Why can't I let her go.

[frostbytes89]

So let me start from the beginning. I moved to Victoria, Texas 2 years ago after a painful, painful, horrible break up. I was dating a girl for 4 years and was going to marry her, until I found out she had been cheating on me with a police officer. She then left me and said she'd done it because I neglected her, and wasn't there for her when she needed me, and took her forgranted. I couldn't deal with the loss of my best friend so I left Houston for Victoria to finish college.

 

8 months later i had been talking to another girl.She was 18, I was 21. It took me forever to open up. She was not really my type, but I loved being around her. She was Vietnamese, very independent, very different, very beautiful, and it wouldn't be long before i fell in love with her.

 

The moment I decided to be with her, was the moment I decided she was it. I decided I would do anything for her. I would never take her forgranted, I would always be there for her, I would not repeat any mistakes of the past.

 

And I did. The culture was different, the religion was different, the morals and standards of living were different, but my family invited her in with open arms. I told her whatever problems there are, we can talk through them and figure it out. We were supposed to be a team. We should feed off of each other.

 

Her side however, was not so open. She had no car so i drove her around everywhere. I took her to Austin to see her parents every few weekends. Her parents refused to speak English around me, even though they knew some. I remember going to dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant, and everybody at the table, (Lilly, my gf, her 3 sisters, mom, dad, and a lady that stayed at the house) would be laughing and talking, and I'm just sitting there not understanding anything. They never asked me about my school, or work, or even attempted to communicate with me. The only conversation I had was with her dad that lasted about 2 seconds when he asked how I could save him money by helping find a car for Lilly.

 

Well, I didn't care about all of that. I just cared that I was together with Lilly. I let her stay with me, and we lived together for 2 months. This is where things got.. rocky..

 

I finally convinced her to get her tonsils out because she couldn't breathe at night. It sounded like she was choking every time she fell sleep. So the day of her surgery, I noticed she kept getting a ton of texts, and she had been.. hiding her phone a lot. I read them and it turned out she had been flirting back and forth with this guy in her class. He would say things like, "Awwww, you're adorable..." and, "I really like being with you. I'd like to get to know you more." And, "You would be happier with me.". All of those things she would respond to with a smile and laugh and basically allow comments like that to continue.

 

But, shrugged it off. It hurt that it was behind my back, but her health was more important. I took care of her, gave her her meds that she needed, took her to get prescriptions, and kept her safe. I forgave her, and moved on.

 

Later in the relationship, close to when she was moving out and going to live back at the dorms, I found out she had been video chatting with a guy she'd been with a long time ago. But it was worse than that, he'd asked her to marry him "for the money". He said he wanted to live off base and he had to be married to do that. Nevermind, he had a pregnant girlfriend that he told Lilly, "He didn't trust with his money". Lilly actually said to him, "I have to think about it". And then told her friend that she really has to think about it and didn't know if she should say yes or not. I was.. totally shocked. The worst part is Lilly said she would have never told me.

 

I asked her to name one time, just one time where I had gotten mad or made her think somehow that she couldn't tell me things. Our whole relationship I'd said all we need is honesty. Just be honest with me! I would not even have cared if she had said, "Oh, that guy I used to be with asked me to marry him.. that's creepy I won't talk to him anymore". I would have been like, "Oh wow that's nuts! Let's go watch a movie" lol.

 

Shortly after, she left me. She told me she "needed time" And that she would probably come back to me. And like a total idiot, I said okay. I thought she just needed time. Time went by and she wouldn't come back and I started to panic. I'm so addicted to her. I started saying anything to manipulate her into coming back. Things like.. "I can't believe we're not worth saving to you." or "You promised me! You told me to never let you go! You promised you would work things out with me!".

 

I was getting horrible anxiety attacks. I still do. If I see her walking at the school, I go into a panic attack. I start breathing heavy, my heart starts pounding, I get really hot, I start shaking. I can't.. stand the thought of being without her. She's my best friend. And I have the last thing she ever said to me on my phone. I read it every day, to remind myself why I have to stop trying.

