Met a guy -- contact "rules"?

[jcrew11]

You are clearly a person who gets angry quickly and has to find a perfect man who can do everything right. Maybe you are really good looking and can find a great guy to spoil you.

 

I think you are right to not date this guy in the military, because he does not have the time to devote to your needs. The military is a full time 24-7 job where he eats and sleeps. He's not even done with basic training and BT is a full-time probation period where he can easily get kicked out of the army for any infraction. He doesn't have phone access to call you up 3 times a day "just to talk."

 

Its not easy dating or marrying a military man. They are away in service for months at a time, often in foreign countries. The 25K rule is because he needs to be close to base if he is called back for an emergency. Especially if he is an EMT or Medic, so he is seen as a doctor on call at a hospital. Military guys have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of women don't want to put up with it, there is a high rate of divorce for military men.

 

Honestly, I think you blew it when you didn't answer his 4 phone calls and didn't have voice-mail. He thought you were avoiding his calls, and he stopped trusting you, or thought you weren't interested. Guys don't want to date or deal with girls with a lot of issues or problems.

 

Are you for real? First off, he does not protect the country. He is not even halfway throug basic training. Also, he is training to be a medic, not a soldier. Moreover, I am not sold on giving someobe more chance than he deserves or more chance than i would give any other guy just because he is doing a "patriotic" duty. I am not big on the whole patriotism craze to begin with.

 

Moreoever, give me a damn break. I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt multiple times. Fair enough that he didnt call, didnt respond to texts promptly, etc. But the whole 25 km pass thing? And he supposedly found out the morning of? What about last week when he was in my city? He didnt have field exercises then, so he couldnt have gotten one of those extended passes. How did he manage it then? My theory is this: hes not really interested but doesnt wanna be a douchebag and tell me outright, and knew i wouldnt drive all the way there to meet up, also, that it would turn me off so much that i would not ask again unless he does. He wont ask again next week. The other possibility is that he just used me as an ego boost. Asked me to pick a location, then blew me off. Or, he is playing mind games and wants to see how far im willing to accommodate him. Or, his buddies came up wit a better plan, maybe partying it up for halloween. Who the hell knows. All i know is that, even if hes being completely honest, this is not **** i am willing to put up with.

[NoMoreJerks]

You are clearly a person who gets angry quickly and has to find a perfect man who can do everything right. Maybe you are really good looking and can find a great guy to spoil you.

I am not drop-dead gorgeous -- just average. But so what? I don't have to settle for every guy who comes my way, even if he treats me like **** or like a fallback girl in case his other weekend plans don't work out. It's not about trying to find the perfect man. It's about trying to find a man who respects me enough to make sure that, if he's confirming a date, that he knows all the details , or that he won't play mind games or cancel out on me because something better came up. For starters. He didn't know that he had this 25km rule before he confirmed last night? I call that bull****. 1) Either he knew it but didn't want to hurt my feelings and just thought he'd text me tomorrow and pretend he didn't know about it until now; 2) Something else came up (other plans with buddies, halloween weekend after all) and he came up with this bs 25 km excuse, which is a rule that might not be applicable all the time. Keep in mind, he WAS in my city last weekend with his buddies. He wasn't supposed to be no more than 25km away from base then?!? Something doesn't make sense. Incidentally, the other guy I used to talk to, was also a medic, a fully trained one at that, and he could leave base over the weekends without such rules, not to mention, talk to me for more than an hour on Skype.

 

I think you are right to not date this guy in the military, because he does not have the time to devote to your needs.... He doesn't have phone access to call you up 3 times a day "just to talk."

NO, I did NOT expect him to call me 3 times a day and talk to me. If anything, at this stage (so early on), I feel really awkward talking on the phone with a guy. I prefer texts. Once we start dating, or get into a relationship, that's when I would expect a bit more contact. Still, that doesn't mean that a text that went unanswered for 2 days is excusable, even for someone in the army. I've talked with a guy in the army, and that is just not the way it goes.

 

Honestly, I think you blew it when you didn't answer his 4 phone calls and didn't have voice-mail. He thought you were avoiding his calls, and he stopped trusting you, or thought you weren't interested. Guys don't want to date or deal with girls with a lot of issues or problems.

He called me 4 times in the span of 10 minutes. I could've been busy. In fact, I WAS busy. I had my hands full. I was out doing shopping. Before that, I was doing work. I am not sitting at home , unemployed, waiting for a guy to call me. If he had expected that I should pick up the phone right away, that goes to show that he is a selfish self-absorbed douchebag.

 

Also, I have heard people say that a guy who is confirming a date or asking a girl on a date, should not do so by leaving a voice mail. Rather, he can try calling her later, or texting her. I don't think me having no voicemail is to blame for the outcome, really. But then again, you are insistent on blaming me for this turn of events, when clearly, at every step of the way, I said, fine, let me give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

He has been in the army and medic training for what, 4 months now? He didn't know about the 25 km rule? He just found out about it this morning, after confirming the date last night? Seriously? You buy that? I'm not so naive/stupid.

