Met a guy -- contact "rules"?

October 27, 2012

So I met a guy last Saturday -- at the local pub. He was sitting next to me , with his friends, and he asked me if I wanted to have a shot with them. I said sure, and we started talking. We talked for a good 3 hours, about ourselves, what we did, our hobbies, etc. At the end of the night, we exchanged numbers, and he hugged me. He seemed interested, and I thought he wasn't just looking for a one-night stand...

He didn't text me for the next 2 days. I thought maybe I didn't manage to show him that I was interested? So I texted him 2 days later, saying, I had enjoyed my time with him, and that I hoped to see him again soon, and suggested that we could have dinner some time.. He didn't reply for a day and a half.. I didn't send him anything agian. And then he texted me back, saying that he also had enjoyed our time together, and that maybe we could go to dinner, tentatively , on a Saturday evening? But he said he had to confirm , since he sometimes can't get the weekends off the army..

I was pretty upset that it took him so long to reply. I mean, I find that inexcusable in this day and age... Was I impatient? I guess. But I felt like he was taking me for granted, or was not interested in me. Anyway, I didn't reply to that text. That was sent this past Wednesday. In the meantime, he didn't follow up on his text to confirm whether or not we were "on" for the dinner. But maybe it was because I didn't reply to his text, where he was asking about Saturday... I don't know. Anyway, I was out shopping today, and he called me.. I didn't pick up, because I had my hands full with stuff. He called me like, 4 times in the span of 10 minutes. I don't have voice mail. He didn't text me afterwards, though.

I don't know how to deal with this situation now. I was interested initially but admittedly am a bit turned off by his sluggish pace in replying to my texts. And then the whole calling me 4 times in the span of 10 minutes just made me freak out a bit... I feel bad for him. Maybe he realized he had turned me off? I don't know.

I guess I'm wondering if I should call him, or text him, or do neither.. And if I do call him, what should I say?? How soon should I call? He called me at 5pm today, and it's 8:50 pm right now. I guess I can't call him today anymore, and if I don't call him today, then there's no chance of having a date tomorrow, clearly.

He's in basic training in the armed forces, and is training/studying to be paramedic / medic as well. Just to give context in case the lag time in replying is due to that?

October 27, 2012

What do you mean you don't know how to handle it? You return his communication. Simple. A phone call tonight would be good.

This all started because YOU decided 36 hours is "too long" to get back to someone and so you stopped responding even though YOU were the one who suggested dinner. He very well could have been busy at work in the meanwhile.

To this guy it looks like overall you are either playing games (by not returning communication) or at the very least overthinking things (by trying to figure out what his waiting 36 hours to get back to you--not unreasonable given his line of work btw--really "means". At any rate your suddenly not responding shows a lack of common courtesy on your part.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Imajerk17

October 27, 2012

He is in the middle of basic training. Give him a break, OP. He probably had to sneak out to make those four calls.

If you like him, get in touch. If not, leave him to it.

As an aside, if you want to pursue long-term with him and he becomes a career soldier, you'd better get used to that lag. If you can't handle the sporadic and unreliable contact, then best to leave this one alone.

October 27, 2012

Is this the same guy you posted about on another thread?

he was coming off as ... i don't know how to put it... kinda rude... he started talking about embarassing experiences he had had, and some of the stuff he said, he should've kept to himself... I laughed with him about it, but I was doing it out of courtesy, not because I found it funny. I found it rather gross... I don't know why he started acting that way -- maybe he had had too much to drink. But whatever the case, I was not impressed.

Did you change your mind about him?

October 27, 2012

Havent changed my mind about him. Actually my mind is not made up. Was just wondering what te best way to go about this is, if i decided to give this a chance. But there are so many factors foing against him so far, including the fact that he's in the army... I don't know.... But also, want to make sure i don't get burned again. Once bitten twice shy...

October 27, 2012

Agree with january about the basic training thing, but all the same don't feel his interest level is that high, but OTOH there is not enough data. Up to you whether you call him back, but either do it with an open mind or don't call, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder, if you can't get rid of the chip, it won't be worth your time. If he tries to pressure you into bed fast, and doesn't contact again if you don't comply, you will have enough data for an answer.

