Cedarman Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 How do you talk to your kids about the separation? Summary of my other thread: My wife cheated 3 1/2 years ago, she let me think it was an EA until 2 days ago (it was actually a 4 month physical affair) - lied to me about it and kept the secret until AFTER she had moved out on the 19th of October. My youngest daughter (11) has not told any of her friends that we are separated, even though many of their parents know. She finally opened up a little and said that she is "embarrassed" that we are separated. After telling her that this happens to many people and that we both love her, etc, etc (my daughter is sick of hearing this) - she finally asked me why I was talking loudly to Mommy on Friday night when her friend was here. (Note: That was the conversation where my wife FINALLY admitted to the physical affair. Even though she has lied repeatedly about it over the past 3.5 years, she chose to come clean on the night of my kids Athletic Banquet, as we sat in the kitchen and as my kids were getting ready upstairs with their friends.) The way my daughter put it, she clearly blames me for doing something to Mommy because she says I was "glaring" at Mommy while her friend was in the kitchen. (Note - I was not glaring, I was practically crying...) What could I tell her? I simply said that Mommy and I were having a serious conversation. I would LOVE to tell her the truth (i.e. Mommy had just admitted that she was banging her 32 year old married boyfriend while I had you, your sister and your friends up at the cottage in summer 2009). But I can't. So I have to be the "bad guy". I guess I just have to bite my tongue and keep being a good father. Suck it up and wait until the day they are old enough to figure out how their Mom destroyed the family?
Balzac Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) I recommend you get your daughter into some short term counseling to help with this. Kids always hold a degree of blame on their own. They also can vent blame onto the stronger, more stable parent. Having a neutral party, with you sometimes present during each session can move your young girl into peaceful acceptance. It may only get worse as the local gossip mill ramps up and she overhears or is confronted by peers. Sorry for your misery. Edited October 29, 2012 by Balzac She learns how to relate to men from her daddy.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Oh boy. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Personally I'd let them know the truth about mommy, especially if the 11 year old is the youngest. Children should learn right from wrong and here is your opportunity. Or you can show them that you'd rather lie to them than deal with the truth. Your choice.
Balzac Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 A more reasoned approach in my mind could be this. Confront your stbEx, give her a deadline to come clean with your children. Offer her the safety of a therapists office, supportive supervised environment for the children. If she fails, you may then reveal what you must. This is about what's in the best interest of the children. 2
Author Cedarman Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I think my kids are still too young for the concept of an adulteress Mother. Maybe in a few years. For now, I would be happy with a way for them to realize that it isn't their Dad's fault that Mom moved out. But they don't need to know that their Mom couldn't keep her legs together while Dad had them and their friends up to the cottage for some summer fun. I have told them that this is just a "trial" separation, and so has my wife. But realistically, it isn't. I want to shield my kids from the knowledge that their Mom had an affair at least until they are old enough to process the information. 1
standtall Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I guess I just have to bite my tongue and keep being a good father. Suck it up and wait until the day they are old enough to figure out how their Mom destroyed the family? Yes, you do..unless you want to destroy your daughters piece of mind about her mother. She is a child and to her, that is her mother. Your wife didn't do anything to her. 1
Soxfaninfl Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Oh boy. I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Personally I'd let them know the truth about mommy, especially if the 11 year old is the youngest. Children should learn right from wrong and here is your opportunity. Or you can show them that you'd rather lie to them than deal with the truth. Your choice. All you have to say is that mommy had an affair with with another man. You don't have to go into details. They need to hear the truth.
