PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Listen, this may be wrong and I'm not looking for moral advice here, but after a three year relationship and living with someone, I feel I deserve the truth. The night before she broke up with me and went out and never came home she bumped into an ex and ended up "kissing him a lot". She denied everything about someone else being in the picture. I had a sinking feeling when I stopped into our apartment and she wasn't there, I needed to get my mail and check messages and saw her ex's number on the caller ID last week. How did I find this out you ask? I logged into her facebook. I knew something was going on. I also found other messages how toward the end she couldn't stand me and she's fine and blah blah blah. Her friends said, yeah, you've been saying you couldn't stand him since so and so's wedding. (which was months ago) This is my closure. This is the end. I need to get my crap out of there and into a new place ASAP. She betrayed me and lied. 1
AlisaMarie Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Although snooping is a big no no... you did get your answers. I wouldn't take what she says to her friends to heart because we all bitch about our relationships to our friends. However, move on and be strong. Don't let this set you up to be bitter. She just wasn't for you.
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I'm actually more disappointed for her sake...that this is the type of person she is. She's a huge believer in Karma. I wonder if she feels like it's going to come back and bite her in the a**.
Balzac Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Nah-they never think they have it coming to them. Glad you are the wiser one now. Sorry about your loss and pain.
AlisaMarie Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Then she is a hypocrite! I was always a believer of Karma- but good things seem to happen to bad people. 1
Shinobi Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 In some fashion I am happy for you for finding the whole thruth by yourself, because she would never EVER reveal it to you. Read my last thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/354092-when-you-see-break-up-coming and don't be surprised. Do not say anything to her, do not ask anything... If it's unavoidable- make her sure you know all and you do not need her explanations. If you let her speak, she will try to "explain" how everything was stuck, she was unhappy and feeling like you two were going nowhere. If you disappear, sooner or later she will contact you with the purpose to explain. She will contact you because of her sense of guilt, not of love. But dumpers can't make the difference. It will be up to you what to do, but for now... Leave... 1
Chi townD Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Although snooping is a big no no... you did get your answers. I wouldn't take what she says to her friends to heart because we all bitch about our relationships to our friends. However, move on and be strong. Don't let this set you up to be bitter. She just wasn't for you. I don't think that snooping is a big no-no. He had every RIGHT to know what was going on in his relaationship. Should he have turned a blind eye and ignore what his gut was telling him? Or should he just go on believing that the demise of the relationship was his fault or whatever else she was telling him because sure as hell she wasn't going to be honest with the fact that she was cheating on him. If she wasn't going to be truthful, then there's nothing wrong with finding the truth on your own. You did nothing wrong, dude. 2
AlisaMarie Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I don't think that snooping is a big no-no. He had every RIGHT to know what was going on in his relaationship. Should he have turned a blind eye and ignore what his gut was telling him? Or should he just go on believing that the demise of the relationship was his fault or whatever else she was telling him because sure as hell she wasn't going to be honest with the fact that she was cheating on him. If she wasn't going to be truthful, then there's nothing wrong with finding the truth on your own. You did nothing wrong, dude. I have to disagree. He knew that the relationship was over. Looking at her fb page and seeing something, one thing- but logging into it? I by no means am putting him down... and I probably would have done the same thing... let's make our comments about him, not my opinion. Thanks!
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I confronted her about it and I could tell her gut knotted up when I said "I know everything that happened. Doesn't matter how I found out, but I know" I told her that I am coming back to the apartment. I was the one who ran out of there with my tail tucked between my legs like I was the one that screwed up. I said she can either stay there and sleep on the couch or take her dog and what she needs and find somewhere to stay. I also said I think I am going to keep the apartment. She cheated. She wanted out...she can find her own way. 4
AlisaMarie Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I confronted her about it and I could tell her gut knotted up when I said "I know everything that happened. Doesn't matter how I found out, but I know" I told her that I am coming back to the apartment. I was the one who ran out of there with my tail tucked between my legs like I was the one that screwed up. I said she can either stay there and sleep on the couch or take her dog and what she needs and find somewhere to stay. I also said I think I am going to keep the apartment. She cheated. She wanted out...she can find her own way. ha ha that is the best feeling! When you find out stuff and call out a graphic list of details and they have NO clue as to how you know! She is probably frantically analyzing every move since she cheated to figure out how you knew. HA! Isn't that some karma in itself??
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I seriously did some reflecting on my mistakes in the three years. I've been looking at apartments and found a place to live, but I'm not the one who got drunk and made out with an ex. She may have fallen out of love with me which I think is a choice and not a feeling. She had every chance to dump me before betraying my trust. Even though she didn't love me anymore, I still deserved the human decency of her calling me and letting me know she was ok and wasn't dead on the side of the road. She can worry about finding a place that allows pets and finding someone to move her furniture....hell we split on buying a nice bed...I may even cut her a check for whatever we still owe on it and keep that too. I may have not done everything right in the relationship, and I may not be perfect....but I NEVER cheated. I've had women throw themselves at me and say "If you come over, you'll get laid" I ALWAYS removed myself from that situation and let my ex know about it pronto. I shouldn't be the one that has to leave. 5
AlisaMarie Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I seriously did some reflecting on my mistakes in the three years. I've been looking at apartments and found a place to live, but I'm not the one who got drunk and made out with an ex. She may have fallen out of love with me which I think is a choice and not a feeling. She had every chance to dump me before betraying my trust. Even though she didn't love me anymore, I still deserved the human decency of her calling me and letting me know she was ok and wasn't dead on the side of the road. She can worry about finding a place that allows pets and finding someone to move her furniture....hell we split on buying a nice bed...I may even cut her a check for whatever we still owe on it and keep that too. I may have not done everything right in the relationship, and I may not be perfect....but I NEVER cheated. I've had women throw themselves at me and say "If you come over, you'll get laid" I ALWAYS removed myself from that situation and let my ex know about it pronto. I shouldn't be the one that has to leave. You're right- you shouldn't be! Sometimes it saves pride to just cut your losses. You kind of make a statement by leaving. YOU are the one not taking **** and walking away! Listen, nobody is perfect in a relationship, so try not to think of your mistakes, we all make them! And you're right! YOU didn't cheat. Sadly, in our society, that's a big accomplishment! She made a choice, to cheat and lie... nothing you could have done, wrong or right, would have changed that.
