Met a guy -- contact "rules"?

[NoMoreJerks]

Complain to him directly about the cancelled date. I'm sure he won't ever contact you or disrespect you again. Tell him how you feel, how upset you were when he didn't call you after 2 days. Show him this message thread. Guys love to hear about girls emotional problems! He will really enjoy reading about how much you are complaining about him!

Why should I "complain" to him? Of what use is that? A complaint indicates that there is an expectation/hope that someone will change. Nope, that's not going to happen. Besides, I have not opened a charity to help fix people's poor manners. A woman does not have to show a man that she is displeased with his behaviour. If he disrespects her, he does not deserve her. Period. Move on to the next one, who WILL show the appropriate level of respect. But I see that you think that a woman who demands respect is really looking for a guy who acts as a "doormat." I think that is indicative of emotional problems on your own part, not mine.. and shows deeply-rooted immaturity. You keep telling yourself that if you respect a woman, you are being her doormat.... yeah. That's gonna help you get a woman with an ounce of self-respect. You basically are looking for a plaything who does not respect herself enough to expect decent treatment -- basically the way I was when I met my ex.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My ex did not "drop into my city" a few times for sex. He was here for most of the summer. Altogether, of the 4 months that I knew him, I was with him just about every day for 3 full months (with a week or two of interruption in between).

 

JSYK, this does not constitute a "serious relationship." You should stop referring to this person as your "ex." He was not your boyfriend. Ever. You were trying to twist what went on into a "boyfriend/girlfriend" situation, but it was NOT. I'm pretty sure that this guy does not think of you as his "ex girlfriend."

 

 

It had all the elements of a "serious relationship" at the very start.

 

You are disconnected with reality. The "very start" of a relationship is NOT a "serious relationship" regardless of the potential. It needs to grow. At every step along the way, BOTH people are assessing, rightfully, whether this is a good thing for them. The guy is not a "jerk" if he isn't sure, or decides it's not, and neither is the woman. The guy is not a "jerk" if he doesn't want a "serious relationship" with this woman, but is open to having sex with her, when she shows herself to be completely down with that.

 

Your casual sex thing with that guy would be very easy to regard as nothing but casual sex from his point of view. I would have viewed it as pure casual sex if I'd been in it. As a woman.

 

I read every post about it - you described a straighforward casual sexual liaison, and when the "fun" was over, IT was over. THERE WASN'T ANYTHING ELSE THERE. For some reason, you seem unable to understand that - even though EVERY STEP of your behavior with that guy was 100% on board with CASUAL, FUN SEX. YOU wanted him to believe you were on board with this (including "going along" with the threesome thing, which you lambast him for nonstop) - because you KNEW that if you were not, he'd dump you. You said so frankly.

 

THAT IS ON YOU.

 

And, that is NOT how "serious relationships" unfold.

 

That started changing when he brought up the whole threesome thing -- but that's a different story. To claim that there is a "pattern" here for otherwise ****ed up behaviour by jerks, and to blame that pattern on me, is ridiculous.

 

I have not seen a jerk in either of your tales. I have seen guys doing what they felt like doing with a woman who gave every indication that she was fine with it. And who then went psycho on them.

 

I would not be surprised, though, if there really IS a very bad "jerk" someplace in your past; maybe even some serious abuse. That would help me understand why you keep spiraling into these tornadoes of weirdness, manufactured by … YOU.

Edited October 30, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer

[NoMoreJerks]

Mme. Chaucer, BULL****. You don't even know half of what went on with my ex. Yes, he was my ex. It wasn't only about sex. In fact, we met up almost every day, but didn't have sex every day. And not all of it was about sex. The first month and a half, was like any normal courting / developing into a relationship. He was completely respectful, etc. It wasn't only about fun and games and sex. We spent decent, quality time together. It went downhill at some point, after his fantasies started driving his intentions towards me -- because I was stupid enough to talk about having kissed a girl, in a discussion about past dating/relationships/sexual record. At any rate, no, I did not think of it as a casual FWB situation, and wouldn't have gone along with it if I had known that from the start. I *REALIZED* that that's what it was, later on, but by then, I had grown attached to him. Also, I did not go along with his demands for threesome. I told him I was uncomfortable with it. Repeatedly told him that. He kept bringing it up, because he thought I just needed a little "push." He said of all the women he had been with, I was the only one who had done anything with a woman and he saw this as the closest he's gotten to getting a threesome. So he kept pushing for it even when I told him I didn't want to do it.

 

At any rate, you don't even know the half of it, and it is very presumptuous of you to accuse ME of having "brought this" upon myself.

[jcrew11]

Okay, back to the OP.

