How can she do this

[Pete123]

I'm not really sure where to begin, all i know is i need help right now, i dont feel like carrying on, i feel suicidal, i feel like i cant live and i just need to vent it out.

 

My name is Peter, im 22 years old and i live in London, roughly around 4 years ago i met a girl online, i had never been in a relationship before and wasn't really even looking but here came along this girl who seemed to like me, we spoke every day, every night, pretty much knew eachothers business and eventually came the point where she wanted to meet up, so we did. We had been talking online for 2 years and now we were finally gonna meet.

 

We met up and fell in love, atleast from what i know we did, she was so kind and beautiful and i love her to bits. The first time she came over she stayed for a week and then instantly came back, she liked being with me, so she moved in with me. From what i know she enjoyed being with me, i would do anything for her, shower her with gifts, if it meant id go without something then so be it, id do it for her. I worked for her, didn't force her to work or anything.

 

Now after living with me for 2 years, she said that she misses home and wants to leave to go live back home in Holland and that i should come with her, its something that has always been a touchy subject because i never personally wanted to go live in her country. She was adamant that she wanted to go back home so, i let her and the plan was that i would come over to live with her or atleast try to live there for her. I couldn't move over straight away as she had no where to live so , she moved in with her parents while i wait here in London to get her place. She said it would be quick as things are fairly fast in Holland.

 

I've had a hard time coping on my own, i feel so alone without her and now while she's over there its like talking to a different person, She never shows any emotions to me when we talk or cam, never shows any kind of love or interest in me and now after i forced her to basically talk to me, she says that she isnt sure about us because she wants to "work on herself" and that i might hold her back. I asked her to explain what that means but she says she cant.

 

Her family does basically everything for her, they have money where as i dont have alot of money and it hasn't always been easy when we were together. I looked after her as best as i could, we had such good times and we loved eachother so much while together, i cant understand how she would have any doubts, but now im stuck and i dont know if we'll ever be together again. She has said to me that she will NEVER come back to London again.

 

I just dont know what to do, my routine, my love, my future is all in tatters right now, i dont want to live. We even had plans to make kids soon and just live a normal life but she does this to me and i dont know what to make of it.

 

Im so alone and have nobody to talk to, im having trouble eating because the whole situation is sick, im loosing weight rapidly, cant sleep at night and im getting sick and please someone just help me out

Edited October 26, 2012 by Pete123

[sweetkiwi]

you need to see a professional about this. I can't be very positive for you except telling you it will be okay and you have to start helping yourself get better.

[PYTpisces]

Yeah this one is tough. I'm glad you posted here instead of harming yourself any further. My heart goes out to you I encourage you to make an appointment to see a therapist too. If it's unbearable you can check in to in-patient. You can also keep posting here with us. I'm always checking my phone for new posts like this. The pain is going to be the worst right now because its all so fresh and new. Losing a loved one is just that, loss. So you're going to grieve the same way, as though she has passed away... the relationship is at rest essentially. I'm sorry this is so morbid, but I'm saying this out of compassion and you need to have compassion for yourself right now. You've been hit by a bus.. the rug pulled form under your feet.. you name it. You have every right and reason to feel the way you feel. We just want you to keep breating, to make it to the next minute, hour, day etc... if you do this, the pain does start to fade. Just have faith that it does okay? Keep posting if you have more thoughts *hugs*

[The_Face]

Don't do anything to hurt yourself, OP. I know what you're saying. My recent breakup a few months ago, I felt the same way. I know I would never actually hurt myself, but I felt so bad then that I thought about it all the time. Things WILL get better. Finding out someone you are in love with may not be in love with you the same way anymore is devastating news. But first off, we don't even know for sure where things will go from here. She may take some time away, and after some NC maybe she'll get things put back in perspective and realize how much you mean to her. She's in the zone right now, feeling new things and probably feeling like she is on the verge of some drastic life change, but chances are, it's all talk. The novelty of being with her folks and being on her own will wear off and you'll be on her mind again when it does..

 

Other scenario is things never pan out after this. You continue to drift, until you're no longer a couple in any way and you're strangers to eachother. This is an option. Even if it goes this route, you'll survive. There's so many people out there in the world, you may feel like you found the only one girl you wanted to be with, but that doesn't mean she is the one. I'm not helping much, I bet.

 

Just hang in there, take it one day at a time. Find something fun to do with your friends. Get out, find your self again. It sounds like you gave it all to this girl, which, while commendable is not a healthy way to show your love for somebody. You need to love yourself, too. Now that you're girl is gone you don't seem to care about yourself at all. That's not good.

