On the verge of breaking up...

[loadofhoopla]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. He is almost 29, I am 26.

 

We have lived together through almost the entire relationship. We have survived a lot of different stages in each of our lives. I moved to his city from the start to be with him; he refuses to move to my hometown because of his friends and family that are here. I understand but I am deeply hurt that he is unwilling to do something for me that I did for him (multiple times - we have lived in many different houses together).

 

I am also deeply hurt by the fact that he has not asked me to marry him yet. His great-aunt gave him a ring months ago, and we have talked often about getting married. That is something he says he wants, yet we fight so much it keeps getting taken off the table. I am constantly asked by friends, my family, his family, his friends, even strangers why he has not asked me yet. It breaks my heart and deep down shatters my self-esteem even more than it already is. I've explained this to him, but there is only so much you can say. If he wanted it he would have already done it.

 

I am new starting out in my profession because it required years of schooling which I have recently completed, and have yet to find a job that I really enjoy. I make $20 an hour working from home - the money is not nearly enough to pay off my astounding student loan debt, and working from home makes me depressed. Even though we have lived in his city for so long together I have yet to make many friends, and on a daily basis do not have very much going on besides the work.

 

Before I met him I had a horrible break-up with my ex-boyfriend who grew up in the same neighborhood that I did. I did not want to go back home initially; hence my willingness to move into the new boyfriends life. I find myself missing my family and friends more and more. I used to have a lot of friends, and self-confidence. I go home every couple of months and I am happy to be there. If I did not miss my boyfriend so much when I am there I would not come back, but I do. It is undeniable how much I love him.

 

I am bitter about having no friends. It has been so long being here it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. My boyfriend works and has hobbies with his friends so that by the time he gets home he never wants to do anything. It makes it impossible to meet new people - what am I supposed to do sit in a bar by myself until someone comes up and asks me to hang out? I guarantee the only people I would attract would be men who want to sleep with me - and I miss having girlfriends.

 

I am at my breaking point because of all of this, as well as the fact that my boyfriend talks to his sister a lot and has told her how unhappy he is with the relationship. We both know we love each other and breaking up would be extremely hard for both of us. It just kills me because I do not really talk about my problems with him to my friends - I used to but all they would do is tell me to dump him and come home. I obviously do not really want that or I would have done it already. I overheard his sister tell him if he is not happy to be single. I agree, for both of us, but that is not really what I want and he's told me that is not what he wants. But now I feel like his family thinks I am this person impeding his happiness and are counting down the days until he dumps me. I cannot be comfortable around them anymore.

 

I am hurt that when I try to talk to him he gets angry and is a poor communicater. I am distraught over the fact that I do not have real friends to turn to.

 

I know a lot of the advice I will get will be to break up already and move back home to my life. That is what I would tell someone in my situation. But I love him, and I do not want that. I just want to feel safe and secure with him and my life here. That will not happen unless he asks me to marry him and I have friends to turn to.

[sweetkiwi]

friends are a luxury. Not a necessity. Keep trying girl. Thats all you can do. I'm 25 and my man is 29. When they are that age, and when we are this age, we go through weird stages. If you really love eachother you'll work on it together.

 

My man is difficult to talk to as well. But only about emotions. They're just not built the same way as us, which s partially why we're attracted right.

 

Start doing things that make you happy. So you're not focusing so much on the negative. You two need to start over and get to know eachother all over again. Fall back in love. But it has to be half him too. Good luck!

[loadofhoopla]

Thanks. It just kills me because I feel like I used to be a different person - someone that I actually liked. It's not his fault exactly, it's just the circumstanes. I am definitely depressed and I am not a normally sad person. My friends used to call me Sunshine, even.

 

The thing that gets me the most is marriage. Everyone, and I mean everyone has asked me about it. I hate answering because as much as he and I have talked about it and how upset I am because he has not asked, the truth must be that he does not want to ask me. If he cared about being with me at all he would want the world to know it - 3.5 years is far long enough to know if the person you are with is the one you want to be with.

