What's wrong with me?

[Inflikted]

As someone with absolutely no dating experience whatsoever, who's been trying to start building up more of a social life (but having little luck thus far) and get out more, I'm finding myself a bit frustrated. I don't particularly have problems being friendly and "playful" with girls, but I never really "connect" with any in a "more than friends" kind of way. I feel like my mindset towards dating is a bit... obtuse, compared to the average person.

 

I've never been been the type to meet a new girl and immediately think "Ooh, she's pretty, I'd like to go out with her" or "She seems nice, I'll ask her for her number". I need time to figure that out. I want to know how well I get along with a girl and how compatible we are before I can decide if I want to pursue her or not. I don't want to go out on a date with a complete stranger. I have zero interest in that. Heck, with the last girl I was actually interested in, I knew her for just over a year before I realized I liked her enough to want to get out with her (although, way before I knew that, I did have random thoughts about her and I, but I always wrote them off up until a couple months ago), though she wasn't able to say yes, so that of course didn't work out.

 

Being that I haven't had much luck building up a social life for myself, I'm not really meeting new girls very often at all, and even if I started meeting new girls, it would probably take at least a few months of me knowing them for me to decide if I wanted to pursue any of them.

 

Which leaves me in a fairly frustrating situation. To make matters worse, once I decide I do like a girl, I kinda let myself get too attached, because I don't meet very many girls I feel I'm a good "match" with. Case in point, the girl I described previously is still in the back of my mind (granted, I still know her, and see her fairly regularly), and deep down, I still have lingering thoughts about whether we could still give it a shot when her situation clears up. So, I take rejections a bit harder, because I don't feel there's very many girls out there for me that I'd actually "connect" with.

 

But what else can I do? I don't think I can ever do the "cold approach" thing, or date girls without knowing them a bit. I just don't see the appeal in that at all, and I have to know someone a bit before I decide if I want to get closer to them.

[Mrlonelyone]

The trick is to focus on meeting new people, not just new women. The next time you go out try and strike up conversations with people you wouldn't date. Just talk to people and get to know them, make friends. Go to the same place and hang out, be it a coffee shop or bar or club or activity and just talk to people. Not everyone will like you but some will. Those friends will connect you with their friends. While hanging out with them you will find women to date.

 

Have you just moved to a new place or something? Why are you so alone?

[Inflikted]

Have you just moved to a new place or something? Why are you so alone?

 

Nope, been living in the same place for over ten years. Had a super rough time in high school, being bullied by pretty much everyone. Did nothing for a whole year after high school because I was just so tired of everything. Got a part time job and started college in '08, and have been doing both ever since.

 

I also had an irrational fear of driving, so I never got a driver's license (but I got that taken care of finally, a couple months ago, when I decided to ask out the girl I described). I was embarrassed about that, and not being able to get around, so any time people would try to include me or invite me places, I always turned them down. As far as college goes, lately, I've pretty much been taking all my classes online, because I like being able to work at the stuff at my own pace, and whatnot. Even when I was actually physically attending classes, I wasn't really meeting anyone, though.

 

There are people in my life (mostly coworkers and former coworkers) that I'd like to spend more time with and actually become "friends" with, but I can't seem to get anyone to agree to getting together, going out, and doing stuff.

[Mrlonelyone]

I was embarrassed about that, and not being able to get around, so any time people would try to include me or invite me places, I always turned them down. As far as college goes, lately, I've pretty much been taking all my classes online, because I like being able to work at the stuff at my own pace, and whatnot. Even when I was actually physically attending classes, I wasn't really meeting anyone, though.

 

There are people in my life (mostly coworkers and former coworkers) that I'd like to spend more time with and actually become "friends" with, but I can't seem to get anyone to agree to getting together, going out, and doing stuff.

 

I totally understand what you are saying. Being so rejected at such an age can really mess people up. People did ask you out to do things but you rejected them out of fear that they would reject you.

 

In a sense by taking courses online you are pre-rejecting the people in college too.

 

Try these steps.

 

Take classes on campus.

Hang out on campus.

Interact with random people while on campus.

While at work try to be friendly to your coworkers. Get to know them and let them get to know you.

 

Seriously consider seeing a councilor, colleges often have them on hand for little or no cost to you. They can help people deal with massive social rejection in healthy ways. You don't have to the the @$$holes from highschool ruin your life forever.

[xdahliax]

The thing is...you sort of have to give people a chance, whether you're sure about them or not, because not many relationships are just going to grow organically. They all require you do be uncomfortable at first and to do things you don't necessarily want to do.

 

I think you have to step out of your comfort zone, little by little, until you feel like you can get through a coffee date with someone you barely know. It's a lot of work but no pain, no gain.

