Author veryhappy Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 This is just an example of a weird power struggle. OP didn't want anything but sex initially, but then, as she got more and more involved, changed her mind. When the AP pulled back and stated that HE didn't want anything more serious, she gets obsessed and her interest level increases, and feels let down. That fuels her passion/anger/obsession. When that leads her nowhere, she breaks up with the AP, which fuels his interest, resulting in him making an effort. That's one of those cycles that rarely end. When she gives in again, he will pull back again and so forth. Neither of them will leave their Ms or confess. Just cake eaters, both of them. Hungry for drama and attention.* You have the wrong script, or replied to the the wrong thread.
Author veryhappy Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) CD is a cake eater, She is not divorcing her H, but she lusts after MM. For those of us that aere not cake eaters this seems bizarre. I also suspect the H of CD is probably a good H. If he was the H from hell she would be looking fort a divorce. CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating CAKE eating If I am lusting and a cake eater, why am I not interested in resuming the A? The sex was amazing indeed. So how do explain that? We can consider that my H is a good H, and I'm solely the bad guy. That hardly matters here. Edited October 27, 2012 by cutedragon
Pierre Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 If I am lusting and a cake eater, why am I not interested in resuming the A? The sex was amazing indeed. So how do explain that? We can consider that my H is a good H, and I'm solely the bad guy. That hardly matters here. CD: I have no intention or desire to put down your cause, but there are inconsistencies that perhaps you cannot see because you are in the middle of the situation. You were both cake eaters at the onset. A cake eater is someone that has no plans to leave the marriage. You then changed your mind and wanted to leave the marriage and your lover said he could not leave the marriage. Is that correct? But, now you have stated you are not leaving the marriage. So one must assume you are not married to the husband from hell and your lover is not married to the wife from hell. So what is really going on with you? It is clear you love your MM more than anything in the world and yet you stay married. I get that you ended the affair, but nothing changes. Why are you still with your H? You did not answer my question: If you had a daughter and she had to choose between a man like your Mm and a guy like your H. Which one do you recommend? I know it is a tricky question because you would not want your daughter to be married to man that has OWs. However, perhaps, this can open your mind. Sex is usually amazing in affairs, that is a given. That makes the question a bit more important. Why stay with your H? Are you really true to yourself? I will try to guess why you don't leave. Your H provides some things that MM cannot provide and MM provides great sex. It is a combination made in heaven.
firstandlast Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 CD: I have no intention or desire to put down your cause, but there are inconsistencies that perhaps you cannot see because you are in the middle of the situation. You were both cake eaters at the onset. A cake eater is someone that has no plans to leave the marriage. You then changed your mind and wanted to leave the marriage and your lover said he could not leave the marriage. Is that correct? But, now you have stated you are not leaving the marriage. So one must assume you are not married to the husband from hell and your lover is not married to the wife from hell. So what is really going on with you? It is clear you love your MM more than anything in the world and yet you stay married. I get that you ended the affair, but nothing changes. Why are you still with your H? You did not answer my question: If you had a daughter and she had to choose between a man like your Mm and a guy like your H. Which one do you recommend? I know it is a tricky question because you would not want your daughter to be married to man that has OWs. However, perhaps, this can open your mind. Sex is usually amazing in affairs, that is a given. That makes the question a bit more important. Why stay with your H? Are you really true to yourself? I will try to guess why you don't leave. Your H provides some things that MM cannot provide and MM provides great sex. It is a combination made in heaven. I think there's a difference between feeling something and actually doing it. She's not resuming the affair, just being honest about her feelings of loss around it. That doesn't make her a cake-eater. It makes her human.
taya Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Well luckily, you don't have to...but other people can if they so choose. In any case, the idea of betrayal while in an A is dicey and I find it very strange when OW have so much loyalty to MM who often will throw them under the bus at a moment's notice. To each her own though. We're talking about sleazy and selfish emails here from an arrogant MM....it's not sacred IMO. Cutedragon will win no prizes for "protecting their bond", rather, she is beginning to realize how sleazy he is and in that case, the bond doesn't seem so precious. Anyway, relationships in general are private, yet the whole point of this discussion board is to be able to talk about otherwise private things, in a safe and anonymous environment. Some people don't discuss their relationships here but are here for discussions...yet others discuss all kinds of details about their love and sex lives...from the happy OW to the ones who aren't. Is it only okay to share private details when they are good? Anyway, it's anonymous again and the whole point is to be able to share and vent and tell details you'd otherwise not tell a friend or family member perhaps who knows you personally.[/QUOT i agree with you and she also post it on here so she can get help, for people to tell her some good advice i was thinking thats what this site was about ...know one knows these people so she is not hurting no one just trying to get some help
Author veryhappy Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 If I had a daughter, I'd want her to be with MM. There are details that I am not comfortable posting here, but that would be my choice. I had decided I wanted a divorce before getting into the A. Women usually have exit As. I am not in a place where I can get a divorce. Excuses? It could be, but it's my reality. Yes, there are advantages to staying married, but there was no doubt in mind that I would have followed through with a divorce to be with MM. I'm not having the A anymore, so there's no combination made in heaven. I only have the marriage. You can blame me for not getting a divorce, but I could so easily continue the A, and I don't want that. I don't see the cake eating on my side at this point.
