Burt1976 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 What's wrong with me? Why is this eating away at me from the inside? And can I get over it? I'm 35, she's 25. Me and her don't have it very easy, nothing is really stable: we live pretty far apart from each other, we're both pretty difficult to access socially, I have a crappy work schedule which makes it even harder for us to be together as much as we would want to. I was married 10 years, she had no family guidance and learned everything pretty much the hard way. She's always been a very precocious girl and has had her first sexual experiences at 10-11 and started using drugs about the same time. By the time I had met her, she was coming out of a 10 year on/off relationship with some guy who abused of her and treated her like shlt. Two kids resulted from that relationship and when I arrived in the portrait, he had left her all alone with two very young kids. The horror stories are endless from that relationship, physical abuse while pregnant, mental manipulation, daily insults/bullying. Needless to say she was in quite a rut when I suddenly showed up. We met off the internet and things have been intense between us from the get go. The attraction is EXTREMELY strong. Things were literally exploding left and right and according to her this was the first time she REALLY felt in love with anyone. She seemed like an angel when I first met her, even though I knew she had a pretty rough past, but the details were pretty nebulous. She kept referring to her past-self as a "bitch" and that she's not proud of how she used to be, but I couldn't fully understand what she meant by that, but slowly, the details started revealing themselves and got way more intense then I could possibly have imagined. Every time her ex (the father of her kids) would leave her, she'd pretty much go out on a sex rampage. She'd party every second night, tease and/or screw the muscular douchebags from that scene and while talking about our past experiences, found out about this particularly juicy anecdote which I can't get out of my head: When she was 17 years old, she attended a party with some guy who was really interested in her (she is quite attractive and is relentlessly solicited by other men - even while we're together). He wanted to get his paws on her and she led him on as she used to do with many guys. He'd bring her in a room where they would smoke and drink, he'd get her to make out with him, but she wouldn't give in to anything more than that. And just as he was about to go any further, she leaves the room and joins the party once again. This led her and a few other friends to another room where everyone would just smoke up and drink on the floor. There she sat between and guy and a girl who were smoking. The guy was the first guy's best friend. He offers her a shot of the joint and they start making out. Everyone's pretty drunk/stoned and the make out session turns into an unprotected threesome in front of the rest of the room for the next 45 minutes. Right there! Anal sex and my now gf eating out the other girl while she's getting banged from behind while the room is enjoying the show. While this was happening, the other guy who was interested in her searched everywhere for her during the party only to discover her on all fours with her face deep between the stranger girl's legs while his own friend is banging away at her. And can actually visualize everything this guy might have seen and felt when he saw here and it's turns my blood into ice every time. You can imagine what kind of films are being played in my head. I just can't get it out of there. It's playing on a loop. I can't piece it together. The girl she is telling me about is NO WAY CLOSE to the girl she seems to be today. Although she is sexually adventurous, her babies have left permanent bodily scars on her which I KNOW play a huge role in how shy she is now and I'm getting the feeling it's the only thing preventing her from being her old self. I listen to these stories (this is just one out of MANY!!!) and I look at how plain my sexual life has been before her and it KILLS me... I feel like I need to go out and "get even" if not surpass her. it's totally childish and stupid but the feeling is so goddamned strong. All I get is the impression she's with me because I'm a "good guy" and don't take her for a piece of meat, but at the same time, I get the feeling that I don't WANT to be this nice guy. I want to be the same guy who could have gotten her back then just as much as now. The age difference just makes things worse! I feel like I haven't experienced ANYTHING remotely close to what she's experienced and it's making me feel like a nobody in comparison. I really don,t want this to become an issue between us, I'm hoping time will heal this, but for now it's just driving me insane...
sweetkiwi Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 oh honey! Give the girl and yourself a break! Pasts are past. Over. Done with. You can't control hers and she can't control yours. One of the reasons she's with you today is because she's matured. So its great that you're a good guy! Don't wish to be a douchebag she would've had meaningless sex with when she was on a sex rampage. Thats silly. You need to get some confidence here! She likes you! Stop!! If anything help her get her confidence up and her groove back and express her sexual side with you! If these stories bother you so much why don't you say you don't want to hear them?? That is an option you know. Talk to her. About how you feel. Not about her. Or her past behavior. Just about how you feel. Own it. The secret to happiness is not asking questions you don't want to know the answers to. 3
Jamesblame Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Past is irrelevant. Everytime you get jealous just think back to any romantic partner you had before her. It's ok to be uncomfortable with it and maybe just let her know that you don't like hearing it. But judging her/feeling too uncomfortable isn't good or healthy for you or her.
