Boyfriend completely blew off my birthday

[Art_Critic]

I think it's time to re-think things...

 

Pullback... see what he does.

IMO he isn't very invested in you, a BF should at the very least buy a card for his GF, spend time with her on her b-day or if he can't make arrangements to do that on another day.

[Arabella]

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm even willing to see what he does this coming week at this point. No matter how much I try to rationalize that he cares and he's done plenty for me in the past... I can't shake off the uncomfortable feeling that I am nothing but an afterthought.

 

Just the way he's handled everything. He showed up Friday night, didn't even take the 2 minutes at the store to choose a card for me (let alone actually buy a gift!), left early in the am, and throughout the entire thing I've just felt like I was "in the way" of his guy-time weekend.

 

That's why I chose not to go up to spend the night with him after the race. I feel like I'm inconveniencing him with my presence somehow. He just told me he's going to the bachelor party tonight and won't be back til morning then he's going back up to the track.

 

This is hours and hours of driving across three state lines... In short, he goes through all this trouble for his friends, but he half-assed my birthday...

 

[RR1]

Hi Arabella, i am really sorry you had to live through that, there is nothing worse than being ignored by someone who's supposed to be special when it's your b'day.

 

i've been in your situation as well, made super big effort on special one's b'day because i wanted her to feel special and wanted, sent flowers, took her to dinner, bought pressie, really did my best. I did it not because i wanted something in return i did it because she meant a lot to me and i wanted her to feel that. I would have liked at least an acknowledgement when it was my b'day but alas like you i got nothing. Daft thing was i even did the same thing again the following year and guess what? Yep...bamn, got the same treatment all over again. Not even text. So yes i get where you are coming from, it hurt's because we tried hard for them because we wanted them to feel special and wanted and i don't know about you but i wasn't expecting miracles in return, just a small amount of effort, you know a bit of acknowledgement that i was being thought about. Even if i had just got card and a sponge cake or something i would have at least felt remembered. so yes i do really understand the hurt you are going through at the moment.

 

And now for the bad news i'm afarid. I made that mistake last year and i got a bit upset so she knew it bothered me a bit, but still i got the same treatment again this year, not even a text to say happy b'day. I won't go into what i did for her b'day this year to avoid making myself look a bigger dork than i already do. So in answer to your originL point if he is the sort of person who can be that uncarring and unfeeling then he probably isn't going to improve, that's the way he is and you had better get used to it or get rid of him. Sorry to blunt but it's the truth. Maybe you could try being just friends. That's what i'm doing with my ex-g/f. She is a lovely person in so many ways that i didn't in the end want to lose a good friend but i did have to accept that she wasn't the caring feeling type of person that i wanted from someone. The whole point of a relationship is that you are supoosed to make each other feel special and wanted and if you can't even managine that on a b'day then there is definitely something missing. You are not making too much of this at all, you are right to question it. It's upto you waht you do about it. Maybe try having a chat with him and explain how upset you were and if he responds well and tries to make things up then it may be worth another go, if not then i would look at dumping him or maybe just having him as a friend.

 

Best of luck, hope that helps.

[Arabella]

@RR1:

 

Thank you for taking the time to write and tell me about your experience. I'm sorry she didn't appreciate you like you deserved, either.

 

Frankly, at this point, the longer that goes by... the crappier I feel about it. I explained to him how I felt about it, but a little voice deep down tells me that if he didn't care enough over the past few weeks to do something for me, he won't care about my feelings enough to do something about it now.

 

I always told a friend that you can't make people care or respect you, but you can always choose to walk away if you don't feel you're getting what you deserve. Time to listen to my own advice, even if it hurts.

 

We will see what happens this week. I really want to be wrong about this... but I am not holding my breath.

[OpenBook]

OK here's my 2 cents...

 

We've both been exceptionally cautious in our involvement, and I know he's not as invested as he could be. For that matter, neither am I... but I am trying.

 

There's your first clue. You shouldn't HAVE to try. You're putting way too much effort into this fledgling relationship.

 

I feel so hurt he completely blew it off. I know he cares, but this is really not enough.

