4givrnt4gtr Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Im in a 6 month relationship with a man who is pretty amazing. I love him very much and we get along great.. The only problem im seeing is that he isn't as fond of animals as I am. I have 2 cats (and a dog not too long ago, more on that later), and from the get go, I can tell he isn't too pleased with the pets. He says that he knows Im a package deal and that he loves too, but I can tell by his behavior and some of his comments that he doesn't Actually, going back on the dog, I had this 2 year old dog who was abused as a puppy. By the time I got him he was a mess of anxiety and fear. For the first year and a half he was just a shy little puppy who would bark and hide. When I met my boyfriend I would bring him over to his place when I spent the night just so I wouldnt leave the dog alone. Well the dog hated my bf's roommate and would bark at him incessantly. My boyfriend would get really anxious because of the noise and I could tell he was somewhat irritated. So I decided that I wouldnt take him over anymore and instead would come home early in the morning. Eventually the puppy started to become aggressive. My boyfriend never told me to get rid of him, but he would often look at me with this "you shouldn't be doing this" sort of pity look whenever he saw me coming home to clean up after the dog after a 14 hour day. Once I told him I was thinking to rehome the puppy and he seemed pretty happy about that. Well long story short my dog bit a me and a couple of people, including a trainer who told me she couldn't help him. That, my lack of money and noone wanting to take him because he was aggressive (plus my vet's recommendation, as it seemed like the dog had a brain problem), made me make the decision to put the dog down. Ofcourse I am more than sad about this, specially because it very recent, and I wonder if part of my decision was also influenced by my knowledge of my bf not liking the dog (and my whole family telling me to get rid of it, but thats another story). Well, so today he tells me that he can't come over because he needs to get some sleep. Later he called me and basically told me he can't sleep when he is in my apartment because one of my cats loves him to death and is always all over him. So now Im feeling like he is hinting about the cats be gone too. Under no circumstance that is going to happen, and I told him that I am more than happy to accomodate him by putting the offending cat in another room. He said he just needs to figure out how to make it work so he can get some sleep and that being with me is worth not sleeping but it definitely made me feel guilty. We have talked about moving in together but now Im concerned that this problem of him not being too fond of the animals will only get worse when we live together. Im more than happy to compromise and, for instance, not let the cats in our room, but I wonder if that will be enough. Any experiences/comments about this type of situation?
Hawaii50 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) I've always found it extremely annoying/selfish when a significant other belittles the amount of sleep I need. Especially one who isn't working as hard/long as I have that your day/week. They don't realize that by sacrificng a few extra hours with you, or fighting with a cat for sleep IS going to effect ME tomorrow.. not you. ME. And then the next day/night when I'm even more tired we'll go through this again. It's just not healthy or hygienic to have animals in the bed, me thinks. As for pets...keep them out the bed, first and foremost. I think it's disgusting to have pets in bed. the hair, the whatevers, the annoyance of having a friggin' animal (other than the sexually aroused self) in bed. Your bf wanted to get some rest and I can totally understand him not wanting to come over if it means 1... he'll be up a lot later playing with you, and 2, he'll be pawed at, licked, cuddled by some cat-that he doesn't like to begin with and only tolerates because you love him. As most men will do. I was on a first date on my last visit to civilization. This exact topic came up, and I held firm. It was awkward but whatever.. i don't think pets should be in beds. It's weird to be hollowing out a woman only to have to push a dog over to get a betting grip/footing. >>dog stares<< or even worse, one of those dogs that can't determine between sex and violence and freaks out when people are screwing... anyways, the woman laid me, but the animal in bed thing was a deal-breaker for us and we knew it then and there. Edit: this woman had a friggin zoo in her house.. it was a weird and akin to a guy having a shelf full toys/video games. Women just don't go there. I don't have many domains that I will claim and stand up for and my bed is one of em', Edited October 27, 2012 by Hawaii50
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Hm you know, though I dont agree that inside cats are unhygienic in the bed, I do recognize its not everyone's cup of tea (to cuddle with a furballs) Which is why I am more than happy to compromise. Unfortunately I live in a small single apartment, and there isn't space for me to put the cats in another room for a long time. I can only put one in the bathroom, as I already know she sleeps well in there, but the other one doesn't have a place to go. (thankfully he isnt the one jumping on my bf) But my concern is more long term. Right now I know we can manage by either me putting my kitty in the bathroom at night or by me going over to his place, but what will happen if we do move in together? will he eventually want me to get rid of the pets altogether? (will not happen. Period.) Thats why Im asking if anyone has experience with that, because if say we manage for now, could it work long term? Anyone living with pets they dont like but stand because of their SO or vice versa?.