Author Burt1976 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thanks everyone. I have this sort of masochistic tendency to try and dish out all the nastiest dirt to make myself feel bad. I know it hurts me to now, but the questions keep popping out. She's ashamed of her past and hates it when I do this, and I try not to, but if the subject gets close to this, then I can't help it. The questions just keep coming out and we came close to breaking up because of this and other issues. I just really hope these "films" will subside with time... because right now they hurt like hell...
CptSaveAho Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 oh honey! Give the girl and yourself a break! Pasts are past. Over. Done with. You can't control hers and she can't control yours. One of the reasons she's with you today is because she's matured. So its great that you're a good guy! Don't wish to be a douchebag she would've had meaningless sex with when she was on a sex rampage. Thats silly. You need to get some confidence here! She likes you! Stop!! If anything help her get her confidence up and her groove back and express her sexual side with you! If these stories bother you so much why don't you say you don't want to hear them?? That is an option you know. Talk to her. About how you feel. Not about her. Or her past behavior. Just about how you feel. Own it. WOW REALLY? he doesnt want a person thats screwed up this bad, lets just ignore it and pretend like a beaten down used up cow is a precious unicorn The secret to happiness is not asking questions you don't want to know the answers to. Terrible advice LOL... Women! "you avoid something long enough, it has a tendency to blindside you" OP this crap bothers you, Dont settle! You are actually being honest now and trying to figure it out. Keep doing what you are doing and asking the right questions. 4
Exit Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) Find myself agreeing with the last reply more than the other ones. This girl had a terrible past. I'm not advocating holding it against her just because she had many partners or a rough upbringing, that's not her fault. But being in a relationship with her, you're pretty much faced with the consequences of it all, and this it almost starts to become your fault, or your problem to deal with. She shouldn't have to suffer because of her past, but you certainly shouldn't either. Has she sought any counseling or help after all that she has been through? I don't see how she could just turn a new leaf on her own and say that old her who she calls a "bitch" is dead now. That sounds like a copout. The old her is still her. Yes people change, but she can't pass off those behaviors as if it were a separate entity that was not in her control. The person who did those things is the same person you are currently in a relationship with. Seems people with tragic pasts are great at having the type of relationships as you describe "as soon as we met it was intense, incredible things happening left and right and she claimed this was the first time she was in love". Falling for that stuff is dangerous. She may be overly eager to believe that she loves someone, or that they love her, so she can escape from internalizing all the ways she was abused as being "her fault". As soon as she has that rush of claiming to be in love with someone, it soothes her pain. Plus the age difference, I'm not one to really care about age gaps, but with all the other pieces to this puzzle and now she is with someone ten years older, not good. What was your upbringing like? Theoretical question, just ask yourself. Does it at all line up with hers? If not, then find better for yourself. I think your story shows all the signs of the classic "wanting to rescue someone" scenario. I once dated someone who had a screwed up past, one parent died early in her life from drugs, the other parent kept doing drugs and living on the street, she lived in a million different places growing up, had other abusive family members, etc. I thought "oh wow you're so strong to have gotten through that and not turn to drugs like everyone in your family has". Which was true to a point. But she still beared all the scars from what happened. She was definitely the most nutzo person I ever tried to be with. And my point is, my life was nothing like that, my parents stuck around, didn't do drugs, I never had to sleep on couches nor did I drop out of school. So really I should have had higher standards and looked for someone who wasn't such a mess. Last I knew of her, after we split up for the second time and she physically harmed me, she was on Facebook already "engaged" to another guy. That could be the position you're in, and why things felt so amazing at first. These types seem to love rushing relationships and claiming they are over the moon in love. Same act I got from her in the beginning, which then after the breakup turned into emails that said "it takes me a long time to love someone, sorry". After all though I am just judging her from your perspective, through a computer screen, so the facts get very diluted by the time they make it to me. She might be an angel, she might be totally cured and different. But it doesn't matter what I think. Some voice inside you is telling you that you aren't comfortable with who she was, even if it was in her past. Always listen to your instinct. Something is wrong here and it is worth exploring. I remember early in the relationship with my crazy ex, I told a few family members I was starting to think I should just be friends with her because there was just something strange about her. I chose to overlook it, carry out a 1.5 year relationship, and end up totally destroyed in the end. I wish I had listened to what my instinct was telling me. Edited October 26, 2012 by Exit 1
