He told a stupid lie

[Mycteria]

I've been dating this guy for about a month. He's different from any other man I've ever known. We decided last night that we were exclusive. I am 23 and he is 28.

 

A few weeks ago we were discussing previous relationships and he told me that he had had a casual sexual relationship with a woman that he lived with over the summer. He was pretty ashamed about this whole thing since he is against casual sex in general and so he ended up moving out of her house.

 

This morning he got on Facebook and said something like "oh wow, one of my friends got engaged." I asked who, and he pointed to the name and said it was one of his friends from where he used to live (in another state). I looked at the name and realized that it was actually the woman he'd slept with over the summer, who lives in our town. I have no idea why he would lie about this. The only reason I know it's this woman is because I went on his Facebook page to get a recent photo of him when I got my new phone because I'm anal and want a picture to pop up when he calls. The only recent photo was a pic of her and him. That didn't bother me at all.

 

But why on earth lie about it when he's already told me the story? Why not just say, "oh that's that woman I was telling you about before." The other stupid thing is that he actually already knew she was engaged, because he'd already told me about that too, and that he was happy for her!

 

I just don't get it. I was cheated on and lied to in my last relationship and lies are a deal breaker. I don't understand why he would lie about something so stupid. Should I bring this up to him? How?

[xdahliax]

You should ask him about it because it's sort of baffling that he would lie over something so stupid. I don't even understand why he's mentioned her and her engagement on more than one occasion, unless he's actually bothered by it.

 

I would have asked him as soon as I noticed it was the same girl though. I'm pretty straightforward and can't stand mulling things over. It makes little things turn into big things.

[Mycteria]

You should ask him about it because it's sort of baffling that he would lie over something so stupid. I don't even understand why he's mentioned her and her engagement on more than one occasion, unless he's actually bothered by it.

 

I would have asked him as soon as I noticed it was the same girl though. I'm pretty straightforward and can't stand mulling things over. It makes little things turn into big things.

 

I know, I should have brought it up right then and there. I was just kinda shocked he would lie in the first place so I didn't know quite what to say. I feel stupid bringin it up now thought, it makes me feel obsessive. But I mean really...it's so stupid.

 

He brought her up before because I asked. He knows about all my past relationships too. He actually doesn't really like to talk about her because he's ashamed about how the whole thing happened. I don't think he's bothered that she's engaged. But maybe I'm wrong. Now I don't known if I trust him.

[xdahliax]

I know, I should have brought it up right then and there. I was just kinda shocked he would lie in the first place so I didn't know quite what to say. I feel stupid bringin it up now thought, it makes me feel obsessive. But I mean really...it's so stupid.

 

He brought her up before because I asked. He knows about all my past relationships too. He actually doesn't really like to talk about her because he's ashamed about how the whole thing happened. I don't think he's bothered that she's engaged. But maybe I'm wrong. Now I don't known if I trust him.

 

Maybe you feel a bit stupid bringing it up now, but it's something that you need to do if you want to move on. Best of luck and let me know how it goes.

[sweetkiwi]

sometimes guys just forget what they've told you already. What did he lie about? I read the story twice and still don't understand.

[todreaminblue]

I've been dating this guy for about a month. He's different from any other man I've ever known. We decided last night that we were exclusive. I am 23 and he is 28.

 

A few weeks ago we were discussing previous relationships and he told me that he had had a casual sexual relationship with a woman that he lived with over the summer. He was pretty ashamed about this whole thing since he is against casual sex in general and so he ended up moving out of her house.

 

This morning he got on Facebook and said something like "oh wow, one of my friends got engaged." I asked who, and he pointed to the name and said it was one of his friends from where he used to live (in another state). I looked at the name and realized that it was actually the woman he'd slept with over the summer, who lives in our town. I have no idea why he would lie about this. The only reason I know it's this woman is because I went on his Facebook page to get a recent photo of him when I got my new phone because I'm anal and want a picture to pop up when he calls. The only recent photo was a pic of her and him. That didn't bother me at all.

