A long relationship(for me), long and rambling, but I need to air it out...

[bitterlyjaded]

Well, I'm gonna be honest right off the bat. I don't generally vent my personal problems to people I don't know. But I figured it might be worth a try. I know I might sound like some kind of love struck kid, but ya know, sometimes you just need to talk, even if you have no idea who is listening.

 

 

I met my ex-fiancee in late August of 2003. I was walking back to my dorm room after a night out with some friends and I happened to see an absolutely stunning girl playing pool at the table on the third floor near my room. I went back into my room and came back with my cue and jumped into a game of cut throat with her and the other people there. We hit it off famously, and from that point on saw each other at least once a day, and after a couple of weeks we started spending the night in each other's dorm rooms. The relationship slowly but surely got more and more involved, and I wasn't really tremendously comfortable with it, but it felt good so I went with it. She didn't like the fact that I smoked and made it quite clear early on that it was either her or the cigarettes. After a good fight with the nicotine she won out and I quite smoking.

 

As the relationship progressed she wanted more and more changes from me. To preface this let me explain a touch more about the kind of person I was/am again now. I was the classic college guy, I was in the Honors College in my university, got mostly A's B's and the occasional C or D. I had a reputation as an excellent bartender and something of a drinker, though I never let my drinking and partying conflict with my classes. I was also one of the top keepers on the intra-mural soccer team. Everyone on campus knew me, I was friends with most everyone and got along with them too. I was doing well academically, I was popular and most importantly I was happy.

 

However, after we started dating she slowly started changing things about me that she didn't like. It started with the smoking and I thought that was utterly reasonable seeing as the smoking was making it harder for me to play soccer. I played soccer 2-3 days a week and she seemed to be jealous of the time I was spending on the pitch and the attention that I gave the Premiership games when I wasn't. A couple weeks after I quit smoking she started offering sex when I would be getting ready to gear up for the game. We'd have sex and then I'd go out to play the game. For some reason that I can't connect at this point my game went to complete crap if I'd have sex before the game. She continued to offer sex before the game and I started refusing because it really truly wrecked my performance on the field. Eventually I slowly started spending less time playing soccer and more time with her.

 

Now normally I'm the first person to raise his voice if one of my mate's has a girl who seems to be trying to hijack his life. However in my case I was head over heels in love with this girl and it seemed she was head over heels for me too. The relationship progressed, and she began to demand more and more of my time. Even once complaining during a holiday that we didn't talk enough, I'd generally call her and talk for about an hour if something interesting had happened, but other than that I would call to say good night or if I was going out anywhere major, i.e. Miami, La Olas, etc. Again, I gave in and started sitting on the phone with her for 2+ hours. At the time it seemed right.

 

In December I was suspended from the College for poor academic performance. I failed every class that I had taken because I was spending more and more of my time with this girl and less and less on my studies. For some reason upon hearing about the suspension and having moved two years of independent life back into my old room in my parents house I thought it would be a good idea to propose to her. I didn't have a ring, I didn't have anything. I proposed to her on the shore of the lake by my parents house with the sun setting. Her eyes teared up, she said yes and we kissed. From that point on we started making some serious future plans. I started working as a clerk in a local high profile law firm so that I could support myself during the suspension and get some experience in my field.

 

I would drop into her dorm after work for a couple hours to talk. We grew closer and closer with each passing day. At one point it was almost like we could read each others minds. It was really quite incredible, it was like nothing I'd experienced before. As she and I grew closer and closer for some reason I started growing farther from my friends and family.

 

During this time though I noticed that my girl had a problem talking about things that were bothering her. I'd sit with her for hours and try and get her to tell me what was bothering her. Sometimes she'd tell me what was wrong, other times she'd sit there staring blankly or watching TV like I wasn't saying anything. Needless to say I would get kind of annoyed that she wouldn't talk with me about these things and still expect me to know what I was doing that was annoying her. She would get mad at me for hanging out with my friends instead of her, she would get mad at me if a I had an Amaretto drink after a meal or a vodka/tonic after work. She would complain about feeling sick and when I'd make arrangements for her to see a doctor she would say she was fine, only to complain again about the same thing several days later. I'd ask what was wrong and she'd proceed to yell at me for asking her too many questions.

