EasyHeart Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Or maybe he has been on his own for so long and content that way, that he is not sure what he wants in his future. Most men are pretty straightforward. It's only when we're trying to bed you down that we say silly stuff like "I've never met anyone like you! I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you!" If you hear nonsense like that --- RUN!!!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Reminds me of a Mexican song. Love is rare. If it appears, it happens when you are least looking. The death metal guy sounds like a douche and you seem rather...strange. Why do I seem strange? I am curious.
Emilia Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 2. Invite him over to my place for next date. No point in going on formal dates when we both know where this is going. So let's get on with the sex I think it would work well for you if you got out of the scarcity mindset. There are plrenty more than this one has come from. No plans, no interest, no passion, no nothing. Nothing special but he is happy to f*** you as a favour. Personally, I'd move on.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 You seem to know what you want. But when it comes to making decisions you keep making the mistakes you shouldn't be doing and someone like yourself is probably aware of your mistakes. That makes you strange. Yeah. This is contradictory to my thread where I said how I want to be treated. Entertaining the idea of seeing this douche is stupid. Even if he is telling the truth, the big IF - he is still a poor prospect. He doesn't even sound excited enough about being FWB. He comes across like he can't be bothered with women and dating in general.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 I think it would work well for you if you got out of the scarcity mindset. There are plrenty more than this one has come from. No plans, no interest, no passion, no nothing. Nothing special but he is happy to f*** you as a favour. Personally, I'd move on. True and not. I so rarely feel any kind of connection with anyone, that it is SCARCE. Yes, there are plenty of others that I feel meh about. Still, no use pursuing someone that doesn't reciprocate my feelings.
iris219 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Yeah. This is contradictory to my thread where I said how I want to be treated. Entertaining the idea of seeing this douche is stupid. Even if he is telling the truth, the big IF - he is still a poor prospect. He doesn't even sound excited enough about being FWB. He comes across like he can't be bothered with women and dating in general. Why is he doing online dating then? I assume it's either for a relationship or sex. If he's not excited about either with you, that's a problem. He also might be one of the many single men over 30 who wouldn't feel it for anyone. I've met a lot of them over the last few years. These are guys who remain single, even though they could easily have relationships with a variety of women. For some reason, it's either not what they want or they don't have the ability to maintain a relationship (and they know this). I would avoid men like this if I were you. They depress me. They might as be gay because they are doing me no good. It sucks that there are so many of them. I have yet to meet an over 30 man who's excited about a relationship with anyone. All the guys I've gone on dates with over the past few years are still single (except for one years ago and he made it clear he wanted a relationship). The relationship minded ones are in relationships and have been for awhile. I'm sorry ES. I know how hard it is to find someone. Believe me, I know. I can't figure out why I know so many awesome single women over 30, yet the single men are just lame. We live on opposite ends of the earth and seem to have similar problems. 2
Emilia Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 True and not. I so rarely feel any kind of connection with anyone, that it is SCARCE. Yes, there are plenty of others that I feel meh about. I'm sort of the same but started getting better at spotting those that get me going. I have fewer 'superficial' requirements in order to get out of the scarcity mindset. There must be a lot of men out there that you could potentially like but perhaps not so good at spotting them. Still, no use pursuing someone that doesn't reciprocate my feelings. Well that's it. It sucks but it is what it is.
xxoo Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 If you are going to have sex with this guy, do it with his same attitude and investment. Do it for the sex--once--and never contact him again.
