beenburned Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I have read where some WS's don't like it when we call their cheating an affair! What is the reason for this? Is there a difference between cheating and an affair?
JamesM Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I have read where some WS's don't like it when we call their cheating an affair! What is the reason for this? Is there a difference between cheating and an affair? There is a difference between cheating and an affair. Not all cheating is classified as an affair, but all affairs can be classified as cheating. WS's should love that their adultery is called an affair. It gives it a carefree sound and not a painful name. Betrayed spouses do not like the word "affair" used for adultery because it gives a romantic flair to something that is actually quite painful and heartbreaking. By using the word affair to describe adultery, we tend to look at it as just another courtship between two people. In reality it is the breaking of one or more vows and the heart wrenching breach of trust to another person(s). This "affair" momentarily gives pleasure to one or two people, while forever altering one or more other lives in a very sad and horrible way. An affair sounds exciting. Adultery sounds evil. 2
waterwoman Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 They should put an 'e' on the end if they don't like it. 'Affaire' sounds so much more sophisticated 2
Author beenburned Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 James, Are you saying that ONS/FB/FWB are all just cheating, not an affair? For it to be called an affair, does it have to involve emotions for the two people involved?
JamesM Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 James, Are you saying that ONS/FB/FWB are all just cheating, not an affair? For it to be called an affair, does it have to involve emotions for the two people involved? I guess it comes down to semantics, but when I think of an affair, I define it as more than having physical sex. I see it as two people having both an emotional connection and a physical connection. But I would have to say that this is certainly not everyone's opinion. Here is a definition that comes closes to what I consider an affair: Definition: A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that may not last long that is between two people who are not married to one another. Affair Definition A purely physical relationship is still cheating, but really cannot be included based on the above definition. 3
Spark1111 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 James, Are you saying that ONS/FB/FWB are all just cheating, not an affair? For it to be called an affair, does it have to involve emotions for the two people involved? No, because single people could have ONS,FB, and FWBs...yet you wouldn't catergorize any of those as affairs or cheating. I do not think emotions have to be involved. I think the actions have to be secret to be labelled an affair. Some connotations ascribe emotions to the word "affair." But I believe affair, as used in infidelity, is a shortened form of the term "secret affair." And secret implies that the relationship was/is kept from another party. Otherwise, it would be called a "relationship" and not an affair, as it is not kept secret from a spouse or SO. I can't say why any would object to the term. You could still have a relationship within an affair, but affair implies it is a secret frome someone. That cannot be objected to. 1
Author beenburned Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 But if a WS did have an affair, why would they get mad if the BS calls it that? Are they trying to minimize what they did in their minds so that they don't feel as guilty? Or do they think if the BS knew there were emotions involved, they would be more likely to get a divorce? Or do feel that their cheating didn't involve feelings for the OW, therefore should be just called cheating? Maybe more FWS will respond and explain.
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 h doesn't like the word at all, he says it sounds like some cheap love story. When h would speak of it, he'd say, "I committed adultery, let's call it as the sin it is." Me personally, I hated all the words that related to it. 2
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The word "affair" describes the R. The word "cheating" merely describes the action. If you label the R, it suddenly becomes - something. If you label the action, it's just - the action. Such a smart lass!
