grkBoy Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Never make someone a priority when they only see you as an option. 2
ThaWholigan Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I agree that attributing the rapidly rising marriage age to multidating is a stretch! Still, I think that contemporary courting patters -- of the last 40 years, and now including online dating -- must be a part of the story. I just can't see that multidating is all that great -- looking back a long time ago, it seems to me that it led to chaos then, and probably does now. Where it might work is when it's so casual that it maybe shouldn't even be called dating at all. That may be one of the problems of online dating -- aside from being so cold and calculating, the emphasis right from the start is on pursuing a romantic or erotic relationship -- whereas in real life, the beginning stages of those things can be very subtle, so that a lot of the problems are avoided. I think multidating works for some and not for others.
Hawaii50 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Disclosing who i spend my time with on a first-date is none of their business. I don't consider "dating" such a huge thing. If I share a meal with a woman, is that a date?! If I buy her coffee and we smoke a couple cigs, is that a date?! If I went out for drinks among a groups of friends, and went home with some random, did i sleep with her on the first date?! I guess the term is just turning me off. Even if she's bangin' other guys, which doesn't sit perfectly with me, it's up to me to be the wiser for ME. I know when I'm getting taken advantage of, sometimes, I like it 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Unfortunately, "multidating" seems to be much more common with the onset of online dating. Whether it's done honestly or not. That doesn't mean it's a good thing. I might have a different attitude if either American romantic life looked like it was in good shape or improving; or if online dating looked like a big success to me. Neither looks that way to me. For the record, I don't do online dating, never have done, never will.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I say do what you like, as long as you're honest about what you're doing. I tried multi-dating very briefly, and found immediately that it's not for me. I don't even feel right with more than one man at a time calling me a pet name like sweetie. And I wouldn't feel good about dating a guy who was dating other people at the same time. It would be a deal-breaker for me. I date one man, give things with him a fair chance, then make a decision to stick with him or not.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 If I can find someone I'm really interested in -- a big if -- I'd rather spend both those times with that person, than divide it between two people, both of whom are unlikely to interest me greatly, as well as dividing my attention, interest, and trust. Sure -- but until you have such knowledge that he's interesting and that he's interested in more than ONS/FWB, you are really not doing yourself any good by putting all your eggs in one basket and getting so pre-occupied with one person. At the very least, keep an open mind about other possibilities, if they come along. If someone wants to get to know you while you are in the early stages of dating someone, will you turn down their offer of a date? I wouldn't. Its not cheating to entertain other options, as long as you have not established exlusivity. You are not lying to that person, or doing anything behind their back per se. It's just that, at that point, it's none of their business what you are doing in your life.... Have always been that way -- I remember a situation long ago, where I was hanging out with a bunch of women, one of which had become a friend the year before, call her R. I was pretty interested in one of the women, call her K, but had a feeling she really wasn't to be trusted -- too opportunistic, cynical, etc. Well, one day R told me "you'd better get more aggressive with K, she was making out last night with one of her other guy pals." (R and K lived together.) Well, it wasn't a problem at all, because I instantly lost interest in K.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 How would you feel if you where into a guy and been out on 6 dates, and then found out he's been on 4 dates with Jen, and 8 dates with Amy and 4 dates with Heather while he was dating you? I'm betting you wouldn't be to thrilled! Eh, it's none of my business! Why shouldn't he keep his options open? It's not like men have never done this or don't ever do this. They all do, actually. They probably collect a bunch of numbers in one go, and then try them all out, all in the same time frame. If it's ok for men to act this way, and then turn me down, it's also ok for women to act this way, and turn men down because they found someone who they think is better. Why should women sacrifice their time, when guys are out multi-dating ?
NoMoreJerks Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Never make someone a priority when they only see you as an option. I guess that disqualifies 99.9% of men as potential dates / priority!
dasein Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Disclosing who i spend my time with on a first-date is none of their business. I don't consider "dating" such a huge thing. If I share a meal with a woman, is that a date?! If I buy her coffee and we smoke a couple cigs, is that a date?! If I went out for drinks among a groups of friends, and went home with some random, did i sleep with her on the first date?! I guess the term is just turning me off. Even if she's bangin' other guys, which doesn't sit perfectly with me, it's up to me to be the wiser for ME. I know when I'm getting taken advantage of, sometimes, I like it Yeah, today it's up to the person who expects some kind of semi exclusivity from date one to bring it up, not everyone else to cater to their minority view by making an unnecessary disclosure. Many people would take it as weird today if a person went out of their way to tell that they may date or are dating other people. That's a third date or beyond topic, if then. Early dates are to have fun, get to know and -start- to see if there's a future, not to begin laying out the boundaries of a relationship to a stranger.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Disclosing who i spend my time with on a first-date is none of their business. Or a second date or a third date or x number of dates, until such time as you are not in an exclusive relationship!
pteromom Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 What do you do? Do you put all your eggs in one basket and focus on the one you like the most? Or do you "plant the seeds" = focus on both of them and see which one works out better? I would continue dating both of them and would move forward VERY slowly until it was obvious that one of them was a better fit for me than the other.