How is it that you don't have voicemail? I don't understand that at all in "this day and age," as you say.

October 27, 2012

Well, I called him just now (10:30pm) and he did not pick up. It went to voicemail. His mssg on the voicemail? Something along the lines of: "I'm in basic training at the moment, so won't be able to answer phone calls until much later at night, but if you need to get a hold of me, it's faster to do it via text." Clearly, this is not a guy who cannot text during the day. Actually, when he texted me, he did it at like 6 pm, ditto for the call. How hard is it to text me at night, when in bed anyway? I am not buying this army excuse. Anyway, did my bit and called, but really, this is not off to a real good start...

October 27, 2012

You should buy the basic training excuse to an extent. Put yourself in a drill sergeant's position, are you going to allow recruits to sit around on their cellphones all day? I bet there are harsh penalties for getting caught on a cell during duty hours. They can get away with texting easier because it is relatively silent.

October 27, 2012

You should buy the basic training excuse to an extent. Put yourself in a drill sergeant's position, are you going to allow recruits to sit around on their cellphones all day? I bet there are harsh penalties for getting caught on a cell during duty hours. They can get away with texting easier because it is relatively silent.

Yeah, but the problem is that it took him 2 days to text me..... I wasn't even expecting him to call -- but I was expecting that he would at the very least text... which he didn't, until I texted him, and even then, it was TWO days AFTER I texted him. I mean, it can't be THAT hard.. he could've texted me while in bed.. Surely he gets some time off , to eat, or to sleep....?

Anyhow, he just texted me saying he had his phone on silent when I called (not sure I buy that excuse). He then said, he has tomorrow night off, how about meeting up.. I said, sounds good -- what time and where? He said , you pick, I am open. So I picked a restaurant... got a date at 8pm... We'll see how it goes.. this is going to be... awkward... and unnerving..

October 27, 2012

Some initial meetings do come up as awkward coz' both are still gauging/feeling their way around.

I suggest you meet up with him and just try to have fun. Expecting too much at this point might just burn you up. Just keep an open mind, enjoy the conversations and just go with the flow. If it didn't turn out well at least you tried.

October 27, 2012

What kinds of stuff do people talk about on dates anyway?? I feel like we talked about everything in the 3 hours that we spent together hahaha. I know a lot about him at this point, what he likes, etc. So those stuff I can't ask again... I am just worried I will run out of things to talk about, and the date will just be a collection of awkward silences.

October 27, 2012

How is it that you don't have voicemail? I don't understand that at all in "this day and age," as you say.

I need to get an extra plan for voicemail -- doesn't come with my plan. And it's bloody expensive. I am still a student and can't afford all that stuff -- voice mail, data plan. I don't even have a smartphone. But I do respond promptly to texts, unless someone appears to be playing mind games with me. I don't think voicemail is a necessity. It's actually pretty outdated. I had it at some point because I got a special offer for a plan, and I never had anyone leave me a mssg.

October 27, 2012

What kinds of stuff do people talk about on dates anyway?? I feel like we talked about everything in the 3 hours that we spent together hahaha. I know a lot about him at this point, what he likes, etc. So those stuff I can't ask again... I am just worried I will run out of things to talk about, and the date will just be a collection of awkward silences.

Haha you are so cute..can you imagine those who are married for 20yrs or more. Well, you can basically just discuss anything that comes in your mind at that moment. The atmosphere, food, thoughts, music and sights..Be spontaneous but don't share your entire life yet. Leave some to the imagination. It should come natural if you are really so into the person.

But if everything is so forced and agonizing then you can just move on and find that person you are more in sync with. You know that type that you just can't get enough of..

October 27, 2012

Haha you are so cute..can you imagine those who are married for 20yrs or more. Well, you can basically just discuss anything that comes in your mind at that moment. The atmosphere, food, thoughts, music and sights..Be spontaneous but don't share your entire life yet. Leave some to the imagination. It should come natural if you are really so into the person.