Author beenburned Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 DM, If, affair = relationship cheating = action Then maybe we should just call it adultery because the WS is married. Then it doesn't matter whether his was a ONS/FB/FWB/ or an affair, it still makes it adultery! 1
carhill Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 IMO, with each specific couple defining the particulars amongst themselves, all cheating of the romantic/sexual/emotional sort, if ongoing, are affairs but not all affairs are cheating. For example, an ongoing, conspicuous and public inappropriate relationship may be termed an affair but it is not cheating, as there is not deception to gain advantage involved, as indicated by the word 'cheat'. The relationship could be termed an 'open marriage' or 'open relationship' if the partner involved was agreeable. If not agreeable, but tolerated for reasons known only to the partner, then 'affair'. I was watching some old movies last night and reading up on the histories of the actors/actresses and was enlightened by how many had very public affairs, some even having children with their affair partners, all openly and conspicuously. IMO, those were certainly affairs, but hardly cheating, if there was clear disclosure and no ambiguity about the extra-marital relationship. That said, it is entirely possible there was deception prior to disclosure, so I don't discount every open affair as having *never* been a cheating situation. Some certainly were/are. Some examples: A person who has expresses sexual/emotional attraction to a person other than their partner, where their partner is unaware, could be deemed to have 'cheated', if that is the agreement (no expressions of attraction to others) amongst the parties. An ongoing expression of said attraction could, again based upon said agreement, be considered an affair, and cheating if hidden/undisclosed to take advantage of the ignorance of one's partner. No sexual interaction nor expressions of love need be exchanged. As discussed in a historical thread about a sexless marriage, if the wife says 'if you want sex you'll have to get it somewhere else' and, theoretically, the husband replies 'OK, I have a person in mind and it will happen as xxx and yyy', then it is not cheating, nor an affair, since there is notice and proactive agreement. My personal experience with MW's has taught me that different people have different explanations and, generally, IME, the women I've encountered don't consider inappropriate relationships to be affairs or 'cheating' unless PIV or other sexual contact has occurred and is provable. That has been a relatively consistent psychology amongst those I've encountered. They do readily admit to interactions being affairs/cheating where such PIV/sex has occurred. So, for them, 'emotional' cheating is not a term they recognize as valid, or so they have said to me directly. I liked our psychologist's 'explanation': If the behavior inhibits the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. YMMV.
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I guess it comes down to semantics, but when I think of an affair, I define it as more than having physical sex. I see it as two people having both an emotional connection and a physical connection. But I would have to say that this is certainly not everyone's opinion. Here is a definition that comes closes to what I consider an affair: Definition: A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that may not last long that is between two people who are not married to one another. Affair Definition A purely physical relationship is still cheating, but really cannot be included based on the above definition. But you can have a romantic, sexually and or emotionally intense relationship, not married to each other as single people. I find this definition lacking because it does not use the words "secret from a spouse of SO."
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 But if a WS did have an affair, why would they get mad if the BS calls it that? Are they trying to minimize what they did in their minds so that they don't feel as guilty? Or do they think if the BS knew there were emotions involved, they would be more likely to get a divorce? Or do feel that their cheating didn't involve feelings for the OW, therefore should be just called cheating? Maybe more FWS will respond and explain. Yes to both of the above; they are trying to minimize their actions AND they are trying to portray that they did have emotions invested in their cheating partners.
Author beenburned Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Spark, I agree about the affair having to be a secret kept from their spouse, or else it would just be called an open marriage!
Radagast Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I have read where some WS's don't like it when we call their cheating an affair! What is the reason for this? Is there a difference between cheating and an affair? I've not come across this before, but speaking entirely for myself, I preferred to refer to my relationship as a relationship rather than an affair. An affair suggested something on the side, something of secondary importance and that was not at all how it felt to me. My relationship was far more important to me than my marriage.
Author beenburned Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 Rad, Your relationship is different than most OW/MM, in that it was an exit affair. You got a divorce and married your OW. And yes, it was something on the side, since you were still married to your BW. However, it still was an affair because of the secrecy and lies to the BW. If you had been honest and told her this fact, and she approved of the situation, then it would have been an open marriage. 3
MourningLosses Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I've not come across this before, but speaking entirely for myself, I preferred to refer to my relationship as a relationship rather than an affair. An affair suggested something on the side, something of secondary importance and that was not at all how it felt to me. My relationship was far more important to me than my marriage. I hated it when he called it an affair for pretty much this reason. He said that it was an affair because we were married and it was secret. I thought it was a relationship. But he broke our relationship and went back to his wife so what would I know? His marriage is probably better than ever now thanks to me and the fact he now has to put in the effort for her because she's insecure about me.
canuckprincess Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I have read where some WS's don't like it when we call their cheating an affair! What is the reason for this? Is there a difference between cheating and an affair? When I refered to our Relationship as an affair my mm would correct me and say what we have is real and it's more then an affair. I think there are alot of different situations that play a part in whether it's a affair, a fling, or a relationship. Such as time and emotions invested.
Author beenburned Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 CP, I'm not familiar with your story. Did MM's wife know he was cheating with you?
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