 

The only thing I ever asked her was what was bothering her when she was sick or when I'd managed to do something to yet again trigger her ire.

 

I saw all the classic problem signs in this relationship. If I'd been giving a friend advice in my position I would've told him to run for the hills because this girl is absolutely nuts.But, I was not giving advice, I was the person in the relationship. I was in love...Hell I was engaged, we were going to make this work.

 

Well... try to make it work anyway..

 

I moved back onto campus for summer courses after the suspension ended. I threw myself into my classes and worked a job waiting tables at a restaraunt near the campus. I didn't have much time for anything, but I always found the time to lay down on the couch with her after work. If I wasn't doing class work or at work I was spending time with her. Something she'd pretty much conditioned me into doing during the first seven months of the relationship. We were having our fair of fights at this point.

 

Actually, we were fighting a lot.

 

No matter what I did, she was finding a problem with it. At one point I surprised her with home cooked Salmon dinner, one which I went home to make especially for her, because she loves salmon. I took a good three hours out of my day to get the fish, clean it and cook it. I brought it back to the dorm plated up and ready to eat. I'd spent several hours making this meal because that Wednesday was our 9 month anniversary.(Yeah, I know monthiversaries are silly, but they'd give us an excuse to have fun and go out to dinner) and I wanted her to have something more special and personal then a dinner out.

 

Without saying anything, she looks at the fish and says she hates capers. She proceeds to pick the capers off her salmon and eat it, complaining the whole time that it tastes like capers. She proceeded to say that I cooked the asparagus too much and that it was horrible.

 

She did all that without even mentioning that she appreciated the thought, she just blasted my cooking. She then walked inside to my dorm to watch TV, leaving me sitting outside with all the dishes and cutelry. I swear to god I almost cried right there. I felt horrible, I felt like I just wasn't living up to her expectations. I went inside and we talked for a couple hours, I asked her if anything was wrong, if she was still happy.

 

She said everything was fine. She said that she was happy. She said that I was intentionally trying to find things wrong with the relationship and point them out rather then the good.

 

At this point we hadn't had sex in the better part of month. She'd stopped sleeping with me at night and stopped holding my hand when we went out.. Worst of all she'd stopped letting me kiss her like we'd used to. I'd go to kiss her and she'd turn the cheek so I couldn't kiss her on the lips, and when I did get to kiss her lips it was just a peck.

 

The first summer semester ended and she went back home. I wasn't going to see the girl who was my fiancee for almost 2 months.

 

I got a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 

I was confused, angry and resentful at this point. I'd tried just about everything to make this relationship work. I'd changed a lot of things in my life for her, to make myself more like she wanted. But no matter what I was doing there was always a problem or apparently I was being inconsiderate. Yet low and behold she still expected me to call her and talk for hours each day while she was home and I was in college. She'd get mad if I called after 11pm, when she knew full well I worked 6 days a week at the restaraunt and never got out before 10:30. She'd say I wasn't making the effort. This was coming from someone who'd never had a job in her life and had never had to really deal with providing for herself.

 

I'd call her every night, obediently like some kind of trained dog even if I had nothing to say. I'd sit there and let dead air go on the phone. I tried and tell a story about things that were happening on my coast of the state, she'd tell me to shut up or that she wasn't interested. But when she started talking about something it was time for me to be ready to listen to every single thing she said, and god forbid that I miss something she say or she'd get upset and mad and tell me I wasn't listening.

 

This was coming from the girl I was once talking to for 5 minutes solid about a job offer from a new bar, I asked her what she thought, only to be answered by silence. When I said her name she said "What?" as if i was inconviencing her, I repeated "Whatcha think?" she asked "About what." She said that and I, a 20 year old college student, someone who rarely sheds a tear almost broke down crying. I told her that someone from my family was calling, and hung up after saying I love you only to responded to with an "I know" from her. I hung up and felt like crap, i felt insignificant and small.