 

He is in a wedding tomorrow and we are going to the rehearsal dinner tonight - it is to the point where I feel like crying and I do not even want to go. I love love. It makes me so happy to see PDA and see people happy with each other. It breaks my heart that I am obviously not the one for him and its been so long that everyone knows it.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Ummm..friends are not a "luxuary". Everyone needs a support system. Someone they can turn to for good times and bad. I consider them a necessity.

 

Honestly OP, your boyfriend sounds selfish and controlling. He doesnt' seem to care about what you need. Which is probably why he picked someone younger than him because usually younger women will acquiesce so what their older partners want.

 

You need to figure out what you need. I am not going to tell you to break up with him but as it stands, he's not a supportive boyfriend. And it sounds like he is using the marriage thing to play games with you.

[loadofhoopla]

I know he is selfish and controlling. He can be extremely verbally abusive and confrontational. He was raised in an environment where not only was that behavior accepted it was almost encouraged. I was raised in an abusive environment as well and I cannot stand it.

 

That being said, I am stupidly, madly in love with him. I do not have the courage to leave, and even if I did I do not want to. I just want him to change the way he talks to me.

 

Has anyone felt like this before? That they know what they are in is probably not right but they cannot help themselves and are not ready or willing to drop it? Is there a way to "train" each other to essentially be good to each other?

 

There is a great deal of love that exists on both sides. I do not doubt for a second that he loves me and he knows I love him. We just are at a stand still because we do not know how to communicate with each other in a way that the other person really understands.

[venusianx13]

Considering all you've done for him, I would say that since he will not commit to you, he should not have the priviledge of having you all to himself. I wish there were some way you could show him just that, but since you have no friends or family, it would be difficult.

 

Are you interested in spiritual pursuits? I am a Buddhist and when my last relationship was failing, I took on extra duties at my Dharma Center and became more involved, overall. My faith also strengthened, and it helped me to cope with what was happening in my relationship. Even if it's not spiritual, is there anything you are interested in that could get you off on your own, doing something for YOU, for some time each week? I also did wildlife rehabilitation for a year, and it was incredibly rewarding and boosted my self-esteem a great deal. I would urge you to do things that make you feel good. Do not depend on your boyfriend for validation. If you shift your focus to yourself, what you may find is that the dynamic of your relationship will change for the better, and you may end up with the proposal you are looking for. EVEN IF that doesn't happen, you will become stronger and be able to come up with a stable plan for yourself, and walk away from the relationship if that is what you come to realize is right for you.

 

Best of luck.

[venusianx13]

I also want to add that by immersing myself in spirituality and in other things that made me feel happy, I noticed that ALL of my relationships changed for the better (including family and friends). Even though things did not work out with my ex-fiance, after all was said and done, the work I did on myself prepared me for whatever was to come. I made peace with the expiration of my 6 year relationship and moved on to much better things.

[RiverRunning]

OP, what kinds of hobbies are you interested in? I'd start googling around for groups related to that in your area. There has to be a place where you can meet women around your age. Even getting involved in an exercise class or something. Start a knitting group or a book club or something and meet up at a coffee shop to talk about things. You'd meet men the same way: by getting involved in groups where you're likely to meet people with similar interests.

 

I work from home too - (hey, you'll have to tell me what you do sometime. I'm always looking to diversify) - and I fully understand that it can get lonely. It can even get easy to put the full burden of your happiness on your boyfriend when you're lonely. You have to be proactive about making your own happiness.

 

Going to church if you're religious could be helpful.

 

But the person you're describing - your boyfriend - he sounds like a disaster, OP. There are many things couples can work through, and most couples will have some kind of big issue come up at some point (sexually and otherwise). I don't think the automatic answer to any problem is a break-up, but it certainly doesn't bode well.

 

My partner had anger problems when we first started dating (I also grew up in a verbally abusive home) and he'd start yelling when he got angry at something. I told him I would leave every time he raised his voice and modeled for him how I expected him to talk about his anger (to be fair, he wasn't yelling at me - just in general about his frustrations). He needed to learn to handle it appropriately. Eventually, he did get over that.