Balzac Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I think my kids are still too young for the concept of an adulteress Mother. Maybe in a few years. For now, I would be happy with a way for them to realize that it isn't their Dad's fault that Mom moved out. But they don't need to know that their Mom couldn't keep her legs together while Dad had them and their friends up to the cottage for some summer fun. I have told them that this is just a "trial" separation, and so has my wife. But realistically, it isn't. I want to shield my kids from the knowledge that their Mom had an affair at least until they are old enough to process the information. You are their parent and the decision is your's. Keep in mind that psychogical development specialists are available to guide you. I know that your interest is safety for your children. Nothing about separation/divorce is easy. Hang in there. You sound like a great dad. 1
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) Wow lies and deceit run deep in your house. Your kids are going to find out. Better from their parent than an outsider. JMO Edit: and you also told them its a trial separation when you clearly know it isn't? Wow. Just wow. Edited October 29, 2012 by amaysngrace
Author Cedarman Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Wow lies and deceit run deep in your house. Your kids are going to find out. Better from their parent than an outsider. JMO Edit: and you also told them its a trial separation when you clearly know it isn't? Wow. Just wow. A little harsh. Nobody really knows where this will end up. It IS a trial separation, until it isn't. Right now, I have no hope, but my kids do. Maybe they're right and I'm wrong. As for "lies and deceit" running deep in our house. I didn't tell my kids that Santa Claus is a deception when they were younger either. I guess I am just a lying creep of a father....
standtall Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) A little harsh. Nobody really knows where this will end up. It IS a trial separation, until it isn't. Right now, I have no hope, but my kids do. Maybe they're right and I'm wrong. As for "lies and deceit" running deep in our house. I didn't tell my kids that Santa Claus is a deception when they were younger either. I guess I am just a lying creep of a father.... Yes...very harsh. The betrayed ones thirst for revenge often preys upon the minds of the small children, along with the victim spouse if your not angry and vengeful enough for them. My advice, don't get your advice here anymore..it is dominated by the angry ones who are so fueled by their rage, they try to destroy whats left of everyone else's family so you can join them in misery. Edited October 29, 2012 by standtall
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I have told them that this is just a "trial" separation, and so has my wife. But realistically, it isn't. A little harsh. Nobody really knows where this will end up. It IS a trial separation, until it isn't. Right now, I have no hope, but my kids do. Maybe they're right and I'm wrong. As for "lies and deceit" running deep in our house. I didn't tell my kids that Santa Claus is a deception when they were younger either. I guess I am just a lying creep of a father.... Reverse logic...did you warn your children of strangers? Their illusion of a perfect world is already tainted. But it's no wonder why you can't be honest to your children. You're having a hard time facing the truth yourself. I'm not being harsh...I'm being honest.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Yes...very harsh. The betrayed ones thirst for revenge often preys upon the minds of the small children, along with the victim spouse if your not angry and vengeful enough for them. My advice, don't get your advice here anymore..it is dominated by the angry ones who are so fueled by their rage, they try to destroy whats left of everyone else's family so you can join them in misery. Hi. I remember you from the other thread "what should children be told". You're the guy who never came clean with your own grown sons about any of the skeletons in your family closet. It's a different generation. Psychologists fault the way you folks handled situations and parented your children. I don't mean to offend you but it's true.
standtall Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Sorry..wrong...I have no grown sons nor skeletons. I am a happily married once, Christian father of 3 minor children. I can see the justifiable anger and bitterness from the betrayed spouses here. Unfortunately, I can also see it cloud their judgement when it comes to dealing with their own children. No one...and I mean no one..should bad mouth the other parent in front of their minor children..even if you cloak it under "honesty". No eight yr old need that s*** on their mind.
Steen719 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Consult a child psychologist and get some valid advice from someone who works with this type of situation frequently. You are trying to be a responsible parent and I admire that. You should get advice from a professional who will know something about this that includes more than what they did when confronted with this or worse, just what their opinion is without any kind of data to back it up. You have enough regrets; don't make a hasty decision that you will regret. 2
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Sorry..wrong...I have no grown sons nor skeletons. I am a happily married once, Christian father of 3 minor children. I can see the justifiable anger and bitterness from the betrayed spouses here. Unfortunately, I can also see it cloud their judgement when it comes to dealing with their own children. No one...and I mean no one..should bad mouth the other parent in front of their minor children..even if you cloak it under "honesty". No eight yr old need that s*** on their mind. Oh okay. My bad. His youngest is eleven. But I'm not a betrayed spouse so it seems like we both got the signals crossed. A lot of people post here.
amaysngrace Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Consult a child psychologist and get some valid advice from someone who works with this type of situation frequently. You are trying to be a responsible parent and I admire that. You should get advice from a professional who will know something about this that includes more than what they did when confronted with this or worse, just what their opinion is without any kind of data to back it up. You have enough regrets; don't make a hasty decision that you will regret. Counseling works best if those being counseled are honest.
