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The TALK

paradigm shift

By paradigm shift
in Separation and Divorce

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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So, today I was ready to hear the why, and it was not pretty. He is angry and hurt at the way I have treated him all these years. He needs more intimacy in a relationship, physical and emotional. I agreed with everything he said, because it was true. Although he did lay blame on himself as well for behaviour that was not all together becoming over the years.

 

I asked for a chance. He said he couldn't trust me right now and couldn't give an answer today. I said I understood, told him I wanted to work on this marriage and was working on myself as well. He said he could not do ten years like the past ten and I replied I could not either.

 

I told him that nothing matters except that I love him, and I am continuing IC in hopes of being finally able to show my weaker side, rather than strong arm my way through life.

 

He doesn't know if he can love me like I want, because there is so much past. I said I leave it with him to decide, but I want to try, at least, when he is ready and that hopefully my actions will speak louder than words.

 

I am hopeful and scared. I may have blown the best thing in my life. But I told him that I am continuing therapy to strip away everything that I am feeling to see if it is truly love that remains. Not being alone, or having to start again etc., because I have to be absolutely sure.

 

He maintains that we could be friends, very good friends, but is sure that we cannot be married anymore. That is what gives me some hope..:)

 

So now I wait, I continue on with my life and will not wait around to seek validation through someone else. I have told him that I am willing to go for coffee and before he leaves today (has been helping with yard work etc, spending time with kids), I will tell him if he wants to grab a coffee just call or text (although I will answer the text later and let call go to voice mail...). A little 180 happening, been happy, upbeat, a bit jokey, good news about future job prospects for me etc.

 

Will not email or text unless he initiates or unless it is a kid thing. Made an "appointment" next Saturday to budget the finances.

 

I can do this. Either way it works out, I think the work I am doing now will only benefit me. While I want my marriage back, I am also very aware that this may not happen and have to be prepared to go on by myself.

 

Cheers guys, and thanks :)

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River Rain Established Member

River Rain

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Great attitude. I hope things work out as you wish, good luck! :)

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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TY. River Rain, hoping for the best as well, but only time will tell. Verbally, right now, he does not see us back together, but as I said, all I asked was to try and he said even if we did it may take a long time for him to get to that point. It's a risk I have to take, I guess, being separated right now, but I have to focus on me and my attitude and my life.

 

Got some good self esteem tips...gonna start using those :)

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River Rain Established Member

River Rain

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TY. River Rain, hoping for the best as well, but only time will tell. Verbally, right now, he does not see us back together, but as I said, all I asked was to try and he said even if we did it may take a long time for him to get to that point. It's a risk I have to take, I guess, being separated right now, but I have to focus on me and my attitude and my life.

 

Got some good self esteem tips...gonna start using those :)

 

The self esteem tips will come in handy! See, mine dumped me, said he wasn't ready for a relationship, a month later he had a change of heart...but then so did I because I decided to open my heart again and trust...you're right, time will tell. Good to focus on you! :)

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Tiberius Established Member

Tiberius

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Why cant he just book the services of a professional, like every other married man?

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

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Yes, I really agree with River Rain, you have one heck of a positive attitude. And you are lucky to have discovered and applied 180 early on. I wish I had. I would be so much furthre along in my own progress if I were following your example. Bravo, Paradigm Shift. Now stick to it, and there will never be another "The Talk" again, unless HE wants to initiate it, and then you will just listen, and nod. LSer's are with you all the way! Continue to entusastically work on YOU, beautiful, and do your thang! You got a lot of freedom you didn't have before! You "get me?"

 

Yas

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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I "get you":D

 

Thanks Yas...means a lot. Still are moments when I feel his family crystal may not be exactly safe, but on the whole it's been a good couple of days. More hope, better sleep and working on myself :)

 

(((Yas)))

 

PS

robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

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. He is angry and hurt at the way I have treated him all these years. He needs more intimacy in a relationship, physical and emotional. :)

 

Please understand this is a total rewrite of marital history.

robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

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. Although he did lay blame on himself as well for behaviour that was not all together becoming over the years.:)

 

Think 'The it's not you it's me' line

robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

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He maintains that we could be friends, very good friends, but is sure that we cannot be married anymore. That is what gives me some hope..:)

 

I'm not saying that there isn't hope but that may or may not come in the future. Right now this says he is done.

 

Stop asking him for chances and telling him you love him...

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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Nope Rob, it was pretty much all my fault lol!! This was the first talk and if you read it, I left the ball in his court and it will remain there. As I said, I will let actions speak louder than words and even though it will break my heart, if at the end, I have to say goodbye to him, I will :)

 

Today I sent him an ecard (funny) for Hallowe'en and due to miscommunication we missed a coffee meeting yesterday. So I said only that I would Have liked to sit in the sun and had coffee. No relationship mention, no I love you etc. This is a 180 for me since I like to control every aspect. I have left things with him to take as he would like.

 

Me? I have bad days and good days, but I continue to go on with my life and remain happy and calm anytime he sees me. There will be some tests coming I am sure, but if I remain in this frame of mind, I will be okay :)

robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

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Nope Rob, it was pretty much all my fault lol!!

 

I do hope you are saying this jokingly!! It takes two in every marriage..

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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Okay...A) you were up early :p

 

and

 

B) Yes I was joking lol!! I realize my attitude, remarks etc had a huge part to play in H's decision to separate, but his attitude and way of dealing with things did as well. Communication was and usually had been poor between us, so whatever one person was "communicating" the other didn't receive the message. For example, my husband insists that he has tried many times to tell me how unhappy he has been and I never received these "messages". Unless it is a 2x4, I guess I am, unfortunately, unaware of any signs that he was so desperately unhappy...

robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

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Okay...A) you were up early :p

 

and

 

B) Yes I was joking lol!! I realize my attitude, remarks etc had a huge part to play in H's decision to separate, but his attitude and way of dealing with things did as well. Communication was and usually had been poor between us, so whatever one person was "communicating" the other didn't receive the message. For example, my husband insists that he has tried many times to tell me how unhappy he has been and I never received these "messages". Unless it is a 2x4, I guess I am, unfortunately, unaware of any signs that he was so desperately unhappy...

 

Nope I'm in the UK, We've got at least 5 hours on you if you're in US :)

 

Dunno, usually saying something like 'I'm not happy because (insert reason)' would be the way to tell a partner that you are not happy, but maybe that''s just me.

 

He's just rewriting marital history to suit him now, and realising that you are buying it hook line and sinker, makes him do it even more.

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

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I know, right? "I'm not happy because...." would be pretty straight forward. However, upon reading many many posts on LS, we all seem to assume we become mind readers once we are married and that marriage doesn't seem to require effort.

 

Oh, I am not buying it hook line and sinker, trust me. But it does give me the opportunity to look at my behaviour and make a change if I want to. This change is not being made with the hope that I get my H back. It is being made as I go forward with my life. :)

 

H back would be good, but I could not spend the next however many years in the exact same situation of no communication etc. So if things are better because of my work-cool. If not-cool :) (okay, not "cool", but I will be able to deal with it ):)

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