SeveralSeconds Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Ok here is the situation in short form. My ex gf and I have had a great relationship for 3.5 years. We were planning to get married and start life together. I went into a bad depression due to a series of events in the last two months of our relationship and started acting erratically. I could never believe her saying this, but she proposed we go on a break. I started to act out of panic and did all the moves you shouldn't do to get a ex back. She then proposed we start dating each other again and take it slow while seeing other people. She wanted me to change my bad habits before we go official. I then found out she was dating her ex bf again. That killed me. She still says that she sees me as her future husband but she must see change first before she commits. Its been really hard to keep my composure due to another guy being in the picture, but I continue to get better at keeping it together. He lives three hours away but she will go up there every two to three weeks to stay for the weekend. How do you ask someone to stick around and "change" and that you want them as your husband when your seeing another guy? I feel dangled now and it hurts. I know it was me being jealous and controlling that pushed her away, but the majority of the relationship was amazing prior to me getting depressed. Her way of going about this makes it more difficult to cope with the situation and I am now considering the NC. We both still see each other as the one but right now I feel under appreciated and played. We still chill and go on dates but I hate having good days with her to feeling like complete hell when she goes to see the other guy. Should I stick around and try to keep my composure or do I NC and maybe she'll realize what she's missing out on? If anyone is interested, here is the long version. Ok so I know this is lengthy, but please bare with me cause I desperately need the advice. Ok so my ex gf and I have been with each other for the past 3.5 years. From the get go we knew we were the right one for each other...literally from the moment we met. We have so much in common even down to ethnicity, (we're both half white half Asian). Both being half Asian was really big for us cause not only did we finally find someone that shared a similar upbringing, but we can have a family that can be totally unified on that level. Other than that though, it was bizarre how similar we were. The majority of our relationship was great. We even were suppose to move out within the next few months. Then comes Feb. We both lost our jobs, and though it was a bummer, it turned out awesome. We both collected for a bit and spent a ton of time with each other. Our relationship was at a all time high. We never fought, we just enjoyed each others company and finished up with the semester. Ok cool, but then she found a job at a really high end salon (she is a hair stylist). Which was great, and I supported her cause around the same time I started volunteering with this nonprofit. Still though I had a lot of time on my hands and when summer came around I started becoming clingy due to her not being around as often. Then things start going down hill. This past summer has been bizarrely unlucky for me. I had a really hard time finding a job, things with the nonprofit went completely sour for me, I saw my gf less, and a string of other crappy events. I went into the worst depression I've ever been in. At the height of my depression I found out that my gf was going to this music/camping event for three days with her gf's(****ty one's at that...they are the epitome of ****ty friends) and didnt invite me. The event was 3 hours away and I knew her ex bf lived up there and assumed he was going to be pal'n around with her. I was pissed, and gave her hell for it for the 2 months prior to the event cause I thought she was being shady. She assured me that she had no interest to see him and even a week before the event invited me. I stubbornly said no and continued to be pissed about the situation. When she got back we fought a lot. At the time I was over analyzing everything cause of the amount of time I had (being unemployed), the frustration with finding a job, and us arguing about her supposed shadiness. I was being an ass and apparently she said she saw her ex only in passing. I really didnt understand myself during that time. Then things got worse. A week after she got back she told me that she wanted a break. I was baffled and didnt take that well. She said that I had to be less jealous and less controlling and because of that she didnt think my love was genuine. For about two weeks I made all the wrong moves you can make on a break. I was so emotionally unstable. I would be really pissed to being really depressed with her. I tried to explain to her how much I loved her, buy her gifts etc. Bad news. She then said we should try dating each other again but also try dating other people simultaneously. WTF!! I then got into that desperate mode out of panic. It continued to push her away. Then I started assuming she was talking to someone else. At that point I was so deep in depression hole that I even went back to my other ex (the one before her) to ask for advice on the situation. She told me I messed up and I had to be ok with the situation and play it cool but most importantly, change. I mean we were still speaking regularly and chilling occasionally but it was different...she was distant. So I did, I even started talking to another girl, but I continued to peruse my ex. Later she admitted that her and her ex bf were talking/dating again and that she had drove up there to stay with him for the weekend. I played it cool, but that killed me. I asked why she went back to him and she said that he is just a super nice guy and accepts her for her and never argues and that he understands her when she's in a depression(apparently she also was). Then things got worse..I think... So im at