Ariadne Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 True and not. I so rarely feel any kind of connection with anyone, that it is SCARCE. Yes, there are plenty of others that I feel meh about. Still, no use pursuing someone that doesn't reciprocate my feelings. For what it sounds this guy doesn't even make an effort. You'd even be turned off before you have sex or anything near. Still I don't think there's any risk you are going to fall for metal band guy.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 BTW he hasn't even logged on to the dating site in ages. He said he hasn't even been on a single date in months. This is a bit of a complicated story. We actually met after my break up with ex and he chased me a bit but I wasn't ready to even casually date then. We have now reconnected and tables have turned. I did have an honest discussion with him about why I wasn't ready then (in case that's why he was lukewarm, I did blow him off number of times). Anyway, he asked me out for Saturday, proper date, no going to his place. I will go with it for now. I am also dating others. What's the worst that can happen? I won't die of heartbreak. I am also not one for wasting time so few more dates will tell me all I need to know.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 My philosophy in life is to live it with no regrets. Yes, it would be reasonable to ditch this guy at this point, but I am not 100% sure. In my experience, it becomes 100% soon enough.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Why is he doing online dating then? I assume it's either for a relationship or sex. If he's not excited about either with you, that's a problem. He also might be one of the many single men over 30 who wouldn't feel it for anyone. I've met a lot of them over the last few years. These are guys who remain single, even though they could easily have relationships with a variety of women. For some reason, it's either not what they want or they don't have the ability to maintain a relationship (and they know this). I would avoid men like this if I were you. They depress me. They might as be gay because they are doing me no good. It sucks that there are so many of them. I have yet to meet an over 30 man who's excited about a relationship with anyone. All the guys I've gone on dates with over the past few years are still single (except for one years ago and he made it clear he wanted a relationship). The relationship minded ones are in relationships and have been for awhile. I'm sorry ES. I know how hard it is to find someone. Believe me, I know. I can't figure out why I know so many awesome single women over 30, yet the single men are just lame. We live on opposite ends of the earth and seem to have similar problems. And why would this guy be excited to be in a relationship in which practically every girl is looking for with just about every man they develop some kind of emotions and interest for? Many women these days multi-date, whether talking to several men, dating them or sleeping with them...they round up suitable bachelors left and right seeing which one puts forth the most effort and that they have the highest interest level and connection in, then as some drop off like flies or at their convenience they target the best ones and then simply desire this man want a relationship with them? ha! - Ok to sleep with that guy, no long-term potential - Ok to date that guy, he's nice and treats me well just don't feel any chemistry - Ok to talk to this guy, we seem to get along just fine - OK to date this guy, he's probably a player but I'll stick around anyway he makes me feel good - Ok I like this guy the most and he has the most potential but I'll just keep seeing these other guys just in case, just in case this guy cuts the cord and rejects me otherwise I'm hoping it'll lead to a relationship That's the gist of it, might not be the exact formula for all women, but it's essentially something like that...and EVERY WOMAN claims to have a hard time finding a guy they really like? really? because it sure looks like many women don't mind stringing along these other guys in the meantime, gee but I sure hope a guy doesn't do the same back to you right? Oh but he's sleeping with the women so that makes him worse and we have feelings, you couldn't possibly be misleading the men you are dating because they think they'll sleep with you...but it doesn't matter what they want right because you tell yourself in whatever way that convinces you that you're not giving anyone the wrong idea...after all this is all about you right? no-no, let's not take any accountability and responsibility for our own actions, we need to always convince ourselves we are the victims in all scenarios. What do you think it looks like from the guys point of view? look at these "special" women seeking out a special someone? No because as men we never hear that, but oh hey look, look at these special someones are, looks like a run of the mill douchebag to me, and hey, maybe even to the woman...but nooo she's not going to walk away just because of that, let's just keep bending to the will of a desirable man because maybe I'll be the exception to the rule! It appears random from a mans point of view, if a man even thinks about it that far. He's too busy spinning some charm and complimentary words and showing interest for 5 seconds to the girl that he'll get on his hook and string-along for the next few months because he looks "amazing" and like the perfect little package. Most of these guys are just focused on something new and exciting, and why not? what prevents them from indulging in that luxury until they find somebody they actually feel the same way for? And astonishingly, it doesn't just happen with every girl they are into, so are men are devaluing "love" or are these men actually trying to find someone that separate herself from the pack and ignites real "emotion" inside of him...no no, just because men don't date a girl and have no interest but just keeps dating him anyway which leads to sex and then no of a sudden this half interesting man is now the potential prince charming, men are blamed for not attaching in the same way to women...punished for not wearing their hearts on their sleeves and giving their true, deep feelings out like candy...what a shame! And in the meantime