 

But I did I tried everything! I tried, everything. Flowers, notes, conversation, change of heart, openmindedness, compromising, everything. This was the last message I got from her. I told her that since she broke her promise, I have to break mine. I can't be friends with her, it's too difficult. I told her about my panic attacks. I told her I just can't do it. And this is what she said:

 

"Josh, I could never be with somebody like you. You are the most hateful person I have ever met. You are worse than my ex Khoa, and I really hope you know how horrible that is. All you do is try to guilt me in to giving you another chance and this is me looking you in the eye, and telling you I will never be with you."

 

 

How does that make me hateful.. why am I hateful everything i did was for her.. I lost every ounce of dignity I had for her. I begged and pleaded and tried so damn hard. And I can't get over her! I can't stop thinking about her! If we're really over, I just want to erase everything. I want to have no memory of ever meeting her in the first place.

 

I keep thinking of the first day I met her and smiled at her as she walked by. I don't want that memory. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't get her back. I cut her out of my life. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I lost my best friend. I lost somebody I loved. I'll never find that again.

Edited October 26, 2012 by frostbytes89

[gonefishin]

Ok this is a tough situation your in ..you've not really done anything To crazy you look at any of these get your ex back sites or anything (I have I know sad!) they all say that you've probably already gone a little crazy since the break up.. That's kinda normal and panic sets in and that's where your mind goes crazy with these manipulation thoughts,letters ,emails and anything else that may u think may change her mind..

But truth is all these things do is push the person you want so close further away... I think right now you gotta let go ... Delete those messages have a good last read and maybe a cry but delete them...

You've already wasted too much time and energy trying to get her back and it's not working .. Take the time now for yourself and try clear your own head .

But layoff trying to talk to her for a while..

This advice is easy to say and much much harder to do but you gotta think of yourself now and salvage some dignity too...

Walk away for now and try fix your own issues!!!!

Best of luck!

[NavyAirTraffic]

You never mentioned how long ago you broke up, how much "time" you gave her and how long you've been pursuing her again?

 

Words won't help right now, nothing really will. You must take action and the first step is to grieve. Take time to yourself to cry, I mean really cry. There is no shame in this. Go to your bed and think about all of the good memories; holding her at night, talking on the phone, picking her up and driving with her, snuggling on the couch, having sex with her. These are things that you will never do again with her (you might but it's out of your hands right now). Crying/grieving is almost like a release. The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, feeling you get when things remind you of her, crying begins to release that.

 

Sounds like its too soon to do anything else (e.g. work on yourself) so start with this please. Take 1-2 weeks but give yourself an end date (it can become a pattern), and force yourself to cry. ONLY focus on the fact that she is gone, don't I repeat don't think about things you did wrong. Grieving allows your body to begin to let go of her. If you focus on what you did wrong you'll only be treading water. Just keep telling yourself "she's gone" "I'll never see her again", picture yourself hugging her and think "that will never happen again". This is a necessary step in recovering. Almost like a withdrawal period for drug addicts, it helps you relieve the physical addiction to her.

 

Please take this advice. You'll see by the end you'll find it harder to cry. Those sharp memories of her will begin to dull a bit. This is the first step.

[frostbytes89]

You never mentioned how long ago you broke up, how much "time" you gave her and how long you've been pursuing her again?

 

Words won't help right now, nothing really will. You must take action and the first step is to grieve. Take time to yourself to cry, I mean really cry. There is no shame in this. Go to your bed and think about all of the good memories; holding her at night, talking on the phone, picking her up and driving with her, snuggling on the couch, having sex with her. These are things that you will never do again with her (you might but it's out of your hands right now). Crying/grieving is almost like a release. The sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, feeling you get when things remind you of her, crying begins to release that.

 

Sounds like its too soon to do anything else (e.g. work on yourself) so start with this please. Take 1-2 weeks but give yourself an end date (it can become a pattern), and force yourself to cry. ONLY focus on the fact that she is gone, don't I repeat don't think about things you did wrong. Grieving allows your body to begin to let go of her. If you focus on what you did wrong you'll only be treading water. Just keep telling yourself "she's gone" "I'll never see her again", picture yourself hugging her and think "that will never happen again". This is a necessary step in recovering. Almost like a withdrawal period for drug addicts, it helps you relieve the physical addiction to her.

