1earthymum Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I am new to forums, found this site via a google search for divorce/separation. This is my first post and it is a biggie. I have been with my husband for 11.5 yrs married for 5.5yrs 2 kids age 10 and 4. We live together but don't talk much outside kids topics. I try but he doesn't care and says so. He only wants to sleep and watch tv when he is home. But when the kids have a game he acts like the world's greatest Daddy. WTHECK? He says he loves me but acts like he hates me. Example: won't go anywhere I want to go, hates going out on dates or being alone with me. Only wants me to go with him to do something with the kids Example: out to eat, shopping, carnivals, parks....Its like I am a place card (MUM) with no emotions or feelings or interests. I am a cook and maid (and not good at either so he says) MUM. I want to have sex more than 3 times a year. He'd rather masterbate and hide it or lie about it to me. He has hid a relationship with his ex on and off throughout our entire relationship even though they were only together for 7 months! She is now friends with his mother (who isn't fond of me). This is another stressor. I have stayed with him through his alcoholism, porn addiction, job losses. Though he has supported NOTHING for me except through his paycheck. It is hard to try and find the good things in him anymore, I try everyday to focus on his goodness so that the kids will know his good side. Life is hard for me as he is hypercritical of me and just mean to me at times. Our children are suffering in so many ways. I am growing weaker with each dirty look or act of neglect/avoidance from him. He is now using the kids to hurt me by offering them icecream after I have said its time for bed, and allowing them to get wound up again. The kids are turning into brats because everytime I say no he says yes. It's like he undermines me just to prove a point or something. When I am trying to just keep some peace to save my health and keep chill for the kids. My thinking is... Do I leave him and the children? And pray everyday that maybe he will man up stop spoiling the kids as much. I mean it is hard to always be the good guy when there is no one else to 'play' the bad guy, right! And since I am no longer there he can't use them against me. Which is killing me! The eldest is starting to see that what his is doing is not right, but is still too young not to be tempeted by staying up late, treats, and toys. I am hurt and I feel stupid for staying this long when his actions prove he effing hates me. He says if I leave him that he will not talk to me (I would like a healthy co-parent relationship -but he is showing me that this is not possible). He says he will leave me in this stupid rental house we are in and will not have anything to do with me if I file for divorce. So, its like I am screwed anyway I go!!! But if I can atleast save the kids then I will do whatever I have to do to save them from being used against me and seeing me in such dispare. If I leave him and take the kids with me he will make our lives a living hell. (He did so when I left him before when I just had my eldest. In fact I married him mostly because he had to move 1000 miles away for a new job and it was hard on our child not being near him and he promised he would change, and we were living in poverty.) If I stay married and learn to live like a silent celibate nun then the kids will have a nice home in a safe neighborhood soon and have both parents (which I think is his goal). But I don't think I can live happily alone and married, I haven't this far. I crave a partner and a lover who likes atleast some of the same things as me. But mostly someone who really likes and loves me. I ran a 1/2 marathon and he wouldn't even bring the kids to support me at the finish. I want to make someone proud and I want someone to be proud of! I will never have this with him. I told his skank ex that she could have him but he won't leave me for her. He told her that he would take her back anytime no matter where they were in their lives (per the skank & he said yes he told her that but not now). He just likes the every few years they hook up or talk BS. I think he is afraid to be the bad guy by leaving and thinks its ok to just to stay for the kids. Please help I am in actual pain over this situation, I am crying so much because it hurts living like this everyday. I just know that others have had something like this happen and made it out ok or made some changes and made the situation tolerable.