 

I said there were not "contact rules," but I think that in your specific case, there needs to be. You have monumental boundary issues, so making strict parameters IN YOUR PARTICULAR CASE, will probably help you.

 

So here are the rules:

 

When you meet a guy and exchange contact information,

 

DO NOT USE IT. Wait for him to use it. If you only want traditional dates, hold out for HIM TO INVITE YOU ON A TRADITIONAL DATE.

 

So, the only acceptable situation FOR YOU (until you get your issues sorted out) will be for a man you meet to phone you with an invitation to go out with him, at his expense.

 

Otherwise, DO NOT ENGAGE.

 

And STOP with the denigrating of this guy or any other guy you might meet. So what if your career is on a better track than his is? Maybe he is a mentally healthy and kind person. That has value too.

 

Here are the rules:

 

Have NO Expectations that a guy will ever turn into a boyfriend. The guy is a stranger until he takes you on at least 3 dates.

 

A guy will call you back when he wants to or has time to do so. Don't ever expect a guy to call you back or respond to your texts. He may have another girlfriend or other priorities.

 

A relationship always starts out as casual acquaintances until the man decides he wants to be monogamous.

 

Have NO Expectations that a guy will ever call you, talk to you, or see you again. Expect a guy to disappear and never talk to you again.

 

There are so many more girls, that disrespect men by not answering calls, texts, or avoiding 'creepy guys' they give their numbers to.

 

So dating has "devolved from traditional dating to No Rules"

[jcrew11]

Move on to the next one, who WILL show the appropriate level of respect. But I see that you think that a woman who demands respect is really looking for a guy who acts as a "doormat." I think that is indicative of emotional problems on your own part, not mine.. and shows deeply-rooted immaturity. You keep telling yourself that if you respect a woman, you are being her doormat.... yeah. That's gonna help you get a woman with an ounce of self-respect. You basically are looking for a plaything who does not respect herself enough to expect decent treatment -- basically the way I was when I met my ex.

 

You are a very damaged person. If I were the guy and I saw this thread, I would run away from you as soon as possible.

 

You are clearly looking for a "Superman Boyfriend" to save you from all your emotional distress. Not every guy, and in fact most guys in 2012, won't have the "traditional manners" to "respect you in the way that you want"

 

Don't go for immature young guys. You should date older men who have careers, and are willing to pay for dinner dates, and have formal guidelines to dating. Don't date immature frat party guys with no jobs.

 

The strong, feminist woman of 2012 is independent and doesn't need a man to make her happy, call her, or take her out to dates. The feminist woman has her own job, her own career, and her own finances.

[snowflakes88]

I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with some of the others. You stuck around and allowed the last guy to treat you like utter crap for many months, and now it appears that you are trying to force yourself into the opposite, take-nothing-that-even-smells-slightly-like-crap direction. Which is fine, in theory... but I don't get the sense that your expectations are realistic. You expected this guy to treat you as though he had some sincere level of interest in you, when the truth is that he would have contacted you after you met if he had. What he is showing you now is fully commensurate with the lack of interest he displayed by not contacting you. You can't be the aggressor/pursuer and then take it as an affront when the other person doesn't hop up and switch roles with you.

 

And I agree with Mme. Chaucer. I read back through your last threads, and I'm flummoxed that you considered that a serious relationship. Did that guy even refer to you as his girlfriend, or did you just assume you were because you spent what you felt was a lot of time together?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Mme. Chaucer, BULL****. You don't even know half of what went on with my ex.

 

I know what you have posted here, which includes:

 

My ex went to Thailand and hung out with whores (and probably did more) even while he was in a relationship with me. I eventually discovered that he did not consider what we had a "relationship"

 

No, HE WAS NOT EVER YOUR BOYFRIEND.

 

You WANTED him to be your boyfriend. You were willing to be untrue to yourself (by pretending to look for a threesome partner, for example) in order to try to get him in the state of mind to be your boyfriend. And you are still horrified BY YOURSELF for doing so.

 

But instead of dealing with yourself, you persist in focussing on what a douche he was/is.

 

He might be a douche - but it doesn't really matter. You played along with all of it.

 

THIS guy, the subject of this thread, can play the EXACT SAME ROLE AS THE LAST NON-BOYFRIEND. You are on the path.

 

As is is, he is somebody YOU DO NOT KNOW. He has NOT treated you with disrespect. He probably doesn't even want to go out with you. Sure, that feels kind of crappy, but it happens. Let it go. He was in a bar to catch up with his friends and you shared some drinks and conversation. NOTHING HAPPENED.

 

That's a GOOD THING, right? I mean, the last guy you met in a bar … you ended up going home with and having sex, and ending up in an unsatisfactory situation where you felt used, right?

 

Move on.

