zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Let me start off saying that I care but I dont. My former lover has been in and out of my life because I finally stopped accepting crumbs. In the last 3 months he and I only had sex once (last week). My feelings arent as strong as they once were but I still care. Last night I went to a party he invited me to. I declined but he insisted on me coming. I declined again and finally after the third plea, I went. I get there and its 4 girls (including me) and 5 guys. Everyone was drinking and having a good time. Being the man whore my lover is, I assumed he probably slept with at least 2 of us in that room (his female bff). Even though, they were acting "normal" I could sense that they were comfortable with each other and it made me wish that was us. I left. Not out of jealousy, but I didnt feel like I belonged there. He rented a few rooms that night and told me I could have stayed in one and he would make sure I was alright, but it would have killed me to know that she and he would be together possibly. Again I dont know how far their friendship goes but Im assuming they at least get it in a few times... Why even invite me if other women you are having sex with is there? We talked about 3somes in the past but surely he didnt expect that to go down. He didnt even mention it but I dont understand why he wanted me there.
phineas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 You need to look up the definition of self respect. 2
AsItIs Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Zanesfan, The people on this forum are extremely mean & I'm tired of it.All I can say is,I'm sorry & please don't have any contact with him....ever again! Guys are able to cut you out emotionally & still have sex,if you let them.I'm sure he would have sex with you again & again, if you let him.As much as you say you are not that hurt by it,I'm pretty sure that you're still pretty hurt.Please give yourself some alone time & grieve the end of the relationship....and don't ever talk to him again.It's only gonna prolong the pain. Edited October 27, 2012 by AsItIs 2
january2011 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 My advice is to stay away from former FWBs and guys who keep in touch with their exes, especially if he socialises with them regularly. Sounds like he wanted to keep you in his harem. NC forever is the best strategy for this kind of man, in my opinion. 1
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 You need to look up the definition of self respect. How did I disrespect myself? I went to a party he invited me to and left? Do I care about him, yes. Do I have feelings for him, yes. Does that make me a bad person because I havent completely gotten over him... although I am trying?
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Zanesfan, Guys are able to cut you out emotionally & still have sex,if you let them.I'm sure he would have sex with you again & again, if you let him.As much as you say you are not that hurt by it,I'm pretty sure that you're still pretty hurt.Please give yourself some alone time & grieve the end of the relationship....and don't ever talk to him again.It's only gonna prolong the pain. Tell me about it. But the only reason why I went was because I was bored at home with nothing else to do. I was suppose to drop by for a little bit and then go hang out with my other guy friend. But I went home instead. I didnt know it was gonna be such a small crowd until I got there. I didnt feel uncomfortable because everyone was pleasant. And yes, getting over him is next on my list. I swear being bored and lonely doesnt mix.
xxoo Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Why even invite me if other women you are having sex with is there? Because he's self-centered. It feels good to him, so why wouldn't it feel good to you? Or because he's self-centered and cruel. He knows it will hurt you, but doesn't care because it feels good to him.
phineas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 How did I disrespect myself? I went to a party he invited me to and left? Do I care about him, yes. Do I have feelings for him, yes. Does that make me a bad person because I havent completely gotten over him... although I am trying? You were his booty call a week ago. You knew you shouldn't of even gone to the party, yet you still went. If you were really trying to get over him, you would go No contact & never speak to him again. Otherwise, what is going to happen is you are going to keep getting jerked around by him until HE decides he's done with you.
phineas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Zanesfan, The people on this forum are extremely mean & I'm tired of it.All I can say is,I'm sorry & please don't have any contact with him....ever again! Guys are able to cut you out emotionally & still have sex,if you let them.I'm sure he would have sex with you again & again, if you let him.As much as you say you are not that hurt by it,I'm pretty sure that you're still pretty hurt.Please give yourself some alone time & grieve the end of the relationship....and don't ever talk to him again.It's only gonna prolong the pain. People don't sugar coat it here. you want people to tell you what you want to hear then get pissed when they don't do it & call us mean. LOL! 1
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 You were his booty call a week ago. You knew you shouldn't of even gone to the party, yet you still went. If you were really trying to get over him, you would go No contact & never speak to him again. Otherwise, what is going to happen is you are going to keep getting jerked around by him until HE decides he's done with you. One thing I wish some people had the ability to realize is that sex is not always just fun for the guy. You know women enjoy it too. I totally understand where you are coming from and I dont mean to get defensive but me going to his party was just that, me going to his party. I was disrespected, we didnt have sex, we just hung out.