 

She left for a trip to Italy two weeks later. Nothing had improved, in fact it'd gotten worse. I'd been watching a news brief while she was on the phone with me. I missed something she said, and when I asked her to repeat it she got furious and told me I was inconsiderate and a crappy boyfriend because I didn't hear what she said and NO she was not going to repeat it. She told me she should breakup with me over it. I was in tears at this point, I begged her not to because she was after-all my fiancee, at least I still thought so. She asked me why not. I begged and I groveled in a truly pathetic manner. She left for Italy two days later.

 

While she was gone I spent a lot of time reflecting on what had been going on in the relationship in the past couple months. I looked back and saw myself trying so hard to save something that was driving me insane. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize who I saw. But no matter what I thought, I still knew that I loved her, and would be willing to do anything to save the relationship. I didn't care as long as I could be with her. I resolved that I was going to get things to work when she got back. We'd sit down and we'd resolve everything or at least get it all on the table.

 

She broke up with me over the phone on the 25 of July, three days after she got back into the states from Italy. She said her reasons where that "She was tired of waiting for me to change." "The relationship was no longer easy and fun". I was completely and utterly heart broken, all my future plans, everything came crashing down around my head. For a solid six hours I was in a horrible state almost suicidal. I had cried while we were on the phone after she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore she'd told me to "Stop ****ing crying, I think less of you when you do that" after that I told her I had to go. After I composed myself I went out with some of those friends I'd alienated. I'd been a jackass to them, but when things went south they were right there waiting. God knows without the guys and a couple of the girls I'd still be in a miserable state right now, which isn't to say that things are all peaches and cream now, but its better and improving, at least after today it is.

 

After she broke up with me, my now ex-fiance decided to call me and ask what we should do with the cell phone plan that I had. During December I had added another line onto my phone plan and given it to her so that her demands for me to talk on the phone for hours wouldn't destroy my bank account. I'd had no problem paying for it during our relationship, but once it was over I had a tremendous problem paying for her phone, particularly after the manner in which she'd decided to end our relationship.

 

I told her this and she accused me of trying to hurt her. She said I was being unreasonable. I told her that wasn't the case. Two days after breaking up with me she'd left an away message up listing a number of my good friends, their good traits and saying she was single. I was upset by it, tremendously, my friends thought it was bull**** and I told her as much. She said that I was being unreasonable, that the away message was a joke for one of her friends. I told her it didn't matter. I told her she had made it public domain, and that no matter who it was aimed at, putting that up after breaking up with someone 3 days before was in bad taste. I asked for the phone back. She threw a fit and said she'd mail it back to me.

 

She puts up an away message calling me and my friends ****ing morons, and ignorant and that we never knew her. She calls me the next day to talk about the phone again. She harps again on how I didn't mind paying for it while we were together and how since we were going to friends that it'd be nice to still be able to talk to me as much as she wanted. This was crap for two reasons: we'd barely talked on the phone for anything substantial for almost a month and the fact the phone was our hotline during the relationship, it was only used to call me because any other use would cut into my minutes which I used almost all of almost every month. I told her it wasn't going to work out like that and that if she wanted i could transfer the line to her name and it'd only cost $20 a month. She flipped out again. She told me she couldn't afford $20 a month because she'd gotten a $300 speeding ticket coming to a 4th of July party at a friends house. She blamed the ticket on me. Told me she was going to shot pool with a guy in her neighborhood and was going to wear the ring I gave her. The engagement ring, on her left hand, just like she had while she was with me. I told her that was just wrong and hurtful. She flipped out about my taking exception to her wearing my engagement ring when she was no longer engaged to me, and especially when she was going out with another guy. She told me she'd send me the phone and the ring in a box.

 

I suspended the phone service. The next morning I get a call and she talks with me for three hours about how close we were and how good we were together. She started talking about how promising we'd been together and that she still had feelings for me. Three hours I listened to her, and then she brought up the phone again. I almost gave in. But then I realized she'd been trying to manipulate me again. I told her that I would not reactivate the phone and that she should probably make good on her threats and ship me the phone. She then proceeds to tell me how she was planning on going to my buddies house where my friend and I were having a party last night, and dropping everything i'd ever bought her at my feet and walking out. She told me how I'd been a jerk in asking for the phone back, the phone I was paying for her to use.

