Darkside01 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 How do I start. I am recently divorcing my wife of 16 years. Back in March I found out from my wife that she had an affair 15 years ago and didn't know if our second daughter was mine. Honestly I could have lived my life without knowing this. Our marriage was already changing and heading for divorce but I feel that this is how she wanted to finally break up. At first I was shocked, angry and saddened. I eventually told her I forgave her. We tried to work at it, I moved out in hopes of reconciling our problems. The very first weekend she was partying like a 21 year old. I then found out the guy she had an affair with came back into her life a year ago and she had secretly been seeing him. He wanted to know if that was his child. So that is why she told me. We did the paternity test and she got the results and showed me that my daughter was mine. What she didn't tell me is she took his sample and showed me his to not complicate the situation, so she says. However she fully intended to tell him she was his as well. Anyway I found the real results two weeks later and we have filed for divorce. I have asked that she stop seeing him until it was final but she insistently goes to him almost every night and she has the kids. They are left alone 4 nights a week. 3 kids btw. 16, 14 & 12. I have been going nuts. Is this acceptable of me and her. She wants to be friends with me for the kids sake and finds nothing wrong with dating him. She has made him a partner in her new business even. I finally broke down and said that he can come around the house if the kids choose it's ok, so that an adult presence will be there. Also my kids were told about what she did and my daughter was shocked and worried about me but wants to get to know him as well. My x has brought him around a lot recently almost forcing him on them and she sees nothing wrong with that, but I do. Does it seem like she being manipulated by the presence of him and feels bad so she has to make him happy or is it a rebound mixture. I don't know how to handle the situation, too many emotions and too fast for her moving on. What do I do?
Balzac Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Welcome to LS. Lots of helpful, friendly folks here. What a tragic, sad story. So if I understand, you did not get your own copy of the paternity test? Two of the children are biological to you?
Author Darkside01 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 We did not test the other two children. She told me that she tested me and my daughter. She did not tell me that she tested the other guy. When she got the results she showed me his and not mine. The only reason I found out later was because she had all of our daughters pictures over the years sitting out when I came to visit the kids. I then figured out she lied to me.
Balzac Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 What a blow and tragic for you and all unnecessary.
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 My (very recent) ex-wife has also had a man over. However, he comes over at night when the kids are asleep. When confronted, my ex-wife said he is not a romantic interest but otherwise didn't even give me a cover story for a man coming over at those hours. She had also slept with OM (different guy) on our couch while the kids were asleep in their rooms during her affair so I certainly have little faith in her at this point. I guess I am in a slightly better position than you as my kids (to my knowledge) haven't yet been exposed to him. The fact is that we cannot stop them from doing this. The question relates to how you respond. Some people advise to very openly discuss the situation with the kids to help "protect" them. Others would never discuss this kind of "adult business" with a child. Last time this came up around here, it was hotly debated. My children are young (10 and 6) and I chose not to involve them. They don't even know about the affair. I took a lot of flak here for not being fully honest with them but also had a lot of support. I don't really know the answer. When you find out, please let me know.
karnak Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 You seem like a nice guy. The more I hear stories like yours, the more I'm convinced women like your wife marry decent guys because they unconsciously know they can do what they want and don't expect consequences. If you were the kind of guy who would smash her teeth in, she surely wouldn't act like she did. 1
standtall Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Darkside..sorry to hear your situation. Your kid's ages and length of marriage are very similar to mine. At this point, it doesn't sound like much you can do about her leaving the kids un-attended..it is perfectly legal and not considered neglect..even though I wouldn't be leaving my 16 and 14 yr olds home alone all the time...they get into a different kind of trouble as you must know. You are a bigger man than me by accepting the other guys presence just to ensue they are supervised...way to take one for the kids. Can you get the 12 yr old to watch the other 2 and get a live play by play about what the other 2 are doing...as in spying on them? Most 12 yr olds are not quite corrupted by the teenage life yet, and with texting/skyping and such, then they should be able to keep tabs on them for you...I know my 13 yr old would rat out the other 2 in a second. As far as the other guy goes...I know this is harsh, but there is absolutely nothing that you can do about him, so you might as well accept it and take control of the things that you can..like your relationship with your children..be the taxi, the guy who goes to the parent teacher conferences, the guy who helps them finish that paper, the one who helps them prep for the ACT/SAT..etc. Always be available and involved in their lives, and no matter how much she deserves it, don't bad mouth the ex...it is their mother after all.
