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Leave someone with mental 'issue'?


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Posted

Dear LS readers,

 

Yet again I'm before you with what I hope will be my final question to you on this forum, in order to get things right on my own from now on.

 

Maybe some of you know my history but in short, I have been in a messy 2 year relationship until now, on and off, with a man who loves me madly, who I love madly but who has treated me badly (and still ocassionally does).

 

In short, treated me badly means never meeting me halfway, always his way or the high way, cheated on me couple of times during big fights and/or break ups. Extreme secrecy over his phone, rather deleted all women from his FB than adding me as his gf, etc, stuff like that. All with the excuse of ''u are taking my manhood away by being too controlling''

 

On the other hand, this man has changed a lot since the problems came to day light. He treats me like a princess now and has made an appointment with a psychologist to finally do something about his conditions. We have so much fun when we're together and we both have never felt like this before in our lives, with anyone. He takes me out, he buys me groceries etc etc, the whole taking care kind of thing.

 

Also, he opened up to me about the fact that he has mental problems and he has no excuse for treating me badly like he did and still does from time to time. (this was a big wow for me, cuz until now he had been arguing that it was because of my behaviour, he acted this way)

 

He's 27, I'm his first love, he has never been in a relationship as with me, he has Aspergers (a high functioning form of autism) and has been suicidal twice during our relationship.

 

Now for me, I don't worry any more about him, I do my own thing and I study and go out with my friends. I keep him as my boyfriend because I do love and miss him, but I don't feel like I will stay with him for the rest of my life. ANd I don't mind thinking like that, it gives me a sence of freedom and the ability to act numb, shrug my shoulders, and say ''whatever'' every time something happens that would upset me before.

In my head I have this plan, to finish my university, 2 years left, and stay with him for the comfort of him dealing with stuff for me and arranging things and the love and care, and then when I finish look at what his situation is, and then determine whether to stay (if he has his things together and is working on living with his aspergers > he has been in denial the past years and refused counseling) and be really serious about him again, or to leave (if he still hasnt continued with counseling and still is not working a day time job, or anything to provide for a future) and start over.

 

Is it selfish of me to be like this?? Should I leave right away? What do you all think?

 

I'm asking because it's really cruel to leave a person because they have a mental ''issue'' (aspergers), it's not an issue but I couldn't find the name for it.

Posted
He takes me out, he buys me groceries etc etc, the whole taking care kind of thing.

 

Is it selfish of me to be like this?? Should I leave right away? What do you all think?

 

I'm asking because it's really cruel to leave a person because they have a mental ''issue'' (aspergers), it's not an issue but I couldn't find the name for it.

 

Yes you should leave him. Sounds like you are using him as a meal ticket, he takes you out, buys you groceries, etc. Then when you no longer need him you will leave.

 

All through these boards we see people obsessed with people who treated them badly. Now that this guy has turned around and treated you well, you can't see a future with him.

 

People are drawn to those who treat them badly. Call it the "bad boy" syndrom.

 

When we see all the posts about those madly in love with people who treat them badly and posts like your saying he treats you well and now want to leave, is it any wonder why people treat their relationship partners badly?

Posted

I agree. You don't love him madly if you won't accept him for him. Especially if he's being a better man for you.

 

Let him go.

Posted

He'll be OK.

 

If this isn't working for you today, and you're forming a 'thinking' plan to proceed, it's time to go, IMO. The result of such plans isn't healthy for neither you nor him.

  • Like 1
Posted

Asberger's syndrome is one of those conditions that a lot of people have diagnosed themselves with. So unless he's been diagnosed by a medical professional, disregard his claims. I know that sounds kind of mean, but honestly, you can basically ignore anyone who gives themselves a diagnosis of anything more serious than a common cold.

 

 

Anyway, I'll address your post as if he does actually have it.

 

In my head I have this plan, to finish my university, 2 years left, and stay with him for the comfort of him dealing with stuff for me and arranging things and the love and care, and then when I finish look at what his situation is, and then determine whether to stay (if he has his things together and is working on living with his aspergers

 

You can look at his situation in two years without having to stay with him the whole time. You can let him be single and deal with his untreated mental issues until you're finished with school. It might be better for him to have that time to himself. He might go through a process of having to try out different meds, find a good doctor, whatever. There's not going to be an instant fix that will make your relationship perfect.