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 In other breakups I was the guy that begged and pleaded and put them on a pedestal. Not this time. I know I had a hand in this, but I always tried to improve myself and the relationship. She screwed up...cheated....lied to my face about it. I ran to my parents like a kid who got pushed down on the playground. I'm standing up for myself now. She made this bed, she wanted this mess, she can find somewhere to go. It will be hard to stay in a place we picked out, but that's my home too.
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I think I just took the power back? She was holding all the cards and I was stuck with nothing. I know that it's not about winning or losing, but I feel like have the power back. Do I?
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I never wanted a moral speech. I never snooped on her before. I had no reason too. I did what I did and I don't care if you think it is wrong. I took the power back. I am not the one who betrayed someone. I'm glad I did it. I found the truth out and can quit dwelling on how I messed everything up. 2
taya Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I never wanted a moral speech. I never snooped on her before. I had no reason too. I did what I did and I don't care if you think it is wrong. I took the power back. I am not the one who betrayed someone. I'm glad I did it. I found the truth out and can quit dwelling on how I messed everything up. you go man i agree with you ,,,dont feel bad now you know the true time to move on there is other good woman out there will treat you right
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 It's my home too. I helped picked the place out and pay bills. Does anyone here think it's a bad idea that I am going back? I just don't want to be at my parent's house anymore especially since I didn't cheat.
taya Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) It's my home too. I helped picked the place out and pay bills. Does anyone here think it's a bad idea that I am going back? I just don't want to be at my parent's house anymore especially since I didn't cheat. i think it sure is a bad idea if you go back you know you will be back with he,,,,r stay at your parents house until you find your new places ..go back and i bet you will be in some new drama with her Edited October 29, 2012 by taya
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) We are both on the lease. It's converted from a year long lease to a month to month lease. If she would neglect rent, I am still liable. She is angry at me know that I want to keep the place. I think she is angry that I am standing up for myself and not letting her run everything. I can afford everything. She is also mad at me that she is on a much tighter budget and has to find a place that will take pets. Too bad. So sad. Not my fault I make more money than her. Edited October 29, 2012 by PennGuy
Author PennGuy Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I don't want this to turn into some ugly divorce-like battle.
mammasita Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Although snooping is a big no no... you did get your answers. I wouldn't take what she says to her friends to heart because we all bitch about our relationships to our friends. However, move on and be strong. Don't let this set you up to be bitter. She just wasn't for you. I agree that snooping is a no-no UNLESS it is done with the intent of ending the relationship. I snooped on an ex for closure because he would NOT tell the truth about anything (he was narcissistic). I knew, before I made the concious decision to snoop, that it was over. Anyway OP, I don't blame you for snooping in this case. Wash your hands of her and move on. Just remember that snooping for the sake of snooping is not recommended . 2
Chi townD Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 When you told her that you knew everything, how did she react? What kind of line of BS did she give you? Also, how does she feel about you coming back to the apartment? By the way, NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES ON HOW YOU FOUND OUT!! Believe me, she'll grill you about it. Let her think that one of her friends dimed her out. Now, you threw a monkey wrench into her life. I would strongly advise you to keep a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) on you at all times. It wouldn't surprise me if she tries to draw you into and arguement then call the cops on you stating that she doesn't feel safe around you and she needs the cops to remove you from the apartment. Believe me, it's been done before. Then, I would hide another VAR somewhere in the apartment. So, when you're not there you might get a heads up on her game plan. Time to be proactive dude!!! 1
Chi townD Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 The reason why I asked those questions is that a cheater is an INCREDIBLY good liar and they can have you believing in all sorts of lies. Make you second guess yourself ( unless you think I'm crazy on that statement too). And YES the VAR is a valid tool to have on his person. You've NEVER heard of a guy getting screwed over by false aligations on an RO? The VAR is for his own protection. The OP stated that his girlfriend is on a tight budget and will have a hard time finding a place, so I wouldn't put ANYTHING past her at this point. She's not his girlfriend and she been replaced by an alien (or are you going to give me sh*t about using a SyFi reference too.). Yes, he needs to move on, but he also needs to protect himself. That's my point.
Stillalive1 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Totally agree about snooping,i did it too and it helped a lot. Funny thing about cheaters and liars is that when they r caught they get really upset. U had the right to know with what kind of person u ve been. I had friendship with some ex,after a no contact period,and even if i'm not with them anymore i still have good memories cause they ve been honest with me. Well i was ready to b friend even with her,until i found the truth,from that moment she is death for me.
taya Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 You expect your lying, cheating Ex who is angry at you to be civil and do the right thing? You can't force her to leave and you are still on the hook for rent. Cancel the month to month lease and get your own place. Anything else, is you asking / wanting drama. i agree with you he needs to man up and do what he needs to do this girl already took it there
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