[NoMoreJerks]

You are a very damaged person. If I were the guy and I saw this thread, I would run away from you as soon as possible.

 

You are clearly looking for a "Superman Boyfriend" to save you from all your emotional distress. Not every guy, and in fact most guys in 2012, won't have the "traditional manners" to "respect you in the way that you want"

 

Don't go for immature young guys. You should date older men who have careers, and are willing to pay for dinner dates, and have formal guidelines to dating. Don't date immature frat party guys with no jobs.

 

The strong, feminist woman of 2012 is independent and doesn't need a man to make her happy, call her, or take her out to dates. The feminist woman has her own job, her own career, and her own finances.

Wait - where did I say that I've ever dated frat party guys? All the men I've been interested in have been 37+. That goes to show the immaturity of men nowadays. Who said I'm financially dependent or that I expect a man to pay because I don't want to spend money??? I have enough money to pay for both mine and his, and have done so when on dates before. It's not about financial dependence at all.

 

There is no such thing as a "superman" boyfriend, and I am not looking for one. I do not expect a guy to call me every day. I do not sit at home or by my phone all day long and wait for a guy to text or call me. I have a life of my own, a nice career to look forward to, and many many more guys whom, once I get an even more stable job, I would meet in the workplace, etc. You really think I was waiting on this guy to feed me and pamper me? Haha, you really have no idea. If I were so desperate, I wouldn't have stopped messaging him. But I am not desperate, which you think I am. You keep talking about men and women in 2012, and seem to be implying that I should get with the times and engage in flings rather than look for a relationship. Just because most people these days act worse than animals doesn't mean I will join them. I do not join the hand that I can't cut. I would just refuse to have any dealings with it.

[NoMoreJerks]

You expected this guy to treat you as though he had some sincere level of interest in you, when the truth is that he would have contacted you after you met if he had.

Fine by me if he didn't contact me. When I posted this thread, I was just curious about contact "rules" and how men thought about it, and how they would go about it if they were interested in a girl. I was trying to determine whether he was genuinely interested (which seemed like it) and didn't contact me first because he was busy, or if he just wasn't interested. I wouldn't have cared regardless.

 

He could've ignored my text, though. Instead, he chose to play games. Set up a date, and then blew me off. I don't think this was just about him trying to be nice even though he wasn't interested. Like I said, I do not buy that he was doing it because it was the "nice" way of letting me know he wasn't interested. I have never seen a guy who would set up a date then cancel it as a way of showing disinterest.

 

What he is showing you now is fully commensurate with the lack of interest he displayed by not contacting you. You can't be the aggressor/pursuer and then take it as an affront when the other person doesn't hop up and switch roles with you.

Nope -- don't take affront when someone doesn't pursue me. It has happened quite a few times that I've exchanged numbers with a guy, he hasn't called / texted. No problem. One guy took my number, texted me, then nicely said that he didn't think any sort of attempt between us would really work out, because he lives in another city. I appreciated the honesty and respect him a lot. Not bitter at him, wouldn't start a thread about a guy who does that. I am a big girl and can take no for an answer. Just say it to my face and don't play games with me. I don't like playing mind games like this guy is clearly playing with me. He texted me yesterday. Why? I just let go of the whole thing and nicely told him, in my last text mssg, "ok, no problem", when he cancelled the date last-minute.

 

And I agree with Mme. Chaucer. I read back through your last threads, and I'm flummoxed that you considered that a serious relationship. Did that guy even refer to you as his girlfriend, or did you just assume you were because you spent what you felt was a lot of time together?

Yes, he called me his girlfriend, and he acted like a "normal" person would when dating and like a normal boyfriend would. Until that day that I told him I had kissed a girl and he went nuts after that. From that day on, everything he talked about with me was related to the threesome. If I hadn't told him about that thing? Maybe he wouldn't have even brought up a threesome. I don't think he got into a fling with me to get a threesome from me.

[NoMoreJerks]

Here are the rules:

 

Have NO Expectations that a guy will ever turn into a boyfriend. The guy is a stranger until he takes you on at least 3 dates.

Who said I had any expectations that he would turn into a boyfriend? My only expectation was that he respect me enough not to play mind games with me and blow me off last minute. That is all. But guess that's too much to ask / expect of guys nowadays. That's a sad state of affairs.

 

A guy will call you back when he wants to or has time to do so. Don't ever expect a guy to call you back or respond to your texts. He may have another girlfriend or other priorities.

A girl will call a guy back when she wants to or has time to do so. Don't ever expect a girl to call you back or respond to your texts. She may have another boyfriend or other priorities. Sound familiar? Oh yea, I was being blamed for not picking up the phone while out shopping? Because a girl is supposed to leave everything and just run and pick up the phone as soon as it rings?