standtall Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Hey earthy...welcome to LS. Wow, I feel for you...you have a lot of issues in your marriage.To start, have you tried to have a site down talk with the husband about any 1 of these topics...as in 1 topic only, or do you lay it all on him at once? If you hit with it all at once, then he is probably going to get pretty defensive. Also, I notice you didn't mention any counseling..there are many good couples counselors out there. Also, where did you get married at? 1
Cb3657 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Wow, sounds horrible, he cheats and treats you horribly, not sure what to say on this, sounds like both of you need some conselling, him for "all that" and you for self esteem, letting him hook up with a old GF,never mind all the other noise, says he does not respect you and you don't think much of yourself. I like families to stay toghther when possible but I will say if you are going to leave do so soon. I have seen several kids go very bad when parents breakup in their teen years. If they are young enough they can overcome it easier. 1
Author 1earthymum Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 StandTall: I have just talked about 1 issue at a time over the years. I am delt with by being called names (bit**) and having him tell me to leave him alone& STFU. Yesterday, I lost it probably & overwhelmed him with the "something needs to be done or I can't be here anymore". A year ago we went to Retroville but he didn't do the homework. And we only made it to 2 of the post sessions. We went to marriage counseling but after 2.5 hrs she said I would love to help you but I can't until he goes to get help with his acohol addictions. He went to the VA and did a 12 week program but he really didn't follow the program and he said He will not go to marriage counseling again. I have a doctor that I see to help me maintain. We are discussing me leaving but because of the complexity of his history and addictions and my fragile state it is hard. Which is why I am considering leaving him and the children. We were married in my Church LDS-Mormon he is a non-member and said it was OK with him but soon after we were married it was a huge issue! He lied to my Bishop to get him to marry us in the Church (not the Temple). Then made it hard for me to attend. He would not help get the kids ready or slow them down while I was trying to. I would come home to him recording porn or hiding it when I came home from church so I felt as if I had to BBsit him even though I didn't. I even went to his church and said if went went regularly that I would raise our children Catholic but I gave up after 2 yrs and he wouldn't go and returned to our church. The church may not support our divorce since they are so profamily. They do not want children raised without a mother and father. So, what I am considering may even get me kicked out of the LDS Church.
Author 1earthymum Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 CB3657: I didn't allow him to hook up with her I just keep finding messages or clues to WTHeck is really going on. Everytime he says it's (the emotional affair?) over and he has never slept with her since we have been together...I find another clue. I feel like his mother has something to do with it since he was at her house when he called he last. Like she is covering his trail. I do love myself but I feel trapped by my situation. No money no skills to get a decent job and I homeschool the children. And I am faced with having him rip my heart out weekly while he plays with our children to punish me. If I leave I have no way to care for these children like I feel they need. If I had some land and a little money I could homestead only skills I have. But I will still have to deal with him playing head games during pick up drop off and scheduling. If I leave them both I will leaving my children with someone that I really do not like anymore. I told the OW that she could have him since it would be great for her to take him off my hands! I really do know my worth and want a man who will charish and adore me and that I can love and adore fully. I know it seems like I am some poor battered wife I am not anymore. Yes it still hurts and no I didn't sleep last night but who could with this descision that is weighing on me. I was a victim for the first 10 years but with a few friends and a lot of therapy I have grown quite capable. I am seeking advice for this terrible situation where there is no easy way out and spearing my LO's a life of misery.
Author 1earthymum Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 OK getting ducks in a row. It has gone on long enough. And history has proved that the kids are not his priority. It is just so hard to look in their eyes and see the pain. I want to help them but it isn't that easy. I forget easily with all the constant drama. I will make a plan with my doctor. He will help me to stick to it. And I will start seeing him once a week vs. Every 3 weeks. It seems harder to let go of my ideas on a amicable divorce. Vs letting him go. Thanks for helping back to reality and any further advice is kindly welcome as I am just getting started on ending it.
pteromom Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 You feel the kids aren't his priority, and he has issues with alcohol. Yet, you want to LEAVE the children with him? PLEASE don't do that. Leave, take the children with you, and fight for as much custody as you can get. It will be hard. It will be painful. But at the end, you will be happier without this guy in your life. Protecting the children and being a good mother to them has to be a top priority through this.
Recommended Posts