 

I'm asking because it's really cruel to leave a person because they have a mental ''issue''

 

No, it's not cruel. You wouldn't be leaving him specifically because he has a mental issue, you would be leaving him because he hasn't treated you very well. The fact that he is now admitting to having a problem doesn't erase or excuse his bad behavior. You were still hurt by it, and your relationship was still damaged by it. You're not obligated to stay with him just because he's made one tiny step in the right direction of getting help. Sometimes when a partner finally decides to turn themselves around and save the relationship, it's too late.

Posted

You're just being honest. Now with that said you've detached, that's for sure. He's hurt you, cheated on you, treated you poorly. Mental illness or not, that pain was deep and it changed things.

 

You don't seem totally in love with him, and that's okay.. But, don't waste two years of his life and your life to see where things are later in the future.

 

If you're going to break up with him, the sooner the better.

 

Also, you aren't part of healing process, and it seems you'd rather not be involved in his day to day issues.. If things get worse or he has a breakdown, etc etc, you have one foot out the door already, that might be enough to make you run from him.

 

At the end of the day, you two are not married and he isn't your responsibility. And that's okay, just don't lead him on or give him hope that you two have a future together.

  • Author
Posted
Yes you should leave him. Sounds like you are using him as a meal ticket, he takes you out, buys you groceries, etc. Then when you no longer need him you will leave.

 

All through these boards we see people obsessed with people who treated them badly. Now that this guy has turned around and treated you well, you can't see a future with him.

 

People are drawn to those who treat them badly. Call it the "bad boy" syndrom.

 

When we see all the posts about those madly in love with people who treat them badly and posts like your saying he treats you well and now want to leave, is it any wonder why people treat their relationship partners badly?

 

Hi Frank..

 

Thanks for your reply..but I think you got me all wrong :(

I don't have the bad boy syndrome..what I'm saying is, he has done so many bad things to me in the beginning of our relationship, that at some point I just turned numb..I can't explain but I hope you understand I'm not a 'bad-boy lover'..it's just that I've turned numb, so even with all his efforts (for as far as he's changed because he still can't meet me half way with issues) I don't feel anything, and if I do, it's anger, and then I turn numb again..it's just so hard to explain.

 

Why do I stay? I love him, of course, anddd...it's the habit and the being used to somebody that's hard to give up

 

 

Asberger's syndrome is one of those conditions that a lot of people have diagnosed themselves with. So unless he's been diagnosed by a medical professional, disregard his claims. I know that sounds kind of mean, but honestly, you can basically ignore anyone who gives themselves a diagnosis of anything more serious than a common cold.

 

Anyway, I'll address your post as if he does actually have it.

 

No, it's not cruel. You wouldn't be leaving him specifically because he has a mental issue, you would be leaving him because he hasn't treated you very well. The fact that he is now admitting to having a problem doesn't erase or excuse his bad behavior. You were still hurt by it, and your relationship was still damaged by it. You're not obligated to stay with him just because he's made one tiny step in the right direction of getting help. Sometimes when a partner finally decides to turn themselves around and save the relationship, it's too late.

 

Thank you for saying this, this is EXACTLY how I feel..The part I made bold especially..it just made me numb and even though I love him, I don't care anymore..it's ust a hard decision you know because, there's always the what ifs..what if he gets help and eventually it works out for him? If I leave I went through all that pain to leave in the end, I'm scared it'll be like going through the roughest part to, just to quit the game

 

You're just being honest. Now with that said you've detached, that's for sure. He's hurt you, cheated on you, treated you poorly. Mental illness or not, that pain was deep and it changed things.

 

Also, you aren't part of healing process, and it seems you'd rather not be involved in his day to day issues.. If things get worse or he has a breakdown, etc etc, you have one foot out the door already, that might be enough to make you run from him.

 

Yes...again the bold parts speak my mind. It's true..The pain was deep and it made me numb, I'd rather not be involved in his day to day because before, when i was involved, I got heart aches in return..now that he's changed his behaviour,I just don't care anymore..

 

Makes me wonder..Did any of you ever feel numb? or turned numb for the way they were treated and stayed for the habit and the love?

 

XX

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