Long term partner cheating

[flower blossom]

Hi don't know if this is the right section to post in but here goes

 

I have been with my partner for 13 years but lately he's changed he's had his moments over the years but this time its different.

Ok I've had my suspicions he's been cheating on me the last 2/3 months. He finishes work at 5am but don't get home till gone 7 this is a 20 minute drive home. I don't know how long this has gone on as I'm asleep I only found out when I woke up at 7 and he was sneaking in but when I asked him why is he late he said was a busy night. Ok so I believed him at first then I caught him lying as his phone he left it downstairs by accident and one day I seen a message of his mate saying nice to see you this morning was good having a couple of hours catch up thanks for the lift home. So I asked my partner how come he was late home again and he lied saying he was in work was really busy again. Then all texts of his phone had been deleted again. I never asked him why he lied at first I know this is his mate so why not just say he seen his mate n had a catch up with him I don't get it.

Anyway that started 3 months ago with the lies and being secret. Now he hides his phone deletes most of his text only some he leaves on there he doesn't know I look through his phone but I do he also deletes all his calls he's made. There's a lot he's been doing lately that don't add up. So I had enough and asked him is he cheating on me which he denies of course but then something weired happened were he's been moody and horrible to me he started being so nice to me buying me flowers helping around the house telling me he loves me over and over being so nice. I have had a face on me for the last 2 days after asking him but is this quilt or what?

Edited October 26, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Title

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's often the worst pain you experience in life, and what you feel can change on a daily basis. It's maddening to not be able to know fact from fiction. I suggest looking at online phone records, they can't delete records of who has been called\calling though you can't read the messages. The covering up is definitely a bad sign. The lies are the most damaging thing about affairs. I would not reveal my sources (mistake I made) though it's really tempting when they continue to lie right to your face even when you know the truth. Sometimes it seems they never admit anything until they are presented with proof. I don't think it accomplishes much forcing a confession this way. They need to prove they can learn to tell the truth, otherwise how can you rebuild trust? My wife blew it at every turn, she minimized and minimized as much as she could and it just destroyed us =\

 

There is an infidelity section on these forums (subforum to marriage) where this kind of this is more regularly dealt with.

 

(Keep posting btw, we are listening and are here for you)

[flower blossom]

I ment guilt not quilt!! Haha

 

 

Ok I know the lies are the worst cos I know he's liying all the time but when I said he's liying he turned it around on me and some how I was the lier. He hasn't even bothered with me for months truth is I only stayed with him this long as we have to kids together. When the kids are around were fine but soon as there in bed or with nan he doesn't even talk to me he wouldn't even notice if I went out. Few months before all this I said if he's not happy because I know I'm not then he should leave I'd never stop him seeing his kids but he won't go when we get to the stage were just holding on for the kids and talk we make it work again and last time when I said we should finish he told me he wants to stay with me and broke down crying telling me he loves me. So I tried to make it work again. After asking him if he's cheating is first reaction was don't be stupid I never do that to you then went quiet for ages then screaming at me how stupid I am and I need help and I'm not right in the head. Then being extremely nice he even said today he's gona have a tatto with my name across his chest. Why would he do that if he was cheating maybe I do need help all these lies have made me one crazy person!!! He really has me thinking maybe I am just a nutter who needs help.

[Ninja'sHusband]

And I thought quilt was some hip British term I hadn't heard of^^ (or wherever you are from)

 

Gaslighting is the term for the crazy making lies, comes from an old movie where the husband lies about the lights going dimmer all the time from his secret activities in the basement ^^ I haven't actually seen the movie but it sounds interesting. "Lights dimming? hmm, no I haven't noticed that. Are you imagining things?" Sorry if you knew the term...I didn't when I first came here hah.

 

The sudden rage when caught in a lie is actually normal to. I think it's supposed to scare you into never bringing it up again. My wife did the same thing, pretty much every time I was about to do something that would have exposed her. Like when I wanted her friends phone number so I could call her when she was out late and wouldn't answer her own phone...or when I called OM to ask them questions separately. Sudden frantic rage that's what it was, way beyond proportion too.