 

But why on earth lie about it when he's already told me the story? Why not just say, "oh that's that woman I was telling you about before." The other stupid thing is that he actually already knew she was engaged, because he'd already told me about that too, and that he was happy for her!

 

I just don't get it. I was cheated on and lied to in my last relationship and lies are a deal breaker. I don't understand why he would lie about something so stupid. Should I bring this up to him? How?

 

 

you should ask him why he did lie to you......its an error a mistake for him to lie but people make them, the joys of imperfection in humanity......what amazes me is the capacity we have to forget the multitude of good for the one mistake someone makes the fact you said he is different from any other guy you have know should give human edge to make a mistake now and again.......and often if you ask someone why they lied they actually tell you the truth and are relieved about it...its a way of getting it out of your heart where it eats away at you apologising and moving on....i am not talking major transgressions i am talking one lie in a sea of good......do you empty all the water out or just bucket out the flotsam and sail on.......luckily i have been forgiven fro my transgression and as far as lies go i wish it were just lies that were my transgressions.......

 

this isnt partner related but lie related......i knew my teenage daughter was lying to me felt it in my heart....i gave her a free pass to tell the truth to me.....what she doesnt realise is that yes it was a free pass i didnt yell i didnt think less of her for telling me the truth.......truth is good....but what i did give her also with that free pass is the consequences of her actions will be seen later.......

 

 

when she asks to go somewhere unverified on the spur of the moment the answer will be a no for her own protection because what she did was enough to scare me....the consequences are i wont believe she will go where she says she i so it will be a no until i verify without a doubt that the same thing wont happen again.....that is a free pass......so a consequence is my trust wavers but i forgive and i dont yell and carry on but next time she lies to me .....there will eb this bank building up and there will be no free pass it will be grounded...until she turn 21........or 40 havent decided(i am kidding) but the punishment will be instant.......everybody needs a free pass in their life to make mistakes and learn.....hopefully the mistake isnt repeated or multiplied...if it is the conclusion gets more and more severe as lies build up......till trust is gone...and that isnt pretty.....i feel free passes should be given...your bf should hav ethat pass to explain himself then it is what you feel in your heart if you forgive him.......deb

[Mycteria]

sometimes guys just forget what they've told you already. What did he lie about? I read the story twice and still don't understand.

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear. Basically he told me about a past relationship that he was ashamed of, but when this girl popped up in his facebook news feed, he told me she was a friend of his from his hometown. He didn't know that I knew she was his past lover that he had told me about before.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I still don't understand the point of a lie like this.

[Art_Critic]

You are looking at it with the knowledge that you already knew who she was, he didn't know that you knew that.. so you can't understand it...

 

He felt guilt when she popped up in his newsfeed and felt obligated to relieve his guilt.. so he mentioned it to you without telling you who she was.. guilt removed..

 

One month in and just turned serious.. I wouldn't sweat a little cover lie like this.. 4 months in and he does this I would worry...

 

You could show him the photo on your phone... tell him about it.. see what he says..

Other than that..enjoy..but watch him for telling more lies.

[kristen73]

Wow that is so stupid....if he lies about little things that dont matter, how could you trust him if something really bad happened that he actually wanted to cover up???

[threebyfate]

I would have asked "Isn't that your FWB?", on the spot and watched his facial reaction.

[Mycteria]

You are looking at it with the knowledge that you already knew who she was, he didn't know that you knew that.. so you can't understand it...

 

He felt guilt when she popped up in his newsfeed and felt obligated to relieve his guilt.. so he mentioned it to you without telling you who she was.. guilt removed..

 

One month in and just turned serious.. I wouldn't sweat a little cover lie like this.. 4 months in and he does this I would worry...

 

You could show him the photo on your phone... tell him about it.. see what he says..

Other than that..enjoy..but watch him for telling more lies.

But I did know who she was, because he had already told me the story. He just didn't know that I also knew her name. I don't get why he couldn't have just said "that's the chick I was telling you about before." It makes no sense.

