Waytoblue Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I'm new to the forums and this is my first post.*waves hello* I just recently caught my husband conversing with a woman on a social/sharing site.The posts were inappropriate and there were also chats through messenger.He of course is defending himself by usual methods when someone gets caught doing this.I invaded his privacy,he did not touch her physically,lying about the content in the conversations,lying about sending photo's,saying he was about to end it and I should not have interfered. I took matters into my own hands by getting on his account and making myself be known(his wife)in a non combative,civil manner.I confronted him and he made up one lie after another. I disproved most of what he was trying to get me to accept. We have had marital problems for a while and I have contributed to them.I have admitted and acknowledged my part.My husband on the other hand refuses to hold himself accountable for any of his own contributions to the difficulty.He is expecting me to do all of the trying while he continues glued to this site like these people are his world. He is making passive aggressive comments about me...under his real life name...to strangers he met on this site.I suspect he has spoken ill of me in chats as well and seems to have built an army of supporters and sympathisers. I have asked him not to discuss our personal life online.He also attempted to hide the fact he has a wife until recently and makes sure I am hidden from the rest of his list(he actually invited me to this site) and GOD FORBID they see anything I post or he posts to me.So,I removed him from my list and I use the site very moderately to follow interests mostly.Some days not at all.I have never been a huge chat with people person and am mindful of my safety online.I have been trying to limit my online activity altogether to focus more on life. Since this has happened he is defensive over everything I say...even mudane,every day conversation.He seems in a "punish" mode by posting public jabs at me.I try to be nice to him..he ignores with his face in his phone or pad on this site. The most troubling aspect is this:he looks for women who have problems in their life and then sets out to support them and spends a good amount of time doing so.However,he states he can not show emotion well and doesn't know how to be emotionally supportive of me.But yet he is on this site trying to be hero of the day helping these people who have problems.This is disturbing to me....and he has done this before.There is more but I don't want to overload on one post....it's all just starting to scare me not only for the marriage but my personal privacy and safety.I fear he is voice recording me too...he did one night I was talking with him and played it back.Regular conversation but still... I told him we have enough problems of our own to solve.He will get up at night while I am asleep to post on this site as well or lay in bed with his phone.The woman he was talking with has blocked him but I'm sure another will come out of the woodwork very soon.I do not know what to make of this intentional seeking out of troubled women or any of his other weird behavior lately....any thoughts on it from people here would be appreciated.
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 It seems he's looking for attention, hence the quest for troubled women who he can rescue, while presenting himself in his best light. It's an ego-boost to him. Women in need, damsels in distress needing a strong man, turning to him to confide in him. At the same time, he trashes you behind your back, making it seem that he's the good guy, the strong personality who happens to be with the wrong woman. Since the whole extramarital contact is online, there's no way any of these women can actually verify what he's telling them. He can present himself as somebody he's not, present himself as desirable and manly and whatnot. If they buy it, he's got what he wanted. Female attention. A lot. See, he's spending so much time talking to these women online that it really must mean something to him. The ego-boost is addictive. Just wait and see what happens if one of them actually suggests a one-on-one meeting somewhere for a lunch or dinner and drinks. He says he never had sex with anyone, but trust me, he'll jump at the opportunity. He's already mentally / emotionally cheating and as soon as one of his emotional affair partners suggests a meeting, he will not say no. He might have even suggested it himself but hasn't yet been lucky enough, or he has actually done it. How will you ever know? I'm sure he'd deny deny deny ..... Conclusion of my rant: in my eyes he's cheating all right, and you have to act now. Draw the line ASAP and follow through. 2
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I say, be tough and tell him to pack a suitcase and get out. he can go stay at a friends house or some OW's house for all you care. (I know you do care, but act like you don't.) He needs to suffer some sort of consquence to 'get it and wake up'. Let him stew in it and be alone without you in his life for a few weeks. Let him prove to you he is worthy of a chance to work this out. As of now he's made YOU out to be the bad guy..You are the one who is causing problems, it's all your fault. He's acting like a big selfish baby, sulking and being passive. Screw that. You don't need to put up with that. He has to own up to what he's done and show some remorse. seems like he just doesn't get it at all... so, show him the door and maybe he'll "get it" and do something about this, fix things or at least start communicating with you instead of shutting you out. 3