 

A relationship always starts out as casual acquaintances until the man decides he wants to be monogamous.

The same applies for women. What is your point. I was only trying to assess if there was any point in getting to know this guy more. I don't want to waste my time. In fact, truth be told, I would not even consider this guy as one of my potential dates when multi-dating. He just doesn't make the cut.

 

Have NO Expectations that a guy will ever call you, talk to you, or see you again. Expect a guy to disappear and never talk to you again.

Yeah - the same applies to women, doesn't it? And so that is what I have done -- disappeared. I will not be responding to any of his texts or answering his calls. The train left the station on Saturday morning.

 

There are so many more girls, that disrespect men by not answering calls, texts, or avoiding 'creepy guys' they give their numbers to.

Can't say they're wrong to do so -- all the more power to them. I do not blame them for erring on the side of caution.

 

So dating has "devolved from traditional dating to No Rules"

Oh, so now you claim there are no rules -- why exactly was I expected to drop everything in my hands, and answer his call on the spot? Why was I expected to text him back immediately, when he took 2 days to text me back? The list is too long. If anything, I was the one who went by "no rules" -- I don't believe that a guy has to initiate contact. A woman can take the lead. A woman who is confident and knows what she is interested in, will take the lead, even if it means rejection. That is what I did. It wasn't the rejection part that I am posting about here. It's about the fact that so many men are so wishy-washy, and want to play mind games. I have become a no-bull**** person. My friends have all noticed this. Not just in dealings with men, but in dealings with everyone. At work as well. The other day my boss asked me to meet him at 5:20pm. I went at 5:20pm, waited until 5:35pm. He did not show up. I left. I had a meeting with a friend that I had to get to. I do not have to reschedule my stuff just because someone doesn't have enough respect for me to be ON TIME. I did not even send him an email letting him know I had waited for 15 minutes, until this morning. NO BULL**** -- from ANYONE. I have taken bull**** for so long, and I think it's about time I started respecting myself and my time. If you don't respect yourself, no one will.

[jcrew11]

Yes, he called me his girlfriend, and he acted like a "normal" person would when dating and like a normal boyfriend would. Until that day that I told him I had kissed a girl and he went nuts after that. From that day on, everything he talked about with me was related to the threesome. If I hadn't told him about that thing? Maybe he wouldn't have even brought up a threesome. I don't think he got into a fling with me to get a threesome from me.

 

I read your past threads, and didn't realize you only had one "official long-term/long-distance boyfriend" so that explains your complete naivety about the dating scene and men.

 

I'm a little bit surprised that you've only had one boyfriend if you are in your late 20's; and that you only dated men over 37. Your past boyfriend was probably divorced, or has a girlfriend in his town of residence.

 

I think you fell into a "sugar daddy/sugar baby" situation, where a rich older guy swoops into town for a few weeks on business, and wines, dines, and pays for every thing, and pampers you. But its a "beautiful fantasy world" - for him this is a vacation and "spring break." These traveling businessmen are known to use escorts, one night stands, and girlfriends in every town. You thought you were his only special woman, but he obviously didn't see it that way.

 

When you brought up the "Threesome" he immediately changed from seeing you as a "future wife" to an "escort he can live his wildest fantasies with." And because you were over 10 years younger than him, he just saw you as a disposable plaything just for vacation sex.

 

A serious relationship is truly monogamous if their is an engagement ring. If there is no ring, don't expect anything has long term marriage potential.

 

Date someone your own age, living in your own city, for a real adult relationship. Do not ever date men in Long distance relationships because they will just use you for vacation sex.

 

You might benefit from therapy sessions because you were severely damaged from your First boyfriend, and have a lot of anger and bitterness that might make it difficult for you to find someone new.

 

If you want a new boyfriend, stay away from the Alpha male types. Go for the quiet, nerdy guys who will treat a woman with respect.

[jcrew11]

Oh, so now you claim there are no rules -- why exactly was I expected to drop everything in my hands, and answer his call on the spot? Why was I expected to text him back immediately, when he took 2 days to text me back? The list is too long. If anything, I was the one who went by "no rules" -- I don't believe that a guy has to initiate contact. A woman can take the lead. A woman who is confident and knows what she is interested in, will take the lead, even if it means rejection. That is what I did. It wasn't the rejection part that I am posting about here. It's about the fact that so many men are so wishy-washy, and want to play mind games. I have become a no-bull**** person. My friends have all noticed this. Not just in dealings with men, but in dealings with everyone. At work as well. The other day my boss asked me to meet him at 5:20pm. I went at 5:20pm, waited until 5:35pm. He did not show up. I left. I had a meeting with a friend that I had to get to. I do not have to reschedule my stuff just because someone doesn't have enough respect for me to be ON TIME. I did not even send him an email letting him know I had waited for 15 minutes, until this morning. NO BULL**** -- from ANYONE. I have taken bull**** for so long, and I think it's about time I started respecting myself and my time. If you don't respect yourself, no one will.

