ThatDudeXO Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Let's say you're single and prefer to be in a committed relationship. Now you have a couple of girls/guys that interest you, who have shown interest in you but you don't know how into you they are. What do you do? Do you put all your eggs in one basket and focus on the one you like the most? Or do you "plant the seeds" = focus on both of them and see which one works out better? Last thing you wanna do is to be left all alone....what do you do? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Explore your options, just be honest with them. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 You are alone, except for those who voluntarily choose to be with you, and that process is completely outside of your control. If you're a WOVO, then go with that; if a WMVM, then that. One or many, go with your own style because is suits *you*. The results will be what they are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 You are alone, except for those who voluntarily choose to be with you, and that process is completely outside of your control. If you're a WOVO, then go with that; if a WMVM, then that. One or many, go with your own style because is suits *you*. The results will be what they are. Agree, man. Relationships are 100/100, not 50/50 (as some may think). If someone really wants to be with you, they will choose to make it clear. If I were in the position of the person above, I would just take it slow. From my past experience, you really cannot rush relationships as that will certainly turn someone away from you. Cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zebracolors Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Hi CaliGuy Another familiar face after my hiatus from LS:D Staying on topic, I confess to being in somewhat a similar situation currently. Im no longer in my LDR, but instead just meeting people now, and making friends. And I know now the importance of not rushing headlong into anything. Its definitely a good idea to really consider what you want out of a r-ship. and be patient, and in time you'll figure out who you are more compatible with, or why one of them isn't a good match. Because if you're looking to be in a committed r-ship, you can't make a hasty decision. Link to post Share on other sites
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 The smart thing to do would be to explore all options. But when I really like a guy, I pretty much stop noticing anyone else. I would keep interacting with everyone, but the others would get far less attention from me. I disagree that the last thing I want is to be left alone. If I plant the seeds, it's because I'm thinking that I may start liking the other guys with time. I wouldn't date someone I didn't like very much just for the sake of dating. I'd be alone before that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I used to be the type who put her eggs in one basket. I am now trying to explore my options and maybe even go on dates with multiple men in one week or so. It's only fair, especially given that the men I've come across / dated / had relationship with have turned out to be douchebags who were only interested in sex, not commitment. I can't afford to waste time, and this saves me time. Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so, though I am sure some will say it makes me a "player" or a "slut". But oh well, can't be bothered with people who make that insinuation and yet absolve men of all blame for the way I am now behaving. Fool me once, shame on you -- fool me twice shame on me! Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 NoMore, you are responsible for your own behavior -- blaming men for becoming a player yourself doesn't make any sense. I could just as well blame bad experience with women for the behavior of the male jerks. Instead of becoming what you despise -- I guess having 5 jerks in your life instead of 1 -- why not try to figure out why you are attracting jerks, and what you can do to stop attracting them or weed them out? Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 You haven't really listed the options correctly. You could try playing them both, and still be left with neither. When they find out what you're doing, they both might make a quick exit. Or for that matter, they might both play you the same way, and drop you when they decide someone else is better. You could be honest with both of them or not. Either way, you are taking a risk. Why not decide which one, if either, you like well enough and see where it goes? And if it goes nowhere, try the other. And so on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely Ronin Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I used to be the type who put her eggs in one basket. I am now trying to explore my options and maybe even go on dates with multiple men in one week or so. It's only fair, especially given that the men I've come across / dated / had relationship with have turned out to be douchebags who were only interested in sex, not commitment. I can't afford to waste time, and this saves me time. Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so, though I am sure some will say it makes me a "player" or a "slut". But oh well, can't be bothered with people who make that insinuation and yet absolve men of all blame for the way I am now behaving. Fool me once, shame on you -- fool me twice shame on me! No whats going to happen, is your going to come across a normal guy who doesn't do this, and then he is going to find out you did, and he will break up with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 No whats going to happen, is your going to come across a normal guy who doesn't do this, and then he is going to find out you did, and he will break up with you. Is it really that bad? I assume she's saying that she'd go out with multiple men during the same time period, providing that they haven't established exclusivity. Obviously it would be better if she were honest and told them so, but I thought it was a common thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 No whats going to happen, is your going to come across a normal guy who doesn't do this, and then he is going to find out you did, and he will break up with you. I didn't say I will have a relationship with 2 men at the same time. That's cheating. But why should I destroy my options when there is no commitment yet? If I do find a normal guy, I will drop the others and focus on him. But until I find out that he is normal, I intend to keep my options open. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 No whats going to happen, is your going to come across a normal guy who doesn't do this, and then he is going to find out you did, and he will break up with you. Why should I put my life on hold for some guy who hasn't committed yet, and who I am not even sure will commit? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) NoMore, you are responsible for your own behavior -- blaming men for becoming a player yourself doesn't make any sense. I could just as well blame bad experience with women for the behavior of the male jerks. Instead of becoming what you despise -- I guess having 5 jerks in your life instead of 1 -- why not try to figure out why you are attracting jerks, and what you can do to stop attracting them or weed them out? I am not a player -- a player is someone who PLAYS with multiple people, all the while making them think that he's interested in more than just sex with them. I am not doing that, nor do I intend to do that. I am interested in finding a man who genuinely wants a relationship, and I am interested in commitment. I just intend to keep my options open and not let any one man waste my time and stop me from meeting other men who MIGHT be interested in commitment. That is all. My ex wasted a lot of my time. Some men will jump through flaming hoops just to get laid. They are willing to keep up the charade long enough to get you in bed, even if it takes 10 dates. If men these days are so intent on wasting my time and trying to trick me, I am intent on circumventing that. Not blaming men for anything, just pointing out that the reason I would not put my eggs in one basket is that I know what the end result will likely be. Why try the same thing over and over again, and expect a different result? There is no reason why I am "attracting" jerks. I am an average-looking girl who doesn't wear slutty clothing, etc., doesn't flirt excessively, etc. I do just about everything in moderation. Edited October 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 but stringing along a bunch of guys IS playing them, if not sexually then emotionally (which actually can be 10 times worse). Unless you are totally honest with each of them and tell them at the outset that you're dating other guys and intend to continue doing so. Odds are good that if you do this, a lot of the guys of the kind you want to attract are going to drop you fast. You say that some players are willing to play you along for 10 dates. Well, I don't see how having, say, 5 of these on the line is going to make your life any better. If it takes more than 10 dates to weed them out, you are going to be wasting a lot of time and energy and just end up having more trouble, not less. And again, the good guys are probably not going to put up with you that long. Attracting jerks involves more than "having average looks and not dressing slutty." Not all guys are jerks by any means. If that's all you're attracting, then there's something going on with you, and you owe it to yourself to try to figure it out and change it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Early dating is dealing with strangers. Would you give your wallet to a stranger to hold until you knew more about them? OTOH would you put much stock in a guy you just met as turning into a best friend? Apply the same to dealing with women. Keep all viable options open as long as possible, and always be cultivating more until she is asking you for exclusivity and you are sure you are both on the same page. On the flip side, people appreciate more what they earn as opposed to what they are given. Don't give away the store too fast, and you will find the quality women in your life appreciate and respond to that kind of discernment in the long run. The nuts will self-implode due to insecurity, but that's the desired result, to screen those out. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Unfortunately, "multidating" seems to be much more common with the onset of online dating. Whether it's done honestly or not. That doesn't mean it's a good thing. I might have a different attitude if either American romantic life looked like it was in good shape or improving; or if online dating looked like a big success to me. Neither looks that way to me. Link to post Share on other sites
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Unfortunately, "multidating" seems to be much more common with the onset of online dating. Whether it's done honestly or not. That doesn't mean it's a good thing. I might have a different attitude if either American romantic life looked like it was in good shape or improving; or if online dating looked like a big success to me. Neither looks that way to me. I don't see how it can be harmful, especially when the person is upfront. You're just increasing your odds of finding someone you connect with by using your time efficiently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 sounds like an awfully romantic criterion, doesn't it? Efficiency comes to romance, maybe it will soon be offshored like so much else .... But I'm not so sure it's so efficient. The typical age of first marriage, especially for women, is increasing dramatically in the United States. A quarter of women aged in their early 30's have never been married. No wonder there's so much panic over biological clocks. Anyhow, I don't see how the dating process itself is more efficient. Let's say I have time, energy, and patience for two dates a week, which is a stretch. If I can find someone I'm really interested in -- a big if -- I'd rather spend both those times with that person, than divide it between two people, both of whom are unlikely to interest me greatly, as well as dividing my attention, interest, and trust. Have always been that way -- I remember a situation long ago, where I was hanging out with a bunch of women, one of which had become a friend the year before, call her R. I was pretty interested in one of the women, call her K, but had a feeling she really wasn't to be trusted -- too opportunistic, cynical, etc. Well, one day R told me "you'd better get more aggressive with K, she was making out last night with one of her other guy pals." (R and K lived together.) Well, it wasn't a problem at all, because I instantly lost interest in K. Link to post Share on other sites
40 Fonzarelli Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Definitely date multiple people. I find that I am less needy when i am seeing more than one person. And when one person loses interest, I am not as upset. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Let's say you're single and prefer to be in a committed relationship. Now you have a couple of girls/guys that interest you, who have shown interest in you but you don't know how into you they are. What do you do? Do you put all your eggs in one basket and focus on the one you like the most? Or do you "plant the seeds" = focus on both of them and see which one works out better? Last thing you wanna do is to be left all alone....what do you do? I know that put all your eggs one basket ...i dont think it should be used when dating.......relationships arent eggs...guys are not eggs....they dont need to be shared around...i believe in taking things slow........but not with one or two or three guys.........taking it slow means concentrating on one basket.....not a dozen eggs within........and pelting them out when you feel like it nah not good enough shells too thin or nah doesnt feel heavy enough must be off.....throw it at a wall.......i think you should appreciate one egg....lol....im stopping......guys arent eggs........they dont get sold by the dozen ......which i thank god for....i could never share myself around like an omelette......i cant even eat eggs......groan this is getting worse.....good luck with the egg analogy i give up...guys arent eggs......women are not omelettes in my opinion.......good luck happy egg lifting.