while passing through the hands of women seeking a relationship, they get to live their lives, work on their careers and engage in hobbies without a woman coming in and trying to change them and their lives to accommodate a relationship...which every girl seems to want, it doesn't in any way feel personalized...and why is that? because a man in his position hardly has to invest any time or energy in pulling a woman's interest, shes' already chosen you and so what are the reasons to put in a lot of effort? - You tell her you're not looking/ready/open whatever excuse the guys gives you which is basically a prenunp saying no matter what happens during this "experience" I am able to get on my horse and ride my @ss off into the sunset whenever you put on the pressure for something more but hey guess what, I told you way back when how I felt and what i wanted but you didn't believe me, sorry, not my fault! And she still is like "ok....well we will just see where it goes"...I mean lol, is this really rocket science here? you put your foot in the bear trap and then are actually surprised when it closes on it...it's ridiculously naive. - The man puts forth little effort or show little interest...tada! she's still there...try for what reasons? put forth more effort for what? she throws a fit, gets upset, hurt, mad, posts on LS yadda yadda yadda but lo and behold...If she's interested in you, she vents, gets back on the horse and forgives you for it...wow, ladies, quite the level of respect you are setting for yourselves, I don't know how any man can endure such a punishment..you deal with it on your time, venting to strangers and everyone else that shouldn't be hearing it but the actual guy in question...no no no, let's not do that, wouldn't want to ruin this gem! Sorry ladies but that's the reality of it, you make it damn easy and because bob forbid you let ago of another "amazing" guy, you'd rather hang in there and get punched in the face ten times convincing yourself they are only love taps....these men are testing you, pushing you to see what you demand for yourselves without the BS words that come out of your mouth when you have no interests, because like most women, nothing you said before you had interest in a man or even tell your friends holds any weight with the guy you're into, he's always the exception to the rule. Yeah a lot of incentive there for men to open their mouths and communicate while you have your own little mind battle with your girlfriends and LS forum only to convince yourself in the end that it's ok anyway and you'll give it another try. So you tell me ladies, why should these men be willing to settle down with? Because you want them to and you're a good catch? Because you deserve for a guy to love you back and you want to be loved even though you don't even care to ask how the man feels himself all of the time? you just assume along the way and tell yourself when he does this or that he really loves you? Because you're looking for a relationship with a desirable man? so you friendzone all the nice guys or guys who make you feel desirable in the interim? Because you want a family and children? Because of the "love" you have to give...the same love you give every man you're infatuated and give 100 percent with and pump up this man beyond reality because the guy makes a few sweet gestures, and you twist everything he does into something significant and filled with so much hidden intent while you ignore the words that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Take your pick on which one resonates with, if not more than one. I'm frankly become tired of the whining...and It's disappointing to here women complain all the damn time then repeat the same damn misteakes. What do you want? what kind of advice do women really seek? go ahead and do it? it's probably a good idea, and if so why not just ask your girlfriends, it's not like you're going to take advice much to heart in the end anyway, you know what has to happen instead? this guy has to push you away so far and make so many mistakes that you pretty much have no choice but to walk away. I'm losing my sympathy for women, because they shoot themselves in the foot repeatedly, they completely contradict themselves and then they get upset and disappointed when things don't work out...can someone lend a gun so i can shoot myself in the head and end my misery and long-winded posts? I swear, I'll never tell anyone I give love advice, because I'd feel like a damn liar, I don't see anything about "love" or even "romance" in 90 percent of these posts yet people are still clinging to it like it's the holy grail, no wonder people don't believe it, I have to remind myself that there is something greater which I shouldn't even be able to forget, however after reading LS day after day it's clear that whatever is going on in the world isn't love. And no, don't say LS is the only area i get form this opinion off of, I can assure you what I see in real life is much worse, I know far too much of peoples personal business in real life, it is completely nuts and I honestly don't even know how this world even exists and turns like this, it's insanity...and I must be insane too.
iris219 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Wow, NinPJs. You got a lot out of my post, more than I think was actually there, and it seemed to really irritate you. I don’t know the women you seem to know. Sorry if you’ve had bad experiences. I don’t know women who multi-date. I know women who can’t get dates, at all, not with anyone. We almost never get asked out. Ever. Personally, I don’t stick around if I don’t see potential. I’d rather be at home reading LS than hanging out with some dude I know I’ll never marry or be in a LTR with (for whatever reason). Not sure why a woman would string a guy along. Makes no sense to me. It sounds like it would be an awful chore. I have friends I can go out with and I don’t have sex outside of LTRs, so what would be the point? I don’t need or want attention from random dudes. You ask why a man would want to settle down. What do you have against a man doing so?
xxoo Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 So you tell me ladies, why should these men be willing to settle down with? Help us out here, ninja. What does make a man want to settle down with a woman?
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Wow, NinPJs. You got a lot out of my post, more than I think was actually there, and it seemed to really irritate you. I don’t know the women you seem to know. Sorry if you’ve had bad experiences. I don’t know women who multi-date. I know women who can’t get dates, at all, not with anyone. We almost never get asked out. Ever. Personally, I don’t stick around if I don’t see potential. I’d rather be at home reading LS than hanging out with some dude I know I’ll never marry or be in a LTR with (for whatever reason). Not sure why a woman would string a guy along. Makes no sense to me. It sounds like it would be an awful chore. I have friends I can go out with and I don’t have sex outside of LTRs, so what would be the point? I don’t need or want attention from random dudes. You ask why a man would want to settle down. What do you have against a man doing so? Here's the thing, unlike most people I don't just base things off my own personal opinion and experience, I want to know the truth and reality about things not the idealistic or personal belief necessarily. I look at what's going on around me as objectively as I possibly can and try to see what's the root of what is going on, I get feedback from experiences of other men and the feedback from women that I am not involved with. So when you hear me talk about something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's coming directly from me or my experiences in it's entirety, it's typically a combination of elements to form an opinion, but most importantly I see the patterns and understand the typical behavior that many people are engaging in that they don't even realize. That's how I can put together the scenario of what a woman is thinking or what a man is thinking, because I see the pattern, I know what it means when someone does or says this, and other information helps narrow that down that most people don't even realize is meaningful in any way. So yes, it typically looks like I'm going over the top with a lot of posts based off little information, but I've seen the scenario and situation so many times it's easy to see through it and recognize the bottom line. And since the majority of women are chasing and the majority of men who (at least are desirable) are trying to avoid relationships...which they only have so many options in doing, it's obvious when they are doing so and it's obvious when a woman crosses a line where she is interested to the point where she is going to take no amount of reason into consideration when making her next decision. I understand that there are women who do not sleep around and multidate or what not, I get that. And yes you may not be one of them, but I typically speak in general terms which cover the majority of people in some way, so of course I cannot specify in detail a particular person and situation unless I really were to focus all of my energy towards each individual and take my time sifting through saying "this applies to you personally, this does not, this does" etc..but that would be just about impossible to do in a single reply and on LS. Think of it as everyone has a blood type, certain factors are taken into consideration for each blood type, but it doesn't mean that each blood type is completely different and unique, there is still a classification of each in general terms, enough to make sound judgments and predictions based on the bigger picture. See, this already gets out of hand, I'm already trying not to blow up the post as it is with a long-winded reply, but there is simply too much to explain and communicate in such a small frame of space, but I do understand each persons situation on here, it would just take me ages to dive in and tackle and explain each one in detail and have it at the same time address everyone equally. One other big factor to consider as well as that just because you don't multidate or have sex outside a relationship does not mean you're establishing any more credibility or turning over any profound stones with men. I understand what men are willing to do and how far they are willing to go to establish what they think they want. I think the strongest representation of that is in the fact that these relationships often have similarities between people who are just dating just because there is a title associated with a relationship does not mean it changes the fundamental core issues and interactions between men and women. Women are typically more concerned with titles because they feel it gives them a sense of security and commitment/investment from the man, but I've seen married men treat their relationship with less value than a girl they are dating on the side, so everything has to be taken into consideration...although i agree a relationship provides more security and investment from men if that man's morals and ethics associate that according to your beliefs. Women far too often believe that how they feel and think about something automatically integrates that man equally to those beliefs and emotions, they do not communicate enough often with men to really understand what that means to the man and most importantly where he stands emotionally. Many women have these ideals and expectations and when they essentially come to cash the check and the bank of man they realize it's not worth what they wrote on the check, they can't get out of him what they thought they were investing because they assumed an association automatically made that a reality. So I see people often jump in and out of relationships, does that mean they might as well be dating? quite honestly to me it's often the same. Also I see women have relationships with men and not let go, it's an obligation they require before having real intimacy and emotions and they feel it has some guarantee to it but essentially a long-term relationship lasts because of the "ups and downs" which essentially relegate to men trying to get out of it doing things that have threatening the security of that relationship. Sometimes it's the man in this position, but honestly It's not something I see or hear often enough at all, I do not cross paths with those kind of men frequently because honestly they're usually busy at home having the whip cracked on em. Because I know unless what I'm saying is meticulously dissected so that I can make sure to cover all the "holes" in it to make sure it addresses you specifically, I'd rather have women explain this to me. If you understand men well and the intentions of men and the different types of men and which ones are looking for relationships and which ones are not and how you tell the difference and you feel you know what they want since obviously you seem to feel or believe that men are available in this way or the other...break down to me why you feel this way, what actions are men showing you that they serious? how are men looking for a relationship and why? And not the nice guys, not the guys that don't do well...the handsome guy, that's desirable or has some kind of appealing status that doesn't struggle with women but is just "looking for the right one" and you feel that may be you, tell me the woman's perspective on why men would want a relationship, from a mans point of view not while you feel a man would want a relationship but why men in general. I honestly don't believe women considers a mans emotions to a great degree, i think many women live in their own bubbles, they got an idea in their head and they want to pursue that regardless of consequences and sacrifices once they decide this is the man to be. Explain to me how I am completely wrong in that respect as well as others about these kind of men, and why there seems to be an "epidemic" of men not wanting relationships...I have all my answers and feel pretty confident in them, so before I should ever speak about that, what's the scenario from a woman's point of view, why should men want relationships that can have anything they want without one?
monkey00 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 So the death metal guy, who I am highly attracted to is being unsure of what he wants. He basically told me that he has been on his own for so long and content that way, that he is not sure what he wants in his future. I never pushed him to define anything, he just came out and said it himself. That said, he still wants to keep seeing me. We haven't had sex and I don't intend to. His actions are consistent with him being "unsure". Contact every few days but not more than that. I am a bit torn between keeping this going (while dating others too) or just dropping him all together. I think your OP pretty much speaks for itself. If I were you I wouldn't bother. I was a similar situation recently only to find out the person wasted my time, which i was misled. Even if you don't intend to sleep with him, but just hang out and go on dates. There is still the emotional attachment involved. And when time comes around that he's 'done' with you or meets someone else, by then you'll already be hooked and attached.
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 He's attractive because he's emotionally unavailable and has become the challenge you need, to trigger attachment and attraction within you. You need to stop playing this game, get off the validation ride and start making emotionally healthy choices if you want an LTR. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 He's attractive because he's emotionally unavailable and has become the challenge you need, to trigger attachment and attraction within you. You need to stop playing this game, get off the validation ride and start making emotionally healthy choices if you want an LTR. Interesting thought. I do remember when I first met him and he came on pretty strong, I wasn't really interested. Now that he is not quite available, I seem to be waiting by the phone for any crumb of attention Still, being around him makes me feel alive again because he has triggered the attraction/passion that I haven't had for so long. I still think that few more dates with him wouldn't hurt but I am not taking it seriously.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I guess that the other thing is: I do want a LTR but it's not feasible for the next 6-8 months. I have some heavy work/study commitments and I simply don't have the time and energy or can afford to be distracted with a full-on relationship. Work/study are my #1 priority now and I am fitting everything else around it. So a casual situation would suit me better in the meantime. Either that or no dating at all.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I think your OP pretty much speaks for itself. If I were you I wouldn't bother. I was a similar situation recently only to find out the person wasted my time, which i was misled. Even if you don't intend to sleep with him, but just hang out and go on dates. There is still the emotional attachment involved. And when time comes around that he's 'done' with you or meets someone else, by then you'll already be hooked and attached. But everybody is different. Frankly I think Ninja underestimates women. Just because we are emotional, we are not going to fall madly in love with someone who blatantly tells us (in whichever way) that he doesn't want a relationship. Why can't I be believed that I am hedging my bets, still looking for the "right one" and having some fun with someone that's not going to go anywhere? In my early 20s, I wasn't capable of this. Even 5 years ago, I wasn't capable of this. But I have matured a lot. As soon as someone promising comes along, this guy will be ditched. As soon as someone promising comes along to him, I will be ditched. Fair play. I am not going to slit my wrists or cry myself to sleep over it. Hell, I can even have coffee with my ex that I was going to marry with zero emotional attachment or wish to get back with him.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 MODS - please close this thread. I have gotten all the advice I need, I am just getting annoyed with having to defend myself and posters here pretending that they know better what I think/want than I know myself. Frankly, I am sick of this.
MrCastle Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 MODS - please close this thread. I have gotten all the advice I need, I am just getting annoyed with having to defend myself and posters here pretending that they know better what I think/want than I know myself. Frankly, I am sick of this. *smooches* :love: 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 *smooches* :love: You Latino hottie, I know you would never attack me 1
MrCastle Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You Latino hottie, I know you would never attack me Never. You're too awesome (and beautiful) for that 1
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