 

You say you had no expectations, but YOU are the one getting angry and upset that he didn't respond immediately to your texts and phone calls.

 

You were the aggressor in initiating contact, and then you stopped when he dragged his heels. Now, you are complaining that he dragged his heels.

 

You missed his call, then YOU waited until the next day to call him back. Why didn't you call him immediately when you missed his call?

 

If you want to initiate contact, and set up a date; then you have to maintain the aggressive contact. Otherwise, guys are conditioned to expect the worse and expect girls to flake out and not call back or cancel dates. Or the guy will get lazy, and forget about you, and focus on his other work priorities. Yes, Men are big babies that no longer desperately suck up to women for dates.

 

He doesn't know you are angry with him. He thinks you are some easy-going Bar girl who he might meet again someday if he was in your town again.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think you fell into a "sugar daddy/sugar baby" situation, where a rich older guy swoops into town for a few weeks on business, and wines, dines, and pays for every thing, and pampers you. But its a "beautiful fantasy world" - for him this is a vacation and "spring break." These traveling businessmen are known to use escorts, one night stands, and girlfriends in every town. You thought you were his only special woman, but he obviously didn't see it that way.

If you had read my threads, you would've realized that I spent just as much money on him as he did on me. He was not rich by any means. In fact, he makes about 30,000 sterling, which is less than what I make with my PhD fellowship, scholarships, and 3 jobs.

 

He has only started this traveling job recently, and he has only been to Turkey and my country -- aside from his trips to Thailand which were for vacation. So no, he did not have gfs in every city. He has not traveled much. Not yet anyway. He did not have a partner back home. He wanted to leave his country permanently.

 

When you brought up the "Threesome" he immediately changed from seeing you as a "future wife" to an "escort he can live his wildest fantasies with." And because you were over 10 years younger than him, he just saw you as a disposable plaything just for vacation sex.

Again, if you had read my threads and knew about the situation, you wouldn't have said that I brought up the threesome. HE brought it up. He claimed it has been a fantasy of his since he was 18. He brought it up when we were talking about past experiences in dating, relationships, and sex. I said I hadn't had sex before (he knew it, because I told him the first night we were having sex, that I was a virgin), but that I had kissed a girl before. He said that was "hot" and then, the next morning, he texted me and brought up the threesome. I was distressed and when I saw him that evening, I told him I couldn't do it. We didn't talk about that again for a few days, and then it all started again- he brought it up again.

 

If you want a new boyfriend, stay away from the Alpha male types. Go for the quiet, nerdy guys who will treat a woman with respect.

That is exactly what my first boyfriend was. VEry good-looking, but quiet and nerdy -- and very respectful until the whole threesome situation came about.

[NoMoreJerks]

You say you had no expectations, but YOU are the one getting angry and upset that he didn't respond immediately to your texts and phone calls.

Not immediately -- but there is a reasonable lag and an unreasonable one.Not texting for 2 days, then coming up with date plans, is not my idea of respect. He's either interested or he isn't. He was doing the whole mixed mssg thing. I deserve better than that.

 

You were the aggressor in initiating contact, and then you stopped when he dragged his heels. Now, you are complaining that he dragged his heels.

He was the one who dragged his heels -- if he's not interested (which is what the lag time signalled to me), I will not engage in his mind games. I did not even intend to call him back, but based on what you people told me, I called him back. I thought maybe I was being too harsh on him and that I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

You missed his call, then YOU waited until the next day to call him back. Why didn't you call him immediately when you missed his call?

No - I called him 3 hours later, after I got home -- it wasn't the next day. It was only a 3 hour wait. Hardly unreasonable. I couldn't have dropped everything and tried to find a quiet place where I could speak. Where would I have gone? I was in the middle of the store, and leaving the store and going outside wasn't going to help much, given that noise levels are just as high outside as they are indoors. I need a really quiet place to be able to have a normal conversation on the phone where I wouldn't go "what? I couldn't hear you" 10 times.

 

He thinks you are some easy-going Bar girl who he might meet again someday if he was in your town again.

Yup. He can dream on. Can't say he would give a damn, but at any rate, it's not MY loss. Can you imagine if this guy had taken me on a ride like my first one? It wouldn't have been a pretty sight. I am glad I discovered him for what/who he was so early. That is the idea behind having such boundaries and expectations about phone /texting etiquette.