Edited October 27, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[suladas]

Can't believe people are giving you a hard time. It's easy to see he isn't trying very hard. Some of it may be legit because of the army, but no way is it all due to that. I don't care how busy I am, i've never let a text go unanswered for more then about 2 hours, it's not hard to take 10 seconds away to send one. Even in the army, guaranteed there is at least one time in the day they could send a quick text, IF they wanted to.

 

Wait for someone who's willing to put in the effort to show they are really interested

[jcrew11]

Can't believe people are giving you a hard time. It's easy to see he isn't trying very hard. Some of it may be legit because of the army, but no way is it all due to that. I don't care how busy I am, i've never let a text go unanswered for more then about 2 hours, it's not hard to take 10 seconds away to send one. Even in the army, guaranteed there is at least one time in the day they could send a quick text, IF they wanted to.

 

Wait for someone who's willing to put in the effort to show they are really interested

 

I agree, he might not have time or want to commit to a serious girlfriend right now. He just started his career in the army, and he might have to move to another base in a month.

 

But its completely wacky to delete a guy or a girl from your phone after 7 days because they can't commit to an immediate dinner date. Sure, its great if a guy can drop everything in his life and commit to wooing a girl, becoming a serious boyfriend, and marrying her.

 

But people have real lives, its not an excuse, but the timing is not always right for relationships. Its difficult to have a steady job in this economy, and people are moving to different cities and traveling more for business.

 

Sometimes you just have to wait for the Guy or Girl to become available.

 

How many of us have re-connected and dated people from high school, college, or have known for a few years? If a guy you like suddenly moves to your city for a new job, then it makes it so much easier to start a relationship and marry.

[NoMoreJerks]

I agree, he might not have time or want to commit to a serious girlfriend right now. He just started his career in the army, and he might have to move to another base in a month.

Then he should say so, rather than play games with me. It was clear that I am not interested in casual sex / FWB. If I were, I would've asked him to come over to my place -- it was a good 2 minute walk away from the pub where we met. Me asking him if he wanted to go to dinner together = I want a relationship. If he doesn't want that / can't do that given his career choice, so be it. But don't blow me off after confirming the date, etc. Just say you can't make it to dinner, can't do that sort of thing while in basic training, or would rather hook up for drinks, etc., if you happen to be in town. Then at least I will get the clue.

 

But its completely wacky to delete a guy or a girl from your phone after 7 days because they can't commit to an immediate dinner date.

It wasn't about getting an "immediate dinner date". If he had told me he was busy and couldn't make it until the week after, or 2 weeks down the line, fine. But he said he could make it, and then cancelled using a flimsy excuse which to me makes NO SENSE AT ALL. OK, so, he can't get too far off base? 25 km. Fine. Let's say that's the case. How did he get to my city last weekend, which is when I met him? Also, he's been in the army for a good 3-4 months now. Is this the first time he hears of this 25 km rule thing? I doubt it.

 

Sure, its great if a guy can drop everything in his life and commit to wooing a girl, becoming a serious boyfriend, and marrying her.

I'm not asking him to drop everything and run after me.... Expecting to be treated decently, though, is a GIVEN. I don't know about your standards, but that, to me, is a NECESSITY. I used to have low self-esteem and allowed my ex to disrespect me in similar ways -- basically blow me off whenever he felt like it, ask to see me last minute, etc. I let him do that. I am not going to do that again. If a guy wants to see me, he better let me know ahead of time -- a good day or two (two would be ideal). Also, if he has other plans / can't make it, he better tell me right off the bat, rather than play along and then cancel the morning of. That's very disrespectful. It shows that you don't respect the woman and her time. What if I could've made other plans for tonight? It's a saturday night, and now I am stuck at home by myself, because when my friends asked me what I was doing tonight, I said I was going on a date. Also, if something came up last minute, or if he REALLY did realize last minute that he couldn't get too far off base, he could've said it apologetically. Instead, he had the audacity to ask me to drive up there to meet him. Seriously?

 

Sometimes you just have to wait for the Guy or Girl to become available.

I don't have to wait for a guy who doesn't make the time (a few seconds IN TWO DAYS ) to text me. End of. Edited October 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Ninjainpajamas,

Thanks for your post. As usual, your posts are great and make a lot of sense.

 

The reason I texted him was that our "parting" was a bit awkward (I am always awkward when saying goodbyes), and afterwards I just thought to myself that I wasn't sure if I flirted enough with him / showed enough interest. I guess I did show enough interest, but it's just that he didn't really like me enough to make that effort. I know that I acted in a similar way with my ex, and he texted me the morning after, wanted to see me the following night, went to dinner with me, etc. Sure, my ex wasn't in the army, but being in the army and texting are not mutually exclusive.

[NoMoreJerks]

Can't believe people are giving you a hard time. It's easy to see he isn't trying very hard. Some of it may be legit because of the army, but no way is it all due to that. I don't care how busy I am, i've never let a text go unanswered for more then about 2 hours, it's not hard to take 10 seconds away to send one. Even in the army, guaranteed there is at least one time in the day they could send a quick text, IF they wanted to.

 

Wait for someone who's willing to put in the effort to show they are really interested

It's sad/pathetic, really, that even my douchebag ex behaved better than this guy. I can only imagine how this guy would behave 4 months into a relationship, if he's acting like this NOW.....

