veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I can't tell if it is feelings of guilt, curiosity, or just plain missing the absolute hell out of you, but I can't stand you not being in my life. I'm completely obsessed with the mere thought of you, but I'm really trying my hardest to leave you alone because I have absolutely nothing to offer, other than what I had before, with perhaps more clarity and a lot less bs. You were right about everything I guess...I won't go into it, and it's not great or anything, but let's just say you were right...of course. I just never did the research, and really just sort of stumbled into what you were offering. Surely you know that by now, and probably knew it a long time ago. I feel like there was no closure. One minute you were there for me whenever I wanted, the next you were completely gone. The speed at which this all progressed for me was mind boggling. I think for you it was excruciatingly slow. I went through some horrible ****, which may have been nothing compared to what you constantly go through. I have no idea what you're feeling now, and I won't even presume or guess; I'm just telling you (or the ghost of you) what I'm feeling. Since I'm just completely desperate for some contact from you, I'll just be completely blunt and vulnerable and throw it out there...will you ever consider rekindling a sensible, boundary-ladden affair again? What about a sincere friendship? The love I have for you has not diminished at all. Besides the absolute lust I still constantly feel for you, I think I miss the reliable emotional contact with you just as much.
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 He's hoping to catch you at a weak moment. Stay strong! 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 He offers you nothing more than an affair and all he can talk about is......his poor self. Oooooo plsssssssss. You forgot about the offer for the sincere friendship...
couldhavebeen Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I can't recall, but he didn't have a DDay right? If not, you should send the following response: "If you attempt to make ANY contact from here on out, I will contact your wife. I hope I have made myself clear." Then you need to BLOCK him. There is no reason why he should be getting through to you unless you are getting something out of it. Time to stop the drama. I hope I can say that to my MM... I'm not as strong as you are... Don't know how either... But, yes this letter is blunt Bull****! but many of us OWs still fall for it... urgh!
Pierre Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 .will you ever consider rekindling a sensible, boundary-ladden affair again? What about a sincere friendship? As a man I could never love a woman if I knew my love was damaging to her. However, a cheating man could never see this angle because there may be an element of narcissism and narcissists cannot see the hurt they cause in others. If this guy truly loved you he would not insist. Underneath the lines of the letter one can see how he uses manipulation to get OP back. I have no doubts that this man has feelings. But, he likes OP as a supplement to the marriage. 6
ComingInHot Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 cute: I think it may be time to "out" him to his wife?.?. He is tortuing you & playing massive mind games. Even as the BS myself, I can see how cruel he is to both you & his wife. I am so sorry!!! 3
MissBee Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I can't tell if it is feelings of guilt, curiosity, or just plain missing the absolute hell out of you, but I can't stand you not being in my life. I'm completely obsessed with the mere thought of you, but I'm really trying my hardest to leave you alone because I have absolutely nothing to offer, other than what I had before, with perhaps more clarity and a lot less bs. You were right about everything I guess...I won't go into it, and it's not great or anything, but let's just say you were right...of course. I just never did the research, and really just sort of stumbled into what you were offering. Surely you know that by now, and probably knew it a long time ago. I feel like there was no closure. One minute you were there for me whenever I wanted, the next you were completely gone. The speed at which this all progressed for me was mind boggling. I think for you it was excruciatingly slow. I went through some horrible ****, which may have been nothing compared to what you constantly go through. I have no idea what you're feeling now, and I won't even presume or guess; I'm just telling you (or the ghost of you) what I'm feeling. Since I'm just completely desperate for some contact from you, I'll just be completely blunt and vulnerable and throw it out there...will you ever consider rekindling a sensible, boundary-ladden affair again? What about a sincere friendship? The love I have for you has not diminished at all. Besides the absolute lust I still constantly feel for you, I think I miss the reliable emotional contact with you just as much. LMAOOO!!! I'm in public at a bakery-cafe laughing out loud at this. LOL! This man is too much...I mean just classic. I have no other words for him. He is amusing and ridiculous. He'd be infuriating if it wasn't just absolutely nonsensical and comical. Please don't respond, but do share so we all can laugh at him. He is quite the charmer . One minute you were there for him and next minute you weren't there at his whim, how sad for him. He has some nerve to keep emailing you and does he really think he is winning any Prince Charming awards by reminding you of his erections and the immense lust he feels...just wow. I think these emails should serve as stomach-churning and help you to keep up NC and be glad you're done with him smh. They would for me. 2
