longbow39 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Hi Everyone. I am new here. I am just looking for an outlet and maybe some advice. I apologize upfront for the length of what I am writing. So here it is. I am a 39 year old father of two beautiful girls. Happily divorced for about 5 years. Currently I am on deployment and won't be home for about 6 months. I met my ex girlfriend about 2 years and a few months ago. When I first started dating her I wanted to take things slow. I had been in another relationship after my ex wife and wanted to make sure I was with the right person. My heart was definitely closely guarded. At first, I wasn't sure where my ex girlfriend and I were going. She lived in Baltimore and I in Denver. I also told her any relationship I got involved in, I wanted to go slow. After a couple of months of long distance of seeing each other maybe once or twice during those months, she lost her job. I had some connections so I asked some people about hiring her. She took a job in a city that was about an hour away. She decided to live close to me though, which made me nervous since I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. We basically started living together over the next year and a half. We had a wonderful time. We did everything together and we were best friends. We were not regular drinkers but during this period, we got into 3 or 4 arguments and those normally involved alcohol. Honestly, she went bonkers those 3 or 4 times (she admitted it). She would just fly into a rage and go crazy. I had no idea what was wrong. It seriously bothered me and caused me to be setback on how I felt each time. I would normally tell her I couldn't handle this but I would forgive her and she would beg me to stay with her. Of course I did because I believe in chances and believe that people can change. It did happen again on New Year's Eve 2011-2012. Again, she apologized and said it was because she just needed love from me. The only problem was this started about a month into our relationship and it was hard for me to believe that was the issue. She also flew off against another couple's wife once when we were all playing pool together so I suspected jealousy issues. Again, all I did was try to assuage her fears and I forgave her. We weren't the most emotional couple. I looked at her lovingly but was always scared to tell her because of those issues. I didn't want to over commit. But I did love her and I liked the pace we were at. We began to tell each other we loved each other more, but only a handful of times after a year and a half. We also texted it and emailed it quite a bit to each other. But I truly loved her. I still do. After a year and a half, I was getting ready to leave for my deployment. She moved closer to her job because the 2 hours on the road was tough on her and I would come down on the weekends. I would have gone more but my schedule was too busy. She also fostered THREE, yes THREE kids. An admirable and noble gesture but I was upset because I selfishly wanted this time to really secure our relationship and firmly entrench our plans together. To have some very romantic times and generally just enjoy each other. I actually broke up with her for a week. I was angry, more at myself at this point for waiting so long to really sit her down and tell her how I felt. Now I felt like I didn't have the opportunity. That argument was the only other argument we had in our relationship. Upon me leaving, she moved back to Baltimore as planned. When I got back I would move close to be her. She took some very personal mementos of mine. I actually jokingly stated that she couldn't leave me now that I gave her these things. She also took some very large, expensive items of mine like a 55" TV, treadmill, computer, etc. My unit went to TX to train for a month and during this time I began to push for us to be more affectionate to each other and talking more about the future. I had wanted these things but again, never felt like the timing was right. She got a little upset, asking why I had waited so long. I told her basically what I told everyone on here. I wanted to be sure. Everything seemed ok but she was upset by all this. I planned a cruise before we left with her and my two daughters. I asked her if she still wanted to go because again, was worrying about how she felt. She said all was ok and of course she wanted to go on the cruise. I took some leave and we took a cruise and went to Disney World and all had a great time. We I hit the ground on my deployment, things seemed ok but not great. Deployments are tough all around and I was basically hoping she would be more supportive but she seemed distant. Well one day she got mad about an email I wrote that seemed to indicate I wasn't coming to the DC area (which it was a perfectly innocous comment, I have put in all the paperwork to move to that area). She decided to break up with me. I begged her to stay with me but she said I was giving her too little too late. I told her I just needed the time, that I was completely in love with her and I had just needed time. I wrote her a letter, pouring out my heart to her...apologized for never stepping up and tell her I would spend the rest of my life proving that to her. I sent her flowers (yes, I did all those things you aren't supposed to do), called her, texted her. That was for the last two weeks. I spoke to her on the phone last night and she told me again, too little too late and that she had to move on to find someone who could commit to her and communicate with her. I had no choice but to accept...she said this could all probably be fixed if I were home, but of course I am not. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. We hung up. What do I do here? I feel like I tried everything. I wrote her emails, sent her a letter...read her a letter that I read to her on the phone. She asked me not send her flowers to her work because it upset her and put her emotions on display for everyone to see. She has become very callous and angry. I asked her to let a friend of mine (a friend that is a woman) come get my stuff and she snapped saying I am not letting your little gf get your stuff...you can get it when you get back. I just wanted it because again, some of these things are very personal mementos of mine and it would allow me to just what she was asking me to do...move on. But she refuses. She said I can get it when I am back. There is probably so much more I can say. All I know is we had a fantastic relationship but something was bothering her (drunken rage fits) and I wanted to take things slowly. Apparently that didn't sit well with her but she NEVER mentioned it before. I had no indication till I started asking for more affection. So why take my stuff with her when she was going to leave me? Why go on this cruise with me? What should I do here? Her birthday is in about 3 weeks and I had local draw a very nice picture of us. I can't keep it with me. Do I send it to her? I can't keep it here. I have nowhere to hide it and keep it out of my sight. Do I go no contact completely or just send her a quick Happy Birthday text? When Christmas comes around do I say Merry Christmas? Why is she keeping my stuff? I truly love this woman with all my heart but I feel betrayed and abandonded. Final thought, I did this. I didn't prove to her enough that I loved her and cared for her. I blame myself for not reaching out enough. What should I do? We both love each other, so I thought. Told each other we love each other the last time we talked (3 days ago). HELP! Again, sorry for the long story .