Author Burt1976 Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 Wow! Those are two VERY different views and both of them make sense. I realize I'm in a tough position. It's been nearly a year since we've been together and to be honest, I've always been the distant once while she was always trying to make things work (in her own way). We just came very close to a break up because of how distant I became (mind you at this point, I didn't know much about her past - this was all revealed while trying to discuss our problems). Part of me felt I couldn't possibly make it over all the baggage that came with her: kids, distance, ****ed up past, depression (on both sides). I've always been that shy kid in the back and experienced two years of heavy bullying which left me with zero self-esteem for a VERY long time. At 19, an age at which she was already heavily experimenting with sex, I still had trouble admitting what age I had to people I didn't know. So basically very insecure until I changed school and started meting new people. While her parents were in now way doing their job, mine were over doing it as well and so perhaps you can understand why I'm always comparing my past with her and others. This isn't the first time I have a gf with a very active sexual past, it's not that difficult to beat (although I did make up for it somehow in my late 20s and with those past gfs), but still, after all we've been through, this little detail, and I fear to even THINK of the other things she might have done before really gets to me, but it's just that, experimenting. I'm always trying to take a step back and see what that whole thing of hers might be on a wider scale. Why I believe she's changed: when she got her two kids, she put on A LOT of weight and was left physically scarred by the births. She was not her old sassy sexy self anymore. After this, her ex, left her alone with the two kids when she was only 23 and this was a wall of reality which she hit at full throttle. She fell into a deep depression and just basically built a shield around herself and her kids. She had nothing and realized what a waste her past had actually been (her own words). By the time we had met, she had lost the excess weight and started looking like herself again and I really felt something intense on her part and even though she was afraid, after a while, she let me in to her life and I swear I had never felt so attracted to a woman ever before (none of my ex-gf/wife had such an impact on me as she has). I could FEEL that she was in love with me and not in just a flirty way like she used to. Needles to say she's a demon in the sac and loves sex and I'm reaping all of it. But of course, as intense as the beginnings were, with time you start learning who you are with. Regardless of everything I just wrote, she IS 100% loyal. How do I know, she never cheated once on her douchebag ex-bf unless he did it himself or dumped her once again. If she's a in relationship, she cherishes it and is willing to work on it as hard as possible (something I personally didnt do this first time around, took her for granted while I wondered if I was in the right place). She started dating her ex (apparently as a cry for attention from her parents) who was 21 while she was 14... This is illegal here, but her parents never said anything and she pushed the envelope to the point where they moved in with each other while she was 14. She then dropped out of school while he would work, but he was an abuser and having jailbait like that at home. He knew he could manipulate that girl into almost whatever he wanted. She would always be with older men and friends, so for this the age difference doesn't really bother me. She needs an older person as she can't stand others her age (well not seriously actually). She has a head on her shoulders and realizes that she isn't an easy bite to swallow, but I know she doesn't want to lose me. When I found out about her past trips, I was about to lose her myself and this set off a bunch of alarms in my head. Even though we hadn't had it easy, every time we are together, we feel close to each other. Since we can only see each other about 1-2 days a week, most of the time we chat online or talk on the phone, but these are great ways of misunderstanding each other and in a way, I believe this is what caused the first downfall. This is the only woman with whom I've ever contemplated having a child. I don,t want a second dowanfall. There are plans in the future for her to have plastic surgery to repair her birth scars and breast augmentation. I just hope this doesn't make her go back to her old ways... unless they are with me... I guess only time will tell if this was a mistake or not. I do love her though, I just wish I could get passed all those stupid films blaring in my head.
