceptance.. I'm thinking about the future, exploring my entrepreneurial desires (not drug dealing, I'm brighter than the friends I have)... I can't remember a day where I haven't thought about her, and that's getting frustrating, but the hurt doesn't control me anymore, it's faded... I've got an iron grip on the lessons I learned from it all, but I'm slightly confused... I can genuinely say it with meaning... she's gone, the relationship is over, she has moved on, I have moved on... I accept that, BUT - my feelings seem to have "leveled out"/found their "staying point" is the best way I can describe it... I think this is what they mean when they say you never forget your first love... well I don't want this, I don't want to fall in love again still being able to remember the feelings I had for somebody else in the past, I want indifference... I'm done with it, I've done the anger, the depression, the recklessness, the ups.. downs.. the heartbreak and everything that comes with it... I feel mentally EXHAUSTED and just want to completely let go, it's not heartbreak anymore it's brain-ache... I feel like I forgot to put the lottery on and my numbers came out... and I'm never going to be able to live it down. "Brain! Give me a ****ing break!!" - that's how I feel... I don't want her, I wouldn't have her back if you made me rich to do it, I don't care about her, if she died I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't even attend her funeral... but I'm haunted by the memories of how I DID feel about her... You guys promise that indifference will come, I've done double time with the heartbreak, I've paid my dues now I'm just exhausted by the thought of it... where's my indifference? I think the indifference is an illusion. I actually thought I had reached that stage, but in hindsight, I was just fooling myself. I think you will always have thoughts of past loves, I mean, I still remember the bf's I had over 20 years ago, but I remember them with either fondness or with an "omg what was I thinking??" type of emotion. It's not a crime to think of your ex in a nice way, but it takes time to get over that type of longing you used to have. It's so subjective though, the time it takes each person. How do you get over it? Everyone's method is different. For me it was talking, time and distraction.
Author ParadeRain Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I think the indifference is an illusion. I actually thought I had reached that stage, but in hindsight, I was just fooling myself. I think you will always have thoughts of past loves, I mean, I still remember the bf's I had over 20 years ago, but I remember them with either fondness or with an "omg what was I thinking??" type of emotion. It's not a crime to think of your ex in a nice way, but it takes time to get over that type of longing you used to have. It's so subjective though, the time it takes each person. How do you get over it? Everyone's method is different. For me it was talking, time and distraction. Well this is the first time I have been "in love", so I can't relate to the thing about past "loves", but I've never had an issue getting over any of my other ex girlfriends.. when I think of them now I'm indifferent... This time cupid hit a bulls-eye, and after 5 months of being heartbroken I'm exhausted... now it's just a brain-ache to think about it. Up until this point I said if I had the choice I wouldn't have my memory wiped.. thinking I'll manage to let go and be able to keep the memories... but at this point I would pay millions to be able to have her completely erased from my mind.
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