the point were now I'm feeling dangled. She tells me she wants to work on it and cant see anyone else as her husband, but she continues to talk to her ex and drive up there every other weekend. When she sees him it eff'n kills me. I know when she goes cause usually we chill sunday/monday cause of our schedules but whenever she says "possibly" to me asking to make plans, i know shes going up there. The thing that sucks the most is that she knows it wont work with him but still continues to get comfort from him. We still hangout occasionally and have amazing days together. She is super cutesie with me and continues to talk about our future, she even sleeps over sometimes. Still though she is distant when we are not physically with each other. I've noticed my faults and I want to make this right, but its really hard to keep composure sometimes cause of this other guy. Apparently I have to change in order to get her back, but I've made great progress and really toned down my emotions and still nothing. I end up putting myself 10 steps back by bringing anything related to our situation up cause it ends up in a argument. Im thinking about doing NC and giving up, but I cant see myself without her. For some reason I still think she is the one and so does she. I'm going crazy. This whole situation has gotten the best of me. I was a great bf prior to this summer and now Im this depressed bitch. Still, since breaking up I've been making tons of new friends, I've gotten a really good job, and started getting a lot of freelance work(im a photographer). Idk what to do anymore. I miss my best friend but now I feel played. Thanks for listening. Its been really tough few months (mid July till now). Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
sissy106 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Read ur complete story, similar situation to mine except that I was not sleeping over with ex bf or someone else, and also coz I lost my chance to get back my ex completely and here I am. See buddy if u truely love her, which according to me u do...then dont let her ex walk over u, coz maybe he is smartly acting more mature to her than u did. Go out to ur GF and tell her how much u love her and dont give a damn to her relation with ex, and you wont even fight with her over her ex issue coz u know that its ur true love that will ultimately make her feel happy. Remember its very imp that u dont bring the ex issue with her, coz her ex is obviously not talking about how bad u are...he is just taking the chances to play with her again. So, just behave as if he dont exist at all between u and ur Gf. If she tells u that she see u as her future husband then she is definitely more in love with u than her ex. Dont loose this chance, u already got a job now. Go and impress her and do everything that makes her happy. All the best!
Chi townD Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Dude really? You need to find your spine! She's treating you like sh*t and you roll over and take it. She comes back from a weekend with her Ex and probably acts as if nothing is wrong in the world. Does she feel guilt? Does she feel remorse about staying a weekend with another man while the man she knows will one day "be her husband" sits at home? Probably not. Here's the hardest thing you will ever read, but if you leave your heart out of it, I think you'll agree with it. Here it is. SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! At least, in the way that a person needs to be loved in a relationship. You can't love someone you don't respect! And it's obvious that she doesn't respect you. She won't be exclusive with you until SHE see's some changes in you?!?! Really? So, until then, she gets to go up to her Ex every other weekend and screws his brains out, and comes home to you who is trying to show her the emotional support and the bending over backwards for her and doing nice things for her.....it's like she has a stud up north and a trained monkey at home. Dude, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this b*tch. You shouldn't have to change for anyone but yourself. No one should force you to be something or someone that you are not! That's not fair to you. And if she ever invisioned you as her future husband, then you work out the issues together as most married couples do! Most wives don't f*ck Ex boyfriends until their husbands come out of their depressions. There are women out there that WANT to take that vow when they say "through the good times and the bad." Because, even though things are bad, they still stand by their man BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD WHERE THEY WOULD RATHER BE THAN BY THEIR MAN EVEN THOUGH TIMES ARE TOUGH! Because, they love them UNCONDITIONALLY!!!!! You're girlfriend doesn't love you unconditionally, she's set so many conditions on you it isn't funny. So, if she plans on going up there to see her Ex this weekend, I would tell her that if she goes up there, don't bother coming back into my life. Because you've made it clear that you're willing to travel hundreds of miles and hours on end just to see him, I know where your heart lies and it isn't with me." And do know what's going to happen? She's gonna get pissed, "How dare you put an ultimatum on her!" (and yet, it's okay for her to do it with you) and she's going to go up there just to spite you. But, she won't worry. She'll come back and think that all she has to do is tell you it was your fault that she went and maybe give you some pity sex. You know, a little pat on the head and a belly rub. (You're her trained monkey after all!) and things should be fine....You need to blow that out of the water! If she leaves, you need to go COMPLETELY DARK!!! Hard NC. While she's gone! Block her on Facebook, delete all pictures, don't follow on twitter, change your phone numbers and change your e-mail address. Then, start to heal and move on. Trust me, there's a girl out there who's going to love you for who you are.