 

Yeah, people want to make me believe that he couldn't spare 10 seconds when in bed, to send me a quick text..... seriously?! Guess the captain was reading him a bedtime story?

[jcrew11]

It's sad/pathetic, really, that even my douchebag ex behaved better than this guy. I can only imagine how this guy would behave 4 months into a relationship, if he's acting like this NOW.....

 

Yeah, people want to make me believe that he couldn't spare 10 seconds when in bed, to send me a quick text..... seriously?! Guess the captain was reading him a bedtime story?

 

As for the 15 miles rule, its because he has to be "ON CALL" to return to base in 15 minutes for any emergencies that come up. If he is a medic or doctor at a hospital, most doctors alternate weekends for "ON CALL" emergencies, or maybe its one weekend a month that he has to keep his beeper on "in case of emergency" or the hospital staff gets overwhelmed with cases. So some weekends he can be completely 'off base' but others are 'on call'

 

But military guys have all sorts of rules and responsibilities and they are unreliable as boyfriends/husbands because they have to spend so much time away from home. Sure, some military IT guys have access to computers, but other military jobs are stricter for protocol.

 

Basically, don't expect much communication or availability if you date a military guy.

 

But you sound like a angry and slightly bitter person who was treated poorly by your ex. You had sky-high expectations of this guy and got so emotional when he couldn't go out with you. Sure, he might have been playing games by not being more sure of his plans; but you also started playing games by ignoring his calls and his texts, so he stopped trusting you.

 

Let him play his games, but be the bigger and better person by not playing games yourself. If you want a straight answer from a guy, just ask him - don't wait around. If you know what you want, then as a strong feminist, call the guy and make the plans. If the guy waffles, then you know to cut him lose. Guys are usually clueless about dating, unless a strong woman takes charge with the dating plans.

[NoMoreJerks]

As for the 15 miles rule, its because he has to be "ON CALL" to return to base in 15 minutes for any emergencies that come up. If he is a medic or doctor at a hospital, most doctors alternate weekends for "ON CALL" emergencies, or maybe its one weekend a month that he has to keep his beeper on "in case of emergency" or the hospital staff gets overwhelmed with cases. So some weekends he can be completely 'off base' but others are 'on call'

He is not a medic yet. He does not work shifts. He is in training. In other words, he is going to school for it. He is not practicing yet.

 

Here's the relevant document on leaves. Nowhere does it state that there is a 25 km rule for leave: DGCB - CF Leave Policy Manual

 

 

But military guys have all sorts of rules and responsibilities and they are unreliable as boyfriends/husbands because they have to spend so much time away from home. Sure, some military IT guys have access to computers, but other military jobs are stricter for protocol.

What do computers have anything to do with texting?

 

 

But you sound like a angry and slightly bitter person who was treated poorly by your ex. You had sky-high expectations of this guy and got so emotional when he couldn't go out with you. Sure, he might have been playing games by not being more sure of his plans; but you also started playing games by ignoring his calls and his texts, so he stopped trusting you.

I am not angry at this guy for the way my ex treated me. I am angry because I deserve to be respected and was not. My sky-high expectations? Like expecting him to spend 15 seconds before going to bed, to text me? Or was the captain reading him a bed-time story?? Come on, stop covering this guy's ass for him. Really, there is no excuse for not having texted me for 2 days.

 

Let him play his games, but be the bigger and better person by not playing games yourself.

I was not playing games. I was genuinely displeased at his unreasonably slow pace at replying to my text, and was not interested in pursuing the matter further until he showed more interest.

 

If you want a straight answer from a guy, just ask him - don't wait around. If you know what you want, then as a strong feminist, call the guy and make the plans. If the guy waffles, then you know to cut him lose. Guys are usually clueless about dating, unless a strong woman takes charge with the dating plans.

Uh, I initiated the text, and suggested dinner. Given that he's the one with more time restrictions, I did not suggest a day/time because I don't know when he would be ABLE to get leave. I wasn't sure if he would be able to make it on the weekend, because he said some weekends he might be unable to get leave at all. Fair enough, so I left the day/time open. But what more could I have done, short of driving there and begging him to please like me and show interest in me? Really? I went out of my way more than I have ever done for a guy, including my ex. This has nothing to do with being bitter. It has everything to do with expecting a modicum of respect and getting none in return. Not even a "sorry, I was busy and this is the first time that I get the chance to text back." Instead, I got stuff like, "maybe you can drive up here and meet me here?" Really? Wow.

[RachR]

Another one for not being sure why you're being given a hard time...and why this guy is being defended so much. If my cousin in the army who has been to Afghanistan more than once can make time to find several different women to give him the three or four kids he has (I don't know, just what my parents tell me!), then I'm sure this guy could have found time to give a text! lol! He's not that interested, you can do better. I would delete him, too. And I hate text games. Someone who takes over a day to reply to a text, without even at least saying, "Sorry, I missed your text somehow!" should get written off.

Edited October 28, 2012 by RachR

[NoMoreJerks]

Also, jcrew11, I did not "ignore" his calls. First off, his 4 "calls" were 2 minutes apart each. I was busy, and couldn't pick up even though I heard the phone ring - I called him a few hours later. He didn't pick up, but texted me a few minutes after, saying his phone was on silent. Then he confirmed the plans for dinner.

