BF going to jail, stressed and has shut me out of his life despite my support

[snilljente]

I am 35 and I have been dating a guy who is a couple of years younger. We have both been divorced (been the ones left) for a few years....When I met him, I was DONE with dating...I had dated a bunch of guys and was ready to take a break and just see what happened. I met him and was very careful letting him into my heart...I explained to him that I was careful about sharing my feelings and did not just say/do things for the heck of it....when/if I shared, it was because I was sincere...Being summer, we both had alot of time to spend together and spent every day for 6 weeks together (except for a couple when he had to go out of town for work)...I never once got sick of him and reiterated many times that we didn't need to spend so much time together if he didn't want to....but it just seemed to flow and we continued spending all day, every day together....Things were wonderful. I met his family several times and vice versa...He told me that he had only felt this way once before in his life and that he never thought he would meet anyone like me....etc...I shared similiar feelings with him. He is truly the one guy that I have dated since my divorce that really seemed like he could be the ONE.

 

About three weeks into the relationship, he shared that he was dealing with some legal issues related to an arrest 3 years prior and that it looked like he would have to do some time.....Obviously, this was far from ideal, but given the person that I had seen him to be...I told him that I wanted to continue to hang out until that time and that we could see what happened...it was only going to be for a matter of a few months, so it was not a long sentence he was looking at. In addition to the legal issues, he is somewhat at a career crossroads, i.e. not particularly happy about his current job situation. I continued to be what I felt was supportive and tried to remind him that a year from now, his life would be so much better in so many ways.

 

About a week and a half ago, he freaked out...He got some news that his jailtime might not start for a few more months instead of a couple weeks as he had been mentally planning on and told by his lawyer. He told me that he was incredibly overwhelmed and that he needed time/space and that it had nothing to do with me....In the meantime, I have sent him messages (text, email and phone) reminding him that I am here for him and some crying ones expressing that I miss him and wish that he would let me support him through this difficult time. I'll admit that at times I have been angry and hurt at his complete turn around in behavior and have likely reacted more emotionally than I would have liked to. He was responding to my messages up until a couple of days ago and now has completely shut me out.....I still have not heard if he is going to jail soon or if it will be a few months, but my heart is breaking. This man was incredible despite the obvious downside of having pending legal

issues.....Despite only spending 6 weeks together, it was all day, every day, so it was different than even the longer dating relationships that I have had in the past since my divorce.

 

I have asked him several times if he wants to break up/not see me/wait until he is out of jail and then talk, but he says no. He says he does want to see me....hang out, but I have now not seen/heard from him for days....Do I keep sending encouraging messages....or do I just leave contacting me up to him and discontinue any attempts to contact him myself. I have a feeling that alot of this is about his self-esteem and him feeling like he doesn't

deserve me.....but there is so much good....I want to see him through this time. He also mentioned not wanting to get closer to me right now seeing as he would just have to leave. This is not how we discussed dealing with the situation. We had spoken about talking and me visiting him while he was gone. Why is he suddenly shutting me out? What should I do, I don't want him to think I don't care, but I don't want to smother him either?

[HokeyReligions]

He knows you are there for him, the next move is his. He has to work out his own issues and as for you, it depends on how long you want to wait for him. At some point you may decide to move on. Six weeks together is not a long time, even if you were together 24/7.

[snilljente]

You're right about him having to work out his own issues.....funny, we had talked so much about it...I just didn't expect totally abandonment...otherwise, I wouldn't have kept seeing him after he told me about what was going on. He had been handling it with such class until recently when he just freaked. I realized that 6 weeks is not a long time, but like I said....have dated ALOT of guys and at this age, I think 6 weeks is long enough to know....should I send him a note/mess now and then just letting him know I am thinking about him, or is that pathetic at this point ....I wonder if he feels like he has handled things too poorly for me to consider seeing him again....but on the other hand, I have clearly let him know that I want to see him. My heart will tell me how long I want to wait for him...I am really not at a spot where I can even think about any one else at this point. I sometimes wonder if I feel things more deeply than other people....I just get so hurt when people don't turn out to be what they seemed to be.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by snilljente

should I send him a note/mess now and then just letting him know I am thinking about him, or is that pathetic at this point ....

 

 

DON'T CONTACT HIM! Sorry to be so blunt. Regardless of the jail thing, why would you want to be with someone who drops you like a hot potato when things get hard. You have given him everything and he drops you anyway. What kind of a person is that?

You have been soooo supportive and that's not good enough for him. What would be good enough for him?

 

I say forget him. I realize that he is going to jail and he has a lot on his mind, but life is hard. Do you want to be dropped everytime life gets challenging? You will be. You'll be chasing him forever. "Please don't dump me, I'll do anything!!" Is this the life you want? He should be BEGGING you to stay with him...

 

Good luck with everything and I hope you find a new man with fewer complications...

[snilljente]

You're right...and I have thought about exactly what you mentioned....would he just push me away any time life got hard....not a great way to tackle things...I am more for the team approach...i.e. if you have a great significant other, then you can tackle life's problems together.....Funny, he mentioned all of the friends that dropped him like a hot potato when they found out that he had been arrested.....now he is doing it to me....I don't get how people can say they care and then be so cold.