Pinky777 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Hi I'm new to this forum and need some advice. I'm 35, recently divorced, no kids, and have been dating a 45 year old divorced dad for about 6 months now. In the beginning, it was very intense. He's charming, and since we had so much in common I fell hard and fast for him. He wined and dined me and we talked for hours about everything under the sun. After about 2 months, the intensity died down a bit. I think maybe he got scared, and he began telling me he's not ready for a serious relationship but to be patient with him and take things slow. I agreed...both of us got dumped in the same way by our exes, we both got cheated on and our exes are living wiht the person they cheated with. I totally understand someone having trust issues, I have them too. He's been divorced for about year, me, my divorce was finalized about a month ago but I've been separated for almost a year. Anway, here we are now about 4 months later. Since we've started dating I've met his kids on numerous occasions and we really hit it off. (His kids are 8 and 9). Met his mom, his brothers, and quite a few of his friends. He's met my sisters and friends. We saw each other a few times a week and everything was fine. Even though he says he doesn't see it as serious, we are exclusive, not seeing other people, he just doesn't have time for a full time relationship. Recently though, he's been under a lot of stress. He has a successful job where he works a lot. Kids started school, he coaches their soccer team. The ex is difficult and he's been having some money issues. He's also had this ongoing health issue caused by the stress, which compounds it, of course. He doesn't sleep much which also doesn't help. He's been telling me about all of this, and I've tried to be supportive and let him have his space. We see each other once, maybe twice a week and for the most part everything is great. We bicker on occasion but what couple doesn't. He tells me that on top of everything else, he's stressed about "us". He has said that on more than one occasion, but haven't pressed him about it. Until the other day. I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked hiim what he meant when he said that our relatioship gives him stress. It was 1am and we had to get up in 4 hours, so not the best time, I know. I just couldn't sleep sleep though. He got weird, but eventually just said he has a lot on his plate and isn't ready for a "full time relationship". OK, I got that. After a few minutes he got up to go to the bathroom and was in there for 10 minutes. When he got out he just went to bed. Conversation over I guess. We both had miserable night's sleep and he woke up cranky. I asked him if he were mad, he said no, but he was weird. This past weekend he went away on a weekend trip with his boys, and he's been ignoring my phone calls and not returning my texts. This is the first time in 6 months he hasn't texted me or called me. I tried calling him before he left Thursday, no answer. Friday no contact at all. Saturday i texed him hello and nothing. He comes back from his trip today, so I'm assumiing he should call. What I'm wondering is, it seems pretty clear to me he needs a bit of space, but he hasn't said this. Should I keep trying to contact him? Or should I let him come to me? At what point do I try to text or call asking for an explanation? Does it sound like he's blowing me off? Should I give it a few more days then try one more time? Friends say to just play his game and ignore him back, but I really feel like I need some sort of explanation at least. He should have the balls to tell me if it's over. I know he's been stressed, but that doesn't give someone an excuse to be rude. We all deal with stress, but I don't cut someone out of my life because of it. Even if he just texed me and said he needs space, that would help. I just don't know how to play this...thoughts? I mean he is 45 years old. Too old to be playing games, don't you think?
utterer of lies Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 He got weird, but eventually just said he has a lot on his plate and isn't ready for a "full time relationship". Wait, I'll translate this for you: He isn't ready for a full-time relationship with you. Sorry. 3
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Nope. I wouldn't try to contact him again. He does owe you an explanation (an honest one!), but he seems too self-involved to give you one. The only reason he's been around so long is because you went with the flow, asked very few questions and demanded little of him. You deserve better. 1
Author Pinky777 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 You're right, I have tried to make it very easy for him while it's been hard on me. I fell completely in love with him and I know he doesn't feel the same. It sounds pathetic, but as long as I could be with him I almost didn't care. When we were together he's sweet and affectionate and treats me well. He has said he cares about me though. It's just like he did a 180 on me. I don't get why he'd introduce me to his kids if it wasn't serious. He also agreed to go to a family wedding this weekend and would meet my parents. I'm seeing the writing on the wall, now. I just hate that he does all these sweet things. He keeps making future plans, involving me in his life, and then he acts like this.