 

Please take this advice. You'll see by the end you'll find it harder to cry. Those sharp memories of her will begin to dull a bit. This is the first step.

 

 

Yeah.. I have definitely cried. The day she left I cried hysterically. I had a blanket that she had given me and we always used to snuggle with and i remember running around my empty apartment hysterically looking for it. When I found it I just held it against me smelling her on it and cried so hard. I cried for a week.

 

But she kept telling me she doesnt know if she will take me back. I had finally talked to her over the phone and she had said, "What you said helped a lot. I'm still leaning towards a no on us but.. there is still definitely a chance. " So I waited. And a couple weeks later when I messeged her back is when she blew up on me and it was just a solid no..

 

Now I can cry if I think about us enough I think.. I'm tearing up thinking about the good times I'll never have.. But mostly I'm just depressed all the time. I wake up not wanting to do anything. I'm falling behind in school. I have homework do in 6 hours that I don't even want to start..

 

I got rid of EVERYTHING of hers. The pillow cases, the blanket, the pictures, the movies, everything. Though I just remembered I still have the shirt she got me.. I wonder if she still has my two shirts.. if she still wears them.

 

She did a total 180 from the time she left me. When she first left me, she missed me so much. She would call me over to cuddle with her and we had sex a couple times. But It slowly waned down as I tried to give her space because she said that's what she wanted.. It's been since August 23rd since we broke up. It's been 2 weeks since I've stopped communication with her completely.

 

I even walked by her twice and she didn't even look at me. Not once. Even from a distance. I don't exist to her which.. I guess is what I wanted but.. I wish I could do that.

 

I will try and grieve. It's so painful to think of the good memories. It's so painful in that empty apartment. I never want this again. I can never feel like this again. Just.. abandoned, used, given up on, rejected. I hate this so much.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Move to Corpus Christi LOL.

 

But seriously, it seems the origin of all this melodrama is a two-year-old misunderstanding. Do you really think your second-to-last ex dumped you because you weren't being loving, caring and attentive enough? If you hadn't been, you would've just shrugged her off when she broke up with you. Instead you fled the city. When you're in love with someone you always manage to be those things - it just comes naturally. You don't send that text or make that call because you've thought about it, you do it because you need to. It seems to me that you suffer from, let's say, a literal interpretation of women's words. Women say all kinds of things. They're not rational beings, they're emotional beings. Chances are your last ex lost the spark, and started sizing you up negatively when she blew the cop out of some hormonal bias. Read Madame Bovary. On one page it says 'Never did Charles appear so repulsive to her, to have such coarse fingers, such a dull mind, such common manners, as when they happened to be together after her meetings with Rodolphe'.

 

Your last ex left you because it'd probably been a while, she was bored and therefore distanced - and it wasn't the lack of emotionality, but her age and over sensitivity to routine that bored her. She started cheating with a cop, no doubt many years her senior. She told you these things about yourself because she was trying to justify the emotions in her head, based on faulty comparisons. Women look for excuses for their feelings. And it worked, you took her parting words as the Gospel truth, and that probably doomed you when you met Lily and decided to go into the relationship with a hundred and ten per cent instead of ten per cent like she did - and like you should have.

 

You moved her in? Introduced her to your folks? Drove her everywhere, including three hours from Victoria to Austin every couple of weeks? Got this | | close to buying her a car? Please tell me you didn't give her any money. Why did you go over to her parents so many times when it was obvious they never gave you the time of day, i.e. must've been kind of in on her deal? Did you ever tell this girl you were too busy? Did you ever tell her she could shuttlebus to Austin because your own family was next door? Here's a good question, did you take concrete steps to build up your life in Victoria for YOURSELF, your education and (non-amatory) social support, your career development, etc.? Your personal investments are zero, dude. I'll tell you the only thing that changed in Victoria - you threw yourself into your girl even deeper. This wasn't your wife. This wasn't your fianćee. This wasn't even a girl who showed one tenth of your passion and efforts. This was a gold digger, an emotional vampire, a cheater, a liar with what were probably years of baggage who made no pretense that it was more important than you when you brought it up. Now I'm sure she's a charming gal, sweet as a peach - but she would've been more likely to stay that way if YOU didn't change, as opposed to gave her everything you had.

