Words of assistance for tomorrow

[Rubyemerald]

Me and my boyfriend have been together little over a year, nearly 13 months.

I honestly thought everything was okay, we had never had a very serious argument in our time together, which I thought was pretty good going.

 

For our year we went to Spain for a week, I had a lovely time, it was great with just me and him, we had a couple of teeny bickers, but wouldn't you have that with anyone being in the same personal space for a week?

I knew that going away was going to test our personal boundaries and our relationship, he is 19 and I am 18 and we haven't talked about the future yet.

I thought the week went well, that we worked well together in a 'living' environment but we aren't yet ready to actually move in together.

 

Then, all of a sudden on a car journey I asked him if he missed me that day, he replied with 'yes' I jokingly (bold jokingly) said was that an automated response? in which he replied yes.... so I told him he didn't have to miss me and that it was okay. (still joking) ... he went completely off on one, told me I was being out of order and made him look awful, I was seriously hurt by his outburst.

Later on that night, lying in bed, I was looking at him, and I smiled and said 'what?' .. he literally word vomits 'I don't think you and me are very good at the moment'

It felt like a slap in the face. I was not expecting that.. his reasoning? I 'grind' on him.

 

I left him a note the next day telling him I would not make contact, I would give him some space and let him sort his head out. After a patchy, horrible week with random texts from him and him not contacting me for days on end, he took me to my favourite restaurant and then took me back to his where we had fantastic make up sex, everything was great.

 

We had on and off contact, still cooled down for the next week, but I was still burning from his outburst and hurting me so bad, so I will admit I have been a little short with him at times, but I have genuinely made an effort with him.

 

I've noticed him withdrawing from me, almost preparing me for the blow, and last night it came, over facebook chat of all things!

 

''I am awful at composing my thoughts, this is what sucks... I guess I just feel so trapped in the coming events. You are a great girl I can't fault you for that. But I just cant see us being together forever. I get frustrated with you quickly, we live far apart, completely different careers, want different things in life, and just have little in common. I struggle to even make conversation with you. I just just dont get a good vibe. i dont have a specific reason, why is why i havent said anything cause it'll sound ****ing stupid. I feel like a life line it's almost as if i know you'd be so upset if we were to go our separate ways.I am only saying this to be honest and I don't want to be a prick; I only want to make things better for the both of us''

 

to which I replied:

''Things will get better for both of us. Relationships aren't easy, I've learnt that. You aren't a life line, I see that now, since our little cool down last week I have realised how important it is that we both have other friends (me especially)

I think that this is just a rough patch, and if we give up now it will be silly. We both need to talk about what we are happy about and what we're not, I'm sure we both have gripes and grovels about each other.

We should at least try''

 

I then told him my side of my problem, which is mainly sex related (selfish partner ect ect) that's the only thing that gets me about him, I then asked him to give me his problems, he said he had all ready said it (the first paragraph) to which I replied:

 

''I understand the living apart thing, but we're both 19(ish)... does that really matter? I think we are both at an age where we CAN look to the future, without being serious about it. Yes, we both have different jobs, yes we both live away from each other, but I think that gives us a different view of life, it's a point of conversation to both of us, different jobs different experiences, something we can talk about at the end of the day.. as for interests, well I think we share more then you think, I enjoy going to gigs, I really do... okay I don't follow the music scene like you do, but I love the atmosphere, I love watching you enjoying the music, I love seeing you having a good time. We both like ****ty comedy programmes, not a strong point but its a common interest. We both like the beach, I like camping (sometimes) , we both enjoy the same kinda foods, similar drinks, sweet cups of tea... I like your car, you like your car. It's the little things that add up. You struggle to make conversation with me? or do you just think that I won't be interested in what you say? ... I love your stories of work and your past experiences. I like hearing about your raspberry pi and your media server, I like listening to your plans for your car. And I've already explained the lifeline thing, you are not my lifeline. You give my life some amazing things, but if you broke up with me I will not curl up and die. I think there's a lot more to be had in this relationship, I think giving up now would be taking the easy route. Can we at least try a bit longer''

 

anyway I got upset and went out to my friends to cheer me up.

 

He is coming round tomorrow to look at my new room, 'for a little bit'

I really want to try and save us tomorrow. I'm thinking that cooking him dinner might be nice? And making myself look nice, really making an effort to show him that he might miss me.

 

He gave me some lanterns for us to do one day, we still haven't done them, I was considering giving him money for petrol and asking him to take me to my favourite spot (where we first went away together, it's on a cliff by the beach, perfect place for a lantern) to do the lanterns, whether it's the end of our relationship or the beginning of second go, I feel like I don't want it to end is us screaming and me breaking down. I want us to have one more nice evening together.