 

You must honor your own feelings about this above all else - including how much you like this chap. Be true to yourself.

 

I just texted him to let him know I wouldn't be coming up tonight, and told him to have fun and I'd see him Monday.

 

Smart move! I wouldn't have even added the second part.

 

I don't know what to do next.

 

Don't do anything. Stop trying. Go on about your business as if you had never met him. Let him contact you. When he does, be nice but BUSY - too busy to drop everything to see him. Trust me, he'll get the message. He hurt you on your birthday. This is unacceptable. Don't complain to him or try to change him. Simply accept that it happened - and you don't have time for that kind of insult.

[Arabella]

Excellent, I applaud your boyfriend for his testicular fortitude. Nothing makes women hotter than showing them they're not even in your top 5 when it comes to priorities.

 

What you should do is complain about this to your girlfriends and perhaps one or two male friends and then proceed to bang the **** out of your boyfriend.

 

Yeah that may work for sub-25 crowd who still don't know how healthy relationships work. I know better... and if anything, my budding feelings for him have cooled considerably.

[RR1]

I'm glad your found my experiences of use Arabella.

 

Whilst i was reading your reply there was something that immediately sprang to mind. It was the bit where you mention about the "little voice in side", i was jut talking to friend about this little voice the other week and how we so often ignore it and then end up regretting it and kicking ourselves afterwards and end up saying stuff like i knew that was going to happen. And of course we did but we just didn't listen to the little voice warning us, we didn't listen because we didn't want to listen. But of course that's where we learn from our mistakes, we ignore the little voice a few times and then after while we learn to listen.

 

As you say we can't make people care and respect us, all we can do is care and respect them and hope they care enough to do the same for us. if they don't and they end up losing us then that's their loss, they'll realise it after a while. That's their learning experience. I think you have already realised what the situation is, i do sympathise because i know your hurt at the moment. Do remember though that he is losing more than you. You sound a genuine caring person and it will be his loss.

 

I hope you find someone who is worthy of you, remember also that you may still be able to be friends once the hurt diminishes a bit, that's for the future though. For the time being just remember you are worth more and if he couldn't see that he wasn't worth having as a b/f.

[Arabella]

There's your first clue. You shouldn't HAVE to try. You're putting way too much effort into this fledgling relationship.

 

After the break up with my ex, I was honestly just so scared to care about anyone again. I realized it wasn't healthy and I couldn't cling to the pain and hurt forever. So, I made the conscious decision to open my heart to this man and commit to a relationship with him.

 

You must honor your own feelings about this above all else - including how much you like this chap. Be true to yourself.

 

I do like him. A lot. I just don't like it when he makes me feel like this

 

Smart move! I wouldn't have even added the second part.

 

Honestly it wasn't a "move" per se. I just didn't feel right about going up there and having to act like I'm all right and happy when I'm not. Furthermore, I knew that if I didn't go, he would go to his friend's bachelor party. I honestly felt like the entire weekend I was just in the way of doing what he really wanted to do. I don't go where I'm not wanted

 

 

Don't do anything. Stop trying. Go on about your business as if you had never met him. Let him contact you. When he does, be nice but BUSY - too busy to drop everything to see him. Trust me, he'll get the message. He hurt you on your birthday. This is unacceptable. Don't complain to him or try to change him. Simply accept that it happened - and you don't have time for that kind of insult.

 

I told him how I felt about it on Friday. If he really cares, he'll do something about it.

 

Personally, I have a feeling he's just going to wait for me to stop being angry and then act like it didn't happen. That's usually his dynamic.

 

Except this time it's not going to work. This is not something I can just blow off.

 

He texted me to let me know he was back a little while ago and was going to take a nap as he was very tired.

 

He normally comes over on Tuesdays and Saturdays after work and we spend the evening and night together... we don't really discuss these dates anymore. So, I suspect I will see him then. We'll see how that goes.

[xxoo]

Personally, I have a feeling he's just going to wait for me to stop being angry and then act like it didn't happen. That's usually his dynamic.

 

That dynamic is a much bigger issue than one birthday success or failure.

