Taking responsibility in a sexless marriage

[frozensprouts]

I believe that there is something to this.

 

But that only tells a small part of the story of women's sex drive. Emotional closeness plays a huge role after the initial bonding phase has passed.

 

the problem with the assumption in the OP is that it makes the assumption that a females libido exists almost in a vaccum, with only one influence... but if this were true, then no woman who wasn't interested in a relationship would ever want sex...

 

my own opinion is that at it's most basic and primitive level, sex is for procreation and the raising of offspring...you have sex to create a child, and continue to do so to bond as a pair and raise the child through to adult hood ( after all..what's the point of having children if none survive because you took off?)...

but human beings are complex creatures, and there is so much more that influences our behavior than simply primitive instincts...

[pcplod]

Robert

 

It is of no help to you whatsoever or any sort of consolation but you are exhibiting the reaction of a man who has been wronged, who has chosen an explanation for it and then gone looking for 'evidence' to support that stance. If it serves you well, all and good, but if it is not then any potential loss can only be yours.

 

There is a website elsewhere with a mutual support group, for want of a more suitable label for it, where there are over a hundred thousand or more 'people' who have associated themselves with the topic. Most aren't active contributors and are lurkers, probably for all sort of different reasons.

 

However, of those who do contribute I would subjectively say that it is about 50-50, male-female. Of course, it may be that women in that position are more ready to discuss the matter than their male counterparts, who knows?

 

Of those who do complain about their husbands/boyfriends most cite the same sort of behavioural traits as the men who attribute an aversion to sex to their wives/girlfriends.

 

By the way, taking a 'wee blue pill' for male loss of libido is not approved or recognised clinical treatment. Testosterone therapy might be, assuming the loss of libido is physiologically-based, rather than psychologically-based. Such drugs are vasodilators and as such are strictly to be prescribed as an ED treatment to countermand vascular problems, nothing more, unless it were to be prescribed as a placebo. However, in such circumstances therapy is usually the preferred treatment. If you don't want to have sex with your wife you aren't going to take the wee blue pill are you? And a number of women on the site I refer to describe how their husbands have obtained the pill but never taken them, until eventually they become date-expired or they end up throwing them out as they re-discover them as they clear their own belongings up as part of the separation process. Some women describe a pattern of behaviour from their husbands over decades of avoiding intimacy and sex even to the point where they have preferred to go through divorce rather than deal with it. Yes, I know, women will divorce sex-adverse husbands, even when everything else is satisfactory with the relationship. Shocking isn't it?

 

Sincere apologies for the tone of the lecture, but if you exhibit the apparent lack of awareness that you do of the potential nuances of male sexual behaviour then I am inevitably left wondering what you do or don't understand about the nuances of female sexual behaviour.

 

Not that I expect any of that would have any relevance or impact on the distressing experience you seem to have been through. It is just that it may pay off for you in the future to understand a bit more about human behaviour as it pertains to intimacy and sex as opposed to the simple sexual act itself. That is after all a pretty small portion of the time we spend alive, albeit important to us. It's the devil in the detail that does or doesn't lead up to it that is the problem.

 

PS. How we do or don't get on with other people, I freely admit is a complete minefield that maybe philosophically we are doomed to never really get an adequate grasp of. Such is life.

Edited November 5, 2012 by pcplod

[Mme. Chaucer]

So if person with a loss of drive would feel like a sex slave to give affection to the person who committed to them for life, then as a simple matter of decency, be honest, admit that the sex is probably over forever, and offer a fair way out.

 

I believe that some men, particularly those who have a similar "understanding" of sexuality as OP exhibits here, can really make a woman feel like a "thing" and, yes, a "sex slave" (without the fun parts) when having sex.