 

I'd like to outline I'm not completely obsessed, I just hate giving up when the going gets tough. I love this boy, I want to prove it one last time. I won't be able to heal myself if I don't think I gave it my best shot.

 

If we finish, we finish. I will heal, I will get over him. I'll be hurting for a while and will lose my best friend and my boyfriend, but it won't ruin my life, but I;d much rather have him in it then out of it.

[NavyAirTraffic]

If we finish, we finish. I will heal, I will get over him. I'll be hurting for a while and will lose my best friend and my boyfriend, but it won't ruin my life, but I;d much rather have him in it then out of it.

 

Him in your life is out of your hands right now, it sounds like he's checked out if the relationship. Let him go. Really just let him go and let him discover that you really weren't meant for each other, or realize that you were the one. I held on when my ex wanted out, it didn't end well. She texted me that she is deleting my number and moving on. It sounds like you're headed down the same road I'm afraid, all this contact while he is trying to pull away from you.

[Rubyemerald]

Yeah I totally understand what you mean, but I truly think he's not himself at the moment. Why would he make so much effort taking me out to dinner and making up with me when a week later he's pretty much ready to end it?

I can't handle the idea of him giving up, we haven't even discussed it properly. We aren't kids any more, we are young adults. I believe we should at least try one more time.

 

One minute I'm ready for the break up, the next I want to break down and cry. I haven't cried once about it yet. I've been really strong. I don't know what to expect tomorrow. All I know is that my gut feeling is that he's taking the easy way out.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Yeah I totally understand what you mean, but I truly think he's not himself at the moment. Why would he make so much effort taking me out to dinner and making up with me when a week later he's pretty much ready to end it?

I can't handle the idea of him giving up, we haven't even discussed it properly. We aren't kids any more, we are young adults. I believe we should at least try one more time.

 

One minute I'm ready for the break up, the next I want to break down and cry. I haven't cried once about it yet. I've been really strong. I don't know what to expect tomorrow. All I know is that my gut feeling is that he's taking the easy way out.

 

Why take me out to dinner- Maybe he's not 100% sure he wants to leave you, but he's not 100% sure that he wants to be with you. You said yourself he gave you "the blow" after dinner. He's human, he's not totally unattached to you. Like I said my ex did this to me, didn't want to be with me but occasionally hooked up until she ultimately decided to end it.

 

I can't handle the idea of him giving up, we haven't even discussed it properly- He's already started to give up, unfortunately for you he didn't just rip the bandaide off, he's making it a slow process. You haven't properly discussed it?? He's said "I just cant see us being together forever" (amongst other things) what more do you need???

 

I believe we should at least try one more time- Unfortunately you don't have 100% say in this.

 

He's taking the easy way out- As Gibson always says "does he not have a choice in who he wants to and not want to be with". This might seem like the easy way but for him the thought of not being with you is more appealing than being with you right now.

 

If I love someone, if I want to be with someone forever I don't try to end things, I don't have doubts, I don't say things like "I just cant see us being together forever". Re-read his fb message to you, there is nothing positive there. He was compelled enough to write this, everything else is breadcrumbs.

[KatZee]

I think he was basically as honest as he can be right now. He's just not feeling it with you... and I kind of feel like what you responded back, those extensive paragraphs came off needy and almost "begging" like.

 

For it to work, both of you need to want to try, and it really doesn't sound like he wants to, so to continue asking to try and more chances won't really work.

 

He was telling you reasons why he's not into you and the relationship, and you're trying to convince him otherwise. If he were the right person for you, you wouldn't need to try and convince him to remain with you, or to come up with reasons as to why he should stay... he would just be doing it on his own accord.

 

If he doesn't want you, let him go. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. And you most certainly don't want him staying with you out of pity, or because he was manipulated into it.

[jerba]

There's no point in trying to rationalize what he's doing today with what he did last week. People can do a complete 180 out of nowhere in an instant and even they won't be able to explain exactly why it happened sometimes.

[Rubyemerald]

Thankyou everyone for your words,

I knew this all along, I guess I just needed someone to tell me it bluntly.

Our relationship started when we were both depressed, we pulled each other into the light. I can't imagine what I would have done without him, he's more then just a boyfriend to me he really did help me from the very beginning.

I believe I helped him too, he was in a bad place but we muddled through and found 'love' out of it.

We've shared our birthdays, a Christmas, a summer, a winter, a spring and an autumn together. Not to mention new years, Easter and all the other holidays.

 

I'm eternally grateful to him for showing me that I can love and be loved in return, at 18 (sad I know) this is my first relationship, and first time I have not been used by a boy/man.

 

I'm going to write him a letter thanking him for our wonderful year, tell him to open it when I'm not there, no begging and no pleading, just the truth.