todreaminblue Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Im in a 6 month relationship with a man who is pretty amazing. I love him very much and we get along great.. The only problem im seeing is that he isn't as fond of animals as I am. I have 2 cats (and a dog not too long ago, more on that later), and from the get go, I can tell he isn't too pleased with the pets. He says that he knows Im a package deal and that he loves too, but I can tell by his behavior and some of his comments that he doesn't Actually, going back on the dog, I had this 2 year old dog who was abused as a puppy. By the time I got him he was a mess of anxiety and fear. For the first year and a half he was just a shy little puppy who would bark and hide. When I met my boyfriend I would bring him over to his place when I spent the night just so I wouldnt leave the dog alone. Well the dog hated my bf's roommate and would bark at him incessantly. My boyfriend would get really anxious because of the noise and I could tell he was somewhat irritated. So I decided that I wouldnt take him over anymore and instead would come home early in the morning. Eventually the puppy started to become aggressive. My boyfriend never told me to get rid of him, but he would often look at me with this "you shouldn't be doing this" sort of pity look whenever he saw me coming home to clean up after the dog after a 14 hour day. Once I told him I was thinking to rehome the puppy and he seemed pretty happy about that. Well long story short my dog bit a me and a couple of people, including a trainer who told me she couldn't help him. That, my lack of money and noone wanting to take him because he was aggressive (plus my vet's recommendation, as it seemed like the dog had a brain problem), made me make the decision to put the dog down. Ofcourse I am more than sad about this, specially because it very recent, and I wonder if part of my decision was also influenced by my knowledge of my bf not liking the dog (and my whole family telling me to get rid of it, but thats another story). Well, so today he tells me that he can't come over because he needs to get some sleep. Later he called me and basically told me he can't sleep when he is in my apartment because one of my cats loves him to death and is always all over him. So now Im feeling like he is hinting about the cats be gone too. Under no circumstance that is going to happen, and I told him that I am more than happy to accomodate him by putting the offending cat in another room. He said he just needs to figure out how to make it work so he can get some sleep and that being with me is worth not sleeping but it definitely made me feel guilty. We have talked about moving in together but now Im concerned that this problem of him not being too fond of the animals will only get worse when we live together. Im more than happy to compromise and, for instance, not let the cats in our room, but I wonder if that will be enough. Any experiences/comments about this type of situation? I am a farm girl at heart i have a menagerie of animals mainly from havign a tribe of children..my son had a snake called snoopy.....he hid in my clean washing once and seeing i have a snake phobia i found him.....traumatised... over the years i have had some interesting pets....and had to look after interesting pets....when an animal is lost its more or less if its in my suburb it ends up on my door dogs runaway to come stay i kid you not i own two collies now because of this the owners surrendered them to me..they knew the kids loved them and they loved the kids..blue tongues that are injured magpies, native birds all seem to end up at my house.....i have cats i am not fond of cats because of their insatiable desire to eat the natives..i have rescued a lot of lizards and birds from my cats....it is one thing about cats i really dont like.....but my children like them .....i own a rottie she is mine..she licks people to death....when i move to a farm the collies deserve to live on a farm......they will come with me..so will the rottie i have seen where rotties are supposed to herd animals here is the youtube video that shows i dont think my rottie will be a herder...she was afraid of moths on a pier the cats will stay with the kids or they will be put to work ratting on a farm they are all desexed so no kittens ..i would hope that your boyfriend is a little understanding and he does seem to be concerning your animals i completely understand why a man wouldnt want cats in the bedroom they knock things over i lost a tv this week because of a cat.....they dont care what they do....they are independant creatures......they never grow up until they are too old to move much...... i am an animal lover i try to keep the animals out of my room breathing in cat hair when you go to lie on your pillow aint fun....tickles the nose.....i think you should talk to your bf and come to a compromise...bedrooms though should be off limits to cats.....i think just talking to your bf will help....best wishes with an animalia life.....deb