Author SeveralSeconds Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thanks for the advice guys. Its weird cause I have two friends who I can open up to about this, one being a girl and one a guy, and both say the same things you guys are (Sissy with the girls response and Chi with the guys). Im starting to lean towards Chi though. I know it will be hard but its not fair to me. Its a bummer though cause my ex was an amazing gf prior to my depression...I feel like I messed up bad. Idk though, she keeps saying that she is single now and I cant be that controlling person and that I should appreciate the time I get with her. Am I acting out of line by considering NC? Should I respect her space and oblige by her status? She says if things go well without any arguing she will want to be exclusive again, but how long does that take? Even when things have gone well and I ask if we can be exclusive she'll say "there is still things we must work on." I hate having to deal with those weekends shes up there too. It drives me nuts. This weekend I have a feeling like shes going up there, but we are spos to chill this upcoming week. Im thinking about flaking on our plans and not seeing her for about a month or so, with little contact. She still texts me to keep in contact but I'll just be brief. Idk, there is a feeling still that she'll recognize that her actions were dumb and she'll want to come back. I've been too readily available too chill and I think thats working against me. Idk, would any of you want to take her back after this? I do love her but damn. I heard a quote and it describes how im feeling at the moment: "If you suck dick to get something, you'll get it, but you wont get your dignity back."
Chi townD Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the advice guys. Its weird cause I have two friends who I can open up to about this, one being a girl and one a guy, and both say the same things you guys are (Sissy with the girls response and Chi with the guys). Im starting to lean towards Chi though. I know it will be hard but its not fair to me. Its a bummer though cause my ex was an amazing gf prior to my depression...I feel like I messed up bad. Idk though, she keeps saying that she is single now and I cant be that controlling person and that I should appreciate the time I get with her. Am I acting out of line by considering NC? Should I respect her space and oblige by her status? She says if things go well without any arguing she will want to be exclusive again, but how long does that take? Even when things have gone well and I ask if we can be exclusive she'll say "there is still things we must work on." I hate having to deal with those weekends shes up there too. It drives me nuts. This weekend I have a feeling like shes going up there, but we are spos to chill this upcoming week. Im thinking about flaking on our plans and not seeing her for about a month or so, with little contact. She still texts me to keep in contact but I'll just be brief. Idk, there is a feeling still that she'll recognize that her actions were dumb and she'll want to come back. I've been too readily available too chill and I think thats working against me. Idk, would any of you want to take her back after this? I do love her but damn. I heard a quote and it describes how im feeling at the moment: "If you suck dick to get something, you'll get it, but you wont get your dignity back." If she texts you, ignore it. Remember that she's with the other guy and she has the gaul to text you while she's with him? That should be motivation enough not to respond. Look, she takes pride in informing you that she's single and that you can't dictate what she does or who she does it with! And that (for all intense and purposes) you should be humbled and gracious of anytime she spends with you! Why? Does she think you're pathetic and she's only hanging with you because she pities you? And you can't get mad at her if she's sleeping with her Ex because she's single (isn't that convenient for her!) You are NOT acting out of line with going NC. This isn't punishment for your Ex. It's a tool to help you get over your Ex, heal and move on. Some people do an NC letter to explain that to them. And that you no long want any contact with them anymore. She may bring up the old addage "I hope we can still be friends". You are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her to only become nothing more than "a really good friend". You cannot be friends with her while you harbor ANY romantic feelings for her.Plus, if you do an NC letter, chances are it won't affect her. The way that she's been treating you and talking to you, she values her single status more than your love for her. You seem to be beating yourself up for the way you acted during the relationship. Okay. Cool. You're a man and you can recongize when you screw up. Take what you've learned and apply it to your next relationship as to what NOT to do. But, let face it. You hit a rough patch in life. A speed bump, and did she help you through it? Talk to you about it? NOPE! She jumped ship and made you into a cuckold. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. But her cheating on you (and yes she did cheat on you) is 100% on her. Dude, you deserve so much better. She's cake eating right now. You asked her when could you go back to being exclusive and her answer was "we have a few more things to work on." What we? What exactly has she been working on? I would really love to know. I can answer the exclusive question for you though. She'll think about being exclusive when she gets bored of her Ex. OR she decides to be exclusive with her Ex or the next guy she finds. Life is great for her! She has two guys in her life. One is taking care of her physical needs and the other is taking care of her emotional needs. Why the hell would she want to be exclusive now? Dude, it's time to let her go. Sucks to hear, but there are 7 billion people on this planet and your hung up one just one that treats you like dirt. Time to move on. Heal. You deserve better Edited October 26, 2012 by Chi townD 1
sissy106 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Hey all u guys I dont want to offend any of u, but as I see it, all problems started the day both of them lost jobs and were insecure career wise. I have only read ur side of story Several Seconds, but I dont know her side of story. Why did she actually went back to her ex. Did u do something that hurted her...if yes then u need to get back, coz eerything between u ppl happened coz of ego clashes or something; but yes if u have done nothing to upset or hurt her emotions and then if she is going back to her ex then u should definitely move on... this is all I got to say from gal's point of view.
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