 

Anyway, if you don't have an online profile for your cell phone, I'd create one. It was a huge comfort to me to be able to track my wife's texts and calls. I remember catching her still texting the OM back and forth after she had password locked her phone from me...she thought I had put a bug on her phone Of course then the jig is up if you call them on it...and they know to be even more careful, so time your confrontations carefully. If there's an affair going on, it's common to see gobs and gobs of texts, sickening amounts.

[flower blossom]

I've been trying to set up an account to track calls texts as his phone is in my name but it keeps going wrong and I haven't had a chance to call network provider as he's sat there or kids are about but will deff do this tomorrow. How did you catch your wife then? It's hard for me cos he works night's so I'm always at home with the kids and he works in a night club so I can't just turn up and see what he's doing I did once and caught him with a women all over him undoing his shirt buttons he seen me and nearly died he pushed her off him and said she's drunk and doing my head in and same old I would never cheat on you. But I was more in shock at the time he wasn't touching her in any way and she was a fat ugly thing so didn't bother me to much well after I nearly cut his cough cough off!!!! But he said nothing would off happend this was about 2 years ago. Should of realized then. Thanks for the replies so hard cos I'm to ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Well, my situation was a little different. It was already clear she had been unfaithful because she came to me and told me she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. She claimed it had only been one time.

 

I searched her car and found printed directions to a hotel about 20 minutes away...when I showed it to her she "didn't remember" what that was....

 

The biggest proof was when I went into her facebook account on her laptop and there was a huge conversation from a few months ago between her and the OM...it made it clear that the affair had been waaayyy more intense than she had told me.

 

I found out more by simply talking to the OM via email and being nice to him.

 

Then I started going online and looking at the phone records (I'm ATT btw). The account was fairly simple to setup, mainly needed my phone number and CC# I think. They mainly need you to setup a password. Once setup I could look at either phone and see what all the incoming\outgoing #s were for calls and texts. I had OM's number already and saw it showing up a lot more than it should have. They had been communicating about alternating days for a martial arts class they both attended, I knew about these messages already. The problem was there were a lot more messages than just those communications. Mostly it was probably just "checking up" to see how they were doing. Some of the biggest flurries of texts happened on days when I learned new info (like the FB conversation) but the big thing is she was still lying to me...and who knows what she was really doing? She had already proven herself to be pretty damn sneaky.

 

Some other suggestions people will give you are to use a VAR (Voice activated recorder), hire a Private investigator, or install a GPS tracking device in the car. Personally I didn't do these things, but there's at least one other person on this forum who had success with the GPS tracker.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[flower blossom]

How you coping now? Do you have children together?

I have checked his fb account but he knows I know his password I see loads of women trying to add him as I friend but he has declined them all.

Which makes me think he's got something to hide he's not one for fb thou he's more a phone person.

Seems a bit weired having to use GPS and all other sorts off stuff but I suppose its not normal sat on here asking for people to tell me what I already know.

 

I think I need a drink or something right now!!!!!

[scatterd]

Your story is so much like mine. Dont expect him to tell the truth mine didn't. I caught my husband sneaking down stairs calling her on top of that he was going to her house after work. He treated me like crap until I got so fed up I went to file for divorce. The lies have been the hardest part. He begged for me back after I went to attorney and is trying hard to to treat me better. It changed our marriage as far as trust gos and the purity. For the longest time,I was angry. We are doing OK now but its been a rough road. If he ever did this to me again I would not stay. I wish the best for you and I know how bad the lies hurt. You know with in your heart what has been going on. Go see an attorney to weigh out your options. After seeing an attorney you may feel more confident. If he continues this you will grow tired. Shifting blame and anger is common with someone cheating. I hope you find peace and truth.

[flower blossom]

I do work and lies lies lies I can do so much better I know

Edited October 27, 2012 by flower blossom