[dasein]

Cell Phone Use in Army Basic Training

 

Factsheets : Cell Phone Use in BMT

 

https://forums.goarmy.com/message/561090

 

They are -not- allowed free use of a cellphone generally, and the consensus seems to be it varies by unit but may be limited to 15 minutes A WEEK or denied completely depending on the Instructor's individual policy.

 

After doing research, reiterate my opinion that OP should cut some slack on the frequency of contact and return of contact. The guy wanted to date OP but wanted to limit it to the 25 km range, sounds completely reasonable to me on reflection.

 

EDIT: and "being in the army" generally is not the same as being in Basic Training. Of course it's likely that soldiers on duty have much more access to cellphones than those in basic. I'm not trying to give OP a hard time, just trying to give common sense advice.

Edited October 28, 2012 by dasein

[NoMoreJerks]

Cell Phone Use in Army Basic Training

 

Factsheets : Cell Phone Use in BMT

 

https://forums.goarmy.com/message/561090

 

They are -not- allowed free use of a cellphone generally, and the consensus seems to be it varies by unit but may be limited to 15 minutes A WEEK or denied completely depending on the Instructor's individual policy.

 

After doing research, reiterate my opinion that OP should cut some slack on the frequency of contact and return of contact. The guy wanted to date OP but wanted to limit it to the 25 km range, sounds completely reasonable to me on reflection.

 

EDIT: and "being in the army" generally is not the same as being in Basic Training. Of course it's likely that soldiers on duty have much more access to cellphones than those in basic. I'm not trying to give OP a hard time, just trying to give common sense advice.

With all due respect, U.S army and Canadian army rules are different. There appear to be no cellphone use restrictions here in Canada, except in specified no-cellphone zones where you just have to turn off your cellphone because teh wireless detector will detect that your phone is on. That is all I have found. Feel free to prove me otherwise. This guy called / texted me on different days of the week, and so, it couldn't have been the case that his phone was collected or that he was not allowed to use the cellphone when not on active duty.

 

As for the U.S army, the guy I used to speak to was even stationed abroad. My friend's husband was stationed in Afghanistan and used to call her quite often. I really don't think guys in basic training have it much harder than those in Afghanistan. It all comes down to the willingness to make that phone call or , not even a phone call, just a 1 liner text. Unless phones were collected and not given back until the weekend (which clearly is not the case), I don't see how he could not have texted me for 2 days. Really, explain that to me. How did he make plans to meet up with his buddies last weekend? I am sure he texted them back and forth. It's all about how interested one is in the other person -- that determines how much effort they're willing to put into this.

 

The guy wanted to date OP but wanted to limit it to the 25 km range, sounds completely reasonable to me on reflection.

Sounds to me like booty call -- or at least the same type of disrespect that treating a woman as a booty call entails. Telling a woman you just met to drive up 70 km to meet you outside your base, is utterly disrespectful. I mean, sure, I can go the extra mile for someone I'm interested in, but I'm not going to drive 70 km to no-man's land to meet up with a guy I barely know. He could've at least been apologetic and instead of suggesting that, could've just said, sorry I really ****ed up by confirming without knowing all the details, can we maybe do this next week? Edited October 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[dasein]

With all due respect, U.S army and Canadian army rules are different. There appear to be no cellphone use restrictions here in Canada, except in specified no-cellphone zones where you just have to turn off your cellphone because teh wireless detector will detect that your phone is on. That is all I have found. Feel free to prove me otherwise.

 

I don't need to prove you otherwise because the most obvious thing learned from looking into this is that it is highly dependent on the Military Instructor in charge, case-by-case, and of course I could be wrong, but simple common sense dictates that there is no basic military training anywhere in any country that allows recruits to freely chat and text away on cellphones without restrictions while undergoing basic military training.

 

Further, I think you have a chip on your shoulder generally about dating currently, and until you work on that chip, you will always find something objectionable in the behavior of men you meet. Have seen that here on LS before, and encourage you to try to engage the next one you meet on a less strict, suspicious basis. It's great to be discerning in meeting, dating and nexting, I preach that all the time here, but perceive more than that going on in your dating attitude. Others have expressed the same opinion, whether doing it diplomatically or not, and IMO you should listen to them.

[NoMoreJerks]

there is no basic military training anywhere in any country that allows recruits to freely chat and text away on cellphones without restrictions while undergoing basic military training.

That was never the point. I never expected him to text me throughout the day, or call me and chat for hours. Sheesh. I merely expected him to RESPOND to my text earlier than 2 days. Even if there are restrictions on cellphone use during the day, how hard is it to text a girl when going to bed? Seriously, are you saying it's impossible? It's only common courtesy to respond to a text. Like I said, I don't see any justification for this, unless his cellphone was collected, which is CLEARLY NOT the case.

 

Further, I think you have a chip on your shoulder generally about dating currently, and until you work on that chip, you will always find something objectionable in the behavior of men you meet.