[Arabella]

That dynamic is a much bigger issue than one birthday success or failure.

 

I agree.

 

Frankly? I never feel like I can be honest about how I feel when he does something that upsets me because it tends to always go one of these two ways:

 

a) He feels like I'm attacking him, gets defensive, and I end up feeling bad I even brought it up. This usually happens before a resolution is reached about the original issue I wanted to discuss.

 

b) He acts like that's just further proof that we're incompatible, and it's only happening because of that. Because, of course, a couple should never have arguments nor have to put any effort into making each other happy. If we were truly meant to be, we would never have any issues...right? *sighs*

 

Does this happen every time? To be fair, no. Does it happen the majority of the time? Yes.

 

And if I don't bring it up... well, he sure doesn't... he would live in denial forever if I let him.

[xdahliax]

I agree.

 

Frankly? I never feel like I can be honest about how I feel when he does something that upsets me because it tends to always go one of these two ways:

 

a) He feels like I'm attacking him, gets defensive, and I end up feeling bad I even brought it up. This usually happens before a resolution is reached about the original issue I wanted to discuss.

 

b) He acts like that's just further proof that we're incompatible, and it's only happening because of that. Because, of course, a couple should never have arguments nor have to put any effort into making each other happy. If we were truly meant to be, we would never have any issues...right? *sighs*

 

Does this happen every time? To be fair, no. Does it happen the majority of the time? Yes.

 

And if I don't bring it up... well, he sure doesn't... he would live in denial forever if I let him.

 

I don't see how you can make a relationship work with him until he matures and learns how to communicate better. You'll be feeling horribly all the time because you won't be able to discuss how you feel or work towards progress. The burden will be solely on you throughout the relationship.

[suladas]

I know how you feel. My birthday was about a 3 weeks after me and my ex started going out. She knew it was coming because it was very close to her sons birthday and mentioned it, and knew the date because of facebook to. I did expect a text or something, got nothing, we seen each other and spent the evening together but she completely forgot, being next door neighbors we seen each other a couple times in the afternoon. Not going to lie, it hurt. She had a ton going on but it still hurt. She didn't take the hints either that 3 nights in a row I was busy at dinner, etc and not talking much, I even planned them all on days not on my birthday expecting we'd spend the evening together. We still did, but it was a casual evening with her and her kids and not exactly my idea of a birthday.

 

I was hurt, didn't say anything. Two days later she texted me feeling really bad about it and wanting to make it up to me. Took me out for dinner and we spent the evening together, it was short because she had to work in the morning but I did like how she made the effort. No gift or card or anything but that didn't bother me, I didn't expect anything like that.

 

In the end, I did forget about it. But I think the only way to get over it is to wait and see if they will make it up to you, and realize they screwed up on their own. IMO it's nothing to do with money or gifts, it's the though that counts. Even if he was busy on the day of, he could of asked ahead of time if you were ok celebrating on another day. And he should know when your birthday is ahead of time and plan around it.

 

As far as saying it's lack of relationship experience, I don't buy that. Someone who cares about their partner and wants to put in the effort will do something special because they care about them, regardless if it's their first or 100th relationship.

[mortensorchid]

That is a bad sign, I'm sorry to say. I assume you made it clear that the day in question was, in fact, your birthday, and he knew it. Did he acknowledge it in any way, shape or form before? Even just saying "Oh it's on (date), right?". My last serious bf I was with last year, I took him out on his birthday for dinner in October or November, and then when my birthday rolled around in December, he barely said a word about it. Let alone did he buy me anything for Christmas. This may sound like gold digging, but this really is a sign. If he is too busy, stressed, etc. to not say even "Happy Birthday" to you on your birthday, then he's not a good person. Even if someone says something like "I'm not into things like this", there is a reason. And that reason is that he's a self centered person and for some reason he does not want to acknowledge it because that means he cares more about you than you would a friend or a sister.

 

It would also be noteworthy to remind him of it if he totally forgot. Then see what he says. But I'm sorry to say this is not a good sign. Move on.

[ffw]

I agree.