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xdahliax Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 sounds like an awfully romantic criterion, doesn't it? Efficiency comes to romance, maybe it will soon be offshored like so much else .... But I'm not so sure it's so efficient. The typical age of first marriage, especially for women, is increasing dramatically in the United States. A quarter of women aged in their early 30's have never been married. No wonder there's so much panic over biological clocks. Anyhow, I don't see how the dating process itself is more efficient. Let's say I have time, energy, and patience for two dates a week, which is a stretch. If I can find someone I'm really interested in -- a big if -- I'd rather spend both those times with that person, than divide it between two people, both of whom are unlikely to interest me greatly, as well as dividing my attention, interest, and trust. Have always been that way -- I remember a situation long ago, where I was hanging out with a bunch of women, one of which had become a friend the year before, call her R. I was pretty interested in one of the women, call her K, but had a feeling she really wasn't to be trusted -- too opportunistic, cynical, etc. Well, one day R told me "you'd better get more aggressive with K, she was making out last night with one of her other guy pals." (R and K lived together.) Well, it wasn't a problem at all, because I instantly lost interest in K. It's like if you invest in one stock rather than diversify your portfolio, you could gain tremendously but you could also lose everything. Of course, there's a point where people who multidate will decide that they are really into one person in particular, but it can take time to reach that point. At the end of the day, it's a preference. It's not right to blame a higher rate of marriage on this trend, because there are a lot of other factors influencing it. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I am not a player -- a player is someone who PLAYS with multiple people, all the while making them think that he's interested in more than just sex with them. I am not doing that, nor do I intend to do that. I am interested in finding a man who genuinely wants a relationship, and I am interested in commitment. I just intend to keep my options open and not let any one man waste my time and stop me from meeting other men who MIGHT be interested in commitment. That is all. My ex wasted a lot of my time. Some men will jump through flaming hoops just to get laid. They are willing to keep up the charade long enough to get you in bed, even if it takes 10 dates. If men these days are so intent on wasting my time and trying to trick me, I am intent on circumventing that. Not blaming men for anything, just pointing out that the reason I would not put my eggs in one basket is that I know what the end result will likely be. Why try the same thing over and over again, and expect a different result? There is no reason why I am "attracting" jerks. I am an average-looking girl who doesn't wear slutty clothing, etc., doesn't flirt excessively, etc. I do just about everything in moderation. I see your point about jerks and know it to be true they do say anything to get laid( i can normally pick them.) especially since i dont drink anymore and actually care about who i am with and sometimes true colors dont come out for months....that doesnt change if you date more just disillusions you more and confuses you with who you think is a better match or you start to compare..turns into a competition.......i do only date one at a time because then i see one person i see them for all their flaws and i accept them and get to know them without others encroaching on me......i would rather be alone for a while between guys than have guys waiting in the wings or should i say basket.......building up a resentment for being kept twaiting...that happens too and then they see you as a challenge which makes them basically lie to get to you......dating exclusively lets a guy see that i am not interested in just the relationship but just him.I honestly dotn feel a good guy would feel good about sharing as i wouldnt feel good or being an option that could be discarded......and i hate fights between guys.....cant deal with it i jump in the middle i am the oen who gets hurt.......so to save hurt from all sides........i dont double dip.....its gross anyway...one dip per chip..not a three egg grappling omelette.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely Ronin Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Is it really that bad? I assume she's saying that she'd go out with multiple men during the same time period, providing that they haven't established exclusivity. Obviously it would be better if she were honest and told them so, but I thought it was a common thing to do. It needs to be first date up-front. And it needs to crystal clear, like "I'm going out with other guys than just you". She also needs to be prepared for a lot of the guys to just vanish. I didn't say I will have a relationship with 2 men at the same time. That's cheating. But why should I destroy my options when there is no commitment yet? If I do find a normal guy, I will drop the others and focus on him. But until I find out that he is normal, I intend to keep my options open. Why should I put my life on hold for some guy who hasn't committed yet, and who I am not even sure will commit? How would you feel if you where into a guy and been out on 6 dates, and then found out he's been on 4 dates with Jen, and 8 dates with Amy and 4 dates with Heather while he was dating you? I'm betting you wouldn't be to thrilled! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 I agree that attributing the rapidly rising marriage age to multidating is a stretch! Still, I think that contemporary courting patters -- of the last 40 years, and now including online dating -- must be a part of the story. I just can't see that multidating is all that great -- looking back a long time ago, it seems to me that it led to chaos then, and probably does now. Where it might work is when it's so casual that it maybe shouldn't even be called dating at all. That may be one of the problems of online dating -- aside from being so cold and calculating, the emphasis right from the start is on pursuing a romantic or erotic relationship -- whereas in real life, the beginning stages of those things can be very subtle, so that a lot of the problems are avoided. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts