MintAngel Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 In short, together 16 years, married 12 of them. Second marriage for both of us. 2 children left at home, but they are self-sufficient. Youngest is almost 15. We had a storybook courtship, like most people. Could talk about anything, sexual or non-sexual. Awesome communication. If anything bothered me, I could bring it up and I knew it would be worked out. Unfortunately, he started letting me know what was bothering him in fights. He saved up all his complaints and let them all loose all at once! You know those ones…where you’re arguing about money and then POW, not money anymore! But thankfully, things always got worked out. After our marriage, things were great until somewhere around the 4 year mark. His family interfered with the raising of our son, and instead of putting them in their place, he let them belittle me and actually just recently, admitted that they were trying to make him leave me. I always knew that, but he actually said the words for the first time 8 years after the fact. I really don’t know how I survived this, but the fact is his parents had mostly raised his older son, and now they thought I was just going to hand mine over too. NOT! Things got much better when we moved in 2008 many miles away. I didn’t have to keep looking over my shoulder anymore. There was finally an incident where I had had enough and called the in-laws and told them so. My MIL decided to floor me by telling me all the bad things about my husband! Go figure! Now he was the bad guy! But by this time the damage was done and I was stripped of any self-esteem that I may have had left, knowing that he had never chosen me first. I started having issues with his ‘private time’ on top of everything else, I’m guessing as a result of this. I sold my soul to the devil to keep his interest in me, but of course it never worked. So, today, I have lost all interest in being the ‘fixer’. For some time now, I have had to be the one to start a dialogue, send a text or an email (if it’s intimate in nature), and then hope somehow I feel better in the end. Why? Because he will not talk about anything anymore. I’m in my mid 40’s, so possibly peri-menopausal. Sex is just not the same anymore. It might be the monotony, the physical repulsion of the look of my own body (that’s a whole other story), the reduced libido, the unresolved issues, or all of the above! But I have no way to tell which it is. I did read a comment that I had never thought of before. I do feel like he doesn’t want me, that I am simply a release for him and not an expression of love between the two of us. It just seems like any female body will do and it has to be me because he is married to me. That kind of sums it up! So, any chance he will ever ‘communicate’ with me again? I thought at this point we would be free and clear of all our inhibitions, but no such luck!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I thought at this point we would be free and clear of all our inhibitions, but no such luck! This statement seems to contradict this: I Sex is just not the same anymore. It might be the monotony, the physical repulsion of the look of my own body (that’s a whole other story), the reduced libido, the unresolved issues, or all of the above! Hard to understand how you want him to be and do things for which you've rationalized excuses for your own non-involvement. Maybe he's bored or has physical reasons for low libido ? Perhaps he has body or self esteem issues ? The distance between you is a big challenge to overcome and I'm sure he's played some part in creating it. But you seem pretty ready to put the blame firmly on his side of the ledger. And the problem with that approach is it robs you of the positive power of change. It sounds like there's a lot of work to be done - by both of you - if things are going to improve... Mr. Lucky
Author MintAngel Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 I would be more than happy to ask him if only he would just talk to me! I know he wants me, it's the reasons that I'm suspicious of. I don't want to be an outlet for sex. I want him to want to be with ME and that's not how it feels these days.
Recommended Posts