 

I'm going to see him tonight and say goodbye I guess, then I'll start healing, who knows how I'm going to manage, so thankful I found this forum.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I'm going to write him a letter thanking him for our wonderful year, tell him to open it when I'm not there, no begging and no pleading, just the truth.

 

I'm going to see him tonight and say goodbye I guess, then I'll start healing, who knows how I'm going to manage, so thankful I found this forum.

 

I wouldn't see him if I were you, if he's having doubts about you I'd give him exactly what he wants, space. However this advice is really easy to give when you are standing on the outside. I know what's going through your head "once he sees me/once he holds me he will realize how much he really loves me". This is what I thought too the LAST time I saw my ex. She held me, she told me she missed me, told me I was amazing and the next day chose someone else over me.

 

Just be careful tonight is all, really listen to what he says (don't hear what you want to hear), listen to the whole thing. Also I wouldn't write the letter, there is really no point. If he cares for you he will let you know, if he doesn't your letter won't mean as much to him as you think it will.

[Rubyemerald]

Yeah. The chances are tonight he may just act like normal, who knows. I'll offer him dinner, see how long he stays.

I've written the letter, it's more for my benefit then for his. Thanking him for being my rock, and how much he has improved the way I look at my life and how he has somehow lifted my years of depression, reassuring him I will be okay, that I won't give up and will be strong and seek help if things get bad for me.

It's a closure for me,

I needed to write the letter so at least he knows that the little things haven't gone unnoticed, he's touched me deeper then my heart.

 

And I know he'll worry about my mental state, if he does end it I will have to go no contact, it's the only way I can get over someone. I can't go NC if he keeps asking me if I'm okay, which he will because he's actually a loving boy.

thankyou for your words.

[InThePinc]

Hello, I just wanted to say that i hope tonight goes well. My husband and I went through a huge bad patch at the end of last year and the begining of this year that almost saw us cancel our wedding and part ways but we are still working at it and are very happy. It's not perfect but then nothing is but I'm so glad we didn't give up on each other. Hopefully this will be the case for you and your boyfriend!

[Rubyemerald]

Hello, I just wanted to say that i hope tonight goes well. My husband and I went through a huge bad patch at the end of last year and the begining of this year that almost saw us cancel our wedding and part ways but we are still working at it and are very happy. It's not perfect but then nothing is but I'm so glad we didn't give up on each other. Hopefully this will be the case for you and your boyfriend!

 

Heya! I posted a new thread with what happened tonight, it's in the same topic. I'm glad you and your husband are okay now. x

[dinosaur]

A boy helped me through my depression too when I was your age. He was obsessed with me, loved me more than anything, spent all his time and energy on me and then suddenly he just grew distant and less interested. I didn't want to let him go because I was so sure I wanted to with him forever, but I knew he was losing interest in me from how he was acting and pulling away. So I asked him if still really wanted to be with me and he said yes, he'd make it up, etc. But he did the same things over and over - only wanted to see me for sex. Eventually he asked for an "open" relationship to which I reluctantly agreed to but it was just his way of letting me go without actually getting rid of me. He never slept with anyone else (and still hasn't even kissed anyone else - though I saw other people in hopes of getting over him) and it's been 3 years. We had multiple small "break ups" etc because he just doesn't like me that much and always wants to leave. I guess to him we just don't have that much in common and he didn't ever "love" me but he didn't want to hurt me either. Still I sometimes get upset he dragged me along for 3 years. It was very mean of him not to be honest with me in hopes of not hurting me (also I would guess because he couldn't find anyone else to sleep with).

 

The only piece of advice I can give you is that if someone EVER says they're not "feeling" it just leave. They're going to leave you anyways no matter how much they "care" because they're simply put, just not that into you. Don't wait for him to come back, don't ask him to come back, don't hope - just find yourself. It was really, really hard for me too because I became co-dependent because he found me when I was in deep depression and we improved each other a lot. Even though I don't want to be with him any more (since I feel I cannot trust him anyways), it still hurts me a lot that I spent 3 years with someone who didn't really love me even though I would have done anything to make him happy.

 

I genuinely wish he would have cut it off sooner because it wouldn't have been so painful. Trust me, you'll be so much happier looking back that you didn't waste more time getting attached to him either. I honestly wish I would have just trusted my intuition because he hurt me so much when he left. There's a difference between getting in "arguments" (which I hardly ever did with my ex) and someone simply being unable to reciprocate feelings. Think about that: if he leaves you three years, five years, ten year down the line will you be okay with that? My ex came back several times begging and every time he'd leave because he didn't think we were "compatible". To me, when someone says that, there's no going back because they cannot imagine a future with you. What's the point?