[Mycteria]

I would have asked "Isn't that your FWB?", on the spot and watched his facial reaction.

Yeah, like I said, I wish I had done that. But it's too late for that now. The question is how do I bring it up now? I'm not the type to just let it go. I don't sweat the small stuff normally, but I CANNOT handle a lie.

[SJC2008]

OP I'm confused as well. Is the lie that he said that was his friend? How do you know who she is? Is it possible he knew you knew who she was and didn't want to be like "Oh the girl I told you about is getting engaged" no to be awkward?? I'd be more upset about him sleeping with a woman who was in a r (If I read right).

[Mycteria]

OP I'm confused as well. Is the lie that he said that was his friend? How do you know who she is? Is it possible he knew you knew who she was and didn't want to be like "Oh the girl I told you about is getting engaged" no to be awkward?? I'd be more upset about him sleeping with a woman who was in a r (If I read right).

No. He told me about this woman a few weeks ago. He had lived with her over the summer when they were both single. He never told me her name, but I found out her name inadvertently through facebook. Then today, her name pops up in his news feed. He did not know that I knew her name (and thus knew that she was the woman that he had been with over the summer). He said, "oh wow, a friend of mine got engaged." I replied, "oh who?" and then He just kinda muttered that she was an old friend of his from his home town, which is a blatant lie.

 

And it doesn't make any sense for him to lie about it, since he had already told me all about her. He could have just explained that she was the person he was living with during the summer and I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

 

What makes even LESS sense is that he already knew she was engaged, because when he was telling me the story the first time, he told me that she had gotten engaged after he moved out.

 

Does that make more sense? I'm sorry I'm being confusing!

[Ninjainpajamas]

You shouldn't be confused, it's his actions and words that are causing the confusion.

 

My response to him being "ashamed" because of this casual sex relationship was do a HA laugh out loud, I mean seriously that couldn't be more BS.

 

You know why he's telling you that? because he doesn't want to be judged for it and seen as a bad guy, he's feeling guilty about this relationship and guess what? he probably anticipated she'd pop up in the news feed of his facebook or you'd find out about her in some way, so just in case to cover his @ss he came off all noble and truthful getting ahead of it and saying something about it instead of making the mistake of "surprising" you with it.

 

He did this to cover his own @ss and to have this story kind of come together...and yeah I'm sure he's muttering a few words about it, probably because the less you know the better...isn't it a funny coincidence how men always spin past relationships as they were the victim? weird thing going on around the forums isn't there? poor men out there, clearly they are being taken advantage of, we should really send someone out there to protect them

 

I'm not saying the guy is a "bad guy" or he's not trying to be honest at least in some way, but I guarantee you he's omitting truths and guess what? slowly but surely this story and information will start to unravel and he'll try and play stupid and hush hush about it...he already has his this little story in a nice package to explain to women or you, and that's what he sticks you...try to find out more and I'm sure he'll have to take a minute and think a little hard with his reply, he doesn't want to say too much.

 

Now yes, to an extent men make stupid mistakes and don't always give you the big picture or tell you upfront a whole situation or what not...but don't you think there's a little too much consistency and coincidences here and the "story" here isn't adding up too well?

 

The guy has something to hide, and he's older and wiser just enough to know how to plug some of the holes as he's made his mistakes from 23 to 28 I'm sure...so don't be so gullible and forgiving of things you don't even know or understand, address your concerns with him and communicate, because that's the real relationship, that's going to unveil what he's hiding or doesn't want to tell you, by you digging a little bit and being inquisitive...If it's truly over and in the past he'll have no problem explaining the whole situation out to you, If not he's going to pussy foot around trying to avoid the conversation because he knows there are just some things he doesn't want you to know about him...men want to maintain this "image" to you, so they prevent telling you things that would derail that, and quite honestly with the answers that women are able to accept and the forgiveness they develop without question make it's a pretty easy task for most men.