Balzac Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Welcome to LS. Thank you for your service to our country. I'm sorry you're in misery and deployed. Ya know despite the optimistic spin in your story, I detect a slight hint of distrust and suspicion. Angry outbursts of intensity you describe are not normal. Throwing in the towel the moment you are boots down in foreign lands is irrational as well. Who does that kind of acting out to a lover? As to your begging, rationalizing and weeping......give yourself a break. The shock and isolation amplify emotions. I'm not one to easily dismiss or overlook crazy. I'm not familiar with deployment fallout within relationships. There are women who cannot function within relationship boundaries if their man is not omni present. How old is this woman? Does she have children?
Author longbow39 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Welcome to LS. Thank you for your service to our country. I'm sorry you're in misery and deployed. Ya know despite the optimistic spin in your story, I detect a slight hint of distrust and suspicion. Angry outbursts of intensity you describe are not normal. Throwing in the towel the moment you are boots down in foreign lands is irrational as well. Who does that kind of acting out to a lover? As to your begging, rationalizing and weeping......give yourself a break. The shock and isolation amplify emotions. I'm not one to easily dismiss or overlook crazy. I'm not familiar with deployment fallout within relationships. There are women who cannot function within relationship boundaries if their man is not omni present. How old is this woman? Does she have children? Ya, I begged. I pleaded. Just couldn't believe this was happening. Came out of nowhere. Made a fool of myself basically. Went NC after Thursday but talked to some friends and they said I should write and ask for my stuff back. I did. Was very polite. Didn't blame her. Told her I gave it my all and wish I could have assuaged whatever fears she had. But I obviously couldn't. Also said I wanted my stuff to help begin the healing process. In fact, not sure why she wants to keep it and have it sitting in here closet. So anyway, I have to move on. I just want closure now but I am still in shock. She is 33. No children.
Author longbow39 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 I have deployed before. This is obviously by far the worst. Even worse, she said if I were home I could have probably fixed it. Salt in the wound.
Sugarkane Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Hi I have been searching for info on this subject as my bf is thinking about going back to the military (after getting more qualifications). It must be really difficult to be away from each other a lot. It seems some people are better at dealing with it than others. I think you should seek counseling for sure. It must be tough. My grandmother was a military wife and had kids, so it must be possible? I would ask her but she has a bad memory now and most of the time doesn't know where she is.
Author longbow39 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I have been leaning heavily upon my friends but they all know I am upset. I don't do many social interactions like watching movies or anything. Just spend the time on my own. I know I need to hang out more with friends but just don't feel like it right now.
Author longbow39 Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 I agree...need a drink. Well, it has only been 5 days of NC for me now. I have such the urge to reach out and contact her. Wish I could
Author longbow39 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 So just an update where I am at. I have done pretty well with no contact, except regarding my things (see below). Feel I am heeling but some days I get scared of letting her go. I have put myself out there on online dating sites and have done pretty well as far establishing contact with women. Of course I don't get home for a few months so we will have to wait and see. One thing that really irritates me though is that my ex has a lot of my things. This isn't stuff I can just forget about. Mostly this is stuff from my family and my brother (who died) otherwise, I'd just let it be. I wrote my ex on 18 NOV and asked her to send me a few items I needed and asked about the rest of my things. She said she would send it after Thanksgiving. Fast forward to around 15 DEC and I still haven't gotten package. I ask her about my package and yet again, about my things. I mention she can put it in storage and I can take over the payments. She responds back a week later stating she will send package (she says she misunderstood what I wanted to do with the package-whatever). She ignores my question about my stuff and if it is safe. Keep in mind she is also possibly moving from her current location. So about a week ago, I again sent her yet another email. I sent her a list of my things and asked again if we can put it in storage, or at least let me know where it is. No response. I really don't know what to do at this point. I'd like to not contact her but feel like I am not getting a good answer on this and I can't just let it go. Am I wrong in worrying about these items (which by the way, aside from the sentimental things, it is about $5,000 worth of stuff)?