OK, that makes sense. haha. Well, true -- but to be fair, people who are already in a relationship don't have to be on "guard" all the time; let's face it, at the initial stages of dating, you want to avoid that sort of awkwardness that might turn the other person off.. in a relationship/marriage, that sort of thing is usually not relevant since you are comfortable around each other.

But if everything is so forced and agonizing then you can just move on and find that person you are more in sync with. You know that type that you just can't get enough of..

That would've been my ex. Conversations with him used to flow so smoothly, I didn't even have to think about it. Oh well.

We will see how this goes. When we first met, the conversations were rather smooth, but he was the one bringing up topics...

October 27, 2012

Stop chasing this guy. If he is interested, he will ask you out. You keep texting and calling...just stop. Stop initiating and let him lead.

October 27, 2012

Good luck on the date. Let us know how it goes.

October 27, 2012

Extreme over thinking and analyzing for a guy you sat by in a bar for 3 hours. Who you seemed to dislike! There are not "rules". If you want to go out with him, call him and leave this message: "I'd like to have dinner with you. Let me know when!" And the balls in his court.

If you do not want to go out with him, do nothing

But why don't you have voicemail?

October 27, 2012

Figures... she can't live up to her own name

October 27, 2012

Stop chasing this guy. If he is interested, he will ask you out. You keep texting and calling...just stop. Stop initiating and let him lead.

lol, I did not chase him. The only thing *I* have done so far is text him ONCE. That is all I did.

October 27, 2012

Extreme over thinking and analyzing for a guy you sat by in a bar for 3 hours. Who you seemed to dislike! There are not "rules". If you want to go out with him, call him and leave this message: "I'd like to have dinner with you. Let me know when!" And the balls in his court.

If you do not want to go out with him, do nothing

But why don't you have voicemail?

Well, if you read my posts, I ALREADY did that. That's ALL I did. I wasn't overanalyzing. I just don't want to waste my time on someone who is not interested or who, because of career choices, or personality, etc., is not a good match.. I did leave the ball in his court. I only initiated once, and that was to let him know I was interested in him and suggested dinner. He texted me, and I didn't respond because it took him unreasonably long to respond. At that point, I was thinking, he does not seem to be too keen. Then he called me, so I called him BACK. He didn't pick up, but then texted me. Fair enough. Anyway, we set a date for today at 8pm.

BUT here's the thing: He just texted me this:

"Good morning! I just got told that my leave pass is only good for 25km?! So getting to [your city] is out for me? Damn military! Anyway you can get out here? If not I shouldn't have any restrictions next weekend, as we go into the field for 2 weeks and people will go home to see their families."

So basically, he pretty much cancelled on me. The odds of me making it to where he is stationed, is just... no, not going to happen. First off, I don't own a car (I don't need it because I live downtown). Second, even if I did, I'm not about to drive there to meet him. So that's that.

I really don't know if this is genuine army rules, or , even if such rules exist, it REALLY is what happened -- or if he's bull****ting me. I met him IN MY CITY last weekend, and the 25km limit didn't seem to be a problem then, even though he was not going on any field training.

At this point, I'm either going to ignore his text and completely forget about him because 1) he's not interested ; 2) too complicated for this to work out between us. OR, i'm gonna send him a short text saying "no problem, some other time maybe" and just leave it at that. I don't think I even want to try again at this point.

Edited October 27, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

October 27, 2012

Just texted him , saying "OK. No problem. Some other time, maybe. Have a good weekend."

Disappointed.

If he texts me or calls me again, I am not answering. As far as I'm concerned, it's over. He's not interested, or we're not a good fit, or both.

I just deleted all his texts and his number from my phone.

Edited October 27, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

October 27, 2012

Just texted him , saying "OK. No problem. Some other time, maybe. Have a good weekend."

Disappointed.

If he texts me or calls me again, I am not answering. As far as I'm concerned, it's over. He's not interested, or we're not a good fit, or both.

I just deleted all his texts and his number from my phone.