[snowflakes88]

Your anger and bitterness is palpable, even via the internet. Yes, you opened your heart to the wrong person and got burned. Yes, he was a jerk. But you stuck around a pretty long time after he showed himself to be a jerk and afforded him additional chances to burn you. At some point you have to take responsibility for your part in things, rather than writing all men off as users/jerks/out for sex. They aren't all that way. You just wasted far too much time on one who was.

 

If you become the type of woman who imparts the mistakes of one man onto every man you meet, you will be single for a very long time. I'm sure you'd want a good guy to give you a fair shot based on the person you are, rather than immediately write you off because his ex did not treat him well. You have to afford men the same courtesy. It's okay to drop your guard and give someone a fair chance, so long as you know you are strong enough to walk away if/when they fumble that chance... that's what dating is, after all. But imposing severely stringent expectations from the start and adopting an "all men are crap" mentality will get you nowhere but alone.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, he called me his girlfriend, and he acted like a "normal" person would when dating and like a normal boyfriend would.

 

BUT:

 

I eventually discovered that he did not consider what we had a "relationship"

 

So, you learned that he WAS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. Both people have to be onboard for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

 

I'm not haranguing you for the heck of it. It's pertinent to how you are WAAAAY overboard in your reaction to the minimal to non-event of whatever transpired with this new guy. YOU jump all kinds of guns, throw yourself under busses to try to "get" someplace where a guy may or may not (in the case of the last guy, he did NOT) want to go …

 

And then you proceed to blame it ALL on character faults of the guy.

 

You don't have an "ex" who did you wrong. You had sex prematurely with a guy who … wanted to have sex. And you spent a handful of weeks trying to make that into something other than what it was.

 

Thank God you didn't go home from the bar with THIS guy.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

That is exactly what my first boyfriend was. VEry good-looking, but quiet and nerdy -- and very respectful until the whole threesome situation came about.

 

 

I eventually discovered that he did not consider what we had a "relationship"

 

That wasn't a "boyfriend." And if I recall correctly, you told him about kissing a girl the first night you met … in a bar … from whence you went back to his hotel and had sex.

 

Nothing wrong with it - but it has nothing to do with a "relationship" and it is completely unfair - and borderline INSANE - for you to use his behavior in a scenario where you were a full participant as proof that he was a "baddy."

 

He was just a traveling guy down for sex in your town, and you were up for it whenever he rolled in. For a few weeks. And then it was over.

Edited October 30, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer

[jcrew11]

You don't have an "ex" who did you wrong. You had sex prematurely with a guy who … wanted to have sex. And you spent a handful of weeks trying to make that into something other than what it was.

 

Thank God you didn't go home from the bar with THIS guy.

 

I find it comical that she had "sex for the first time" with a guy she met after 3 days; and now she is trying to act like a nun, and bash a new guy who didn't text back immediately and couldn't confirm a date.

 

This isn't about "respect." A person with "self-respect" wouldn't get so angry at upset over a flaky date.

 

She is an extremely damaged virgin, who wanted to marry her first casual boyfriend. She is lonely and co-dependent and is trying to find a new man to "marry" and replace her previous "boyfriend."

 

Honestly, I think she needs more social experience, and needs to date a few different men at the same time, maybe online dating. She is very inexperienced socially, and just needs to gain more self-confidence and self-discovery by interacting with different men. She needs to relax, become more liberal, and hook up with some men just for the ego boost. This is 2012, you aren't supposed to treat every guy or girl as a future husband/wife.

 

And stop the silliness of meeting men in bars. Her first bar "boyfriend" wanted a threesome and treated her poorly just for sex. She works at a college and there are tons of single men in college to date. I don't know why she is trying to create relationships with long-distance and unavailable men.

[clia]

Here are the contact rules for random dudes you talk to at a bar:

 

1. Do not ask for or take their number.

 

2. If they ask for your number, give it to them if you like them.

 

3. Have fun flirting and talking to them.

 

4. Because you don't have their number, the next day you don't worry about anything. Whatever, you had a fun evening.

 

5. IF they contact you and ask you out on a proper date, and if you want to go, then go! Have fun. See where it goes.

 

6. If they don't contact you, who cares? You'll meet someone else.

 

That's it. This entire thread is baffling to me. It isn't that hard. It's some dude you don't even know.

[NoMoreJerks]

That wasn't a "boyfriend." And if I recall correctly, you told him about kissing a girl the first night you met … in a bar … from whence you went back to his hotel and had sex.

Uh, no, that never happened. You are imagining things. Again, goes to show that you are judging the situation based on mistaken information. Go back and read my threads if you wish -- never claimed that I told him about kissing a girl the first night I met. I didn't tell him until about a month and a half into it. Also, didn't go home with him on teh first night.