 

Don't believe everything a man says, and never take what he says at face value...listen to it, accept it and nod your head then communicate more about it and try to find out what the man doesn't want to tell you, because that's the real golden nugget, not the crap that men tell you easily and willingly, that's easy for any guy to do. As soon as you start "giving the benefit of the doubt" when something doesn't rub you the right way, the more you're setting yourself up to be blindsided, and for that I would blame you for being so trusting when you know in your gut something is off.

[Star Gazer]

I would have asked "Isn't that your FWB?", on the spot and watched his facial reaction.

 

This.

 

The truth is never hard to remember. A lie shows.

[Mycteria]

This.

 

The truth is never hard to remember. A lie shows.

Right...but as I've already said, it's too late to do this. And I already know for a fact that he lied, albeit about something really stupid. I'm wondering if maybe he didn't want me to know what her name was so that I wouldn't go back and look at her facebook or something. Maybe he didn't want me to see what she looked like (she is a good bit older than us). That is the only logical reason I can come up with as far as why he lied about it.

 

Ninjainpajamas: I think you've extrapolated quite a bit from what I've said. I'm not sure where you got most of that post.

 

His original story about this woman ads up perfectly. He's told me all the details about their relationship, most of which I have omitted here because it isn't relevant to the thread. His story is consistent with everything I've seen on facebook and it hasn't changed the few times we've talked about it. Plus, if he wanted to hide something about this relationship, he could have just told me that he dated this girl over the summer and it didn't work out and that was it. Instead, he told me the whole story, some of which might reflect badly on him. He was extremely upfront and honest about it, even the bad parts.

 

My problem is not about the nature of the relationship itself. My problem is that he lied about something else, which I've already explained several times. Honestly I'm really not sure how to respond to your post because it's so far removed from the point of this thread and from reality.

[CC12]

Should I bring this up to him? How?

 

Say, "The other day when you pointed out your friend who got engaged...that was your ex-roommate who you had a fling with, right?" If the answer is yes, say, "But didn't you already know a long time ago that she got engaged? And why did you tell me she was a friend from your hometown?" Just ask questions and see what he says. Don't accuse him of anything yet, because there's a chance you could be wrong about who the person is, correct?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Right...but as I've already said, it's too late to do this. And I already know for a fact that he lied, albeit about something really stupid. I'm wondering if maybe he didn't want me to know what her name was so that I wouldn't go back and look at her facebook or something. Maybe he didn't want me to see what she looked like (she is a good bit older than us). That is the only logical reason I can come up with as far as why he lied about it.

 

Ninjainpajamas: I think you've extrapolated quite a bit from what I've said. I'm not sure where you got most of that post.

 

His original story about this woman ads up perfectly. He's told me all the details about their relationship, most of which I have omitted here because it isn't relevant to the thread. His story is consistent with everything I've seen on facebook and it hasn't changed the few times we've talked about it. Plus, if he wanted to hide something about this relationship, he could have just told me that he dated this girl over the summer and it didn't work out and that was it. Instead, he told me the whole story, some of which might reflect badly on him. He was extremely upfront and honest about it, even the bad parts.

 

My problem is not about the nature of the relationship itself. My problem is that he lied about something else, which I've already explained several times. Honestly I'm really not sure how to respond to your post because it's so far removed from the point of this thread and from reality.

 

You're right about one thing, there isn't a lot of detail you're giving in your post enough to nail this guy down, but I feel that he is lying to you about the nature of this relationship with this woman and that's why he is lying to you about these seemingly stupid things. However for some reason you see them as completely separate things.

 

I think if he was being honest with you, you wouldn't be here asking this questions you are now and he'd have continued to tell the situation instead of pretend she was an old friend and act surprised that she was engaged because he forgot he already told you in the past and didn't realize it'd make him look a bit silly.

 

Whenever a guy does that it means he's got something to hide, it's as simple as that, therefore keeping you in the dark about who she is will hopefully create less waves.

 

Also I don't believe he went into great detail about this woman for your benefit, I think it was from an emotional stand-point and something he feels strongly about for one reason or another, a mixture of guilt, attachment and genuine emotions.