Steadfast Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The more I hear stories like yours, the more I'm convinced women like your wife marry decent guys because they unconsciously know they can do what they want and don't expect consequences. There is probably more truth to this than most of us are willing to admit. How many men have heard the 'he's a real man' speech? That's evil hypocrisy. Believe it or not, the less fuss you make about the OM, the better. If your kids, ex and even he sees you're not fazed, it gives you an overwhelming advantage in confidence. When you do speak, you'll be heard. You're doing it right. Sorry it happened but you are handling it correctly. Just remember who you are dealing with. Like you, the kids had no say.
road Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 You need to get your own paternity tests done. WW lie. You don't know if WW lied about the results the first time or the second time. Why did WW have to test OM and you? Testing one of you would be all that is needed to confirm who the dad is. If WW tested OM and he was not the dad then it would have to be you. Process of elimination. Unless WW slept with more then one OM. You need to DNA test all the children.
standtall Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) Your children are STILL minors and you should speak with a family law attorney. You'd be amazed at what court-ordered child psych evaluations can do when it comes to your children's welfare. While the children may not be in imminent physical danger, that's not to say they are not being emotionally harmed by their middle-aged mommy in heat. Not only can the courts force your wife to parent appropriately and prioritize your children (if she wants to continue to enjoy being the custodial parent), but you can also keep this guy away from your kids (paternity or not). It's this little thing called "the best interests of the children." An attorney can tell you how to go about setting her straight LEGALLY. Again, you'd be amazed what a judge and a good attorney can do. Speak to an attorney immediately. Your children's welfare MUST come first. Wishful thinking...even though child custody laws vary wildly from state to state, trying to prove one is an unfit parent because the ex is dating is a very uphill battle...because that is exactly how her attorney is going to paint the picture. Trying to get custody from a parent with children that age is going to be very, very hard since they court considers the children's opinion at that age...what is the OP going to do, get the children to testify against their mom in court because she leaves them home? Good luck getting the 14 and 16 yr old to talk to a psych when they think everything is fine by them. By the time the costly attorney battle is over, with the ages that these children are at now, they will be grown. It's not like their 4, 6 and 8... Darkside, IMHO save your time, and your money spent on attorney fees and spend it on sports or other after school activities with your children and deal with this yourself. Put aside your personal anger and try to get on the ex-wife's nice side and get unfettered access to your children during the school week..the time when they are un-attended, and don't bother trying to control her dating scene. Edited October 26, 2012 by standtall
standtall Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Why don't you take your head out of the sand and use your imagination and see all the "bad" places it can take you when you think about that scenario in the long term. Why don't you take your head out of the sand and read my first post..I did mention it in that post that you didn't read, since I have kids that age. I know exactly what kind of trouble they can get into. I actually made a suggestion about how to deal with it. If you bothered to read past your bitterness and actually read my post, there was much more to my argument other than their age, but that was a factor. I have been involved in 2 different sets of lengthy, costly, child custody battles..one in Florida and one in Michigan, and even though the laws vary, the net result were the same when it came to one party trying to make the other party look like an unfit parent....it made not one iota of difference, except for the attorneys getting richer and 3 years went by. Short of the ex-wife getting into some kind of legal troubles that he can use in court, the courts don't care because they view it as "he said..she said". It has nothing to do with fair..it has nothing to do with right..it has nothing to do with who cheated on who...it has nothing to do with what one person thinks about the other's parenting skills..it has everything to do with what you can prove in court and what the children want at that age..period. My suggestions to the OP to save his money and time and deal with it himself would seem to me to be in the best interests of his children at this time, rather than drag them into court and a damn psychologist just because mom goes out on a date or two during the week. Read Dave's thread and watch the youtube video on parental alienation to see how ugly it can get....I don't think it is fair either, but sometimes you have got to play the hand your dealt.
karnak Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The OP sounds like a conflict avoider and will probably do as you suggest - coddle his wife and allow her to get away with her despicable behavior. Nice guy. That's what he is. From now on, being a decent, supportive guy will be a certain pass to being a cuckold.