Author Waytoblue Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Thank you for the replies.I did try to tell him to get out ,he won't.I tried to leave, he threatened to throw away all my belongings. It was suggested by the one woman I caught him talking with in my OP they meet or implied.His response(to me)even if he wanted it to happen(and he did)he didn't have the money to drive to her state(she is also 8/9 years younger,fit,etc...my husband is "at that age"where trouble starts.I am five yrs behind him).And that he realized she was out of his league bc she liked men like Paul Walker,lol(and he showed me a picture of him to show me he couldn't measure up to it-I didn't even know this celebrity existed nor care). And that she was into the health and fitness life and he didn't measure up.So,therefore he said he realized nothing would ever come of it....I could not believe my ears and my first thought was you need a psychiatrist.Also he wasn't just trying for attention or the other...he was looking to replace me obviously. He said when she asked him how did he know she didn't want to meet him,he responded by saying it meant the world to him and he didn't realize how much he needed attention.But he is also responsible for some of the reasons I wasn't giving it to him.I know I need to kick him to the curb. And yes,he'd jump at the chance and has this "I am MAN"thing going on.I told him- seeking out lonely ,troubled women like he was, reminded me of a preditor.He got his ego boost...big time bc of his own brokeness he seeked it.His insecurities of that started long bf me and he can't handle I am a woman with a mind of my own.So if I state any view that differs from his(like politics,etc)even very calmly he flips out and yells. So,I withdrew from the marriage.I yell too,btw.I won't lie.I shouldn't but it's so frustrating, I respond that way at times. He always says,YOU did this or that,YOU are a hypocrite...etc.Then turns and does it back to me what he says I do.I'm not perfect,I know I have my self to mend and improve.But I'm not enlisting ppl online to go against him to feel better under my own real name and address.I seek support bc I have little of it in real life due to being miles away from my home area but I don't seek it the way he is putting our safety at risk let alone cheating*he doesn't think it was cheating....of course). Now it became worse in my mind just an hour or so ago...one woman he has posted and chatted with daily is on that site freaking out bc no one on the site was helping her with her problems today. And she told ppl off in her post because of it saying here she sits all alone.This person wallows in misery and acts like a person that is ready to snap.He is going to cause someone to be at our door with knife in hand if he doesn't stop.I'm scared....I truly am for my safety.I have to figure out how to get out of this situation unharmed and without total loss other wise.
freestyle Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Wow- there are some serious issues happening here, that are most likely going to take years to fix. Passive aggression is nasty stuff---I think it's actually worse than overt aggression, at least THAT is obvious, you see it coming, and can prepare yourself for a blow. But passive, or covert aggression is sneaky---it pretends to be something it's not--- In reality it's nothing more than intense hostility cloaked in feigned innocence. If you haven't had kids with your H yet, it might be better for you to end it, given the level of disrespect you're dealing with from him. If your finances are intertwined, it might be a good idea to start unraveling that , so you won't end up high & dry. Have an account of your own, and stop contributing to any joint accounts. 2
Steen719 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) I almost don't know where to start with this. My XH was addicted to facebook - wait a minute, the psychologist I saw said that was NOT an addiction, but a choice. It is really entirely too long to write here what all happened, but I did want to say that he was online all of the time. He became with friends with all kinds of women and some were inappropriate (dancers, young women my son's age 20) and some were old friends and old girlfriends. He also became friends with a much younger woman - he was 57 and she was 33 (best I remember). Her oldest child was 9. Good Lord. One of her children was sick and he was giving her all kinds of advice (he is a nurse) and puffing himself up to her, making himself sound so important. They were supposed to meet and she just never got back in touch with him. Honestly, it was creepy the way he talked to her and I imagine she started thinking so, too. One woman he tried to befriend was a friend of a friend or a fb friend or whatever. She asked him how he got her name to be a friend and he told her and she told him in no uncertain terms to leave her alone and never contact her again. He had told her how attractive he found her. Your H's behavior is unacceptable and if he hasn't done something with one of these women, it is only because he has not been able to. There is NO EXCUSE for this behavior, none. Do not accept it and he needs to stop it immediately. It is not healthy and it will be the ruin of your marriage. Another thing is that he recorded you. What is up with that? Creepy. My XH proposed to an old gf he found on fb. This was while he and I were still married and in the middle of me finding out about what he was doing. Unstable thinking, unstable behavior and altogether not good. You must find a way to get control of your life. Believe me, acceptance of this kind of behavior will net you only pain. Go talk to someone who can help you sort this out and starting tomorrow morning, tell him that you will not accept this as part of your marriage anymore. He needs to stop it, get some help to find out what the hell is making him do this if he wants to stay married to you. Of course, he might not and this might be the prelude to that. I believe that is what mine was. Good luck. Edited to add: My XH also blamed me for everything. It was my fault, I was making too much of it, I made him unhappy. UGH, he even said he would not put up with what he was doing, but still blamed me for leaving him. Stupid, stupid man Edited October 29, 2012 by Steen719 2
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