firstandlast Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I'm in NC but work in the same office as the xMW's new AP. (The xMW works for the same company but on another campus.) I work far enough away from him now not to know when he's texting her, taking long lunches, etc. and not obsessing about what they're doing is already though. But we're all being moved closer together in a week, and I'll be able to see/hear everything. How can I stop obsessing long enough to get over it?
woinlove Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I'm in NC but work in the same office as the xMW's new AP. (The xMW works for the same company but on another campus.) I work far enough away from him now not to know when he's texting her, taking long lunches, etc. and not obsessing about what they're doing is already though. But we're all being moved closer together in a week, and I'll be able to see/hear everything. How can I stop obsessing long enough to get over it? I don't know what your situation is - are you trying to reconcile your M? If so, are you open and honest with your W? If not, I think secret obsessions can take a long time to get over. With honesty, you have lots of other things to focus on, whether that is going through a divorce or helping your W with her pain and deciding if you want to meet her needs for reconciliation, etc.
woinlove Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I get the sense from your earlier thread that you are not open and honest with your W about your A and obsession with the mOW. I think that is the problem, you have a foot in each camp, trying to maintain an M but stopping intimacy in the M by not being open, and secretly obsessing so that you might as well be in a full-blown EA. Maybe you need to be on your own for a while to sort out which path to take, because what you are doing is not working. I think as long as your aren't intimate with your W about the real you, you'll be missing the emotional connection and that will keep drawing you to thoughts of the mOW.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Find another job. Tell your wife the full truth so you two can either fully commit to fixing your marriage or ending it. Make yourself not care because your A is over with the XMW.
RickFox Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I just read your story and man, I see so many similarities between your story and mine it ain't even funny. The way you stop the obsessive thoughts is to grab control of your mind, it does what YOU want it to do. If I were you, I'd look at her as nothing worth pining over anymore. Dude, she dropped you, told you she wasn't ready to leave her marriage and now she's Effing someone else in the officer place??? Seriously?? You weren't nothing but a warm body to her and now she's moved on to the next victim. That right there oughta make you mad, piss you off, keep you away from her. Say nothing to her, don't worry about her, she's not yours, she never was, and the way you should see it, is she never will be. 1
Author firstandlast Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 I just read your story and man, I see so many similarities between your story and mine it ain't even funny. The way you stop the obsessive thoughts is to grab control of your mind, it does what YOU want it to do. If I were you, I'd look at her as nothing worth pining over anymore. Dude, she dropped you, told you she wasn't ready to leave her marriage and now she's Effing someone else in the officer place??? Seriously?? You weren't nothing but a warm body to her and now she's moved on to the next victim. That right there oughta make you mad, piss you off, keep you away from her. Say nothing to her, don't worry about her, she's not yours, she never was, and the way you should see it, is she never will be. Yeah, we definitely have similarities. I honestly wouldn't be as devastated if my xMW had gone back and focused on her marriage like she said she was (and like yours did). For my xMW to simply move on to another affair -- and so quickly -- hurt to the core. It made me realize that there was nothing magically special about our relationship. I was in love with an illusion. My hope is that realization will make getting over her easily. I won't fantasize that she's secretly pining for me but staying with the H out of a sense of loyalty.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Yeah, we definitely have similarities. I honestly wouldn't be as devastated if my xMW had gone back and focused on her marriage like she said she was (and like yours did). For my xMW to simply move on to another affair -- and so quickly -- hurt to the core. It made me realize that there was nothing magically special about our relationship. I was in love with an illusion. My hope is that realization will make getting over her easily. I won't fantasize that she's secretly pining for me but staying with the H out of a sense of loyalty. Are you staying with your wife out of loyality? Not wanting to give up the benefits of being married? You need to start putting your wife's feelings above your own now. Forget exMW. She is choosing to stay married and continue to cheat on her husband, having more affairs. It's GOOD that you see you didn't mean as much to her as you once thought. It was just an affair, nothing special. She may have cared for you, but she wasn't "in love" with you, so