phineas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 One thing I wish some people had the ability to realize is that sex is not always just fun for the guy. You know women enjoy it too. I totally understand where you are coming from and I dont mean to get defensive but me going to his party was just that, me going to his party. I was disrespected, we didnt have sex, we just hung out. But, you clearly want more than just sex. 1
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 That is true, I DID want more. But now not so much. I'm fine with just where we are now. I do deserve better. But my ego is all over the place.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 That is true, I DID want more. But now not so much. I'm fine with just where we are now. I do deserve better. But my ego is all over the place. You know, that's what gets me...why does a guy need to make you scrape the bottom of the barrel to realize that this isn't going to work out? Is that really necessary? I guess it is, because when you have no choice it but accept the reality then you're like "it's ok where we are now" until he gives you a reason for that not to be good enough either, then you'll react as "well this is no good for me, i have to move on...this sucks" It's fricken ridiculous and sad to say the least, because most men have ***** for brains when it comes to things like this and the only reason they can even slightly get away with this crap is because you allow it and have the emotions for it, if this was a girlfriend of yours you'd be shaking your head at the reality, but no no, always ok to let it go if its yourself, it's sad that women allow themselves to be treated this way and then complain...don't complain, just take it because you're the one putting yourself through it, the man isn't smart enough to pull the wool over your eyes, you're clearly seeing what he thinks about you and how much he values you, what do you think is going to change? you know what men do instead? they push the limits! they see how far and how stupid you're willing to be to give them what they want...it boosts their ego as well as gives them another reason not to respect you even less than they already do. The guy essentially dragged you like a whore to a brothel, where I'm sure he's slept with other women and some of these other guys as well hoping they'd get you guys foolish enough to do something embarrassing and regrettable...all in the name of having fun and letting loose, hence the hotel rooms you can conveniently crash in...so no-no-no, no worries, get as drunk as you'd like, stay the night, you've got nowhere to go!, you'll be safe with me Can women just be realistic for one moment in their lives with a relationship...the guy is using you, that's why you exist in his life, I'm sorry that it hurts, I'm sorry that pink butterflies don't swoop down from a snow covered heart and bring rays of sunshine upon this union...It's not going to happen. Fool me once, shame on you...feel me twice, shame on me...and every time after that it's me, me, me. Good luck "trying to get over" him while being his part-time lover, this surely means the next guy should go all out and pay for the suffering of this experience that you are putting yourself through, surely you are not responsible and accountable for your own choices and decisions...nope, emotions win the day, that'll be your excuse, because bob forbid you choose yourself over him, maybe that's how you get treated right by men...but no that couldn't possibly be it, you're such a helpless victim. We know you care, you're trying not to care but you do, don't fool yourself with any head strong "level-headed" decisions, like a crack head you'll be on this drugs until he stops supplying the crack. And as far as being mean, if you want heart-felt consoling advice that gets you absolutely nowhere then the forum is a bad idea then, people who care about you like your friends and family and who are more likely to butter up the truth and reality so that they do not make you feel worse or bad "oh he's an @sshole, you deserve better than that", all the while you repeat the same mistakes with him over and over and over again. They're the ones that have to endure that, the forums are the one place people tell you the truth because they have no reason not to be objective, that's the reality, not that people are just mean here, they just say what they really want to say. I feel sorry for you and other women who make similar choices, they bring upon themselves so much heartache and disappointment, but at the end of the day it's you making the choice for yourself so I don't blame the men for everything when they're idiots and not even really capable of fooling anyone on their own. 1
utterer of lies Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 The people on this forum are extremely mean Indeed. They are so mean, they even tell you what you should hear instead of what you want to hear. Bastards. 2
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 The guy essentially dragged you like a whore to a brothel, where I'm sure he's slept with other women and some of these other guys as well hoping they'd get you guys foolish enough to do something embarrassing and regrettable...all in the name of having fun and letting loose, hence the hotel rooms you can conveniently crash in...so no-no-no, no worries, get as drunk as you'd like, stay the night, you've got nowhere to go!, you'll be safe with me Can women just be realistic for one moment in their lives with a relationship...the guy is using you, that's why you exist in his life We know you care, you're trying not to care but you do, don't fool yourself with any head strong "level-headed" decisions, like a crack head you'll be on this drugs until he stops supplying the crack. Ouch... the truth hurts. After reading this, it makes a whole lot of sense. Your right, shame on me. Honesty, I didnt think I was going to be in that type of setting. I knew it was going to be a hotel, but from the flyer that was given, I assumed it was an open space in the hotel and the rooms were only for couples who wanted to stay. I was under the assumption that it was going to be a big event hence the facebook rsvp. When I got there, it was inside the room. I stayed a good 45 minutes and then I left. I did get a sense that it was about getting drunk and freaky. I didnt go there for that. To be honest, I dont know how to move on. I've tried no contact.. from days to weeks to months. And when I get that fb add, text, or call... Im always open to talk to him. It is hard. But please believe I TRULY want to be done with this. I always let him know my feelings but Im always polite but stern. I just dont know what to do or how to really get the point across. I am forgiving but its almost like I like this dysfunctional ride otherwise I wouldnt accept this behavior. Guys, I need help. How should I make sure I never hear from him again? Part of me likes the attention but Im tired of this at the same time.