KathyM Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Is it possible to negotiate with your wife that the kids come to stay at your place on those nights? Therefore, you would be there to supervise them, and she would have her freedom to do what she wants. I would think she would go for that if she cares at all about their well being. Maybe bring that up to her without animosity, if at all possible, that you would prefer they spend those nights with you so they will be supervised, and then she can be free to do what she wants on those nights.
turnera Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Move back in to your house to be with your kids. No matter what your wife says. It's your house, too. If she's unhappy, she can sleep on the couch. Meet a lawyer and go for full custody on child endangerment/predator charges. Keep a VAR on you at ALL times and record every conversation. 1
jnj express Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 IMHO---you should file an Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress Civil Suit---against your wife's lover This whole situation of your kids being left alone, and the paternity situation of the 3rd child, and of him being allowed into your home-----meet all the elements of the above tort---and are causing you great emotional harm. Have your atty/you file, 3 seperate actions, a suit by you, and a suit by each of your older kids---this man has destroyed your family, and even tho your wife is really where YOUR beef lies----this guy can be held accountable for the damage, to your life, and the future damage to your kids lives-----simple test---BUT FOR, him being in the picture, none of this would have happened. 1
turnera Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 And the more hassle you give him the faster he will run.
standtall Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 - coddle his wife and allow her to get away with her despicable behavior. That says it all. The voice of the bitter betrayed ones.....how dare they get away with it......get even.....i will force you to parent the way i want you too...you will do as I say....yada yada yada. As far as all the legal crap...that's just what it is darkside..crap. All of those angles are legal losers...as long as she does not run afoul of the law, and obeys the court's orders when it comes to parenting time and who pays for what, they will do nothing at all...been there and seen it..first hand. All she has to do is say the 16 yr or 14 yr old is watching the 12 yr old..heck in most states it is legal to hire a 12 yr old baby sitter..so there goes the clueless arguments from tunera and alice about child neglect and what not. Your children are of the older variety, and have a tremendous ability to exercise their desires with their mother. The only valid legal argument is from jnj...but that is a loser too, and it will cost you. In the meanwhile, while the years go by, and you spend 10's of thousands of dollars, she will keep doing what she is doing ..unfettered..while she motherf**** you in front of the kids for making her spend thousands on a pointless legal battle. My advice..develop a relationship with your children that does not include her. I would assume that they all have phones, and your 16 yr old is not chained to the bed. Get that one to get in their car and pay you a visit with the younger ones..or meet you at a restaurant, or go pick them up. Sign them up for after school activities and volunteer to pay for it and be the taxi...that gives you access. By the way it sounds, your ex probably wouldn't know, let alone care.
turnera Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 To me, the best action is still to move back in the house you are LEGALLY allowed to live in.
Author Darkside01 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thank you for all of the advice, yes I may be intimidated by the situation because it is new and hard to deal with. I have talked to a lawyer and at this point it is not in the best interest of the children to be left alone the nights she galavants about. I have arranged certain nights when I will have the kids and she agreed those are the nights she will go out. As far as what she does I am over it and I have to live my life and eventually find someone I can trust to share my life with. The kids are most important and fighting is not the answer for all of us.
Author Darkside01 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Honestly I think she feels he is the only one supporting her emotionally because both our families are interfering and making her feel horrible. So she is finding what she needs and not caring about anyone but herself. I think after our discussion she realizes what she is doing is even more destructive to the kids.