Really? A chip on my shoulder? For expecting that a guy have enough respect to text me sooner than 2 days? For expecting that a guy at least say sorry for a delayed response? For expecting that a guy not blow me off like he did, on some flimsy excuse? No, that is NO CHIP on my shoulder. That is common sense and not a high standard at all. Respect is all I was asking for. Nothing more, nothing less. But if THAT is not there, then what's in it for me, really, in giving this guy a "chance"? Clearly, he does not have the manners to even apologize or explain the situation. Not everyone is knowledgeable about army rules. If this was genuinely about that, he could have just clarified apologetically. Again, so many things he COULD have done, to dispel my suspicions, but he appears to be doing all the wrong things time and again. He's either stupid, or not interested. Not sure which is worse. But they're both bad.

[dasein]

The "chip" is in not taking the guy at his word about his particular life circumstances instead of accepting what he told you and cutting some slack. You were obviously suspicious of him way too fast. Your username is "nomorejerks," and that together with what you have posted in this thread leads me to conclude that you are expecting flawless early contact behavior and if it doesn't result, you are not going to go "oh well, them's the breaks" but rather complain over and over about it here or elsewhere. IMO until this chip is gone, your interactions with men will become self-fulfilling prophecies of them disappointing your over-rigorous expectations. Posters I almost never agree with have picked up on this also, it isn't just me.

 

Do you have any idea the crap men go through trying to meet and date flaky women out there? What you are complaining about is "business as usual" for most men out dating, not complaint worthy. In fact, a man who got bent because a woman didn't call or text him back two days after him calling would be laughed out of here, rightfully so, if he made a big deal of it. The advice would be move on and thicken your skin, and that advice is the same in your case. In this case, a stranger has given you reasonable life circumstances that restrict his dating, yet you have been hauling out a noose at every opportunity. At the very worst, he has decided he doesn't want to go out on a date with you, and is making polite excuses to let you down lightly, something women do with men every day of the world if they don't merely ignore us when they aren't interested. There's no villain in this thread other than your unrealistic expectations and heightened sensitivity.

[suladas]

The "chip" is in not taking the guy at his word about his particular life circumstances instead of accepting what he told you and cutting some slack. You were obviously suspicious of him way too fast. Your username is "nomorejerks," and that together with what you have posted in this thread leads me to conclude that you are expecting flawless early contact behavior and if it doesn't result, you are not going to go "oh well, them's the breaks" but rather complain over and over about it here or elsewhere. IMO until this chip is gone, your interactions with men will become self-fulfilling prophecies of them disappointing your over-rigorous expectations. Posters I almost never agree with have picked up on this also, it isn't just me.

 

Do you have any idea the crap men go through trying to meet and date flaky women out there? What you are complaining about is "business as usual" for most men out dating, not complaint worthy. In fact, a man who got bent because a woman didn't call or text him back two days after him calling would be laughed out of here, rightfully so, if he made a big deal of it. The advice would be move on and thicken your skin, and that advice is the same in your case. In this case, a stranger has given you reasonable life circumstances that restrict his dating, yet you have been hauling out a noose at every opportunity. At the very worst, he has decided he doesn't want to go out on a date with you, and is making polite excuses to let you down lightly, something women do with men every day of the world if they don't merely ignore us when they aren't interested. There's no villain in this thread other than your unrealistic expectations and heightened sensitivity.

 

I call BS. I met a girl from OLD and one night she didn't text me till the next afternoon when I was trying to set a meet up, the only reason I didn't write her off for that was because she said she was sick. Otherwise, taking almost 24 hours to reply to a text, next please.....

 

Polite excuse? What's with everyone thinking games are ok? Annoys me so much. Be forward and honest, especially over a text it's not hard.

[NoMoreJerks]

The "chip" is in not taking the guy at his word about his particular life circumstances

Eh? Guy's word about his circumstances???!?!? He has not provided one bit of that. That is why I said, if he had said, apologetically, that he couldn't text me because of cellphone rules, or whatever, I would've been fine with it. However, he has NOT TOLD ME ANYTHING about the difficulties of maintaining contact while doing basic training. He even gave me a hard time because I did not have a smartphone. A guy who appreciates circumstances and is unable to use his cellphone often, would not be so big on the necessity of having the latest phone on the market...

 

instead of accepting what he told you and cutting some slack.

What did he tell me? The only thing in the way of an explanation - for a cancelled date -- was that he just found out that he can't go more than 25km away from base. Did he just find out about that rule? OK, fair enough, let's assume he did. Why not take on a more apologetic tone, instead of suggesting that I drive there? Are you for real? Are you really expecting that ANY girl, not a girl with a chip on her shoulder as you claim I am , would drive up 70 km to meet a stranger in a place she is completely and utterly unfamiliar with, and which is in the middle of f*cking nowhere?

 

You were obviously suspicious of him way too fast.