 

Don't bring up the stuff about religion and culture - this girl was Americanized all the way, maybe a bit too much for your liking. And no matter what, don't ever, ever accuse a girl of using you for sex - it sounds very effeminate.

 

There's about as much chance of your getting her back as there is of my burping my way to the Philharmonic. By now she should be sucking goofballs through garden hoses for all you care. It's time to excise the tumor. Maybe move again - seriously - but don't repeat the same mistake of premature investment in a girl or even a woman. Think about all the other problems you've got right now - academic, strategic, financial - think about where your life is going, and you'll instantly have the security of planning for decades in the here and now instead of trying to relieve the temporary damage of a relationship that lasted some months anyway you can. This girl chewed the gum and spit out the wrapper even worse than your last ex, who at least - amazingly - stayed with you for four years of her adolescence. She's not your best friend, she's not your lost love, she's nothing to you. The immense advantage of the human condition is the ability of reason to overtake passion. What's being a creature of passion done for you so far? Think of the wandering Mayans in Apocalypto - 'Our lands were ravaged. We seek a new beginning'. Good luck, Sparky.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Bumaga vsyo sterpit

[NavyAirTraffic]

I will try and grieve. It's so painful to think of the good memories. It's so painful in that empty apartment. I never want this again. I can never feel like this again. Just.. abandoned, used, given up on, rejected. I hate this so much.

 

This is it. Really lean into those bad (used to be good) memories. Really visualize those experiences, and ONLY focus on the images and how she's not coming back, "you did nothing wrong". Crying is different from actively grieving a loss, you must have the mindset that she is not coming back. The more it hurts the better.

 

Over time you naturally do this, those memories slowly become less sharp and painful. If you force yourself now to feel the pain of your loss, the same thing happens, but over a shorter period of time. You'll see how 1 thought made you uncontrollably cry on day 1, but by day 10 it is harder to shed tears. It will feel unbearable at first, just keep leaning into it.

[frostbytes89]

Move to Corpus Christi LOL.

 

But seriously, it seems the origin of all this melodrama is a two-year-old misunderstanding. Do you really think your second-to-last ex dumped you because you weren't being loving, caring and attentive enough? If you hadn't been, you would've just shrugged her off when she broke up with you. Instead you fled the city. When you're in love with someone you always manage to be those things - it just comes naturally. You don't send that text or make that call because you've thought about it, you do it because you need to. It seems to me that you suffer from, let's say, a literal interpretation of women's words. Women say all kinds of things. They're not rational beings, they're emotional beings. Chances are your last ex lost the spark, and started sizing you up negatively when she blew the cop out of some hormonal bias. Read Madame Bovary. On one page it says 'Never did Charles appear so repulsive to her, to have such coarse fingers, such a dull mind, such common manners, as when they happened to be together after her meetings with Rodolphe'.

 

Your last ex left you because it'd probably been a while, she was bored and therefore distanced - and it wasn't the lack of emotionality, but her age and over sensitivity to routine that bored her. She started cheating with a cop, no doubt many years her senior. She told you these things about yourself because she was trying to justify the emotions in her head, based on faulty comparisons. Women look for excuses for their feelings. And it worked, you took her parting words as the Gospel truth, and that probably doomed you when you met Lily and decided to go into the relationship with a hundred and ten per cent instead of ten per cent like she did - and like you should have.

 

You moved her in? Introduced her to your folks? Drove her everywhere, including three hours from Victoria to Austin every couple of weeks? Got this | | close to buying her a car? Please tell me you didn't give her any money. Why did you go over to her parents so many times when it was obvious they never gave you the time of day, i.e. must've been kind of in on her deal? Did you ever tell this girl you were too busy? Did you ever tell her she could shuttlebus to Austin because your own family was next door? Here's a good question, did you take concrete steps to build up your life in Victoria for YOURSELF, your education and (non-amatory) social support, your career development, etc.? Your personal investments are zero, dude. I'll tell you the only thing that changed in Victoria - you threw yourself into your girl even deeper. This wasn't your wife. This wasn't your fianćee. This wasn't even a girl who showed one tenth of your passion and efforts. This was a gold digger, an emotional vampire, a cheater, a liar with what were probably years of baggage who made no pretense that it was more important than you when you brought it up. Now I'm sure she's a charming gal, sweet as a peach - but she would've been more likely to stay that way if YOU didn't change, as opposed to gave her everything you had.