xxoo Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Guys, I need help. How should I make sure I never hear from him again? Part of me likes the attention but Im tired of this at the same time. Print out what Ninja posted and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Tape it to the back of your phone. Tape it to your computer screen. Change the picture in your mind of who this guy is. He's cruel, and nasty. He's exciting and a good lay, but that's all he can offer you--and you pay with your self-respect. 1
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 You know, that's what gets me...why does a guy need to make you scrape the bottom of the barrel to realize that this isn't going to work out? Is that really necessary? I guess it is, because when you have no choice it but accept the reality then you're like "it's ok where we are now" until he gives you a reason for that not to be good enough either, What I meant when I said, I like where we are, I meant Im not hoping something magical works out. I did at one point and it didnt work out. Im glad Im still not wishing on that star. Should I have not had sex with him.. yeah. I guess it is more about sex at this point. Something is clearly not registering with me.
utterer of lies Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Guys, I need help. How should I make sure I never hear from him again? Part of me likes the attention but Im tired of this at the same time. The problem is not never hearing from him again, but making sure you don't act on it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Ouch... the truth hurts. After reading this, it makes a whole lot of sense. Your right, shame on me. Honesty, I didnt think I was going to be in that type of setting. I knew it was going to be a hotel, but from the flyer that was given, I assumed it was an open space in the hotel and the rooms were only for couples who wanted to stay. I was under the assumption that it was going to be a big event hence the facebook rsvp. When I got there, it was inside the room. I stayed a good 45 minutes and then I left. I did get a sense that it was about getting drunk and freaky. I didnt go there for that. To be honest, I dont know how to move on. I've tried no contact.. from days to weeks to months. And when I get that fb add, text, or call... Im always open to talk to him. It is hard. But please believe I TRULY want to be done with this. I always let him know my feelings but Im always polite but stern. I just dont know what to do or how to really get the point across. I am forgiving but its almost like I like this dysfunctional ride otherwise I wouldnt accept this behavior. Guys, I need help. How should I make sure I never hear from him again? Part of me likes the attention but Im tired of this at the same time. I don't think you knew exactly what you were getting into either to an extent, I think you realized it seemed a little odd, especially after being so insistent that you go...but then you go and realize, that maybe he wanted you to be there for other reasons than to chat...because he's got other women around, one that clearly seems to be involved. Women are good at picking that up from other women, they also know when there is competition present...I can almost guarantee most of them know what you are to him, especially if he's playing two or three women at the same time...which honestly I'm not sure if he's that competent because he's not so smooth but he definitely rolled the dice to see if things would just happen in his favor...definitely think it was a setup without a doubt. I believe apart of you wants to get out of this (logically) but emotionally you are kind of ok with the situation. You're settling for this dysfunction because of your own personal issues, he makes you feel a certain way that is something that you internalize...abandonment issues, insecurity issues, I know it seems like love but it isn't, it's you putting yourself through a meat grinder because it brings out the emotions and experience you get to relive and connect with, he's not doing much to give you a reason to feel this way it's more of your own thoughts and emotions that materialize a reality that isn't present...basically you're having this "relationship" on your own, he's just spinning the wheel enough to keep it going. This should put up a big red flag on you as well. I know it always seems like people are doing things to you but you can't let anyone do to you that you won't allow unless they are physically forcing you to, so otherwise it's really your own decision and will to be here. You're not going to be done with this until you decide that this isn't making you happy and what you want anymore...usually that comes after a lot of pushing away from the man, and countless days of heartbreak and tears, what this man does it tear you down and make you feel even less worthy as a person. There's a certain self-loathing satisfaction in that, and eventually you won't believe you even deserve or can get any better. What a man takes from you through this kind of experience is far more than just the surface of where you like to believe things are...like just sex or intimacy, that's really a crock of crap, that's you being in denial of your own emotions and what you're really after, because if you admit to yourself the truth and what this is really about and accept that then you can't continue on with this anymore. I see women do this all around me, all of the time, I'm not sure why it's so prevalent and common, but I know it's not the men...the men are tools and douchebags that are their own wouldn't swoon any woman that wasn't actually in it and blinded by their emotions, anyone else on the outside can see how childish and typical things are panning out...but for many women it's like the old disappearing thumb trick that instead of just working as a kid keeps working into adulthood, it's like they never want to accept that it wasn't real. There's too much to me to address in one or several