Samilia Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 I would drop her like a hot plate. I would also wait before jumping into another relationship unless you posted for light dating. I would send my parents to get your stuff back, or a male friend. Ask the cops if they can accompany them stating that she has anger management issues. The whole thing seems like a lot of drama.
Radu Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 She is keeping the stuff for 2 reasons : - emotional connection between the two of you [to ensure you are on the backburner] - $ value I hope you have proof of your requests for returning the stuff. I would involve a lawyer at this point and have the lawyer and someone you trust represent your interests. It may seem a bit ... callous, but i assure you, she has been considering this breakup for a while. Women never move on from a relationship unless they are secure on their future footing, unless they know what they will do. The Disney World and the stuff before the break-up might be interpreted as future faking. I suspect she has GIGS, so if you want your stuff back ... play hardball with her. And if you haven't figured it out yet, she is with another guy now. PS: Alcohol removes inhibitions, so the potential for her to become physically abusive was always there. She sounds like a wreck. And any woman that pulls a 'Dear John' is utter scum.
Samilia Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 She is keeping the stuff for 2 reasons : - emotional connection between the two of you [to ensure you are on the backburner] - $ value I hope you have proof of your requests for returning the stuff. I would involve a lawyer at this point and have the lawyer and someone you trust represent your interests. It may seem a bit ... callous, but i assure you, she has been considering this breakup for a while. Women never move on from a relationship unless they are secure on their future footing, unless they know what they will do. The Disney World and the stuff before the break-up might be interpreted as future faking. I suspect she has GIGS, so if you want your stuff back ... play hardball with her. And if you haven't figured it out yet, she is with another guy now. PS: Alcohol removes inhibitions, so the potential for her to become physically abusive was always there. She sounds like a wreck. And any woman that pulls a 'Dear John' is utter scum. I would beg to differ on that one, I broke up with my ex because I wasn't satisfied with his behavior, not because I had someone else in mind or a gigs... I am independent, I don't need anybody to pay my bills and vibrators work wonder.
Author longbow39 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 Hi all, thanks for your responses. So to try and answer a few of the questions posed to me and comment on some of the statements.... She is 33. No kids. I have 2 daughters. Long story short she broke up with me because she said I gave her too little, too late. I was upfront with her from the beginning and told her I wanted to go slow and wanted things to progress naturally. I thought they were. Naturally, the crazy drunken episodes she had set me back a couple of times but I stuck with her thinking I could "fix" that problem. I think the real issue was she was jealous and insecure. I don't know why, I was faithful to her, never thought about cheating. The last time we skyped about 2 months ago she told me she loved me but had to move on (so I suspect you are right, she met someone) and be with someone more compatible. I treated her very well. We did everything together. I wasn't abusive, we didn't fight (except during her episodes), and I didn't lie. I could possibly understand her acting like this if I did. Another thing, if she IS seeing someone, would think she'd want to get rid of my things! Why would you want an ex bf's crap laying around? Regardless, I have been civil in my emails. Stopped begging and pleading after a month and basically just kind of switched gears to let's get my things back and behave like adults. Those emails have been few and far between. I am not dating anyone seriously yet. I am just setting myself up for when I get back. Like I said, I still have a few months here to get right. Anyway, don't want to resort to legal just yet. There is no hope for reconcilliation from my perspective, if she is trying to keep me on the backburner. What she did was wrong. Period! Never forgive her for that but I do want to be civil. Maybe I will send a more direct email...see if that works.
Author longbow39 Posted December 24, 2012 Author Posted December 24, 2012 I would drop her like a hot plate. I would also wait before jumping into another relationship unless you posted for light dating. I would send my parents to get your stuff back, or a male friend. Ask the cops if they can accompany them stating that she has anger management issues. The whole thing seems like a lot of drama. I forgot to mention, I don't know anyone where she lives. Only female friends. My parents are on opposite sides of states from her. Maybe I can coordinate for a moving company to move it...I don't know.....ugh.
Samilia Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 Well if she has pictures of your brother and stuff that belonged to him, I think it's worth asking your parents to make the drive (or a male friend). Ask your parents to go to the police station first, a police officer will certainly know if they have the rights to demand your stuff back or not. I lost my sister, I know it sucks, what they left behind is like gold to us.
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