 

The main emphasis from my last point was trying to explain to you that he is lying to you for a reason and there is an important reason you should discuss further this situation because he may be emotionally attached to this woman still and that will definitely affect your relationship.

 

I think he's giving you enough reasons to be concerned to say the least about this woman...and it would be wise to ask him how he feels about her, how he feels about her getting married, what kind of relationship do you maintain now and does he feel like this is something he has to keep a secret. It would be wise to ask other questions to seek your answers instead of asking them directly, if men see where a woman is coming from then he may react accordingly like on auto-pilot, so be clever about it...I think it's really important for the sake of your feelings to find out what kind of man you are dealing with and where he is emotionally as a whole.

[ascendotum]

From what I read, he has not lied, he just did not describe the woman in question as his ex root, but as a friend. By him now calling her 'friend' and not former casual gf/fwb, what do you exactly think he is gaining from that?

If he was shagging this woman while she was in a relationship with another guy, I could see that he might not want to have that known as it says something about his character. The thing is he was living with her (supposedly), so it makes it a little hard for him to be the 'bit of crumpet on side'. I can see why you think its a little strange, but in the absence of other info I don't think you can automatically assume something really shady is going on (or what is the worst..he was screwing a woman who was also seeing another man...she got hitched to new guy pretty damn quick). I'd just ask him casually like a few others have mentioned.

[ffw]

I've been dating this guy for about a month. He's different from any other man I've ever known. We decided last night that we were exclusive. I am 23 and he is 28.

 

A few weeks ago we were discussing previous relationships and he told me that he had had a casual sexual relationship with a woman that he lived with over the summer. He was pretty ashamed about this whole thing since he is against casual sex in general and so he ended up moving out of her house.

 

This morning he got on Facebook and said something like "oh wow, one of my friends got engaged." I asked who, and he pointed to the name and said it was one of his friends from where he used to live (in another state). I looked at the name and realized that it was actually the woman he'd slept with over the summer, who lives in our town. I have no idea why he would lie about this. The only reason I know it's this woman is because I went on his Facebook page to get a recent photo of him when I got my new phone because I'm anal and want a picture to pop up when he calls. The only recent photo was a pic of her and him. That didn't bother me at all.

 

But why on earth lie about it when he's already told me the story? Why not just say, "oh that's that woman I was telling you about before." The other stupid thing is that he actually already knew she was engaged, because he'd already told me about that too, and that he was happy for her!

 

I just don't get it. I was cheated on and lied to in my last relationship and lies are a deal breaker. I don't understand why he would lie about something so stupid. Should I bring this up to him? How?

 

I guess in his eyes she is just a friend. Probabily, this is the second time she got engaged or something (only he knows). So, basically you are upset because he didn't respond the way you wanted???

[Emilia]

Maybe he didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he is still friends with her OP on facebook. Lots of people have issue with that sort of thing. This is probably a storm in a teacup but just keep an eye on him.

[sweetkiwi]

guys really do forget things. He could have a whole host of honest reasons, but since you didn't ask him asap now he has to mentally recreate the scene which will give you his assumed answer, not the in the moment answer.

 

I had a similiar experience. When my man and i were talking about girls and the flip flop of desire and rejection, he mentioned this girl eva.

 

She was younger and was a friend. Nothing sexual had happened between them. He said she had wanted to date him then turned around the next day and said she only wanted to be friends. He was fine with that. So of course she wanted him even more after he wasn't fighting for a relationship he didn't want.

 

Fastforward six months and this same girl is dating his best friend. Coincidence? I think not. I asked him if she was the same eva who wanted to be with him before i came along. He had completely forgot he told me. And he expected me to be pissed. I wasn't. I simply told him that women remember that stuff.

 

She acts weird around me. She's honestly way hotter but kinda boring. Its no wonder why he wants to be with me. And if i want to be with him i have to not assume the worst. If he's worth it just talk to him and try to keep an open mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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