No, I was not - I gave him the benefit of the doubt MULTIPLE TIMES. I waited for him to contact me. 2 days went by, he didn't contact me. I said, fine, maybe he's busy, maybe he's doing the 3-day contact rule, maybe he's not sure I'm interested -- so let me text him. I text him. 2 days go by, no response. Fine, maybe he's busy. Then he texts me, without any apology. At this point, I'm not suspicious, but pretty pissed at his nonchalantness. In that text, he suggested a day, but nothing more. I did not reply to that text because I didn't think it was respectful enough. Any woman who has an ounce of self-respect would've told this guy to piss off much sooner than I did. He then called me, persistently, 4 times in 10 minutes. I was ****ing busy. He expected me to pick up ? He's the busiest person in the world, so much so that it takes him 2 days to respond to a text, but I'm expected to pick up the phone as soon as it rings, because I have no life of my own, no places to be at, no work to do, etc. Right? Again, insulting. But I have no voicemail, fine. Couldn't have texted me? Oh yeah, can't, too busy, captain is nearby... even though he had just called me .. 4 times. Yeah. So then I call him, a few hours later, after I get home. Oh yeah, again, too busy to pick up.. Oops, no, this time the phone is on silent. Fine, ok, I buy that too. Then he suggests tomorrow, and I ask, cool, what time and place works for you? He said he was open to any time/place, and asks me to decide. So I suggest the time and place.He says, cool, looking forward to it. I say, me too. Then, the next morning, he texts me and unapologetically tells me he can't make it because of that 25 km thing. "damn military!" (again, the nonchalantness, and no apology for blowing me off and blowing my weekend plans off). Even if it wasn't his fault, at this point, he should have apologized, if only for booking off my saturday evening and then cancelling on the morning of. I gave him so many benefits of the doubt, I have run out of benefits to give out, really.

 

Your username is "nomorejerks," and that together with what you have posted in this thread leads me to conclude that you are expecting flawless early contact behavior

No, my username indicates what it says: I expect no more jerks. I will not date, or entertain, or waste my time on, jerks. That is all. This guy has not demonstrated that he is anything but a jerk. His behaviour consistently portrays him as such. ANd yet you want me to give him the benefit of the doubt again, even though I've done it so many times, and even though he has not provided much explanation for the unacceptable lag time in responding.

 

your interactions with men will become self-fulfilling prophecies of them disappointing your over-rigorous expectations.

With jerks it will probably be -- but not with decent men who do not play mind games and who respect the woman that they intend on dating. A man will usually be on his best behaviour in the first month or so, or at least the first few dates. If this is this jerk's best behaviour, then he is not good enough. Over-rigorous expectations? No. More like, the expectation that I would not be played with, blown off last minute, and not even given an apologetic explanation for it. Instead, disrespected by being expected to drive up 70 km to meet up with him -- like saying, "if you like me so much, yeah, drive up here, cos I am too ****ing lazy to make the effort, or cos my circumstances don't allow me to." I appreciate life circumstances, but I would've expected an apology for being blown off like this. But no, apparently he has too huge an ego to apologize. Again, there are more red flags on this one than there are in China.

 

The advice would be move on and thicken your skin

Oh, and I have moved on. Except that people like you are trying to convince me that this guy is all-deserving and that it was all my fault, all about my super-high standards and expectations. Give me a ****ing break. If my expectation that a guy mssg me soon after receiving my text, is too high, then you must be expecting me to be a dependent, needy woman waiting on her man to pay her some attention, and will wait for him forever, even if he never shows up. Really? **** that. I am not doing that. I am not putting myself in an abusive situation of this sort again. I refuse to let anyone take me for granted again. It is really not that high a standard. It's a standard every human being who has an ounce of self-respect will have.

 

a stranger has given you reasonable life circumstances that restrict his dating

He has not said this. I don't know where you come up with this. If he had said this, I would've simply said, ok, so you can't date because it's so hard for you to do this sort of thing. OK, understood, too bad, cos I really liked you. Good luck and it was nice meeting you! But no, this guy didn't provide much of an explanation , didn't say his dating life is restricted, didn't indicate he is not interested in dating. His plan is to string me along? Meet up when he can, and keep me attached to him? And I'm supposed to wait around and not date other men in the meantime?

 

he has decided he doesn't want to go out on a date with you, and is making polite excuses to let you down lightly, something women do with men every day of the world if they don't merely ignore us when they aren't interested.

I got that hint when he didn't text me for 2 days. No need to have played the cold/hot thing with me, if that were the case. Let me down lightly? Yeah, blowing someone's weekend off after scheduling a date yourself, is very "light". No, this guy does not want to go on a date with me. He wants to keep the option of casual sex with me open, though. That is why he is playing games like this. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to go on a date with me, but wants to keep in touch with me so that he can keep that option open. I am not a baby. I can accept it when someone tells me to my face that they are not interested. One guy took my number once, because he realized I liked him. He was being polite. He texted me , saying he had had a good time with me. I said, it would be great to meet up again. He said he doesn't think it was going to work out between us, since he is in another city. You know what? Yes, it hurt, but I was cool with it, and I respected him for being honest instead of playing games.

 

There's no villain in this thread other than your unrealistic expectations and heightened sensitivity.

Wow, yeah. Brilliant. Now my expectations are the villain... yup. Apparently I have too much self-respect. I should accept to be trampled on. Apparently , my weekend being blown off without even so much as an apology, was not enough. Yup, no villains there other than me and my evil, sky-high expectations... Edited October 28, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[jcrew11]

I admit it, you are right, don't call him again, delete him from your phone, he's not interested in being with you right now for whatever reason.

