CanSweGirl Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 My ex-husband and I were together for 7 years. I moved from Canada to Sweden to be with him 5 years ago and we were married for 3 years. Things were going pretty well, at least I thought so. 4 months ago, he told me that he wants a separation after I came home from a visit in Canada by myself. I had no warning. He was still telling me that he loves me on the phone while I was in Canada. He told me that this isn't the life he envisioned and just doesn't want to be married anymore. When I asked him what kind of life he envisions having, he wasn't terribly specific except for the fact that it didn't include me. I went to Canada and stayed with my family for almost 2 months as a "trial separation". During that time, he stopped answering my calls, emails and text messages. When I came back, he told that he wants a divorce. (Not exactly surprising after the radio silence.) He also told me that he had decided this a week before I got back. So now, we're in the process of selling our house and I'm trying to get my stuff sorted to move back to Canada. We've been living under the same roof during the past couple of months. It just boggles my mind how easy it was for him to just give up on the marriage. He didn't even want to try to work things out. As much as he insists that I haven't done anything wrong, it's really hard not to connect his unhappiness with me since that's the one thing he's decided to get rid of. Somedays I don't even know what I'm feeling. Perhaps it's the fact that there's so much that needs to be done before I move back so I've gone into autopilot. When I do get a moment where I'm sad/angry about the situation, I find that I tell myself that I should be focusing on my future in Canada. I'm told by other people I need to feel those feelings (sad, anger, whatever) but I'm not sure if they'll come and I'm a little afraid of those feelings. I grew up in a family that believes that marriages are for life. My grandparents have been together for 50+ years and there has been no divorces in my family. I believed that I was going to be with my ex-husband till death do us part and that he felt the same way. I suppose it's better off knowing now rather than later. Thank goodness we don't have children.
MsOptimist Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Even though I've experienced intense feelings of sadness and hurt, my friends and family have told me that they think I've been extremely calm and level headed in regards to all that I'm dealing with - pretty similar to your situation where I sorted through my things, packed, and have now moved. I was also dealing with other non-related family matters - I had so much on my plate that I needed to just focus and dig right in. All of the details kept me extremely busy. I hate chaos so I went through everything as systematically as I could, and I think that helped me remain calm - knowing that I was sorting through all these life matters, both physically and emotionally. The move itself hasn't been as hard on me as I was expecting - sure I'm sad sometimes, but so far it has been better than I expected. I was also blindsided and believed that my marriage was til death do us part. No kids here either and I share the sentiment that at least I'm still young and active while this is happening. I'm trying to focus on enriching my life and moving forward for me. Just don't be afraid of your feelings - my therapist has told me numerous times that we are going through a grieving process and those stages of grief WILL come out eventually. When you feel something, experience the feeling. Sometimes I'll just tear up for a few minutes and then it'll pass. Take those moments for what they are.
Author CanSweGirl Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thanks for the responses. Living together with my ex has had it's moments. I've got a short vacation planned before the move with a friend and was initially going to go by myself. My ex's response when I asked him to look after our cats while I was gone was that it wouldn't be fair to our cats. Then he throws a hissy fit about how I had told him I'd be out of the house before the end of this month and that he really doesn't think he can live in the same house for another month. It's like he didn't get the memo that we're no longer together and that HE wanted the divorce. I think I'll try to get a therapist of sorts when I'm back in Canada. It's a bit crazy that I've been feeling less depressed about the situation than all those times I've been depressed about nothing (I've suffered through bouts of depression).
riverratt Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 At some point you will feel the feelings you mentioned, or I would think you would. Most people do. I did but stay very calm. Yeah, I was different because I am a cut up and always smiling. I was showing nothing so that did stick out to many people. If you begin to feel those things don't bury them. Let them out. They need too.
Author CanSweGirl Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 So we're officially divorced (it's THAT easy in Sweden) but we're still living under the same roof. I've been trying real hard to make it a good environment. We've had a couple of arguments but have managed to cool our heads. I'm trying real hard to keep things civil but there are times where he's just making it f'ing hard. Now I'm watching him make these ****ty decisions that make me want to shake him. Unfortunately some of these decisions are ones that indirectly affect me. As a friend pointed out, I'm probably upset by some of these decisions because here's someone that I've cared for and they're being self destructive. I don't know how to disconnect and it really doesn't help the living atmosphere to ask, "Why would you think that was a good idea?!" I'm moving out of the house/country in a couple more weeks. I'm not at all a religious person, but lord give me strength.
Tethys Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Best of luck to you CanSweGirl. I'm not sure if it helps much, but I've been on the other end of this -- I've been the guy suddenly deciding that I was no longer happy and that I needed to end things (fortunately this only happened to girlfriends I was dating), but I was reading something the other day about cheating and how some men just aren't the people they could/should be emotionally and that's why they do the dumb things they do (end relationships out of the clear blue or cheat). Many of us (not all, thank god) can't for the life us sit down with the person they promised to spend the rest of their life with and share real fears/concerns/disappointments, which is the very definition of intimacy and which would probably avoid some of the dumb, inexplicable behavior. It probably can be improved upon and I plan on working on it myself. And I'm not at all trying to defend what your husband did, but I'm hoping that might give some insight.
Author CanSweGirl Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Thanks Tehtys. It does give me some insight. I wish you the best of luck with your personal growth.
Holyoak Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It just boggles my mind how easy it was for him to just give up on the marriage. He didn't even want to try to work things out. Yep, it is amazing... My STBXWW and I have been married for almost 23 years, and she never wanted to work out anything either; cause she was ass-deep in her year long affair and never looked back. Not to pile on, but the suddenness, no explanation, time apart w/o contact looks to me like classic cheater tactics. You might pursue this idea if you still want to have answers for your own need. I agree, THANK GOD you have no children. My 17 daughter has been going through hell because of my WW affair, and her sub-human behavior afterwards to both of us. Real nice timing to have such an important time in her life (becoming a women, doing well in school, figuring out college) be completely destroyed by this selfish bitch, and show a pathological lack of empathy/sickness to say to her "I don't see why this (affair) effects you so much" . In case you want to see how bad it can be, have a look (it's long): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/336617-wifes-workplace-emotional-infidelity Very, very best of luck with your new life, focus of yourself back in Canada, and live a happy life.
Author CanSweGirl Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Affair or not, I've decided not to care anymore. I've wondered as have many of my friends and family. He said that there isn't anyone else. It doesn't really matter now does it? I've moved back to Canada. There is no turning back. I'm sorry that you're in a **** storm of your own. I wish you and your daughter all the best. I think now that I'm no longer dealing with the move, I'm starting to deal with the emotions. I get bouts of sad and angry and lonely and scared and... I wish I could get over this already. I'm not a patient person.
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