Shinobi29 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I'm a few weeks into dating this fantastic Korean woman who's working in my city. She tells me that she finds we're more compatible and that she's fallen for me quicker than anyone else she's ever met! I've caught her smiling and looking at me when she thinks I'm not aware of it and she constantly initiates kissing and more and very passionately does so. In other words, it's one of the most promising starts to a relationship I've ever had and definitely not platonic in any way. Now after all that bragging(!)... she says she thinks I'm literally ugly!! She says she likes certain parts of my face but overall she "knows" I'm not handsome and is very open about using the word 'ugly' to describe me physically. While it's somewhat true, I'm not particularly good looking, past girlfriends have told me they liked my face and body. Although she claims to think looks are not important, she brings this up quite a bit. So my only options seem to be these: Hope that in time she'll begin to find me good looking and become attracted to me and if she doesn't, accept that it's not important for me to get that validation from her. Cut my losses, end the thing we have now and eventually find another woman with whom there's mutual physical attraction. As I said, this could be the start of the best relationship I've ever had, I count the hours until I see her again (very unusual for me!) and I like her a lot. But I don't know if I'll always have the confidence to put up with the thought that a woman I may love doesn't like my appearance. Am I being overly sensitive? What would others in here do in this ugly situation?
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I'd cut my losses. Aren't you supposed to be able to see beauty in people you feel so strongly about? If she still calls you ugly, fails to see your beauty, and completely disregards your feelings, she's not worth it. You're setting the tone for how you'll be treated later on by accepting this. 2
MrCastle Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Next this girl. There will be others. There always are. 1
KraftDinner Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Holy crap! I can't believe you're even questioning this. She's a horrible person for saying that! In my head that borders on emotional abuse! How can you stand that??? What a bitch. 3
KathyM Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 That's pretty nasty, to tell the guy you're dating that he's ugly. It's kind of like she wants to keep your self esteem low so you won't dump her. Either that, or she's brutally honest and doesn't see anything wrong with being that way. You don't need this. IMO, you should let her go. 1
GirlontheLam Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 OK I am going to give you a different answer. It seems like she is attracted to you, though you are not attractive. To use some generalizations, Asians tend to be really blunt and direct. Especially around things like looks an appearance. A few weeks ago, I was at the nail salon, and the owner was chatting about her daughter. Patron: your daughter is really beautiful and pretty!Owner: No that is a lie, my daughter is not pretty. I don't want to fill her head with lies. I know, I am her mom and I am supposed to call her beautiful and whatnot, but some people just aren't pretty. it isn't a bad thing. I know she is cute. I love her....but she isn't going to be the most beautiful girl in the room.Patron: (looks shocked)Owner: My husband always told me about how his sister was the most beautiful girl in the whole town. After years of hype I finally go to go home (to Vietnam) to meet her. I was shocked. She wasn't pretty at all. She had a lovely personality, and I think her warmth and charm made people overlook her physical imperfections and she became beautiful in their eyes. She is a lovely person, but not pretty. Now I keep my mouth shut because I realize not everyone has the same definition of beautiful as I do. **for what its worth, the owners daughter is super cute, but I don't think she is a great beauty either. But she'll be a cutie when she grows up. More girl next door than drop dead gorgeous. So here is my take. She doesn't think you are handsome, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care for you.
FitChick Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. Clearly she finds you attractive. I think she just has a problem being diplomatic and is one of those people who just blurt things out. Tell her she hurt your feelings. Would you prefer someone who said you were cute but recoiled from your touch? I thought lying was the big sin on LoveShack. 1
ascendotum Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I'm with Fitchick on this...actions speak loader than words, and that's what really counts in the end, as you will see in so many threads from other people on the various forums in this site. Just go with the flow. I have not been called ugly by a gf, but have been told I was not all that good physique wise, but at the end of the day, I am not deluded over my looks, and what counted was their affection, smiles, and desire. Ugly is a pretty strong word to use and it would take many people aback hearing it from someone they liked, but obviously she sees something in you other than your looks, and for all the threads on here complaining about people's obsession with looks, here is someone who seem to dig you and it is not because of your looks. You are obviously smitten because you are count the hours until I see her again....that's a great feeling to have, so I say it stick with it. Actually you say..."Hope that in time she'll begin to find me good looking and become attracted to me" but you also say..."promising starts to a relationship I've ever had and definitely not platonic in any way". If she initiates passionate kissing with you or is dropping to her knees, then I say she is already attracted to you.