 

Don't bring up the stuff about religion and culture - this girl was Americanized all the way, maybe a bit too much for your liking. And no matter what, don't ever, ever accuse a girl of using you for sex - it sounds very effeminate.

 

There's about as much chance of your getting her back as there is of my burping my way to the Philharmonic. By now she should be sucking goofballs through garden hoses for all you care. It's time to excise the tumor. Maybe move again - seriously - but don't repeat the same mistake of premature investment in a girl or even a woman. Think about all the other problems you've got right now - academic, strategic, financial - think about where your life is going, and you'll instantly have the security of planning for decades in the here and now instead of trying to relieve the temporary damage of a relationship that lasted some months anyway you can. This girl chewed the gum and spit out the wrapper even worse than your last ex, who at least - amazingly - stayed with you for four years of her adolescence. She's not your best friend, she's not your lost love, she's nothing to you. The immense advantage of the human condition is the ability of reason to overtake passion. What's being a creature of passion done for you so far? Think of the wandering Mayans in Apocalypto - 'Our lands were ravaged. We seek a new beginning'. Good luck, Sparky.

 

Haha! Why move to corpus again? And thank you.. this made me feel a little better. And I know she was very Americanized.. I'm a white guy and I'm very attracted to Asian females.. I just love everything about them physically, and culturally. I'm fascinated by them.. I really wish I would meet a petite, beautiful, Asian girl who is faithful, honest, understanding, kind, and has a cute personality. I don't think I'll ever get a chance to date another Asian girl again though...

 

But you are so right.. And I think I may have said that to her at one point. I mean Lilly didn't even try.. at all. I was throwing myself at her! I was telling her that she has a guy who loves her and is begging for her to just give him a chance at whatever cost. And she didn't even care enough to try.

 

My ex before her stayed with me for 4 years.. And believe me, I would have left my sorry butt LONG before 4 years. Our relationship was SO rocky and, aside from her cheating on me with a cop and making my life living hell for a few months, it was mostly my fault.. But she gave me chance after chance after chance because she did truly love me. It wasn't till I lost her that I completely turned my life around and became the honorable, faithful, supportive, loving, giving, understanding man I am today. And I was all of that for Lilly.

 

Not ONCE did I so much as lust for another woman. Not once did I give another woman a second look. Not once did I flirt or even think about flirting. I know I was good to her. I was damn good to her even in times I know she didn't deserve it.

 

And I drove he rto her parents because it was important to her.. And that was one of the things she said she left me for. "You never tried with my family. You never tried to get to know them." Why can't she put herself in my shoes.. Sitting in a foreign home with foreign people who don't even try to speak your language. Going to places where all i got was dirty looks because I was white.. I tried.. It just was going to take time but I really was trying.

 

But you are so right about the routine thing. She probably got bored. She's young.. but I'm stuck now. I'm addicted to her and I can't get her out of my head. And I know this sounds so wrong but.. literally I've always fantasized about dating an Asian girl.. And I finally got to, and she.. really messed me up. And It's impossible for a white guy like me to get associated with that ethnic group. And it just.. sucks more to think great, I lost her and even after I get over her if I ever do, I'll never meet another Asian who will accept me. Or maybe even another female.

 

And I don't get that either I mean.. I know exactly what I want in life! I have 1 semester left of college! I'm graduating with a 3.8GPA and a software engineering degree. I have a job lined up for me after college. I'm sweet, understanding, committed, loving.. I even watched her stupid One Tree Hill show with her and learned every damn character and know the whole plot line for crying out loud so she'd he somebody to talk about it with! When she'd make me go shopping with her I was just happy to spend time with her and I'd give her feedback on clothes etc.. I have a job as a research assistant and tutor computer science and drive a Mazdaspeed3, and, I'm NOT bad in bed.. So am i so repulsive? Am I so incompetent? Am I so unlovable? I don't understand.