What does she want?

[Pack it up]

A little background I guess, my girlfriend of 9 months (29) just broke up with me (24) three weeks ago. We had broken up before, once 4 months ago as she said she felt suffocated, got back two days later, and then she broke up with me 5 weeks ago and then 12 hours later said she didn't mean it.

 

I will admit in our relationship I did lean on us too much as I had a lot of stresses in my life. And it seemed she never really wanted to commit, we would talk talk the future (marriage, moving in, etc) but always seemed resistant to refer to me as her boyfriend, not introduce me to people, and said she felt trapped when we made plans.

 

We still love each other I know, but for a while it was me guessing when she wanted alone time, and her not going out when I had nothing to do because she though I would get upset (I wouldn't) or she felt guilty. I understand now going forward, with her or anyone else, this means I need to be ore active in my own social life and make myself less available.

 

Anyway, after breaking up this time, we have seen each other 8 times since, the first few days I was being bad and asking why and just trying to get my head around it, and ask to try since I loved her. When we broke up she kept saying, "Something is missing", "We can't talk or I'm afraid we'll get back together" "It as either break up now or get married."

 

Then I found out her grandmother got sick, so I asked if she wanted to walk to get coffee to talk about that (I really just wanted to be there for her and knew it didn't mean anything) but she said let's have dinner. And at dinner she a starting at me and holding my hand, and we eventually talked about us and had a lot of fun. As we left she said, "Don't worry you did everything perfect" and we left. The next few days she would message me and then wanted to eat dinner with me again and I lashed out asking what she was doing. So two days after that we had another talk where she said its hard for her to get over some of the fights we had and she "just isn't ready yet." Then I saw her that weekend in the library and she suggested we have brunch the next day. And then I cracked due to lack of sleep, being hurt, being confused, and I brunch I just wanted to know why she was jerking me around, and told her all the pain she's been causing.

 

A couple days later she came up to talk to me again, and when I wanted to ask her again what she wanted from me she got mad and was like "I don't know what else to say" "I know you believe in us but you're wasting your time". Later since I couldn't handle this I suggest we get drinks and told her "I don't want to fight with you again, and I know I can't be with you right now as I have things I need to work on, and whatever happens this was for the best." We kept talking and eventually she said, "You know if you found someone else, I would be hurt, but I would forgive you."

 

So I decided after that no contact was my best best, and of course two days later she sees me in the library and wants to know how I am, what I am doing this weekend, talking to me about the things I posted on Facebook, complaining about the wedding she was going to (that I had been on the invitation for).

 

I don't know what I expect posting all this, I know exactly who she is as a person, and for me, despite the pain now and in the past, my life was better with her in it. I guess part is just venting, but I do love her and she's told me she will always have feelings for me. I know being apart now is the best thing, but its hard, and I don't want to hurt her by telling her to go away.