taya Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 If I had a daughter, I'd want her to be with MM. There are details that I am not comfortable posting here, but that would be my choice. I had decided I wanted a divorce before getting into the A. Women usually have exit As. I am not in a place where I can get a divorce. Excuses? It could be, but it's my reality. Yes, there are advantages to staying married, but there was no doubt in mind that I would have followed through with a divorce to be with MM. I'm not having the A anymore, so there's no combination made in heaven. I only have the marriage. You can blame me for not getting a divorce, but I could so easily continue the A, and I don't want that. I don't see the cake eating on my side at this point. girl we all make mistake you see your mistake and you trying to fixs them dont make any one on here make you feel low about your self beacuse its not like your not trying to be better ...you only come on here to get help and not to be criticize . some people have bigger skylinton in there closet at least you trying to fixs yours
taya Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) If I had a daughter, I'd want her to be with MM. There are details that I am not comfortable posting here, but that would be my choice. I had decided I wanted a divorce before getting into the A. Women usually have exit As. I am not in a place where I can get a divorce. Excuses? It could be, but it's my reality. Yes, there are advantages to staying married, but there was no doubt in mind that I would have followed through with a divorce to be with MM. I'm not having the A anymore, so there's no combination made in heaven. I only have the marriage. You can blame me for not getting a divorce, but I could so easily continue the A, and I don't want that. I don't see the cake eating on my side at this point. but you mean if you had a daughter you WOULDENT want her to be with a MM RIGHT ????? Edited October 27, 2012 by taya
Author veryhappy Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 No, not with a MM. Just choosing a partner from the two, if monogamy would be implied.
Pierre Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 No, not with a MM. Just choosing a partner from the two, if monogamy would be implied. A guy like MM would be unfaithful to your daughter. You have also posted many unsavory things about MM in this thread. However, you would recommend a guy like MM . I have to assume your H has more flaws than your MM. Is that correct? I am sorry to keep pushing the issue, but according to you MM is not exactly a perfect guy. This brings me to another issue. Why did you have the affair? What did your H do to you?
Heather1 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 CD, my sitch was similar to yours...I was 3/4ths out the door before I started, so didn't feel I had much to lose & xOM & I totally connected. Both m'd, I think Pierre even wrote that same paragraph 4 years ago for me. Here's my retrospect on the whole ordeal & watching real life A's & their outcomes, cake eating is not such a bad plan & isn't the worst that can happen. One friend left for OM & her h told the kids about her A & the kids haven't spoken to her for 5 years now. It's a rough road to make a R work that started as an A w/ a lot of bodies along the way, mostly kids bodies & the domino effect through xtended family & friends. So you end up w/ your A partner & have no one else that will even talk to you, including (maybe) your kids. Sometimes I think it's more selfish for the AP to leave for each other than to be a "cake eater" Ideally, don't have the A in the 1st place. Ok, it happened, so now what?? We made a pact not to get a D, which to me meant we will be an oasis for each other & be best friends & love each other in a different realm. To get from A to B & leave spouses would have been a mess, so I agreed to that & those were my thoughts on the matter. HIS thoughts (& men do think WAY different about this) was "alright, a NSA FB!!" This didn't become crystal clear til I tested him a little on it, trying to be a friend, asked a couple of small favors, etc.. I could wrap my brain & be logical about being, I guess, a cake eater. In his eyes, just that I would be ok w/ that took me down a notch, then the bar got really low. The second I knew we weren't on the same page I left. Yes I think he's sincere, doesn't mean he'll feel the same way if you jump back in. To be sure, he misses the sex & this type of R is incredibly addictive, so a lot of what guys get in touch w/ you for is the withdraw of it all. I had to think to myself when I got notes like this, or a "miss you" or "thinking about you" was it's really just a crappy, easy, email to send. People post sh*t like that on my FB page & I press "like" & forget about it. It's the same lame ass effort.