 

Frankly? I never feel like I can be honest about how I feel when he does something that upsets me because it tends to always go one of these two ways:

 

a) He feels like I'm attacking him, gets defensive, and I end up feeling bad I even brought it up. This usually happens before a resolution is reached about the original issue I wanted to discuss.

 

b) He acts like that's just further proof that we're incompatible, and it's only happening because of that. Because, of course, a couple should never have arguments nor have to put any effort into making each other happy. If we were truly meant to be, we would never have any issues...right? *sighs*

 

Does this happen every time? To be fair, no. Does it happen the majority of the time? Yes.

 

And if I don't bring it up... well, he sure doesn't... he would live in denial forever if I let him.

 

 

It seems like you guys don't really understand the basic nature of a man & woman. From your point of view, he should have shown more appreciation & affection. From his point, the bolded parts abovein part (a), is very among guys. Do you know why & when guys act this way? Even if you dumped this guy, which is a common solution for every small problem here, I bet you are going to face the same problems with the next one too.

 

Regarding your (b) point. I really hope you don't believe in soulmate concept. Every couple had & will go through issues. Is relationships just about making each other happy all the time? or Is it about coming to common terms with mutual understanding & compatability? I recommend both of you to read some books to have better understanding. GL.

[Els]

I agree.

 

Frankly? I never feel like I can be honest about how I feel when he does something that upsets me because it tends to always go one of these two ways:

 

a) He feels like I'm attacking him, gets defensive, and I end up feeling bad I even brought it up. This usually happens before a resolution is reached about the original issue I wanted to discuss.

 

b) He acts like that's just further proof that we're incompatible, and it's only happening because of that. Because, of course, a couple should never have arguments nor have to put any effort into making each other happy. If we were truly meant to be, we would never have any issues...right? *sighs*

 

Does this happen every time? To be fair, no. Does it happen the majority of the time? Yes.

 

And if I don't bring it up... well, he sure doesn't... he would live in denial forever if I let him.

 

Ugh, this really sounds quite bad. I think your 'incompatibilities' can be resolved if both of you put effort into it... but it doesn't sound like he wants to. Has he had any LTR experience at all? Surely he would know that ALL couples have issues that they need to resolve and have arguments from time to time?

 

Does he try to fix ANY of the issues that you bring up? ie does he just not like talking about it, or is he completely uninterested in putting in any effort at all?

[Arabella]

It seems like you guys don't really understand the basic nature of a man & woman. From your point of view, he should have shown more appreciation & affection. From his point, the bolded parts abovein part (a), is very among guys. Do you know why & when guys act this way? Even if you dumped this guy, which is a common solution for every small problem here, I bet you are going to face the same problems with the next one too.

 

Regarding your (b) point. I really hope you don't believe in soulmate concept. Every couple had & will go through issues. Is relationships just about making each other happy all the time? or Is it about coming to common terms with mutual understanding & compatability? I recommend both of you to read some books to have better understanding. GL.

 

You missed my point completely, my friend. I don't believe in soulmates, I believe in sticking with someone through thick and thin and ensuring I do all I can to make them (and myself) happy. HE is the one who seems to hold the perspective that every time that we have a disagreement, it's just further proof of incompatibility. A) and B) are both HIS typical reactions to my concerns or wanting to talk about things.

[Arabella]

Ugh, this really sounds quite bad. I think your 'incompatibilities' can be resolved if both of you put effort into it... but it doesn't sound like he wants to. Has he had any LTR experience at all? Surely he would know that ALL couples have issues that they need to resolve and have arguments from time to time?

 

Does he try to fix ANY of the issues that you bring up? ie does he just not like talking about it, or is he completely uninterested in putting in any effort at all?

 

That's my feelings exactly, Elswyth. These things shoudn't be any big deal in a relationship. You talk them out and move on. I try to do that every time something comes up but sometimes (not always) I get these reactions from him.

 

He was with one girl when he was very young for a few years... but the whole thing didn't pan out, nor was he particularly invested into it.

 

I have pointed out to him that I feel his communication skills could be improved, and I know he tries. It's just sometimes very difficult to get him to focus on a conversation that needs to happen ...

