Seductive Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) I'm just curious.Sometimes, I don't even know what's normal. As I said in another thread, my mom doesn't believe that adult women have the right to make their own decisions. She views me as an extension of her. She wants me to do everything that she wants from how I wear my hair, my makeup, my weight, who I date, what I like, what music I should like, how I feel, what my hobbies are..you get the idea. Does anyone else have parents like this? How did you handle it? I simply told my parents that I'm a different person from them and that I'm going to make my own decisions. Saying this caused a fight amongst us, but I needed to say it. Is it also normal for a mother to give her daugther her own bras? My mom and I aren't the same bra size, and we're more than 20 years apart. My mom giving me her bras and clothes is an example of her seeing me as an extension. The fact is is that we don't have the same body type. Also, how many parents on loveshack are okay with their adult children developing their own identities and individuality? As long as you're not hurting anyone, why does it matter if your daughter or son prefers different music or likes to wear their hair the way they like it? An example is how my mom pressures me to straighten my hair, but I prefer my hair curly. Edited October 26, 2012 by Seductive
todreaminblue Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I'm just curious.Sometimes, I don't even know what's normal. As I said in another thread, my mom doesn't believe that adult women should do as they please. She wants me to do everything that she wants from how I wear my hair, my makeup, my weight, who I date, what I like, what music I should like, how I feel, what my hobbies are..you get the idea. She has even given me her bras for to wear (which I think is weird), but her bras aren't the same size as me. It's as if she sees me as herself. Does anyone else have parents like this? How did you handle it? I simply told my parents that I'm a different person from them and that I'm going to make my own decisions. Saying this caused a fight amongst us, but I needed to say it. When I have kids, I want them to develop their own identitie and opinions in a healthy way. I will not expect them to a replica or a parrot of me. No two people in this world are alike. If I need to "live" through my child, then I can look at myself and do the things that make me happy. I want my kids to have big hearts i would like to think I have one. but to want them to have my thoughts and history i have done everything i can to make sure they dont and unfortunately havent been able to stop history repeating I will keep trying.....and hope for the best i have had some success in instilling values i hold......especially as far as altruism goes......i hope that I can be a source of inspiration fro them to achieve their dreams.....i have helped others achieve theri dreams who werent related to me....and they hold different dreams to me....i think that is healthy...i would be disappointed if they followed me on some of the paths i have been on.....extremely...i hope all the good things I believe and have done rub off on them....they are independant thinkers though.....and i still have unfulfilled dreams of my own to chase.......deb
Author Seductive Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) I want my kids to have big hearts i would like to think I have one. but to want them to have my thoughts and history i have done everything i can to make sure they dont and unfortunately havent been able to stop history repeating I will keep trying.....and hope for the best i have had some success in instilling values i hold......especially as far as altruism goes......i hope that I can be a source of inspiration fro them to achieve their dreams.....i have helped others achieve theri dreams who werent related to me....and they hold different dreams to me....i think that is healthy...i would be disappointed if they followed me on some of the paths i have been on.....extremely...i hope all the good things I believe and have done rub off on them....they are independant thinkers though.....and i still have unfulfilled dreams of my own to chase.......deb What you said is normal. You want your kids to be good people. But, my question is more along the lines of: 1) Let's say you prefer straight hair. Do you want your child to have straight hair, when they prefer their hair to be naturally curly? 2) Let's say you're a mom that drools over rich men. Do you want your daughter to only like rich men that drive fancy cars, when that's not important to her? 3) Let's say you think dark eyes are boring. Do you pressure your child to wear colored contacts, when he/she would just prefer their natural eyes? 4) Let's say your kid has their own apartment. Do you go behind your child's back, without their permission, and fix the apartment to be the way that you like? 5) Let's say you like rap and pop music. Your child hates it. Do you pressure your child to like rap and pop, and get mad at them for liking the music they like? 6) Let's say you hate shopping at the dollar store, because you think it's for "low-class people". Your daughter doesn't mind shopping at the dollar store. Do you try to convince her to stop shopping there? This is what I mean by a parent trying to get their kid to be like them and not allowing any space for their own individual preferences. These are all things that my mother did. Edited October 26, 2012 by Seductive
Nyla Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Viewing children as an extension is a sign of narcissism. My mother tries to tell me what to do with my life as well. I just say yes and do what I choose anyway. She gets mad when I don't let her run my life, but I am 30 years old and I can make my own choices. As for clothing, I used to wear my mother's shoes when I lived with her since we are the same size. Wearing the same bras? Ick. 2
pink_sugar Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 My mom would actually call me her "mini-me" when I was younger. I really didn't like it...still don't. Because I am my own person and while I have similarities with my parents...they are just that...similarities. Otherwise, I have my own interests and personality. If I ever have children, I'd want and encourage them to be their own individuals. It's great to see similarities and similar interests...but I think the fun part about having kids is watching them grow into their own person.
amaysngrace Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I say my kids are half me, half dad but all them. 3
GorillaTheater Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Is it also normal for a mother to give her daugther her own bras? My mom and I aren't the same bra size, and we're more than 20 years apart. My mom giving me her bras and clothes is an example of her seeing me as an extension. The fact is is that we don't have the same body type. I'm just trying to picture my reaction if my dad tried to pawn off his used underwear on me, or my son's reaction if I said "here son, don't need these jockey briefs any more". 2
Author Seductive Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 I know she's a narcissist, but setting boundaries rarely work with them. I tell her not to bring clothes and makeup, bc I don't need it. I think agreeing verbally and then doing what you want is the best solution, but it's tough. The woman will never stop pushing. I am in the process of going no contact, but she always comes back
SpiralOut Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Umm yeah that's not normal. My mother is a little bit like that with me, with small things. Like for christmas one year I asked for a hair straightener. She hates it that I straighten my hair because she thinks I'm lucky that it's wavy and she wants her hair to be like that. So she got me a curling iron. Or she knows I like coffee so she got me a huge container of decaf coffee because she thinks I should drink less caffeine. Or when I visit her she'll ask me if I want something and I'll tell her no. Later when I get home I'll find it stuffed into one of my bags when I wasn't looking.
Author Seductive Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Thank you for the replies, but my mom thinks that most parents are like here. She will bring up examples about how this mom did this or this mom did that. Then again, she's in her own bubble and is comfortable only seeing what conforms to that bubble. I have tried to encourage her to get her own hobbies, explore her own identity, make friends outside of her ethnicity (she prefers to associate with other East Indians), and even go back to school to help her feel better about herself. She refuses. Oh well.
Daniel V. Ross Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Maybe your mom just want to guide you as your grow up. Time will come that she will let you to manage your own decisions.
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