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Pierre, Based on exMM words, and we know he's honest to the point of insensivity, he hasn't bad any affairs while he was married. I used to tell him he'd become a serial cheater if we ended things, and he said the thought disturbed him. He doesn't want that, he wanted to be the good, faithful guy. Why he's running after an A now when he's theoretically happily reconciled - I can't speak in his name. I would also hope not to cheat again. There's a big category of people who say "never again" so I'm willing to understand a one time violation. I've been there, so I know how it is. I appreciate you trying to understand what is going on with my M, but I am not comfortable getting into that. My reason for posting here is trying to move beyond the A with minimum damage. Yes, my H is much more difficult to interact with than exMM. They're both not bad people, just have their shortcomings, and both of them didn't mean to hurt me. Overall, yes, I prefer exMM. Edited October 28, 2012 by cutedragon
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Heather, it's a big reason that keeps me away from resuming. I couldn't put myself through sliding from 2nd to who knows what number on his list? I value myself more. He can easily find other affairs, that's not a problem, it doesn't need to be me if he needs some fun on the side. I would rather keep the special memory of it, and from talking of being together there's no going back to an affair. I agree that one of the positive things is not having to deal with the kids, the extended family and all that mess that's likely not to end well.
Furious Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Pierre, Based on exMM words, and we know he's honest to the point of insensivity, he hasn't bad any affairs while he was married. I used to tell him he'd become a serial cheater if we ended things, and he said the thought disturbed him. He doesn't want that, he wanted to be the good, faithful guy. Why he's running after an A now when he's theoretically happily reconciled - I can't speak in his name. I would also hope not to cheat again. There's a big category of people who say "never again" so I'm willing to understand a one time violation. I've been there, so I know how it is. I appreciate you trying to understand what is going on with my M, but I am not comfortable getting into that. My reason for posting here is trying to move beyond the A with minimum damage. Yes, my H is much more difficult to interact with than exMM. They're both not bad people, just have their shortcomings, and both of them didn't mean to hurt me. Overall, yes, I prefer exMM. I almost feel sorry for your ex-MM, he seemed be a good guy and had never cheated before you pursued him. You definitely used your 5 months of research on affairs before offering him an affair on a silver platter. It's almost as if you take pleasure in thinking he will become a serial cheater now that you're out of the picture. You targeted him, pursued him, offered a no strings affair, and then shut him down when you wanted him to leave his wife for you. And when he doesn't, he goes from being your prince charming to the evil jerk who betrayed your love. in the end, all that was created was a huge mess, and layer upon layer of deceit on two unsuspecting betrayed spouses who seem to be irrelevant in this entire drama.
taya Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Pierre, Based on exMM words, and we know he's honest to the point of insensivity, he hasn't bad any affairs while he was married. I used to tell him he'd become a serial cheater if we ended things, and he said the thought disturbed him. He doesn't want that, he wanted to be the good, faithful guy. Why he's running after an A now when he's theoretically happily reconciled - I can't speak in his name. I would also hope not to cheat again. There's a big category of people who say "never again" so I'm willing to understand a one time violation. I've been there, so I know how it is. I appreciate you trying to understand what is going on with my M, but I am not comfortable getting into that. My reason for posting here is trying to move beyond the A with minimum damage. Yes, my H is much more difficult to interact with than exMM. They're both not bad people, just have their shortcomings, and both of them didn't mean to hurt me. Overall, yes, I prefer exMM. you should never want your daughter to be with any mm even if they are not bad .. too much pain and she would be better off with her own husdand
taya Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 A guy like MM would be unfaithful to your daughter. You have also posted many unsavory things about MM in this thread. However, you would recommend a guy like MM . I have to assume your H has more flaws than your MM. Is that correct? I am sorry to keep pushing the issue, but according to you MM is not exactly a perfect guy. This brings me to another issue. Why did you have the affair? What did your H do to you? i agree i was shock when i see she wrote that too thats why i ask the question over again trying to see if she made a mistake lol but i guess not
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 He'd love to heat that because he complained that I lured him in, chewed him up and spit him out. Poor him at the hands of such an irresistible woman. I have no joy in knowing he'd cheat again. The discussion I was having with him was to make him understand he'll be vulnerable to affairs if he doesn't solve the issue. I still hope there is some of the him I knew in him, and that guy was able to be caring, nice and wanted to be faithful. I also told him that there are people who keep the marriage and have multiple affairs, and he didn't want that. Do I believe he's vulnerable to become that person? Yes. I feel no evil pleasure in knowing that. I loved him. I wanted him for myself, but what he does is out of my control and reality he is looking for an A now, when he's allegedly happily reconciled in his real life. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do - I'm out of his M. Does it always need to be a twist to vilify someone posting here?