 

I don't mean to give the impression that he just blows me off every time because that's just not the case at all. He does try, but it takes a lot more effort than it should for him to realize that something is a problem to me and take it seriously.

[CptObvious]

you have a birthday every year. Get over it.

[Arabella]

you have a birthday every year. Get over it.

 

*Rolls eyes * Thanks for your insightful response.

[Els]

That's my feelings exactly, Elswyth. These things shoudn't be any big deal in a relationship. You talk them out and move on. I try to do that every time something comes up but sometimes (not always) I get these reactions from him.

 

He was with one girl when he was very young for a few years... but the whole thing didn't pan out, nor was he particularly invested into it.

 

I have pointed out to him that I feel his communication skills could be improved, and I know he tries. It's just sometimes very difficult to get him to focus on a conversation that needs to happen ...

 

I don't mean to give the impression that he just blows me off every time because that's just not the case at all. He does try, but it takes a lot more effort than it should for him to realize that something is a problem to me and take it seriously.

 

Well, I think some men aren't huge fans of talking about every issue in a R, as many women seem to be. Different styles of communication, and all that. I used to be incredibly frustrated with my bf treating every single long, in-depth discussion about relationship issues like a torture session of getting his nails torn out. Then I realized that 1) I was really initiating them more than we needed, instead of just relaxing and enjoying the relationship, and 2) there are briefer ways of talking about things, and 3) that even though he didn't want to talk much about it, his future actions showed that he was putting effort into rectifying the problem. I've come to accept this as his way of dealing with issues, and I'm fine with it as long as he continues to do the bolded.

 

That is why I asked you about it. What do his actions show, after you bring up a problem? Does he try to do anything about it at all?

[Arabella]

That is why I asked you about it. What do his actions show, after you bring up a problem? Does he try to do anything about it at all?

 

I understand what you mean. Our conversations are not long nor drawn out... generally happen over the span of 10-minute drives from/to places. Funny how it tends to happen when we drive because when we're at my place, he'll try to pay attention or distract his attention with ANYTHING to avoid talking about a problem (if he knows that's what I'm trying to do). I don't think he does it on purpose either... but still.

 

We would have to ask him how he feels about it, of course, but my impression is that ANY talking about issues no matter how brief and/or painless is too much talking.

 

He does usually do something about it after it's been brought up.. but sometimes it never even gets that far because I can't bring it up as he keeps blowing/putting off the conversation.

[Els]

Hrrm. Well, I don't think this in itself is insurmountable, if he does something about it after. But compounded with all the other issues (lack of interest on both your parts perhaps?), the way he seems to put his friends above you, etc, I'm not sure if it's WORTH surmounting, if you get my point. Only you can decide if it is.

[Arabella]

@Elswyth: Kinda getting that feeling of "not worth it" myself. If he doesn't care, why should I?

 

Just hoping I'm wrong about him and he somehow realizes how this has made me feel and does something about it. If he just acts like nothing happened then I'll know exactly how much he doesn't care about me.

 

Not holding my breath, but... who knows?

[Arabella]

Update:

 

So he surprised me after all.

 

Monday morning before 9 am, he texted wanting to pick me up at work and take me to lunch. As it so happens, my office was closing at noon due to the hurricane, so it all worked out.

 

As soon as I got into the car, he brought up the topic and apologized. I accepted his apology and he reiterated that he would make it up to me. We went to lunch and had a nice afternoon together.

 

Later, we discussed the topic some more. Apparently, the last time he gave a gift to someone, it was two years ago. It is not usually done in his family, either. I asked him why he hadn't planned for it ahead of time, and he said his plan was to get me flowers and a card, and then due to the day's events he never got a chance to. He stated he's just really bad at planning things. I know this to be true.

 

So, right now we're okay. I'm still hurt about the way he acted over the weekend, but he did seem sincerely sorry about it, and he promised to make it up to me.

 

Now whether he will actually do it or not, that's an entirely different matter... but for now, I am satisfied that he knew he had done something wrong and addressed the situation right away.

 

-A