 

Seek professional help if you think you need it. For me, talking with close friends and family, paired with days and days of practice changing my patterns of thinking, has started to do the trick. It gets easier. I can say now that this girl that got me all torn up inside a few months ago isn't nearly as much of an influence on me anymore. Do I still love her? Yes, absolutely. But do I beat myself up about it ending, how it's all my fault? Hell no. We are going our seperate paths, and we shared some good times together, that's it. I'm just happy to say I got to date this girl for a short while and have some fun with her, where not every guy is going to be able to say that.

 

Good luck moving on. Don't hurt yourself though, it's not worth it.

[CopingGal]

Click on this link to get help. Good luck.

 

Samaritans | Samaritans

[Pete123]

Thanks for the kind words everyone, slowly trying to help myself back up, getting there.

[stemac]

pete you can do it... your worth more keep getting stronger pal :-)

[Solcita2]

Crap, I can't send you a message, so I'll try to talk through here.

 

Around 4 years ago I was in the exact same place you are right now.

Met him through internet, started out as friends and then fell absolutely in love. We used to talk not only online but also through the phone. I wouldn't get into my office building without talking with him first.

 

We met up and everything went better as I could have imagined in my mind. You know? Feeling like in a movie or something like that.

He proposing in my birthday, me meeting all of his friends. When it was time for me to cross the ocean and back home, he begged me to stay and to go home with him until the last minute. I couldn't because my boss was super nice to me and I didn't want to quit my job on the phone without properly training someone to replace me.

 

I came back home, quit my job, trained a replacement, packed my stuff, gave away half of everything and... one week before my departure he breaks up with me THROUGH EMAIL.

Everything was perfect until that email. And I was WTH????

 

To make a long story short: he had someone else back home, he thought it'd never work out so that's how I existed... but later, she wanted him back and so he cut everything with me. Actually, he was married to that person. Fool me.

 

In those first weeks, I understood people who cut themselves, something I never did until that point, because the pain I was going trough inside, could only be felt like physical when cutting.

I did think about taking my life (after all I quit my job and gave away almost all my belongings), I felt I had nothing left. Then I realized that the worst thing I could do to him was survive and have the best life I could have, without him in my life.

 

I think your girl was running away from home in the sense she was running away from something she didn't want to deal with there. She went back, dealt with it, and then she doesn't need you anymore.

If you really do love her and want to give it a last chance, I'd travel and interact with her in her enviroment, even if she doesn't invite you... and I would only make a decision there.. if only you can.

Beware, you can get a bigger heartbroken. When everything happened everybody told me to travel, but I was afraid I'd find him with her (which later I found out was truth)

 

Hope it helps. Keep coming back, we'll help you in any way we can. I'm not afraid but proud to say that some boards saved my life.

 

Sol.

[Pete123]

Thanks for the responses guys,

 

I actually traveled and went to see her in Holland, the first day i was there she told me she wanted to break up with me but slowly through the days she started wanting me again?... i couldn't resist and now she wants me again.

 

I had to come back though since i didn't really have a place to stay, we have plans to see eachother again at christmas but im just so depressed being back again... i sit with my phone waiting for text messages and i know its so depressing, i just want to go back over and be with her again, i crave it.

 

I asked her maybe she could come to me till christmas and then go back together but she keeps saying no, she cant, she needs to work on getting her own place etc which is fine i understand but shes been there now for a little over a month and nothing has happend, im not sure what to think. Abit worried also because this will be the longest iv ever been apart from her and last time i was apart from her it took her 2 weeks before she told me that she wanted to work on herself and didn't want me... urgh.

 

I've been looking for jobs online to try get myself over there but no luck .... ( if anyone lives in south of the netherlands and has jobs to offer let me know lol).

 

Just feel like i wana be there so bad, i want to be with her, just dont know how to cope being on my own, i find it a big struggle, i feel like i always need someone to talk to during the day and i have pretty much nobody who i can open up to, anyway thought id give a update to people and i sort of like typing out how im feeling so i guess this gives me some comfort. I do feel slightly better than i did when she first left though, for some reason... maybe its because i did the leaving this time instead of her... I dunno

Edited November 12, 2012 by Pete123

[Pete123]

So my last post was in November so thought id give a update, alot has changed. First of all iv sort of managed to get passed feeling depressed 24/7 stage so I guess that's one positive, Christmas together with her never happened, she dumped me for good and went NC mode for weeks. It was really hard to deal with but somehow I managed to get passed it. About 4 weeks ago we became friends again and to my suprise she had been intrested in another guy, she had a flight booked and everything to go see him, it hurt quite alot but made myself not care, anyway that for her didnt work out as the guy screwed her over, we have been good friends till now anyhow.