jnj express Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Hey standtall------the tort suit will cause the lover a large amount of grief, and it needn't cost anymore than 3 filing fees The elements, and all info on this and any other tort, plus cases to validate, are all on the internet-----you can even print out the blank forms, and follow them, if necessary there are paralegals who will do your paperwork for not a whole lot of money If darkside goes to the law library, or studies intently on the internet---he can file the 3 actions himself, he can lay in a goodly amount for his and his kids damages----the real hammer here is that her lover---has only ONE MONTH to answer all three suits, after having been served, or he will default---so where darkside, can take his time and file his suits----the lover has to engage an atty, at probably $400 an hour, to defend 3 lawsuits, that is also gonna include paying his own 3 filing fees, and he only has 30 days to answer----darkside then can go from there, depending on the answer, from the lover, he can pursue the cases himself, and just get an atty to go to court if it even gets that far-----or he can say to her lover, get out and stay away from my family, and I will not pursue the lawsuits-------what this does is put her lover on the hotseat to make a decision---cuz somehow, I don't think her lover is gonna wanna fork over thousands of dallars just to keep this woman This is an excellent way to make all the sh*t hit the fan, for his wife, and her lover------all darkside has to lose is some time, and 3 filing fees. Also her lover doesn't just get to walk away, most of the times, lovers come in destroy, and walk away, with no accountability----this makes his wallet very accountable BIG TIME
standtall Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Hey standtall------the tort suit will cause the lover a large amount of grief, and it needn't cost anymore than 3 filing fees The elements, and all info on this and any other tort, plus cases to validate, are all on the internet-----you can even print out the blank forms, and follow them, if necessary there are paralegals who will do your paperwork for not a whole lot of money If darkside goes to the law library, or studies intently on the internet---he can file the 3 actions himself, he can lay in a goodly amount for his and his kids damages----the real hammer here is that her lover---has only ONE MONTH to answer all three suits, after having been served, or he will default---so where darkside, can take his time and file his suits----the lover has to engage an atty, at probably $400 an hour, to defend 3 lawsuits, that is also gonna include paying his own 3 filing fees, and he only has 30 days to answer----darkside then can go from there, depending on the answer, from the lover, he can pursue the cases himself, and just get an atty to go to court if it even gets that far-----or he can say to her lover, get out and stay away from my family, and I will not pursue the lawsuits-------what this does is put her lover on the hotseat to make a decision---cuz somehow, I don't think her lover is gonna wanna fork over thousands of dallars just to keep this woman This is an excellent way to make all the sh*t hit the fan, for his wife, and her lover------all darkside has to lose is some time, and 3 filing fees. Also her lover doesn't just get to walk away, most of the times, lovers come in destroy, and walk away, with no accountability----this makes his wallet very accountable BIG TIME It still doesn't make it any less of a loser case, it's just a harassing tactic, and will most likely make them want to fight to the death...figuratively. You see, a lot of posters here are missing his objective....getting further access to his kids and better supervision....what your describing is an attempt to hurt the ex and her boyfriend, and does little to further his objective. Do your really think that your tactic will work? They will most likely do the exact opposite of what he wants and start fighting, harassing him back legally and every other way imaginable, being secretive, and deny him time with his children. What he has done already is the best option for him and his children...which was his objective all along. Just because you can do something does not always mean you should. Edited October 27, 2012 by standtall
jnj express Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I will answer this one last time---this is not a loser in any way shape or form, this is a deadly serious tort civil action---it is not heard in family court, and it should if nothing else wake up the lover---that he could lose a whole lot of his savings/income, if he stays with this woman-----bringing up the bottom line question, IS SHE WORTH IT If the lover and darkside's wife harass him, that just adds to the evidence against them---remember this INTENTIONAL INFLICTION of the emotional distress-----harassment is obviously intentional,------- Once darkside files his action---the lover is gonna be doing one thing and one thing only, and that is fighting like he*l, to get himself out of the mess he has gotten himself into ----he won't be filing anything legally against darkside, he will be spending all his money, and energy defending the lawsuit darkside files-----remember this is not a suit that is heard in family court---it is a whole different ballgame----- That's it--I ain't gonna argue about this anymore---this will run the lover off, if that is what darkside wants---it will also show everyone darkside is deadly serious about this whole thing-------and it will make it very clear to the lover and his wife, what they are doing in re: his kids---are causing him great emotional problems----and one other thing---JURIES DO NOT LIKE MEN WHO GO IN, BREAK UP FAMILIES, AND STEAL WIVES
standtall Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Your kids are all old enough to know the truth--there mom is a cheater, she has been a cheater and a liar for the entire marriage, and she is not to be trusted. They need to know they can't trust their mom with anything important because if she feels it's to her advantage to screw them over (actually she already has, hasn't she?) she won't blink twice before doing it. Their mom is a predator. Unfortunate, but true. The destroyer is back..great idea...destroy the kids piece of mind and what is left of their relationship with their mother and father. Boy your really helping the OP by trying to convince him that all his kids are not his....sheesh that is helpful. A bitter, angry post that says it all about the nastiest posters on this forum...the betrayed ones. Edited October 27, 2012 by standtall
standtall Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 JURIES DO NOT LIKE MEN WHO GO IN, BREAK UP FAMILIES, AND STEAL WIVES This loser case is not going to a jury whatsoever... is a crime now to leave a marriage with a lover and be a s***** parent? It will never see the light of day...IMHO, the ex and her lover will do the exact opposite of what you think they will.
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