JamesM Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I feel his pain. Seriously. I do believe he lost a great woman and a wonderful companion. BUT...he already has somebody who is allegedly good for him. I can sympathize in that his marriage may not be perfect, but I don't think he can keep both and proclaim his "love" (and did I actually read lust? ) for you. His goal is simply to make a connection with you. Nothing more. The letter is all about him and nothing about you. Truthfully, if he did it right, then he would tailor it to be about you. It would be harder for you to ignore. He knows that if he can get you to make a connection either via email or phone, then he has made the first step towards luring you back. Knowing this when you read his letters can give you the power to resist his enchantments. 3
Pierre Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 This is what you wrote after he sent you the first email three weeks ago: I've realized I'll need to give up completely reading his emails for my own sake, and wondered what's keeping me from doing it. What IS keeping you from doing it? You don't have to discuss, but why are you afraid to block him? It is easier said than done. And that applies to all of us. It is a process and hard to do in an instant. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 This is what you wrote after he sent you the first email three weeks ago: I've realized I'll need to give up completely reading his emails for my own sake, and wondered what's keeping me from doing it. What IS keeping you from doing it? You don't have to discuss, but why are you afraid to block him? I agree. Reading his dribble is for what purpose now? to know he still wants you and you won't react to him? The thing is, you do react when you read his emails. Sure you won't respond, but it still is affecting you. I say dump the email address and create a new one, this way you won't read his narcissistic words of manipulation. 2
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) You are all right, and James, yes he did indeed say "lust". I was thinking about the same...the moment to move on from his emails completely. It did help reading them, because they kept me in reality. Otherwise I would have probably been dreaming of him still wanting to get a divorce and the other bs he fed me. This email that he can contact has no blocking feature. I can delete, but they stay in the trash. It's a question of will and sticking to it, and yes, I need to do that for myself. Edited October 26, 2012 by cutedragon 2
Owl Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Have you considered deleting/abandoning this email account and starting a new one?
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Have you considered deleting/abandoning this email account and starting a new one? I have, but it's one of those full name addresses and I'm attached to it. I don't want to give him that much power to have to delete the account. If I can stop checking for 3 months or so, I suspect I'll get indifferent enough. I just need to take the mental step. 1
Pierre Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I have done it twice almost two decades apart with the same man - and both times it was done swiftly and instantly once I finally realized things were STILL the same the second time around. No need to turn it into a "process" unless I wanted to torture myself . . . or attempt to punish him and "make him" miss me, both of which I had no intention of doing. Instant absolute no contact is sometimes hard to do for many folks. Many years ago when I discovered that my wife was having a long distance Internet affair she refused to change her email. There were no emails written among them, but I discovered something rather odd. During those days (way back when AOL was king) it was possible to know if someone was online or not after logging in. My ex wife and ex single OM did not write each other emails, but were aware when each one of them was online. So the psychologist asked her to get a new email. After some discussion with the psych she finally agreed to change her email. A week later her ex OM flew from overseas and started to stalk my house. Not been able to see if my wife was online or not drove him over the edge. After many "drive bys" and after leaving unsolicited messages on the mail box I had to call the police. The point of the story is that contact can be subtle, but has its effects.
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot. I was barely able to fall asleep after 5am last night, so I need to get him out of my life completely. In my case, I wasn't able to go NC instantly. I was done writing him, but I felt I needed to know where he was. It kept me in check from being naive. I have a question about stalking. ExMM stalked a gf who dumped him when he was early 20s. He said it was just from his car outside his home a few times, because he was suspecting some illegal activities going on. He has joked a few times while I was ending things about my schedule changing, saying "how will I be able to stalk you?". I took it as a joke, because he was young and now he's not anymore, but...do I need to worry here that I'll see him one day out of the blue? What's the best reaction? My instinct would be to keep going and make no eye/verbal contact.