 

Nothing wrong with it - but it has nothing to do with a "relationship" and it is completely unfair - and borderline INSANE - for you to use his behavior in a scenario where you were a full participant as proof that he was a "baddy."

Again -- you are in no position to judge this guy and his level of nastiness given that 1) you have your info wrong ; 2) the stuff I posted was an abridged version of what happened, not the whole story about the way he behaved and the stuff he did. Yes, it was a relationship -- and he pretended that it was. When things didn't go the way he wanted them to go, he wanted to opt out, or at least thought that by threatening to do so, he would be able to convince me to have a threesome. Anyway, that is not the issue here. The point is that I do not deal well with lazy scumbags who want to use me for sex. That is all. I do not intend to have a repeat of my first experience.

 

Thank God you didn't go home from the bar with THIS guy.

That is never going to happen again -- not even after going on multiple dates with a guy. If he can't wait for a few months, he's not worth my time. I will let him know this early on (in one of the first few dates).

[NoMoreJerks]

Here are the contact rules for random dudes you talk to at a bar:

 

1. Do not ask for or take their number.

 

2. If they ask for your number, give it to them if you like them.

 

3. Have fun flirting and talking to them.

 

4. Because you don't have their number, the next day you don't worry about anything. Whatever, you had a fun evening.

 

5. IF they contact you and ask you out on a proper date, and if you want to go, then go! Have fun. See where it goes.

 

6. If they don't contact you, who cares? You'll meet someone else.

 

That's it. This entire thread is baffling to me. It isn't that hard. It's some dude you don't even know.

I am not the type of girl who sits around and waits for someone to contact her. If I like someone, I will be proactive and will want to have the ability to contact them -- unless of course, they make it clear that they are not interested in me. I don't care if he didn't contact me. I can try to contact him -- and if I sense that he is not interested (unreasonable delays in responding, lack of enthusiasm, lack of initiative after my first attempt), I will drop it. It's worked out well before, and I don't see why it shouldn't work out. The only exception is when the guy I meet is wishy-washy and is playing mind games with me (as this guy clearly is). In that case, regardless of the fact that *I* didn't have his number, he will still play his mind games by blowing hot and cold via text. Let's face it - some men get womens' numbers and intend to use them -- they use them! but not because they are interested in dating them. Only because they are interested in getting their ego stroked a bit. There's no avoiding such a situation, even if YOU don't get the guy's number.

[NoMoreJerks]

now she is trying to act like a nun

Acting like a nun? Oh yeah.... that's why I was the one to initiate contact with this guy, eh? That's the most hilarious thing I have heard in a while.. So now being careful = acting like a nun?

 

This isn't about "respect." A person with "self-respect" wouldn't get so angry at upset over a flaky date.

Not upset over a flaky date -- I couldn't care less that I didn't go on a date with him. Actually, I am GLAD I did not. OMG, I can't even imagine getting strung along by this scumbag. This was a lucky escape, as far as I am concerned.

 

She is an extremely damaged virgin, who wanted to marry her first casual boyfriend. She is lonely and co-dependent and is trying to find a new man to "marry" and replace her previous "boyfriend."

Hahaha. A "damaged virgin"? Also, what is wrong with marrying one's first boyfriend? Are you saying that's an impossible or unwelcome thing? If it works out for some people, all the more power to them. You seem like an uptight person who has too many rules about who one should / will marry. If a couple hit it off really well, who cares if it's her first boyfriend?

 

Honestly, I think she needs more social experience, and needs to date a few different men at the same time, maybe online dating.

Sure - multi-dating sounds good. Best way to weed out scumbags without wasting too much time. As for online dating, no thanks, not my cup of tea. I do not intend on hooking up with men who put "interested in LTR" when they really mean "I am so desperate for sex that I will go to all lengths, including going on a dozen dates with a girl, to get laid."

 

She is very inexperienced socially, and just needs to gain more self-confidence and self-discovery by interacting with different men.

I've interacted with enough men, thanks. Just because I haven't dated all of them doesn't mean I haven't met more than those 2 I talked about. I've met and exchanged numbers with several men -- and most of the people I hang out with at work/ after work are men, not women. In fact, I get along better with men than I do with women.

 

She needs to relax, become more liberal, and hook up with some men just for the ego boost.

I am as liberal as anyone can get. I do not intend to hook up with anyone, for anything, including an ego boost. Sure, if they pay some attention to me, that will boot my ego -- but I will not keep in touch with one unless I like him, he comes across as respectful, shows interest in me, and I can make sure ASAP that he is not playing mind games.

 

She works at a college and there are tons of single men in college to date.

99.9% of the men at my university are: 1) much younger than I am; or 2) do not interest me, be it because of their looks, personality, or both.