[ScreamingTrees]

The thing is...you sort of have to give people a chance, whether you're sure about them or not, because not many relationships are just going to grow organically. They all require you do be uncomfortable at first and to do things you don't necessarily want to do.

 

I think you have to step out of your comfort zone, little by little, until you feel like you can get through a coffee date with someone you barely know. It's a lot of work but no pain, no gain.

 

Seems that the guy's problem is that he HAS reached out, even to total strangers that he has no intent of dating because they're not his type, or they're guys, and he claims he can't even hold another person's interest for a FRIENDSHIP..

 

I say that a majority of people are so engrossed in their own little personal lives that they won't be open to any new friendly faces. That's my experience, especially when we're dealing with people at the work place..

 

I'm at the point where I won't go out of my way making plans with someone who'll nod their head and smile when I suggest something, yet I won't hear from them at all when the day comes to actually meet up and see a movie or go bowling or whatever it was that we both agreed on.

[xdahliax]

Seems that the guy's problem is that he HAS reached out, even to total strangers that he has no intent of dating because they're not his type, or they're guys, and he claims he can't even hold another person's interest for a FRIENDSHIP..

 

I say that a majority of people are so engrossed in their own little personal lives that they won't be open to any new friendly faces. That's my experience, especially when we're dealing with people at the work place..

 

I'm at the point where I won't go out of my way making plans with someone who'll nod their head and smile when I suggest something, yet I won't hear from them at all when the day comes to actually meet up and see a movie or go bowling or whatever it was that we both agreed on.

 

OP:

I've never been been the type to meet a new girl and immediately think "Ooh, she's pretty, I'd like to go out with her" or "She seems nice, I'll ask her for her number". I need time to figure that out. I want to know how well I get along with a girl and how compatible we are before I can decide if I want to pursue her or not. I don't want to go out on a date with a complete stranger. I have zero interest in that.

 

Inflikted has made some efforts with coworkers, but he's still really short of stepping out of his comfort zone.

[ScreamingTrees]

OP:

I've never been been the type to meet a new girl and immediately think "Ooh, she's pretty, I'd like to go out with her" or "She seems nice, I'll ask her for her number". I need time to figure that out. I want to know how well I get along with a girl and how compatible we are before I can decide if I want to pursue her or not. I don't want to go out on a date with a complete stranger. I have zero interest in that.

 

Inflikted has made some efforts with coworkers, but he's still really short of stepping out of his comfort zone.

 

Well, then, I don't understand his problem.. He says he can't get anyone to hang out? People who KNOW him already? Huh.

 

Maybe I just placed an overemphasis on this line when I was reading: "There are people in my life (mostly coworkers and former coworkers) that I'd like to spend more time with and actually become "friends" with, but I can't seem to get anyone to agree to getting together, going out, and doing stuff."

 

because I could relate to it somewhat. Although I've basically just given up on those people, they weren't really in my life.

[Inflikted]

The thing is...you sort of have to give people a chance, whether you're sure about them or not, because not many relationships are just going to grow organically. They all require you do be uncomfortable at first and to do things you don't necessarily want to do.

 

I think you have to step out of your comfort zone, little by little, until you feel like you can get through a coffee date with someone you barely know. It's a lot of work but no pain, no gain.

 

But I don't feel I can approach strangers (women for dating or guys for friends) because I need some kind of "basis" for approaching them in the first place. For instance, with girls, I'm really not so much concerned with looks, so again, I wouldn't notice a "pretty" girl and just want to go out with her. I like observing and carefully picking the people I make an effort to open up to, and that takes a bit of time.

 

Well, then, I don't understand his problem.. He says he can't get anyone to hang out? People who KNOW him already? Huh.

 

Maybe I just placed an overemphasis on this line when I was reading: "There are people in my life (mostly coworkers and former coworkers) that I'd like to spend more time with and actually become "friends" with, but I can't seem to get anyone to agree to getting together, going out, and doing stuff."

 

because I could relate to it somewhat. Although I've basically just given up on those people, they weren't really in my life.

 

Well, it's exactly what it sounds like. Let me lay down a timeline to (hopefully) make it make more sense.

 

- Coworkers and whatnot invited me out and tried to include me in things, but because I was embarrassed about not having a driver's license, and just generally nervous about making friends, I always declined.

- Two months ago, I overcame my silly driving fear and decided I wanted to build a social life for myself.

- Since then, I've been talking to coworkers and reaching out to former coworkers I liked a lot, trying to get something going, but I can never really nail down anything with anyone. The most I get are vague "We'll see" or "I'll let you know", then not much after that.