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 To put the issue at rest, I would recommend to anyone, not only my daughter to not get involved with a commited man. I was asked to choose between two people, A and B as full partners, and no A bs. I chose the person I would choose for my daughter.
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 LadyGrey, he's not offering to stay within my rules. That was a year ago, things happened and things changed. What he's offering me now is less that what I would have ever accepted. I am controlling to some extent, but I don't manipulate and I do like to have a say in where my life goes. So yes, I did research what getting into an A means. Just like researching on buying a house, getting a pet etc. I like to be prepared. I didn't research how to seduce him lol, just what to expect. I have told my H I was good to have an A, I have told him when it started. There were some fights where he said he wouldn't tell me to stop, and I should do what I consider to, followed by his ignorance to the subject. It became unspoken. And yes, I'm pondering whether to bring him up to date or not.
Furious Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 He'd love to heat that because he complained that I lured him in, chewed him up and spit him out. Poor him at the hands of such an irresistible woman. I have no joy in knowing he'd cheat again. The discussion I was having with him was to make him understand he'll be vulnerable to affairs if he doesn't solve the issue. I still hope there is some of the him I knew in him, and that guy was able to be caring, nice and wanted to be faithful. I also told him that there are people who keep the marriage and have multiple affairs, and he didn't want that. Do I believe he's vulnerable to become that person? Yes. I feel no evil pleasure in knowing that. I loved him. I wanted him for myself, but what he does is out of my control and reality he is looking for an A now, when he's allegedly happily reconciled in his real life. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do - I'm out of his M. Does it always need to be a twist to vilify someone posting here? Truth is you wanted him because he was a good guy, and before you actively pursued him you spent 5 months researching affairs, and it's obvious your research didn't pay off when he was more than fine to cheat with you but not marry you. You and ex-MM are both cowards, he won't leave his marriage and you won't leave your marriage unless you've got a white knight to whisk you away from your husband. 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) The five months was mainly waiting enough time to pass by to see if my infatuation would go away. I wish more women waited to act on their impulses and knew what they were getting into. I also asked him to take some time to think things through and weigh the consequences. I realize I'm not typical in my experience. I agree I'm a coward to stay married, buy exMM says he's clear he wants to stay married, so he didn't really want to leave, so staying is no proof of him being a coward. Edited October 28, 2012 by cutedragon
Furious Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I just never did the research, and really just sort of stumbled into what you were offering. The above is a line in MM's letter to you, that you posted in the opening of this thread. I do feel sorry for him, he didn't do the research unlike you. You strike me as a very manipulative and controlling person, the puppet master who gets what she wants, and if she doesn't get what she wants, she gets really pissed off and posts MM's letter and invites other's to insult him and portray yourself as the betrayed lover.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Just something to think about, but is it possible your husband has been having or has had an affair as well? I find it extremely odd how calm he is and how he isn't in your face, asking questions and wanting answers .. Let alone feeling hurt/betrayed/devastated. He just seems to not really care either way. With that said (the not caring either way), is it possible to reconnect and fix things with him if you both are willing to - OR would it be easier just to divorce? Food for thought on a Saturday night.
Heather1 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I've been on here for about 5 years & have pretty much posted similar posts, except I didn't want "more". I've gone back & forth several times w/ a huge resolve to NEVER go back. My weak moments would be totally unexpected, a txt when I was leaving the gym & was feeling great. I'd be strong, strong, strong until I saw him & caved. The answer for me was not seeing him ever again. I have all the control & resolve & strength to not get involved again & WHOOPS !! Naked. If you really want it over, never see him again & never alone. I'm surprised you think you started him off to a future of being a SC?? We talked about that opening a door we can't close too, both our 1st A & neither of us ever want to do this again. Is that kind of justifying your part in it? Like he was a SC just waiting to happen?? Not all guys are like that. You can stereotype to a certain extent, but there's not really a recipe for a SC. There's no recipe for an outcome either, in any R. It's not a game of chess.
taya Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Just something to think about, but is it possible your husband has been having or has had an affair as well? I find it extremely odd how calm he is and how he isn't in your face, asking questions and wanting answers .. Let alone feeling hurt/betrayed/devastated. He just seems to not really care either way. With that said (the not caring either way), is it possible to reconnect and fix things with him if you both are willing to - OR would it be easier just to divorce? Food for thought on a Saturday night. yeah thats a good question??
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