Lonely Ronin Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Eh, it's none of my business! Why shouldn't he keep his options open? It's not like men have never done this or don't ever do this. They all do, actually. They probably collect a bunch of numbers in one go, and then try them all out, all in the same time frame. If it's ok for men to act this way, and then turn me down, it's also ok for women to act this way, and turn men down because they found someone who they think is better. Why should women sacrifice their time, when guys are out multi-dating ? Men don't do that, players do. Stop insulting me just because I'm male. Most guys do exactly what Ruby Slippers said, they date one person at a time.
zebracolors Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Never make someone a priority when they only see you as an option. See, I actually have always tried to advocate this, and I feel this works both ways. So maybe I should clarify my post. You can't know right off if one of them is going to be someone you will want to get exclusive with, if he/she will be the one you want to make your priority. So, maybe there are shades of gray, determined by the situation and people involved as to if multiple dating is in fact just keeping some of them as an "option" But maybe its ok in the initial stages where you are just getting to know them? However personally I feel like if it should get to the point where the desire to share such an intimate act as a kiss happens, then at that point, would stop exploring options. Though that is just what I feel about kissing, but how significant would others see it?
mysteryscape Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Again, I'll go with my experience long ago. Call it weird or whatever you like -- just leave me out of the plan -- because I don't join. Again, if I saw any evidence that relations between the sexes are improving, I'd re-evaluate. But I don't see any such evidence, I just see growing suspicion -- as evidenced by the rapidly increasing age of first marriage, which may soon hit 30 -- and just the general mess I see around me, especially talking with younger people.
mysteryscape Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 to you, kissing might seem like such an intimate activity that you'd draw the line there when "multidating." But plenty of people will tell you that "a kiss is just a kiss" and there's nothing wrong with kissing multiple people, or making out with multiple people, and on and on. Most people will draw the line at "sex" meaning sexual intercourse, but anything else gets under that line, including often hand jobs, blow jobs, oral sex of all kinds, etc. So you may have your standard, but the problem is in this world where there are no longer any commonly accepted standards, you can never know whether any given person you are dealing with is following the same standard as yourself. My experience, for what it's worth, on both the giving and receiving end, is that "multidating" beyond the most casual socializing can very quickly lead to trouble, hurt, and bruised feelings. At least when I was in college, a long time ago, we basically hung out in packs, so there was plenty of opportunity to get to know people on a casual basis without any overt romantic interest. So if you actually got to the point of having a "date" with someone, it was understood as being kind of "serious." That was loosening up even then -- because people became so much more casual about sex, basically -- but it worked pretty well. Except when people started going multi -- then there was trouble pretty fast.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Men don't do that, players do. Stop insulting me just because I'm male. Most guys do exactly what Ruby Slippers said, they date one person at a time. I think people who want a relationship rather than dating just for fun tend to date one person at a time. My boyfriend and I went on our first date and haven't been on dates with anybody else since then. We talked briefly about our views on this early on, but didn't ask any specific questions for a while. Eventually, he asked me if I was dating anyone else, and I said no, I hadn't since our first date. I asked him if he was, and he said "of course not." He's never multi-dated. I only did it once, to see what it was like. Looking back, I think I just got pulled in to what was trendy. It didn't fit my personality or values at all. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Again, if I saw any evidence that relations between the sexes are improving, I'd re-evaluate. But I don't see any such evidence, I just see growing suspicion... If you want relations between the sexes to improve, you've got to be part of that and improve your own relations with the opposite sex. As long as I was expecting most men to be sorry losers, they were. My mentality was sorry and loser-ish, so that's what I attracted. Once I started looking for good guys again, I found them. 1
mysteryscape Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 think you're right on both counts. Relationship-seekers tend to single date. I never dated except in search of a relationship -- unless you consider casual hanging out to be dating. I guess I did that, but didn't think of it as "dating." Oh, if I did any sordid stuff, like sleeping with someone who was sleeping with two other people lol! Call it whatever you like. if multidating is in fact trendy, I think it's too bad -- the OLD business -- which is a business with a lot of money at stake, don't forget -- has contributed a lot to making it trendy. The business of OLD of course is to get people to have lots of dates, and to keep that going -- you see so many people who've been doing it for 2 years, 5 years, even more. I also think you're right about attracting a certain kind of people. That's why I think if someone is attracting jerks all the time, it probably indicates they are doing something, probably unawares, to make that happen. 1
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