yes, the sooner you accept that and realize it didn't mean as much to her as it did to you, the easier it will be to get over her and stop wishing/fantasizing/hoping it was more. Imagine how your wife is going to feel, how unloved and not special she will feel when she finds out about the affair. If your exMW left her husband, told you to come to her, you would right? This is why you need to decide now if it's worth recommitting to your marriage or ending it. If you were going to give up on your wife and marriage so quickly, bail on her for the MW - Then it's obvious that you're hanging onto your wife and the security/benefits of the marriage, you're not there for the right reasons. You aren't "in love" with your wife anymore. You owe her the truth so you two can either fix things or divorce. She has to know so she can decide what she wants..Keeping her in the dark just gives you full control over something that she should be allowed to have input on. 1
Author firstandlast Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Are you staying with your wife out of loyality? Not wanting to give up the benefits of being married? You need to start putting your wife's feelings above your own now. Forget exMW. She is choosing to stay married and continue to cheat on her husband, having more affairs. It's GOOD that you see you didn't mean as much to her as you once thought. It was just an affair, nothing special. She may have cared for you, but she wasn't "in love" with you, so yes, the sooner you accept that and realize it didn't mean as much to her as it did to you, the easier it will be to get over her and stop wishing/fantasizing/hoping it was more. Imagine how your wife is going to feel, how unloved and not special she will feel when she finds out about the affair. If your exMW left her husband, told you to come to her, you would right? This is why you need to decide now if it's worth recommitting to your marriage or ending it. If you were going to give up on your wife and marriage so quickly, bail on her for the MW - Then it's obvious that you're hanging onto your wife and the security/benefits of the marriage, you're not there for the right reasons. You aren't "in love" with your wife anymore. You owe her the truth so you two can either fix things or divorce. She has to know so she can decide what she wants..Keeping her in the dark just gives you full control over something that she should be allowed to have input on. Actually, no, I wouldn't leave my wife to be with her. There was a time when I would have, but now that I see the illusory nature of the affair, I would not. As for fixing the marriage, that's exactly what I plan to do. The xMW and I had already planned to break up at the end of Oct. to focus on our marriages -- I didn't expect her to jump into another affair so quickly. I've already discussed the marriage with my wife, that I've identified areas where we're not working -- and I suspect she already knows what these areas are.
RickFox Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Yeah, we definitely have similarities. I honestly wouldn't be as devastated if my xMW had gone back and focused on her marriage like she said she was (and like yours did). For my xMW to simply move on to another affair -- and so quickly -- hurt to the core. It made me realize that there was nothing magically special about our relationship. I was in love with an illusion. My hope is that realization will make getting over her easily. I won't fantasize that she's secretly pining for me but staying with the H out of a sense of loyalty. It's gonna take a long time for you to get 'over it' but you gotta figure out whether you want your marriage to work or not. I have my bad days still, but I am focused on making my wife happy, although mine knows of the A. My xmw went back to her marraige not to make it work but probably because she was deathly afraid of being outed by my W as a cheater. She decided to play the good housewife game to allay any fears her H may or may not have developed or so that's the way I see it.... let's not forget my xMW attempted to recontact me in May.....and that pissed me off. Use your anger to get thru it when you need to and don't feel dumb for falling in love, just don't let it get you reeled in by her again as nothing good will come of it. Some folks like your xmw and mine, they just need outside attention to make themselves feel worthwhile..... You have a chance to find your happiness while she most likely will never find real happiness but only temporary thru lover after lover.
Author firstandlast Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 She, understandably, is extremely upset that I am still hung up with this other woman. I was saying it so that it would no longer be a secret obsession and we could work on it together, but in retrospect, I should have worked on this in IC. Things are getting unbearable at work -- I now sit directly across from my xMW's new guy, and I can see him answering her texts all day long. Speaking of IC, my therapist seems to think I don't actually need therapy, and says I'll get over it in a few weeks. I'm losing my wife. I'm committed to making the marriage work, but I can't get xMW out of my mind.
Artie Lang Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 no offense, but you sound like some love-struck chick. like i told you before-- MAN UP, ALREADY!