 

I don't know why she is trying to create relationships with long-distance and unavailable men.

I am not trying to do anything -- in both instances, it was they who approached me. In the case of my ex, he chased / courted me for quite a while. To be honest, it wasn't even my intention to get into anything serious with my ex. I thought it was a good opportunity to get rid of my virginity, which was weighing down on me and making me anxious. I was worried that I would still be a virgin at like, 40. I knew there was a chance that he wouldn't even want to see me after we had sex, and was fine with that. But he did want to see me, we hung out together, went to dinners, he cooked for me, we watched TV together, went out together, walked around town together, visited places together, etc. 2/3rds of it was on his own initiative, not mine. Anyway -- if a man is interested in me, and is respectful, I will give him the chance -- long distance or not. Long distance can work, if there is enough interest and neither party is too lazy to put in some effort to keep in touch and see each other as often as is possible.

[scratch]

That is never going to happen again -- not even after going on multiple dates with a guy. If he can't wait for a few months, he's not worth my time. I will let him know this early on (in one of the first few dates).

 

It strikes me as funny that, given the many hours you have devoted to a thread about a guy you met once, you use the phrase "not worth my time."

 

Cila's suggestion is smart and efficient, but you missed the point. Her (I assume the feminine pronoun is correct) point isn't that you shouldn't have the number, it's that you should be more patient and laid back.

 

There is no reason for a woman to be proactive; anything that you can accomplish through proactivity can be accomplished better by letting the guy reach out to you, and just meeting him part of the way when he makes an effort.

 

Instead of that, your plan seems to be to work against a guy who approaches you by "making him wait." Do you like being "made to wait" by a guy when it comes to meeting his friends and family, sharing birthdays and holidays, and generally feeling emotionally close to him? If you need some time to get comfortable, fine, but beyond that, it seems manipulative and spiteful, and is not likely to further your goals. Unless, of course, your goal is to hurt them before they hurt you.

[NoMoreJerks]

It strikes me as funny that, given the many hours you have devoted to a thread about a guy you met once, you use the phrase "not worth my time."

I fail to see how you think I am wasting my time on him by posting on this thread. If anything, his behaviour is rather representative of the majority of the male population these days. This thread is not about a man whom I met and talked to for 3 hours and don't ever want to see or hear from again. It's about men's behaviour in general, and disrespect for women in particular. The sad part is that some women are willing participants in this cycle of disrespect. But whatever floats their "yes yes, **** me over, please!" boats, I guess!

 

Cila's suggestion is smart and efficient, but you missed the point. Her (I assume the feminine pronoun is correct) point isn't that you shouldn't have the number, it's that you should be more patient and laid back.

Ha - whoever said I am not? Patience is one thing -- accepting to go along with mind games, is quite another.

 

There is no reason for a woman to be proactive; anything that you can accomplish through proactivity can be accomplished better by letting the guy reach out to you, and just meeting him part of the way when he makes an effort.

It's not about "accomplishing" anything -- it's about being in control of my own fate rather than sitting and going through a list of "what if"s. I don't need a guy chasing me around in order to know what I'm interested in and what I want and don't want. I don't need a guy chasing me around for reassurance that I'm "pretty enough" or "smart enough." To me, the sort of behaviour you are prescribing is a symptom of lack of confidence and self-esteem, which, oddly and ironically enough, I am being accused of having....

 

Instead of that, your plan seems to be to work against a guy who approaches you by "making him wait."

If he makes me wait, I make him wait. Otherwise, I don't feel the need to make anyone wait. I know what I want in life, and what I look for in a guy. I have learned that the only appropriate way of dealing with mind games, though, is through tit-for-tat. Will it get me the guy? No. But that is NEVER the point, is it? Why would I want a guy who acts that way with me anyway?!?!

 

Unless, of course, your goal is to hurt them before they hurt you.

The goal is not to hurt them before they hurt me. The goal is to give them a taste of their own medicine, AFTER they have behaved in that fashion with me.

[Drseussgrrl]

Don't initiate contact with men. Just don't. If they have your number, they WILL use it if they're interested. They WILL ask you out.

 

This guy wasn't. Then you got mad at him for "playing mind games" because he wasn't acting interested enough. Yeah he blew you off and that sucks but that's what people do when they aren't interested.

 

It really is that simple. He wasn't into you. You win some, you lose some. That's dating. You can't get all worked up and drag your baggage into every single casual encounter with a dude.

 

You need to learn to lean back and stop trying to force things that aren't there. When you initiate contact with a man, that's essentially what you're doing in a very subtle way. Men know that they're expected to initiate contact - and I'll say it again, they WILL when they're into you.