You're either incredibly selfish or incredibly naive about the military. He's protecting the country, and you're concerned that he doesn't have phone call priveleges. Also, he is on duty 24/7 with a commanding officer controlling every minute of his life. He only gets "free time" on the weekends.

First off, as I told the other girl, 2 days is not too long for Busy, Employed Men to not call. Men only call if "they want to make plans for the weekend" and they call when they have time and on their schedule. No man wants to look like a "needy, desperate, wimp" in calling "too soon."

Men have jobs and other resposibilities besides "planning dates with girls he just met and barely knows." The longest you should wait is 7 days.

As for this military soldier, he texts because its easier and less distracting to his commanding officer. If a woman worked at a retail store, no manager will want her talking on her cell phone at work and annoying customers. He kept calling you because "you don't have voicemail to leave a message" and may not heard the phone; and he only gets phone privileges at certain hours while on break.

So many girls never get one phone call from a guy; and you have a guy who is legitimately trying to reach you; and you turn him down. You just seem way too anxious, angry, and quick to judge. Maybe you have guys hitting on you everyday, so you can act spoiled in dating, and can be picky with guys. It just appears really difficult for any guy to be the perfect man for you.

October 27, 2012

Are you for real? First off, he does not protect the country. He is not even halfway throug basic training. Also, he is training to be a medic, not a soldier. Moreover, I am not sold on giving someobe more chance than he deserves or more chance than i would give any other guy just because he is doing a "patriotic" duty. I am not big on the whole patriotism craze to begin with.

Moreoever, give me a damn break. I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt multiple times. Fair enough that he didnt call, didnt respond to texts promptly, etc. But the whole 25 km pass thing? And he supposedly found out the morning of? What about last week when he was in my city? He didnt have field exercises then, so he couldnt have gotten one of those extended passes. How did he manage it then? My theory is this: hes not really interested but doesnt wanna be a douchebag and tell me outright, and knew i wouldnt drive all the way there to meet up, also, that it would turn me off so much that i would not ask again unless he does. He wont ask again next week. The other possibility is that he just used me as an ego boost. Asked me to pick a location, then blew me off. Or, he is playing mind games and wants to see how far im willing to accommodate him. Or, his buddies came up wit a better plan, maybe partying it up for halloween. Who the hell knows. All i know is that, even if hes being completely honest, this is not **** i am willing to put up with.

Edited October 27, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

October 27, 2012

Also, the whole thing about not being able to talk at all bcs he has someone over his head all te time? Bull****. I used to talk to a guy in te U.S army, and we used to talk often. Aside from the times where he had to do PT, or other tasks, he was free and could skype with me,

October 27, 2012

You should have never initiated contact after you spoke with him first, in my book that's a big no-no and comes off already as catering to his interest and trying to move things forward by "showing interest" (which I think is lame tbh, you shouldn't need to do that at this point, i see no reason for it personally), you should have let him lead the way and initiate contact and a date, therefore you can say you did not provoke his interest because if he was on the fence about you after talking to a girl half-buzzed at a bar and realized he wasn't all that interested he may just go for it since you're showing good interest by initiating contact. I personally don't feel that men need that nudge and if they do they need to work on their own apprehensions, a man has to take the risk, three hours of conversation with a woman should be plenty of incentive to drop one nut and be able to make a simple phone call or text, why you think that you didn't put yourself out there is just a way of you accepting that you did nothing wrong...that's your opinion and right but this is the exact situation I expected because I know if this guy was really interested in you he'd have figured out a way to contact...whether he had to sneak into the bathroom to take a dump and drop you or a text or give you a warning that he wasn't near his phone until X day, he's not an idiot or child, he can speak and put forth effort IMO.

At best you'll be a side-thing, he doesn't seem to have the time available to invest in anything more, nor has he made it even remotely clear that he was really into you..so considering those two facts i think it's in your interest to walk away...this guy could very easily be a jerk with the cards he has shown even though he is coming off respectable, you don't know him that well over 3 hours, a guy can be anything he wants in the time and with any advice from his service buddies I'm sure they could drop him a few pointers at the least.

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