points, it would take me ages to explain and break things down to you, and If I were with you in person I could see your own insecurities that cause you to go down this road and choose emotionally unavailable men, but I can assure you until you address your own issues it's likely you will choose another man of the same quality, you'll always notice that women seem to date the same guy...it's no coincidence, it's what they are attracted to, they attracted to what they can't have and when a man doesn't give in, the ones they do they typically find boring and too easy...it's like self abuse from childhood. I'm not saying this is necessarily you, but like most people you're probably not aware and have done enough reflection to even understand yourself. In the end, you'll walk away from this when it's just too much to take anymore...unless you have an epiphany and realize what this really is and see the wool that you've pulled over your eyes and realize the reality of the situation. You'll get there one way or another, but you've gotta be brave enough to really search within yourself for the answers, a lot of people aren't ready to do that they'd rather distract themselves with destructive relationships such as this.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 What I meant when I said, I like where we are, I meant Im not hoping something magical works out. I did at one point and it didnt work out. Im glad Im still not wishing on that star. Should I have not had sex with him.. yeah. I guess it is more about sex at this point. Something is clearly not registering with me. You're thinking that maybe there's something more to it than just the sex, it's just denial. The hard honest truth is he's more than likely if not guaranteed having sex with one or two other women in the exact same way, you are likely expendable but he'd never admit that to you outright.
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 You're thinking that maybe there's something more to it than just the sex, it's just denial. The hard honest truth is he's more than likely if not guaranteed having sex with one or two other women in the exact same way, you are likely expendable but he'd never admit that to you outright. Im sure he is. I'm positive I am not the only one he is screwing. Im sure he got some last night. I can agree there are certain issues within myself that I need to work on. It's almost like playing with fire... only I like it. I have to be stronger than this. I felt like up until a certain point, I was doing good. And then bam.. I get horny and here we go again.
xdahliax Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Im sure he is. I'm positive I am not the only one he is screwing. Im sure he got some last night. I can agree there are certain issues within myself that I need to work on. It's almost like playing with fire... only I like it. I have to be stronger than this. I felt like up until a certain point, I was doing good. And then bam.. I get horny and here we go again. Do you know how many men are on earth in the event that you feel that way? Like 3.5 billion. Find another guy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Im sure he is. I'm positive I am not the only one he is screwing. Im sure he got some last night. I can agree there are certain issues within myself that I need to work on. It's almost like playing with fire... only I like it. I have to be stronger than this. I felt like up until a certain point, I was doing good. And then bam.. I get horny and here we go again. It's exciting and feels dangerous/wrong, it's an appealing quality, and when he's with you, you may feel like the only girl in the world that matters, trust me I get it. You're lucky he's not better at what he's doing or he could really have you wrapped up and manipulated on a whole other level, you're essentially a prime target and screaming "take advantage of me and use me" to any man who has that kind of radar and knowledge, men can do a lot more damage, it's a good thing the majority of men don't understand women enough to do that, it's not because some wouldn't want to though. You're very susceptible to repeating this vicious cycle, in all honesty you sound pretty screwed for the time being, especially the little light bulb goes on in his brain and he realizes he can suck you right back in, feeding you a little BS...just enough for you to hang onto with him. You're not going to get anywhere living in the clouds, which is where you are still at, because he could call you up and make you look like a fool and idiot all over again as if nothing that was said here or anything else you know or felt made any difference...it's like the lights are on in your head but nobody's home.
Author zanesfan Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 You're very susceptible to repeating this vicious cycle, in all honesty you sound pretty screwed for the time being, especially the little light bulb goes on in his brain and he realizes he can suck you right back in, feeding you a little BS...just enough for you to hang onto with him. You're not going to get anywhere living in the clouds, which is where you are still at, because he could call you up and make you look like a fool and idiot all over again as if nothing that was said here or anything else you know or felt made any difference...it's like the lights are on in your head but nobody's home. Ugh, your right. I dont know how many time he has given me days or weeks to cool off and then we are right back to where we started. I dont intend for it to go back to dysfunction but it does. And its always a little bs. I fall hook, line, and sinker everytime. I cant believe Im sitting here rehashing something that should have been over months ago. I think I need to work on me and my self esteem. Because this cat and mouse game is getting far too dangerous for me to handle. Im sure he doesnt have a care in the world for how I feel. Meanwhile, Im stuck dealing with the bs he and I created.
Recommended Posts