 

She'd been planning on doing that the whole time she'd been stringing me along telling me how much she still cared about me and wanted to be my friend.

 

 

That all happened on July 31st, yesterday. I haven't talked with her since that morning, which ain't all that long. But I hung up the phone and felt closure for the first time in a very long time. I felt independent and alive. I went to my friends party, she wasn't there, she'd made the mistake of telling him what she was planning on doing and he'd told her what she could do with that plan. I had fun and was myself for the the first time in almost a year.

 

But the thing is, I was sitting at my computer talking to some friends when I got home, and I got this horrible feeling in my gut. I was missing her with all my heart. I almost cried. As much heartache and pain as she's caused I still love her, with all my heart. Because no matter how bad it had been, I'd been willing to work through it to make changes and make things work. I love the girl with all my heart still. I wish to god that I didn't. I wish I didn't feel anything for her. I don't want to miss her, but I do. I don't want to be with her or even hear her name, but for some reason I still miss her and I still love her and its tearing me up.

 

and I really don't know how to handle that... its never something I've ever had to deal with...

 

 

it feels good to get this off my chest in its entirety. if anyone made it all the way through that, please give me some feed back, I could really use it.

[rachelcarney]

People say you can start over, but sometimes there has been too much hurt. I know you still feel for her, but I would recommend moving on.

 

There's plenty of time for you to meet someone who won't manipulate you that way and who has her own cell phone.

[Craig]

Hey you have to move on and forget that manipulator. You are probably flexible, resilient, somewhat of a dependent personality type and intelligent. Her kind of human just feeds on guys like you. If she ever decided to stay with you she would have a never ending series of changes that you would have to make if you wanted to be with her. You tried changing for her and it just got worse and worse for you. Get your phone back and absolutely get your (not hers) ring back. Next time anyone at all tries the manipulation game with you immediately excuse them from your life.

[Fetish 2]

Hey,

 

I don't really know what to say... but i did sit here reading through your whole post (...very unusual for me... especially considering the length!) and i thought I should reply just because I read the whole post...

 

I'ld really advise against you rekindling anything with your ex-fiance. From the sound of it, she really used and abused you. She knew she had complete and utter control over you..who was very obviouslt blinded by love.

 

The guy you used to be, and now are returning to; seemed like a very sucessful guy with character, ambition and good/fun personality. Sound's like a great write-up if you ask me. You can find another girl who will treat you like any loving partner should and deserves to be. Hard to find: but when you do...this is the one you should hold on to tightly...

 

Your ex-fiance seems unbelievable to me...the things she has the guts to do: expecting you to continue paying for her cell, telling you of her plans to meet other guys with your engagement ring, turnin up to that party,,,, what the f*%^ does she think she's doing???.... unbelievable--Don't let her step all over you.

[manofmystrey]

Hey bitterlyjaded

 

Dude like u i was screwd as well. My ex had the never to try anc charge her med school tution on my credit card after she left me for another guy.

 

Let me tell u something.......

 

What u did by stop smoking, drinking, hanging out with friends etc was not love it was a compramise to make her happy.

 

Love she never be a compramise she should love u for u.

 

What u need to do is give this girl a dose of reality.

 

U need to cut all ties u need to move on she is going to keep doing this to u as long as u let her. She will mess up ur life and then move on. Take it from me i am 26 years old and i just got back into school cause i dropped out like a dumb ass idiot to help support her in her school cause she gave me this sad ass song and dance about how she loved me and she wanted to becoem a doctor to support me and so on and so fourht and i bought.

 

I gave up alot of thing for a girl that i was in love with and thought she loved me. Well in the end it cost me so much money wise and time wise.

 

Dont make that mistake. Thank ur luck stars she showed u who she is before it was too late. Hook up with a casual partner. U are young dont get tied down yet. Enjoy ur life and party.

[bitterlyjaded]

Well its been the better part of week since everything ended and I'm doing tremendously better. I've been hanging out with friends again, talking with people I haven't talked with in a long time. In short, her breaking off the relationship might've been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. With the exception of people asking me about how things went/were going with her I don't even give her two minutes thought.

 

Thanks to everyone who posted here, your words helped.

 

 

Edited October 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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