iris219 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I don’t want to make you feel bad, but leaving a special needs dog for 14 hours a day and frequently overnight was a mistake. You’ve already made decisions that ended in tragedy. Please don’t do it again. There’s nothing wrong with you compromising and keeping the cats out of the bedroom, but I have feeling it won’t be enough. Sounds like you guys have a compatibility issue. FWIW, my ex and I broke up over our dogs, and this was after being together for years (and I have no regrets). My dog's safety and well-being comes first. 3
Feelin Frisky Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) I can't stand being put in a place where I come in second to an animal. That is ego crushing. So it's something I make it a point to find out about right away and make a decision on. I just have no use for taking care of animals--I don't like anything about them. They are cute on TV but not on my lap. Too bad some people seem to think that makes me a horrible person but I'm a very loving person--for other humans tyvm. Edited October 27, 2012 by Feelin Frisky
veggirl Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 This is a tough one. I make it a policy now to feel a guy out about pets right away. I have a cat who hates other animals so if he has pets it's best just to not get involved. If he hates cats, I would introduce him to mine cause EVERYONE loves my cat and go from there. I would cut someone out pretty early on about this though, it's just easier to avoid the situation you are in. Not that that helps you now of course...so I digress. Anyway, I don't know what I would do. I would never give up my cat and I'm not going to alter her routine/life for a guy. If you guys were to move in, would it be a bigger place? Where the cats can be kept somewhere else at night, or you just shut your bedroom door? That's probably the easiest solution. IDK my cat sleeps with me in the winter and did so even when I was with my ex, though I did try to keep her off of him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Thanks for the replies and the suggestions. I will for sure keep the cats out of my bedroom (when I have a bedroom that is) as I also dont enjoy hair all over my clothes and bed. Im just concerned that its not just about the cats in the bedroom, its about my boyfriend not really liking them much (although I can tell he is getting attached to one of the cats at least) Now the question isn't whether I should get rid of the cats because I wont. Not for him, not for anyone. My questions is whether someone has been in this same situation or similar and your SO or you have grown used to or to even like the pets and things have worked out in the end. In regards to the dog, yes I know I did a lot wrong for him. When I first rescued him from a lady who was gonna leave him at a high kill shelter, my life was completely different. I had plenty of time and lived in a wonderful place with plenty of space. I never left him alone more than 4 hours a day and played with him as much as I could. I was also able to take him with me to my exboyfriend's house, who had three other dogs, so he got to play with them alot. My life completely changed after my ex and I broke up. I had to move to a single apartment (as in no bedroom), and the program I started was unexpectedly much more demanding from the one I had left. I was not expecting to make these extreme changes, and I hated that my dog had to pay for it by having to leave him so long alone with the cats. I tried to make it better by moving closer to school (paying more for another apartment) but it wasn't enough. my life is literally consumed by this stupid program. Unfortunately I can't just drop out because Im already neck deep in debt and the only way out is thru it. I tried to put him up for adoption to someone who had a bigger place and had more time (before he started biting) but noone would take him as he was too shy and scared. Even rescue groups wouldn't take him because he had a history of biting. I tried hiring a trainer, and this was the lady he bit and she said he couldnt do much for him. (At this point he had already bit me and my nephew, and tried to bite everyone around him when we took walks) I am also living with student loans so hiring an animal behaviorist was practically impossible for me (just hiring the trainer at 50 bucks per lesson was really hard, as in 99 cent food for me). In any case, Im actually glad someone finally agrees with me that I didnt do enough for him. The guilt I feel and the remorse is horrible but its worse to feel it while everyone around you is saying that you are just crazy for feeling bad. I just wish i was able to work cuz then I would have put him in a day care on the days I work the longest. I would have also hired a behaviorist much earlier, and ofcourse I wouldnt be living in this hole in the wall. I thought about getting an overnight job so I could pay for all these things but then that would have added the problem of leaving him alone at night even more. I still applied but to this day haven't heard from them. In any case, I also agree Im not a good candidate for a dog. I realized that when I was stuck at the place I have to work for free for hours on end while my puppy was home waiting for me. I will never in my life have a dog again. That was too heartbreaking and the helplessness I felt plus what my dog had to go thru was too much. No wonder my mom never let me have dogs as a child.