ScreamingTrees Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Sounds like a total bitch to me, and I would be insulted, ugly or not, that she'd have the balls to say that to me, and it'd be worse if she did it with a smile, as if it's OK because somehow she's still attracted to be despite me not being attractive to her. I'd have stood there flabbergasted for a minute or two before clearly telling her to take a hike immediately after she'd said that to me.. But you clearly seem to not care, so good for you, I guess.
CptObvious Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 She's probably hot so don't throw her out. You'd be wasting perfectly good sugarwalls
Minka333 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Yeah it's rude to call someone ugly upfront. Some words should just be left unspoken. No matter how hot or gorgeous a person is, they should consider other people's feelings. Why step on another person's self-esteem? Why the need to rub salt on the wound? Why bring him down? It prolly coz' she is insensitive, immature and selfish. Not exactly gonna be the best relationship material..especially when you are starting something with this issue hangin' at the back of your head. I wouldn't be surprise if you guys end up and she'll attack you on other things as well like you're not earning enough..good enough..blah..blah
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 You shouldn't let her or any other woman talk to you like that, regardless of whether you think she likes you or not. She could also be testing, seeing how much of a pushover you are...personally I would have fired right back and see how she liked it, I'm not going to let a person act like their ***** doesn't stink and act like they're too good for men. Furthermore she's bringing you down to make herself feel better about herself, which tells me she has entitlement issues and probably think she's much more attractive than she actually is, secretly insecure. Don't let her talk to you like that, you either tell her if she doesn't like you she can take a hike and you don't appreciate her comments or give her a taste of her own medicine, or see the immaturity in her behavior and leave her on the premise of being disrespectful, because honestly if she feels ok calling someone ugly, then she feels ok about doing other things and if you say nothing about it, she'll just think it's something she can get away with.
BeyondtheClouds Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Does she find you sexy? Is physical affection easy between the two of you? I think my fiance is kind of funny looking too. But I can't keep my hands off him. that's more important.
Author Shinobi29 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Thanks for all the replies lads and ladies... Firstly, no, I don't throw money at her! And she's not shallow in any other way. I have to agree with the posters who say her actions speak louder than words. She definitely appears attracted to me and so since I genuinely like her maybe I should take the chance and continue dating her and disregard her comments. I'll have to have a chat with her about passing judgement on people's appearances and how it's not common in my culture. There's an innocence about the way she comments on people's appearances, as if it's completely normal in her country to make negative observations. I think now it's my job to sit her down and explain why it's not a pleasant thing to listen to. I'm absolutely certain she'll understand, feel a little embarrassed and will stop. If she doesn't, then that's symptomatic of something even bigger, an inability to be empathetic and sensitive with others. I'm meeting her this evening so I'll know then if things will progress beyond then.
Author Shinobi29 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Does she find you sexy? Is physical affection easy between the two of you? I think my fiance is kind of funny looking too. But I can't keep my hands off him. that's more important. Being called 'funny looking' would be cute and funny if you know for sure your partner is very attracted to you. I think I just need to see if that exists between me and her and if that level of comfort and trust could be established.
SayonaraItsuka Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If it's a hot Korean woman, then let it go. Koreans usually never date outside of Koreans. You're lucky, dude.
grkBoy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I don't get it...if she finds you so ugly, then why is she getting into a RL with you? Does it always have to be that the person finds the other physically attractive? Did Julia Roberts find Lyle Lovett physically attractive? She seemingly thinks you're ugly, but wants to be with you. What if you were gorgeous, but after an auto accident you have a distorted face, yet she loves you (despite not seeing you as physically beautiful). Would you still be angry? I think you should simply ask her why she wants to be with you if she finds you so ugly.
pteromom Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Is English her first language? If not, is it possible that "ugly" may mean something slightly different in her mind? It doesn't make sense to me that she is obviously attracted to you but calling you ugly.
verhrzn Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 At least she's honest. Would you prefer she lied and said she found you super attractive?
sabre80 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Definitely take English as first language into account. When I was stationed in South Korea I dated this Korean girl that used to say the most hilarious things. She came over one day and I was just sitting in my room watching TV. She sat there for a while then said "I'm boring. Make me funny." She eventually dumped me because I could not beat her in Starcraft.
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