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 What is a boundary-ladden affair? It's him getting what he wants and me accepting it won't lead anywhere. There's history with boundaries with him. I insisted on boundaries, I insisted I didn't want it to lead to a R, and I wanted just an A. My guess now is that his self esteem couldn't take it, and he had to go blow through all my efforts to keep it within some confines, and fill my head and hopes with all the "I want to be with you" story. So he's offering now what I wanted a year ago. He'll find out that timing is everything. He can't stay within boundaries anyway, but he probably thought that would be something appealing to me. Plus he wants to make sure I don't mess with his marital happiness.
Furious Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 It's him getting what he wants and me accepting it won't lead anywhere. There's history with boundaries with him. I insisted on boundaries, I insisted I didn't want it to lead to a R, and I wanted just an A. My guess now is that his self esteem couldn't take it, and he had to go blow through all my efforts to keep it within some confines, and fill my head and hopes with all the "I want to be with you" story. So he's offering now what I wanted a year ago. He'll find out that timing is everything. He can't stay within boundaries anyway, but he probably thought that would be something appealing to me. Plus he wants to make sure I don't mess with his marital happiness. From what I recall from your story, is you decided you wanted to have an affair, and researched affairs for over 5 months before you actively pursued him. Everything went according to your plans until you realized you wanted more than just an affair and then decided he had to choose you or his wife. You seem angry that he didn't leave his wife, but you have not left your husband. I find it disturbing that you show contempt about his "marital happiness", while you remain with a husband you clearly do not love. Neither you or your ex-MM have experienced a D-day, both of you are still lying to your spouses, and it seems that all this drama is just game playing between the two of you. 2
woinlove Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I find it sad that you, CD, are posting his letter on LS to be ridiculed by posters. If you want to get rid of him for good, all you need to do is probably to send him the link to this thread. I really don't think CD is posting his letter here so that he can be ridiculed. I think she is trying to move on from the A and is taking what she can from the letter and others' reactions to the letter, to help her in moving on. It is difficult for most people to move on from an A, and CD says the feedback is helping her. It is almost never a matter of simply getting rid of xMM for good. It is almost always a matter of getting to a point where one is ready to move on so that it doesn't matter at all what xMM says or doesn't say. Good luck, CD, on healing and moving on. I certainly think you should take this letter as an extra boost in helping you move on. 4
Quiet Storm Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) My translation... I can't tell if it is feelings of guilt, curiosity, or just plain missing the absolute hell out of you, but I can't stand you not being in my life. Now I actually have to face my problems. NOOOOO!!!! I'm completely obsessed with the mere thought of you, but I'm really trying my hardest to leave you alone because I have absolutely nothing to offer, other than what I had before, with perhaps more clarity and a lot less bs. I am so mad that you won't come back and I can't control you. I am not leaving, and since you have already figured that out, I won't "future fake" anymore. You were right about everything I guess...I won't go into it, and it's not great or anything, but let's just say you were right...of course. I just never did the research, and really just sort of stumbled into what you were offering. Surely you know that by now, and probably knew it a long time ago. Let me admit that you are smarter than me, so you feel good, even though I actually never did any research because I never planned on leaving. (I'm assuming his "research" has something to do with divorce or separation) I feel like there was no closure. One minute you were there for me whenever I wanted, the next you were completely gone. Don't leave me!!!! Please go back to being the puppet that I want you to be. Don't you know your role, girl?! What is wrong with you??! The speed at which this all progressed for me was mind boggling. I think for you it was excruciatingly slow. I went through some horrible ****, which may have been nothing compared to what you constantly go through. I have no idea what you're feeling now, and I won't even presume or guess; I'm just telling you (or the ghost of you) what I'm feeling. You didn't give me time to charm you! You just cut me off! The nerve! I don't care how you feel, and won't waste my thoughts worrying about it. I just care about ME, ME, ME! Since I'm just completely desperate for some contact from you, I'll just be completely blunt and vulnerable and throw