 

But, I don't know if you are just venting, but you might have severe anxiety issues that you might want to seek a professional opinion. I don't know if every man that you meet will implicitly know to call you within 2 days, but you seem to be more interested in "Traditional and Conservative Dating" so the best place to meet Traditional and Conservative men is at Church. Christian and Church-going men are reliable, moral, and monogamous. They are interested in serious long-term relationships and marriage.

 

The men you meet at bars and elsewhere just make up their own rules on their own schedules, and are expecting flaky girls, instead of conservative girls.

[suladas]

I admit it, you are right, don't call him again, delete him from your phone, he's not interested in being with you right now for whatever reason.

 

But, I don't know if you are just venting, but you might have severe anxiety issues that you might want to seek a professional opinion. I don't know if every man that you meet will implicitly know to call you within 2 days, but you seem to be more interested in "Traditional and Conservative Dating" so the best place to meet Traditional and Conservative men is at Church. Christian and Church-going men are reliable, moral, and monogamous. They are interested in serious long-term relationships and marriage.

 

The men you meet at bars and elsewhere just make up their own rules on their own schedules, and are expecting flaky girls, instead of conservative girls.

 

Your assumptions are hilarious. Just because a guy goes to bars, etc doesn't mean he won't treat a women right and be prompt with communication. I don't fit your model though, I go to bars, and i'd like a LTR and eventually marriage, but i'm not the whole church going type like you imply, odd.

 

I don't know about you, but me and a ton of guys I know if they are really into a girl will make time for them, plan things around them, and well everyone knows when they are into a girl because they aren't hanging out with friends nearly as much anymore sometimes at all because they want to spend more time with the girl.

[jcrew11]

Your assumptions are hilarious. Just because a guy goes to bars, etc doesn't mean he won't treat a women right and be prompt with communication. I don't fit your model though, I go to bars, and i'd like a LTR and eventually marriage, but i'm not the whole church going type like you imply, odd.

 

I don't know about you, but me and a ton of guys I know if they are really into a girl will make time for them, plan things around them, and well everyone knows when they are into a girl because they aren't hanging out with friends nearly as much anymore sometimes at all because they want to spend more time with the girl.

 

Then go ahead and call up the OP, but it has to be in 2 days, not 3 days. If you wait 3 days, then you are deleted and forgotten about forever. Also, she doesn't have voicemail, so if she is busy or screens her calls like most girls, then you can't even leave a message. Then, the guy thinks, oh she's avoiding my calls and is not interested, just another flaky girl who gives her numbers out to guys every weekend. Also, you will have to maintain a long distance relationship of 1 hour away, but she can't come visit you ever, and your only option is to visit her. The OP asked for advice, and got angry when the guy didn't respond to her texts. She was trying to "create a serious relationship" that was DOA for numerous reasons, including driving distance, the guys' profession, and either person's financial situation. I admit, its easier for girls to become bitter and angry over being dumped and used by players. But sometimes you gotta relax, and not get angry when someone you just met doesn't call you. Its actually frightening, scary, and a huge turnoff for a girl to have all these rules immediately. She may be in a rush to find a serious boyfriend or husband because her biological clock is ticking. But guys in 2012 are in no rush, and the widespread acceptance of having children out of wedlock, means men don't ever need to be monogamous or get married.

 

As for meeting drunk guys in bars, who want serious girlfriends, good luck. But she will have much more luck and save time, finding the man who meets her expectations at Church or somewhere that does not have alcohol.

 

I think girls like the OP "expect serious interest and passion immediately" and a guy who "has love at first sight" and can't wait to call the girl.

 

But there are a lot of relationships and marriages that start out slow. Where the guy or girl may not even "like" the other person at first. But slowly over time, they fell in love. I just don't believe that "2 days" is enough for a guy to decide whether he wants to date a girl. He may even have other options, like with online dating, and is deciding between several girls to ask out.

 

But the best man for the OP is a wimpy whipped guy who is attentive and available. They really aren't that hard to find. Look for guys that are short, balding, glasses, fat, and average-looking with a love for warcraft.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OH MY GOD.

 

I can't believe that you don't realize how inappropriate your reactions to this MEETING A GUY IN A BAR ONE TIME has become.

 

Let me break it down for you:

 

You met a stranger in a bar.

 

You drank shots.

 

You talked.

 

You had a lot of negative things to say about him.

 

You exchanged contact information.

 

HE DID NOT CONTACT YOU.

 

You contacted him. And all the rest of this frenetic spinning is based upon … NOTHING.

 

NOTHING FREAKING HAPPENED.

 

All the rest of this thread is devoted to your desperate attempts to create something out of nothing. "Once bitten twice shy"? You can't get "bitten" when nothing is happening. You can't get "bitten" from spending some time with a person you are interested in, getting to know them a little bit. Which HAS NOT EVEN HAPPENED. AT ALL.

 

You have serious boundary issues (I got this from your other threads about the guy who was okay with having sex with you when he visited your city - and you think of as a "serious relationship.")

 

 

I hope you will work on getting these sorted out before getting yourself in more inappropriate messes. You WILL end up hurt unless you get a handle on YOURSELF.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Can't believe people are giving you a hard time. It's easy to see he isn't trying very hard. Some of it may be legit because of the army, but no way is it all due to that. I don't care how busy I am, i've never let a text go unanswered for more then about 2 hours, it's not hard to take 10 seconds away to send one.