 

Obviously it serves you and some others well to simply call a married woman who has shut herself off from her husband sexually a manipulative liar if she doesn't simply tell him that she is not going to be servicing his needs any more. You won't hear this, but I'll say it anyway:

 

Sure, she might be simply a manipulative liar. But there are also many other possible, complicated things that might be at play. One of them is that the woman is not thinking consciously that her sex life with her husband is over. Maybe she is hoping that somehow, some way, she will feel sexual desire FOR HIM again.

 

I don't believe that many, if any, man who self-righteously expresses his view of sex as his "right" because he is married is offering very much in the way of keeping that part of a long relationship viable. That attitude often ultimately leads to a wife feeling like a receptacle. Which might be okay for a while, until finally it's not bearable anymore. It's gross.

 

But if she wants to keep the marriage in tact, and maybe she even loves her husband, she will privately be hoping for a re-blossoming of passion with him.

 

If a relationship is sexually dead, it's likely to be also dead romantically, intellectually, and even spiritually. Yes, there are some demonic women AND men who are 100% to blame for a marriage getting to that place, but usually it's a joint effort.

[pteromom]

An ongoing good sex life is probably unlikely for any couple where one of them is preoccupied with their "needs" and how the other one is responsible for meeting those. That does not leave much room for giving and receiving.

 

THIS is very true!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Regarding the "woman / sex / pair bonding" thing:

 

So what if women's sexuality (generally speaking - not all women are the same, obviously) is rooted in pair bonding and men's is not?

 

Does this mean that "male sexuality" somehow takes precedence over female sexuality in a marriage, especially? Just because he feels a "need" to f*** that is not experienced by his wife?

 

I don't think so.

 

It just means that both the husband and the wife need to be responsible for addressing and trying to meet the needs of their spouse, whether the needs appear to the other to be "important" or not. If the wife is not coming from a place of "sex DRIVE," this does not make her needs less important than the husband's. Maybe the husband behaved in a way that made the woman feel special and desired when he was in courtship mode, excited by the prospect of getting his sex needs met. And when that was accomplished, he dropped that stuff by the wayside.

 

That happens all the time. How is that even different, really, than a woman who feels sexual because she's in "pair bonding" mode and then doesn't feel that way anymore once she's bonded?

 

All it shows is that people, regardless of gender, are often very challenged about how to keep an intimate, "romantic," and sexy union going for years.

 

It's not a natural construct; it would take a lot of conscious work on the part of both married people to keep it nurtured.

 

It's also very delicate and could be easily, irreparable fractured by any number of forces.

[angie2443]

I believe that some men, particularly those who have a similar "understanding" of sexuality as OP exhibits here, can really make a woman feel like a "thing" and, yes, a "sex slave" (without the fun parts) when having sex.

.

 

I have a hard time believing that OP was at one time a very good husband/partner. Maybe he acted like one, but the attitude he presents in so many of his posts makes me feel that he treated his partner very poorly before the the sex went away. I think this is one reason why these posts fail to help the person who posted them. OP, IMO, probably played a major part in killing his ex's desire for him. However, since he probably objectified his ex almost from the beginning, he can't see the part he played in the destruction of their sex life and their marriage. After all, if she was an object, her needs could not have been as important as his and may never have been noticed by him, no matter how hard she tried to communicate them to him. When you're viewed as "less" by your partner, your love for them can die quickly, and with that, your desire for sex with your partner.

 

Just my two cents.

[Robert Z]

You all kill me. I treated her like a queen. But I'm the man so I must be at fault.

 

I also especially like how you completely ignore that I put up with a sexless marriage for over ten years. How much less objectified can one be?

 

What a bunch of hypocrites.

[Nyla]

I commend and pity any spouse who stays in a sexless marriage. No easy feat.

 

I always say that anyone who constantly refuses to be intimate with his/her spouse needs to be single.

 

No sex is for roommates, not married couples.

[Robert Z]

I commend and pity any spouse who stays in a sexless marriage. No easy feat.

 

Thank you. And I never cheated either. But does that matter here? Hell no. I'm the man so I'm at fault.