Tenacity Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I just don't understand how it is helpful - or even nice - for people to reply with posts saying "just do it, man!" Knowing WHAT to do, and actually doing it, are two completely different things and although people may know what they have to do, they may struggle with how to implement it. Thus the posting here for support. OP, you do need to get a different job. Or figure out some way to get away from this new AP while still working where you currently are. Preferably the first one. You have to remember that your feelings for this ex-OW are this strong because it was an obsession, not real love. Real love is what you have for your W. You have to refocus yourself every single time you find yourself thinking about this ex-OW (who sounds like quite a piece of work, by the way) to the reality - which is that if you don't go overboard to show your W that it is HER you want to be with, then you very well may lose her. And then you will be extremely sorry, trust me. You need to get a new therapist. What you were told is nonsense. Seriously, if you don't want to lose your marriage, then you need to change these things in your life. They may sound like big changes and they may be financially or logistically inconvenient or difficult, but it will be nothing compared to losing your marriage. You WILL get over this obsession. Just remember the feelings will not last, but you have to work at it too. Good luck -
Artie Lang Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) ^it might not seem helpful to you, but this is a retread of past posts. he knows what he has to do-- be completely honest with his wife; look for another job; realize that she(AP) is a serial cheater and didn't feel the same way about the affair. what else is there to say? there has been tremendous support for him here - from books to read, to ways to cope - now it's time to implement the suggestions he's been given. you wanna keep sugar-coating it for him, go right ahead. Edited November 14, 2012 by Artie Lang
Artie Lang Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) no need to reply, as i'm pretty much done with this particular situation. good luck in whatever course you take, OP. Edited November 14, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author firstandlast Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 he knows what he has to do-- be completely honest with his wife; look for another job; realize that she(AP) is a serial cheater and didn't feel the same way about the affair. Artie, I'm doing every one of these things.
Tenacity Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 ^it might not seem helpful to you, but this is a retread of past posts. he knows what he has to do-- be completely honest with his wife; look for another job; realize that she(AP) is a serial cheater and didn't feel the same way about the affair. what else is there to say? there has been tremendous support for him here - from books to read, to ways to cope - now it's time to implement the suggestions he's been given. you wanna keep sugar-coating it for him, go right ahead. I didn't read the past threads, I'll admit. However people on this forum just spent 100 pages of posts on another person repeating the same thing over and over, and we're not even close to that here. I know from personal experience it's very hard to get over obsessive thoughts about an addictive relationship. It took a long time and a lot of reinforcement before I got there, even though I knew all the things I had to do, and I knew all the facts. If you haven't been in that spot, then it's easy to tell someone just to do it and not understand why that's hard. I don't view it as 'sugar coating' if someone is trying. That's my point. 1
Author firstandlast Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I just don't understand how it is helpful - or even nice - for people to reply with posts saying "just do it, man!" Knowing WHAT to do, and actually doing it, are two completely different things and although people may know what they have to do, they may struggle with how to implement it. Thus the posting here for support. OP, you do need to get a different job. Or figure out some way to get away from this new AP while still working where you currently are. Preferably the first one. You have to remember that your feelings for this ex-OW are this strong because it was an obsession, not real love. Real love is what you have for your W. You have to refocus yourself every single time you find yourself thinking about this ex-OW (who sounds like quite a piece of work, by the way) to the reality - which is that if you don't go overboard to show your W that it is HER you want to be with, then you very well may lose her. And then you will be extremely sorry, trust me. You need to get a new therapist. What you were told is nonsense. Seriously, if you don't want to lose your marriage, then you need to change these things in your life. They may sound like big changes and they may be financially or logistically inconvenient or difficult, but it will be nothing compared to losing your marriage. You WILL get over this obsession. Just remember the feelings will not last, but you have to work at it too. Good luck - The new therapist is really helping me see just how messed up the xMW is and how fortunate I am to be out of the A. That realization has helped a lot, though I still miss what I thought I had with her and can't help comparing myself to the new AP, wondering what her new AP gives her that I couldn't. (Objectively, he is not superior to me in any way and much older, more than 20 years older than her. He is single, though, so maybe he can give her 100% of his focus, which I could not.)
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