 

I'm not giving a hard time because of who the guy is or what he is or isn't doing. I am giving a hard time for the OP getting her knickers in a twist and for projecting all kinds of attributes to a guy who she has only met one time, and I don't think has even spoken to on the phone. EVEN ONE TIME.

 

It's normal social behavior. Meet a person, feel interested (even though I am not sure about this part - she wrote a lot of negative impressions of this guy after meeting him), exchange contact info and then …

 

either something comes of that, or it does not.

 

In this case, nothing has.

 

Personally (and I am NOT a believer in "contact rules,") for THIS OP, I think she never should have texted him when he didn't contact her first. If he wanted to go on a date, he had her info. If he didn't want to, or couldn't make it work because of life, or whatever, he did not have to.

 

If you, OP, were grounded enough to have sent that initial text and then just let things happen, or not happen, that would have been fine.

 

Also, I'd like to add - even if he HAD texted you, and you HAD gone to dinner, you are so jumping the gun with all of the analysis of his character and laying your expectations on him at such early stages.

 

The point of even having a dinner is for you and he to pay attention to each other and find out who you each are, and whether there might be potential.

 

I think you are not capable of doing that, and you really might benefit from some counseling so that you might be able to handle having a relationship one day in the not too distant future. Because I know you really do want one.

[NoMoreJerks]

I admit it, you are right, don't call him again, delete him from your phone, he's not interested in being with you right now for whatever reason.

 

But, I don't know if you are just venting, but you might have severe anxiety issues that you might want to seek a professional opinion. I don't know if every man that you meet will implicitly know to call you within 2 days, but you seem to be more interested in "Traditional and Conservative Dating" so the best place to meet Traditional and Conservative men is at Church. Christian and Church-going men are reliable, moral, and monogamous. They are interested in serious long-term relationships and marriage.

 

The men you meet at bars and elsewhere just make up their own rules on their own schedules, and are expecting flaky girls, instead of conservative girls.

Oh please. I am neither traditional nor conservative. Expecting that someone who wanted to meet up with me in the future to get to know me, would show some decent, respectful behaviour, does not mean one is traditional or conservative, or that she should preferably try to find men at a church. You make me laugh, with the insane conclusions you draw from my posts. All I said was, if this guy did not respond to my text for 2 days, then it is safe to assume that he has poor manners or is simply not interested. As simple as that. No need for any further conclusions about my personality, my alleged "problems", or supposedly sky-high expectations. There were no expectations that anything would come out of this. Just that a man would have the decency to explain the delayed text mssg, and/or apologize given the way the whole planning of the date panned out. THAT IS ALL. If he doesn't, which was the case, I'll chalk it up to bad manners or disinterestedness on his part, and move on. Big deal. But I see no reason to give him a chance or the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. That is what a few of you said I should have done, and I see no logic behind that. Now you are turning this around and claiming I invested too many expectations that something would come out of meeting a stranger in a bar. I did not. I simply thought we'd exchange numbers and maybe meet up, and see where it went and whether or not we were compatible or this had the chance to work out given his career choice. In fact, I went in with ZERO expectations since I know for a fact that someone in the army is probably not a good match for me, given MY OWN career choice, and inability to pack up and move with him wherever he went, and unwillingness to not see someone I'm having a relationship with (or worse, married to,) for years.

 

It is an urban legend that all men in a bar are "bad" people or that nothing will come out of meeting them. I have a few friends who have met their now-husbands in bars. I go to bars, and I consider myself to be a nice person who wants a relationship, not a ONS. Many of my male friends go to bars (on their own or in groups), and they are nice people, some married, others single - but not the ONS types. Are there a lot of jerks in bars who are simply looking for ONS? Sure. That is the whole point of trying to filter out the bad ones. That is why his behaviour and mannerisms post-bar meet-up is so important. It indicates whether he's interested in a relationship, or has the good manners that would allow him to get into a relationship or to maintain one. If he doesn't, then he simply is not relationship material and probably knows it. If he can't respect me enough via text, by providing a half-assed apology -- guess what, he won't be respecting me any more than that in person.

[Emilia]

Well, I called him just now (10:30pm) and he did not pick up. It went to voicemail. His mssg on the voicemail? Something along the lines of: "I'm in basic training at the moment, so won't be able to answer phone calls until much later at night, but if you need to get a hold of me, it's faster to do it via text." Clearly, this is not a guy who cannot text during the day. Actually, when he texted me, he did it at like 6 pm, ditto for the call. How hard is it to text me at night, when in bed anyway? I am not buying this army excuse. Anyway, did my bit and called, but really, this is not off to a real good start...

 

:confused:

 

The army isn't created for anyone's convenience. Training is done at different times, sometimes they go on exercise for days on end, sometimes in the middle of the night so he will get his rest at different times. He won't always have his phone on him either. Or - rather inconveniently - he won't always have reception either! Imagine!

 

The Army is not 9-5

 

Excuse??

 

Otherwise I'm with Mme Chaucer, you are way way way deep into something with a complete stranger.