utterer of lies Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I'm sure he likes you and enjoys your company and the sex. That has nothing to do with whether he considers you relationship material. Which he doesn't. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 OMG, OP, are you dating my ex?? He said the same thing to me -- word for word. Including the "full time relationship" thing. WTF? Yeah, not a good sign. Run as fast you can from this one... He wants FWB. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Being ready for a FT relationship after a failed marriage is a real issue. it isnt some sort of cop-out. Based on what happened with the divorce and now with the problems with the EX it adds stress. Him traveling for the weekend with his kids....has he done this during your dating before? Another issue I think both of you seemed to get into this too soon after your failed prior relationships. This screams rebound relationship. The idea of a rebound...you like the fun of dating but you dont want the stress/responsibility of a serious relationship 1
Imported Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Did he go camping with his kids? Out in the wilderness? Maybe he has no cell signal.
Sunfire73 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 He is not ready for a serious relationship. 1 year out of divorce is not enough for him to be ready to jump to another relationship with kids, exes involved. He is clearly emotionally unavailable, and should just stick to dating non exclusively. If this is not what you want then you should move on.
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Hi I'm new to this forum and need some advice. I'm 35, recently divorced, no kids, and have been dating a 45 year old divorced dad for about 6 months now. In the beginning, it was very intense. He's charming, and since we had so much in common I fell hard and fast for him. He wined and dined me and we talked for hours about everything under the sun. After about 2 months, the intensity died down a bit. I think maybe he got scared, and he began telling me he's not ready for a serious relationship but to be patient with him and take things slow. I agreed...both of us got dumped in the same way by our exes, we both got cheated on and our exes are living wiht the person they cheated with. I totally understand someone having trust issues, I have them too. He's been divorced for about year, me, my divorce was finalized about a month ago but I've been separated for almost a year. Anway, here we are now about 4 months later. Since we've started dating I've met his kids on numerous occasions and we really hit it off. (His kids are 8 and 9). Met his mom, his brothers, and quite a few of his friends. He's met my sisters and friends. We saw each other a few times a week and everything was fine. Even though he says he doesn't see it as serious, we are exclusive, not seeing other people, he just doesn't have time for a full time relationship. Recently though, he's been under a lot of stress. He has a successful job where he works a lot. Kids started school, he coaches their soccer team. The ex is difficult and he's been having some money issues. He's also had this ongoing health issue caused by the stress, which compounds it, of course. He doesn't sleep much which also doesn't help. He's been telling me about all of this, and I've tried to be supportive and let him have his space. We see each other once, maybe twice a week and for the most part everything is great. We bicker on occasion but what couple doesn't. He tells me that on top of everything else, he's stressed about "us". He has said that on more than one occasion, but haven't pressed him about it. Until the other day. I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked hiim what he meant when he said that our relatioship gives him stress. It was 1am and we had to get up in 4 hours, so not the best time, I know. I just couldn't sleep sleep though. He got weird, but eventually just said he has a lot on his plate and isn't ready for a "full time relationship". OK, I got that. After a few minutes he got up to go to the bathroom and was in there for 10 minutes. When he got out he just went to bed. Conversation over I guess. We both had miserable night's sleep and he woke up cranky. I asked him if he were mad, he said no, but he was weird. This past weekend he went away on a weekend trip with his boys, and he's been ignoring my phone calls and not returning my texts. This is the first time in 6 months he hasn't texted me or called me. I tried calling him before he left Thursday, no answer. Friday no contact at all. Saturday i texed him hello and nothing. He comes back from his trip today, so I'm assumiing he should call. What I'm wondering is, it seems pretty clear to me he needs a bit of space, but he hasn't said this. Should I keep trying to contact him? Or should I let him come to me? At what point do I try to text or call asking for an explanation? Does it sound like he's blowing me off? Should I give it a few more days then try one more time? Friends say to just play his game and ignore him back, but I really feel like I need some sort of explanation at least. He should have the balls to tell me if it's over. I know he's been stressed, but that doesn't give someone an excuse to be rude. We all deal with stress, but I don't cut someone out of my life because of it. Even if he just texed me and said he needs space, that would help. I just don't know how to play this...thoughts? I mean he is 45 years old. Too old to be playing games, don't you think? t seems like i always say something different to everybody else on here...but ill say it anyway because it comes from my heart........ for starters of you listen and follow your friends advice about a guy you know better than them there are problems already.....you know after going through a break up with kids involved that you tread cautiously you dont only have your life but the lives of those around you that are tied to your life to consider....not follow....but consider.... its called consideration for others...other than yourself and what you feel and when you have family its all about trying to compromise and consider every bodys well being.......then ultimately you do what makes you happy because if your family love you they will eb happy so your friends should be..... when you have a break up that was acrimonious, then, it makes you wary.......when you have family its a slow process of integrating others into that family life that was set already.......i have not introduced any dates to my family not one.....but they do know now about someone i like and they have met him which is new.......but again i take it slow......and its hard because in the past and in my last relationship it wasnt as slow......i was still a snail but we were intimate as soon as i finalised details with a relationship that had ended months before i get scared approaching a new relationship i get stressed because i think of every possible scenario analyze everything and then throw it all away and go with my heart....i have schizo affective disorder apparently never can be too sure....but i have voices in my head when i am stressed or scared they come up to play....they bat and my heart catches.....and throws the ball back....not really fun to go through...i have my faith though and my faith resides with my heart keeps it pumping.......medication failed many times...... as far as me making moves its a lot easier if the guy does it and is clear because the voices dont get a foothold .......i have used this catch phrase a lot dont be shy and i wont be either......I am empathic and sympathetic to others' emotions.......and if there is shyness it makes it hard for me extremely hard.......if people relax around me.....are open with me there's nothing fro me to fight....i can just have fun and be who i am.....that is why i believe move with honesty.......tell him how you feel.......people who are stressed dont need to be hidden away and stepped around they need people to be open and honest to not treat them with kit gloves and say what they think or feel........especially when stressed.....i dont mean rude i dotn mean to not consider feelings i just mean honesty......with compassion....and then everything works out....i still move slow when there is honesty and when people arent shy around me.......i am still careful......but i am not a nervous wreck...if people are shy around me then i worry i am always going to say the wrong thing they dont like me, im boring, they think i am retarded whatever those thoughts are that is what i am thinking and hearing and a myriad of other negative thoughts and voices in my head take over and i kamikaze myself trying to get people to open up ........be truthful with what you feel...more honesty in love and relationships can never be bad ....giving space is a way to avoid......i do it all the time...... my family and friends know to harass me till i speak when i retreat......... the first time ill say im fine its nothing the second the third even but the fourth, i see they do want to talk to me they do want to know what is upsetting me they wont walk away when i speak and i open up...pretty messed up ..and you are probably thinking i have tickets on myself i hope not ,because i dont...exactly the opposite....but its just me and if people make an effort with me(just yesterday someone followed em to find otu why i was upset normally it doesnt happen other than family or my two best friends) i felt it and i appreciated the effort....even thought eh lady in question wouldnt know little things like that make a difference i tried to thank her enough so that she could see.....now i sound desperate im stopping.... i am loyal and i would never not appreciate effort made on my behalf....it makes me smile that someone made an effort for me for no gain other than to be my friend......because i always try to make an effort for others it is nice once in a while for someone to show they care about me.....i have told you my messy story so you can see soemtimes you just cant tell what someone is thinkign or wants you have to follow your heart and your boyfriend i feel needs you to not to give space but let him knwo you are there adn keep reminding him till he opens up ............speak to your bf from your heart and i wish you hope and happiness in love.....deb Edited October 28, 2012 by todreaminblue
jcrew11 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If you left him a voicemail or text, he will get back to you when he is ready. Don't call him or text him. Definitely do not try to call him or text him every day; or every other day. Don't be annoying. Give him one week or 7 days alone. If he doesn't call you back in 14 days, its over and consider yourself single and free to date other men. After 14 days, just call him or leave a message telling him you are breaking up with him.
Recommended Posts