Author Cedarman Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) amaysngrace: I think you are too easy with the honest/dishonest labels. It doesn't really reflect well upon you. We have told our children that we split because we cannot get along. We told them this has nothing to do with them. We told them they still have two parents who love them. There is nothing "dishonest" about this. Even telling them this is a trial separation is honest. That's what it is because nobody knows how this will go, although I am not optimistic. Since the separation began, my wife disclosed her affair, a fact I am still processing. I am trying to do everything in the best interests of our kids. So please explain how disclosing the affair to my kids helps THEM? Be "honest". Edited October 29, 2012 by Cedarman Typos 2
standtall Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Oh okay. My bad. His youngest is eleven. But I'm not a betrayed spouse so it seems like we both got the signals crossed. A lot of people post here. It's cool..I wasn't referring to you anyway when it came the term "betrayed" ones...they have yet to show up on this thread. Sorry if I made it sound that way.
Soxfaninfl Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) Telling your child that your wife doesn't want to be with you anymore and wants to be with someone else is not speaking ill of the other spouse. It is the truth. Children at 11 will comprehend that. They need to hear the truth. Don't lie to your child telling them something else. Just don't start bad mouthing the other parent. I went through the OP's experience. My son understood that at the age of 9. He was sad, but he understood it. Edited October 29, 2012 by Soxfaninfl 2
standtall Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I went through the OP's experience. My son understood that at the age of 9. He was sad, but he understood it. Sure..that was a great move...and what exactly was the purpose of telling him other than to make him sad. I know, it's called parental alienation...BTW, I didn't mean to like your post.
JamesM Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I feel for you and can't imagine the pain, frustration, anger and confusion you feel right now. I do hope it gets better. I agree. Too often the "I am being honest" is used to cover up harshness which may be unnecessary. It is necessary to tell your kids the truth, but it is also necessary to tell them what they need to know and still keep it so they can respect their mother. They may not be ready for all of the truth at this point, but down the road they will be. We don't know what the future holds, so we need to remember that what we say today may be regretted tomorrow. Your kids welfare is more important than your emotions regarding your wife. Letting them know why you are separated is necessary. Telling them info that simply makes them hate their mother is detrimental to their own mental well being. I think you are handling this okay so far. May you be given the strength to keep going.
Soxfaninfl Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Sure..that was a great move...and what exactly was the purpose of telling him other than to make him sad. I know, it's called parental alienation... My son was already sad that we were separated. He could not understand why we could not get along and get back together. I told him the truth. His mother wanted to be with someone else. I didn't bad mouth my ex-wife. I simply told him the truth. If you want to lie to your kids, by all means do so if it happens to you.
Author Cedarman Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I am telling the kids the truth as well. But they do not need to know every little detail at this point in their lives and at this point in the disruption to our family. In time, they will know, I am sure of this. You cannot put the genie back in the bottle. Telling my kids their Mom had an affair (in 2009) and poisoned our marriage with the subsequent lies and coverups does not help them. She is still their mother and they love her. It accomplishes nothing by giving them a reason, at their age (and 11 is still young) to dislike or blame their mother. I am mad and angry enough to tell them, but have been biting my tongue. It will make ME feel better, but nobody has convinced me that it is in my kids best interest to do so. 4
sad puppy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I absolutely agree that it is unnecessary to tell the children "mommy had an affair" - 11 years old is too young! It does not serve the children, in any way, it only serves the spouse that tells on the other. There is enough drama & turmoil for the kids to process, this only adds to it, and it is confusing & upsetting to them, why do it? I say leave them out of adult issues they do not understand. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing.
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