Anela Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Edit: this woman had a friggin zoo in her house.. it was a weird and akin to a guy having a shelf full toys/video games. Women just don't go there. I don't have many domains that I will claim and stand up for and my bed is one of em', I had a small zoo, and they were worth it - if I could afford to have more now, and make sure that they would get the needed attention, I would have a few more. As of this week, I have three dogs, one cat, and one turtle. My dogs sleep in my bed, and have their own places they like to nap. The more things happen this year, and the more I read threads like this, the more certain I am that I will just continue to be single (by choice). OP, your not letting the cats into your bedroom should be enough for this guy, in my opinion - if you're to build a life together. Edited October 27, 2012 by Anela
iris219 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Now the question isn't whether I should get rid of the cats because I wont. Not for him, not for anyone. My questions is whether someone has been in this same situation or similar and your SO or you have grown used to or to even like the pets and things have worked out in the end. Some people are just not animal people. There's simply no converting them. Things did not work out with my ex in the end, but that's OK. I believe that if someone loves me and wants to be with me they will like my dog enough to treat him like a member of the family, and they will respect the decisions I make regarding him as well. I don't expect anyone to love him the way I do; I wouldn't expect a man to love my children, but I would expect him to treat them kindly and be understanding when they came before him. It's the same with my dog. And, yes, I understand that my dog isn't a child, but he's the most important thing in my life and the closest to a child I will ever have. If your BF values you and the relationship, he won't want you to give up your cats or make them uncomfortable. Edited October 27, 2012 by iris219
spiderowl Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) I think you need to evaluate this honestly and think whether or not the cat is harassing your boyfriend. If she/he keeps climbing over him while he's trying to sleep, then the guy has a point. I love animals but my cat sleeps near the window or on the bottom corner of my bed. She rarely comes up to me. I couldn't sleep either if she was constantly seeking attention while I was in bed. If the cat is not too bothersome, then it looks like you have an incompatibility here. He doesn't like animals and is only tolerating them because of you. It's something I've thought a lot about - what if the guy didn't like animals? Quite honestly, I'd feel something was wrong with his soul. I'd question his ability to empathise as I look for kindness in a person. If a person cannot feel some sympathy or understanding towards my pets, what chance is there he'd be able to feel the same about people? I don't think I could cope with someone like that. I'd know they'd always be angling to get rid of the pets. P.S. please don't blame yourself for the dog. You said yourself he was anxious and wary when you got him and he grew less so, then problems started later. A friend of mine had a dog that gradually started getting more aggressive and behaving badly. Eventually the dog had to be put down. It turned out after a post-mortem that the dog had a brain tumour, hence the degeneration in behaviour. It wasn't my friend's fault and it's not your fault! Edited October 28, 2012 by spiderowl
Recommended Posts