 

Even though I guess I have tried moving on from her, I still get down, I cant stop thinking about all the times I had with her which were great, I never tell her these days how I feel because I know she will just ignore and maybe block me, I do have feelings for her that I shouldn't, I don't think she loves me at all, maybe as just friends which I can live with but I find myself wanting her and I don't know how to get rid of it.

 

Other than that I'm doing great , gym is working out good, building them muscles up and I started a college course to keep me busy till September, still no work though, dam recession, all I can say is time does heal but the scars remain.

[Survivor12]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better than you were when you first posted although I am sorry that things didn't work out as you would have liked.

 

It sounds like you are making a real effort to take care of yourself and move on, but as long as you are still in touch with her and trying to bury your feelings, you are sabotaging your healing. As hard as it may seem, it will be much easier to move on if you let go of her completely. Trying to stay friends with someone you love when they don't feel the same about you, is torture. Why continue to put yourself through that?

 

Instead of concerning yourself about her blocking you, do yourself a big favor by blocking her instead. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to talk to her. She isn't moving back to London and you don't really want to move to Holland. She doesn't want to get back together, and you deserve someone who does. So what's the point?

 

You've already come a long way, you can do this.

[Pete123]

Hey Survivor12

 

Thanks for the kind words and i know the best thing to do is to just avoid her at all costs, i sort of know inside of myself its the best thing to do but its so difficult.

 

Hopefully it works out

[Survivor12]

Believe me, I know how hard it is. Fortunately, though, I finally did it and my only regret is not having been strong enough to do it sooner.

 

I wish I could tell you how to make it easier but the truth is the strength comes FROM making the decision to do it. Trying to BE strong enough only prolongs the pain.

 

You can do it.

[TaraMaiden]

pete123 I'm surprised nobody's mentioned it, but then I guess we all know about it so well, we kinda take it for granted and expect everyone else does too....

 

Please click on the No Contact Guide link in my signature (updated 2013) because therein lies your 'survival and triumph' pack.

 

Please read it thoroughly, and know that it works really well - but only if you implement it completely.

[Pete123]

Thank you for the NC guide Tara and thanks survivor for your words....

 

Something happened tonight which almost made me feel like I'm breaking up again with her, I feel so stupid because its all my own doing but at the same time I'm a very lonely person so I think this is why. We've been friends now for about a month having each other on Facebook etc but tonight I argued with her saying she's been ignoring my messages and often replying nastly to me because she doesn't really want to talk to me, she then went a d deleted me off facebook. I know its just facebook but its really had a effect on me, to be fair shes the only friend I have to talk to and now I feel so lonely again, really depressing.

 

I know its my own fault, I just wanted a friend that understands me that I can talk to, really hurts when thats gone.

Edited February 3, 2013 by Pete123

[Survivor12]

But you've still got all of us!

[Pete123]

Thanks Survivor my one and only buddy! lol

 

I spoke to her this morning and its all about her her her, so i deleted her and blocked her from everything possible, feel like alot of weight just got dropped off as much as i feel sad. I just couldn't let her treat me this way, eating her slice of the cake while i suffer in misery.

 

I think she felt very much in control of my emotions so she thought she could do whatever she wanted and i let that happen because i wanted her more than anything.

 

Lets hope it stays this way

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Survivor my one and only buddy! lol

Yeah, great. Thanks for that.... What am I, chopped liver....?

 

 

I spoke to her this morning and its all about her her her, so i deleted her and blocked her from everything possible, feel like alot of weight just got dropped off as much as i feel sad. I just couldn't let her treat me this way, eating her slice of the cake while i suffer in misery.

 

I think she felt very much in control of my emotions so she thought she could do whatever she wanted and i let that happen because i wanted her more than anything.

 

Lets hope it stays this way

 

Why did you 'speak to her this morning'....?

Who contacted who....?

[Pete123]

Hey Tara, im afraid you'll have to join the line if you want to be my friend too!... nah im greatful that your trying to help and thank you for your support, my one and only 2nd friend

 

She left me some messages kinda a continued thing from last night so i responded to her but i just cant be bothered hurting myself any longer so deleted every possible way of contact, even went out and bought a new phone today. Just tired of being hurt and really, really want to move on.

 

It does hurt to not have her in my life but i dont really have a choice, she's moved on and left me for dust, i should be too.

[TaraMaiden]

Bought a new 'phone, huh?

 

Drastic - but essential.

 

Good for you.

 

Now make sure you don't call her to let her know you've changed your phone, so there....

 

Looks like you are absolutely dead-set against being strung along and played with.

This is good progress, Pete, honestly.

[Pete123]

Yeah decided i'd change my number so thought id just go upgrade my phone in the process.