it out there...will you ever consider rekindling a sensible, boundary-ladden affair again? What about a sincere friendship? I'm tired of sending you these letters with no feedback from you. I need to know if I should keep trying to get you back, or put my efforts into grooming an new OW. If there is no chance, I'm wasting time on you. Time that could be spent finding a new target. If you won't have sex with me, we can be friends because I know I am charming and will catch you at a weak moment. You won't be able to resist me! The love I have for you has not diminished at all. Besides the absolute lust I still constantly feel for you, I think I miss the reliable emotional contact with you just as much. Even though you're being such a meanie, I still love how you made me feel. You didn't only stroke my penis, you stroked my ego, as well. You admired me and thought I was great. My wife knows I'm full of BS and doesn't listen to my problems anymore. She just rolls her eyes and walks away. But YOU, you were my cheerleader! You are doing good, OP. You will be so much better off without him in your life. Edited October 26, 2012 by Quiet Storm 4
woinlove Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 CD, I also advocate for honesty in your own life. Be honest and the route may be rough, but I think it ultimately brings more happiness into your life. Continuing deception often leads to more future poor choices, limited emotional connection, and also is not treating others with respect. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I have, but it's one of those full name addresses and I'm attached to it. I don't want to give him that much power to have to delete the account. If I can stop checking for 3 months or so, I suspect I'll get indifferent enough. I just need to take the mental step. How is that giving him power? It's you taking back full control of your life. You are taking back the power by eliminating him from your life. Who cares what he thinks once you do this. It really shouldn't matter! If he believes he has power over you because you changed your email address, so be it. It all depends on the end result and that would be not hearing from him again. Unless you still want to... ? Not wanting to change your email address because you're attached to the name isn't a good enough excuse to keep it. Sorry to be blunt. 2
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 If you want to get rid of him for good, all you need to do is probably to send him the link to this thread. And that might set off the exMM, enough that he'll send the link directly to her husband, causing a d-day. Then again, maybe a d day is what should happen to end this once and for all. Both BS's are in the dark and both WS are playing (or were playing) with fire.
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 No, it wasn't fwb. It was full blown emotional, and I was clear that I needed that from the beginning. I just didn't want to get where we got, with all the drama and the failed plans of being together. Yes, I was looking to eat cake, and I tried to use the affair as a way to be able to solve my other problems. It worked to some extent, and then it backfired. I do understand the people blaming me for staying married. All I can say is that I'm in a bad place, and divorce for me is not possible right now on my own. One of the reasons for not wanting a R out of the A was to avoid some rescue fantsy, and then realize that he wasn't really what I wanted or what I thought. I do want to move on, I want him out of mind completely. Now that he's written me this email, I have movies going on in my mind about him and his wife having sex and it's driving me crazy. I want it all gone. It's a process, as much as I'd like to push a button and erase his existence, I can't. We had a really strong bond, and yes to him it started from the fact that I'm physically exactly what works for him, and I used to be so nice to him (well, I'm fairly nice in general). He used to say "you are so good to me". I think he knew he wasn't deserving. It's hard to break that bond, just like he couldn't sever the bond with his wife. A bond is a bond. 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 And that might set off the exMM, enough that he'll send the link directly to her husband, causing a d-day. Then again, maybe a d day is what should happen to end this once and for all. Both BS's are in the dark and both WS are playing (or were playing) with fire. My husband is not in the dark, but he wants to ignore and forget, so I don't want to cause him more pain. I have opened the subject recently and he just ignored me. I have all reasons to believe he doesn't want to discuss about this. I did feel like I needed my H, I felt like asking him to contact exMM and tell him to f off, and that should do it. I do believe that they're only fake reconciling without his W knowing the truth, but honestly, if I let her know it would be 70% revenge. I'd rather not. They can play it out to their liking. He can decide to be faithful or not, it won't help me move on staying entangled in their business.
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