 

But a person has to be willing to change. I walked out on him and he had to spend a few days on his own wondering what would happen. From that point on - after he apologized to me - it was never an issue again.

 

Is your boyfriend willing to go to anger management?

 

It sounds as though he isn't giving you what you need emotionally from him - it sounds like a battlefield, honestly - and for you, an engagement seems like a new beginning. Do you think that he will change, or that the engagement will fill in those emotional gaps? i.e., that it is a very powerful symbol of love and commitment, and that if he can just do that, that's all you'll need?

 

I'd really advise maybe going home to your family for a week and breaking all contact with him in that time. Give yourself a chance to feel how life will be without him. Situations like yours tend to get WORSE after engagement and marriage - when he feels he no longer has to keep up his air of semi-decency. And then, make your decision.

[veggirl]

Good lord. Verbally abusive, controlling, and confrontational. Plus neglectful.

 

That's the marriage you are upset you don't have?

[dasein]

Agree with VG, and think you need to do some serious thinking about how much of your feelings for this man are love, and how much is a codependence that he has manipulated to his benefit. If more the latter than the former, you need to go yesterday. Sorry to say what you know everyone would, but it's really the only answer here. You have a completely lopsided relationship that he has proven unwilling to budge on which will continually cause you emotional damage in time. Thank god you aren't married and can walk.

[brakco]

Thanks. It just kills me because I feel like I used to be a different person - someone that I actually liked. It's not his fault exactly, it's just the circumstanes. I am definitely depressed and I am not a normally sad person. My friends used to call me Sunshine, even.

 

This. I understand what you are going through completely and I've definitely been there more times than I'd like to admit. The thing is, he fell in love with someone who didn't have a ton of emotional baggage. Men are very different than women when it comes to emotions. I grew up a tomboy and only recently discovered how extremely important it is to have women you are close to in your life. When I'm upset about something I go to them first now. It clears the head and if it's not a serious issue it also helps to relieve all those emotions so when you come home to your man you give off that same "vibe" he fell in love with.

 

My heart was so broken that I didn't date for two years and now I am again and I notice the pattern I have when it comes to my emotions when dating. Whenever I even slightly vent on my guy he backs off. I've made it rule now that I go to my girlfriends first so that when I AM with my guy we just concentrate on having fun and being good friends as well as a couple. It's worked well so far.

 

I wish you the best, hon. Stay strong.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I know he is selfish and controlling. He can be extremely verbally abusive and confrontational. He was raised in an environment where not only was that behavior accepted it was almost encouraged. I was raised in an abusive environment as well and I cannot stand it.

 

That being said, I am stupidly, madly in love with him. I do not have the courage to leave, and even if I did I do not want to. I just want him to change the way he talks to me.

 

Has anyone felt like this before? That they know what they are in is probably not right but they cannot help themselves and are not ready or willing to drop it? Is there a way to "train" each other to essentially be good to each other?

 

There is a great deal of love that exists on both sides. I do not doubt for a second that he loves me and he knows I love him. We just are at a stand still because we do not know how to communicate with each other in a way that the other person really understands.

 

Of course you fell in love with him. You fell in love with a relationship and a man that mimics your own family history. You fell in love with the relationship because it's familiar to you.

 

I am not saying he doesn't love you. He might. That doesn't mean the love is healthy or good though. Not everyone learns "love" the same way. Not everyone is capable of healthy love. Unfortunetly, John Lenon was not right and you need more than love to make a relationship work.

 

These are your choices:

 

1. Break up with him and work on yourself and let him work on himself.

2. Continue seeing him and taking the verbal abuse and the inconsideration for your own feelings.

3. Both of you go to a counselor. Both of you go as seperate individuals to work out your past histories and go as a couple.

 

Right now your relationship is still pretty new and fresh. But there will come a time when you get tired of his treatement of you. In another 10 years, you will have so much frustration, hurt feelings and sadness and bitterment toward him for his treatment of you. Somen tend to stockpile their feelings until one day they can't take it anymore. So you either take care of these problems now or you ignore them and *hope* they get better on their own. Which won't happen. The choice is yours and as I see it, you only really have the 3 choices I listed above.