 

I always say that anyone who constantly refuses to be intimate with his/her spouse needs to be single.

 

No sex is for roommates, not married couples.

 

What's more, she lied about her "problems" for 25 years. I tolerated it out of love and she was taking advantage of that trust the entire time.

[giotto]

So if person with a loss of drive would feel like a sex slave to give affection to the person who committed to them for life, then as a simple matter of decency, be honest, admit that the sex is probably over forever, and offer a fair way out. Don't pretend that a sexless marriage was always supposed to be the deal. And don't take the other person to the cleaners financially for wanting a life. Simply admit that you can no longer honor your partner as a mate and move on.

 

My wife offered this to me... after 4 kids! Thank you very much. I'm not going anywhere! But I've always reiterated that honesty should be n.1 in marriage. My wife was honest, but a little too late.

[angie2443]

You all kill me. I treated her like a queen. But I'm the man so I must be at fault.

 

I also especially like how you completely ignore that I put up with a sexless marriage for over ten years. How much less objectified can one be?

 

What a bunch of hypocrites.

 

Unbelievable, IMO. Having seen some of your other posts on these boards, It's hard for me to imagine you treated your wife like a human. You've made some very offensive generalizations, IMO, to middle aged women and above. Maybe you treated your wife like a goddess when she was very, very young, but I can't believe you treated her decently for the majority of your marriage. People in a relationship need to be responsible for many things to make the relationship good, not just sex. It's easy to say that your ex was a cold, frigid woman who never gave you her body after some years into the marriage. It's a lot harder to admit that you may have played a major role in killing her love/desire for you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You all kill me. I treated her like a queen. But I'm the man so I must be at fault.

 

Truly, it has nothing to do with the organization of your chromosomes.

 

I don't have ANY axe to grind with men. I think it's easy for a guy who feels like he's not getting supported (agreed with, in this case) here on LoveShack to jump on the "blighted fellow" bandwagon, but it's not the case.

 

If you wanted to go back and re-read your posts, you would probably not be able to avoid noticing a pattern of really negative language about women (middle aged ones especially) and a LOT of wholesale blaming.

 

Speaking just for myself, but when I encounter a situation on these boards where an entire failure is put on the shoulders of the other person, who has no voice here, I find it almost impossible to buy. It's just as often a woman as a man who posts such things. Though I must say that the "it's all my fault because I'm a man, nobody respects and honors a man's special needs" kind of whining stance is … well, the realm of men. Women who blame their husband / boyfriend for everything usually are at least able to sort themselves and their spouses out from the masses.

 

A marriage takes two to succeed or fail. I have NEVER encountered one where one spouse was "perfect" and the other one completely at fault.

[Els]

The most ironic part of this thread is that it is titled 'Taking responsibility for a sexless marriage', whereas the OP seems to be doing everything but.

[Nyla]

Thank you. And I never cheated either. But does that matter here? Hell no. I'm the man so I'm at fault.

 

 

 

What's more, she lied about her "problems" for 25 years. I tolerated it out of love and she was taking advantage of that trust the entire time.

 

*shakes head sadly*

 

Well, I am a female and I think the same way as you about this issue. Let the angry mob here burn me with angry posts. We are all entitled to our opinions, even unpopular ones.

 

So many men would have not have spent 25 years with a liar who won't have sex. If a man was doing the same to a woman and he posted about it here, he would be crucified online. I have seen this on many message boards-if a man is not receiving sex from his wife, it is his fault. If a woman refuses to have sex, her husband is a pig. How sexist!

 

One of the reasons my husband and I have a happy marriage is our agreement on the importance of sex. We agree that barring physical ailments, there is NO REASON WHY A MARRIED COUPLE SHOULD NOT BE MAKING LOVE. I do not even withhold when I am angry. Since I am his wife, I am the one who should be enjoying frequent sex with him. End of story.

Edited November 6, 2012 by Nyla