CptSaveAho Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Looks like you are living up to my name.... People that do this have 0 form of self respect or self love.... Women in her situations call guys like you "Suckers" trying to turn a whore into a house wife. Women control with sex and shes doing a damn good job of it You even know deep down once you fix her up shes going to go running off into the sunset with losers and douche bags. No amount of crossing your fingers, praying to whatever deity you believe in, is going to change the outcome of this Edited October 28, 2012 by CptSaveAho 2
Heatemyheart89 Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 To be honest I don't know why she felt the need to go into all the gory details with you. Hmmm. When I met an ex of mine I had slept with one person and he had slept with 35 ( or something like that). He was always pulling girls and having one night stands etc. It creeped me out and it still does. But since he has changed and when I brought it up he kept crying. Basically it does get easier but for me it never went away fully. I still feel a bit sick thinking about it. I don't think you need to try and get even. Everyone is different and people can change, although I would never get over it if it was me. I hope you feel better soon.
Author Burt1976 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 Sorry for getting back so late. Things are getting really intense between me and her atm. Since I found out about her past my insecurities have been released and is putting me in a deep depression and Im risking everything because I have trouble getting over her past. If I know all the gory details, its because I asked for them. She HATES her past and is ashamed of the way she was when younger. And I know that she really does hate her old self. It was a cry for attention from some unresponsable parents. And me freaking out over it is hurting her as well because she does love me and I can feel it. However, always coming back to those old stories has pushed me back into my depressive bubble and my old sexual disfunctions have started manifesting themselves. Sex was amazing before I learned of her past, but now its either over in seconds or I cant even get it up at all. Nothing in between. I feel like Ive gone crazy and i hate myself for making such a big deal over something i csnt change. Its ridiculous! I've always been a shy and reclusive person all my life and have some severe self-image/esteem issues which I had managed to sort of mask and repress and to have them cone back like that is scary as hell. I see my relationship with her as my last chance to finally tackle my personal demons, but in the process I risk destroying both me snd the wonan I love. I do love her very much. She promised to stand behind me while I go theough this but I know its hurting her a lot to have those old memories come back to life through me. Im going to seek professional help. But I need advice on how NOT to make a big deal of her past znd to torture myself over it. Its just sick.
YorickBrown Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Thanks everyone. I have this sort of masochistic tendency to try and dish out all the nastiest dirt to make myself feel bad. I know it hurts me to now, but the questions keep popping out. She's ashamed of her past and hates it when I do this, and I try not to, but if the subject gets close to this, then I can't help it. The questions just keep coming out and we came close to breaking up because of this and other issues. I just really hope these "films" will subside with time... because right now they hurt like hell... Ahhhh, Burt...Burt...Burt...I'm sorry, but the way you porno- "graphically" portray in detail your current gf's sexploits, I can't help wondering if you're actually watching a porno film or filming one Look, you obviously need some "professional" help with this one, and I'm not saying gang-bang porn stars ok? (although, throwing some in there would probably help..kidding!) but seriously, dude...you need a certified sex therapist / psychiatrist for your "problem" and her too....Now that being said...I hafta ask... do you look like Burt Reynolds btw? I'm thinking Boogie Nights
jwhite Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I agree with the more recent posts as well. I got over my ex's past issues but it took a year or two. Also, her issues were not as bad as what you are describing. I too think you are settling. Do not invest any of yourself in this relationship yet, you need to work to love yourself!
Mint Sauce Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Is it possible there are 2 sides to your difficulty dealing with this? - you are shocked by her past, it's too much for you, you wouldn't really want to have had those experiences (i.e. orgies among drug addicts) - you are also jealous of her past, in the sense that your own sexual history was too boring for your own taste. The 2nd one you could probably deal with by tapping into your gf's adventurous side. If there are things you like, she'll probably be up for it. And then, when you no longer feel this jealousy, when you feel like whatever you dream of is possible with her, you can probably see her past for what it really is: very sad. You'll feel compassionate, and that is perhaps easier to deal with? In any case, I 2nd the opinion voiced above that you should discuss this with a therapist.
health Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 This is tricky. You've worked hard to be who you are. She lived reckless and now she get's a good guy? Be careful. Question - does she work? Is she educated? Just be careful and make sure you're not in this solely because of how she looks or the sex life. Relationships are like seminars - you learn alot! It's about learning. Just don't settle. You deserve the best. Don't save a loser. Don't save anyone in life. Live and let die. Or, live and let live!
magnoliasoutherly Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 There are plans in the future for her to have plastic surgery to repair her birth scars and breast augmentation. I just hope this doesn't make her go back to her old ways... unless they are with me...After all you've said about your relationship with her, I think this one thing right here is the center of your entire problem. You took security in the scars and if those go, you're worried she does. After all, why is she getting the surgery if you love her and you don't care? Is that what you're thinking? I hate to say it, but I have to agree with you. On the other hand, do you really want to keep her if she doesn't want to be yours? Wouldn't you rather be with someone that you had no doubts about? She's lucky to have you, not the other way around. I know that doesn't help how you feel now, but it is a fact and maybe you need to explore that further.
zebracolors Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 This topic brings to mind a question that Ive been wondering. And i hope its ok for me to jump in with this. In the process of getting to know someone, that you may have mutual curiosity about, how much of your past is okay to leave out? I know some here are saying that the past is in the past, and is irrelevant to the potential of the relationship going forward. Should you just refuse to answer any questions about your past? But if you do, someone might at least wonder if you're hiding something ominous from your past. In the case of OP, his girlfriend's past is clearly having an effect on the current relationship going forward. So in this sense, if you feel comfortable, its maybe a good idea to tell about anything that is still having an effect on you in the current. I do agree that her inability to accept her body the way it is, might be making it difficult for her to feel secure in how you feel about her. Just a thought?
Author Burt1976 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 No, I'm not watching porn atm. What I wrote really did happen to her. And yes, according to me, it's the same as porn. Which guy wouldn't want to live up to those standards? I know I do, even though I know I shouldn't. So it's very difficult for my ego to accept that the woman I love has done these things when I could never have. Actually, never mind that last part. I've been involved in some scenarios similar to hers, but these were nowhere near as spectacular or raunchy (again, according to me). I know I need a therapist and I'm also convinced I will need some sort of drug treatment because I'm presently destroying everything I touch including myself because of this depression. I've become everything I hate. I mean, I've always hated myself, but now it's downright scary and I'm afraid of how far this could go. I hate myself for making a big deal out of this, I hate myself for making a scene because of how I feel, I hate myself for becoming all clingy and paranoid at the thought of losing her. It's pathetic, but I can't help it, it's as if, unconsciously, I think I DESERVE to be humiliated and to torture myself for how ****ty my life has been and how I've dealt with it. Oh and Burt isn't my real name. it's actually a abstract variation on the nickname I usually use on the internet and I only use it on forums where I don,t want to be identified were someone try to figure out who my other nickname is. Makes sense?
Author Burt1976 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 I really don't think I could handle another year or two of this mental anguish I'm going through. Too painful. No matter what kind of image you might have drawn of her through my descriptions. I know for a fact that she is nowhere near the "slut" that she used to be. She loves sex yes, but she prides herself in her loyalty to her man and I believe her 100%. She's quite adventurous in bed and to me that is huge since it's what I've always wanted and until this point, everything had been fireworks. it's really nerve wracking to literally see all of this crumble to dust before your eyes. It's like having your masculinity pulverized by a sledgehammer (sure feels this way). I do know I need to learn to love myself, but I'm convinced I've hated myself for such a long time that my brains neurotransmitters have been permanently assigned to hate myself. That's why I believe drugs will be necessary to help me cope with this and myself. I would see it as the ultimate failure if I were to lose this woman. Although she has a screwed up past, what we've had since the beginning is some of the strongest attraction I've ever felt between two people. She never wanted to marry, I never wanted to remarry, but we,,re both very enthusiastic about making this move since we believe we were simply MEANT for each other (and I mean this on a nearly cosmic level - and I never really believed in this kind of thing, but the way we are when things are good is simply magical).
Author Burt1976 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 This is tricky. You've worked hard to be who you are. She lived reckless and now she get's a good guy? Be careful. Question - does she work? Is she educated? Just be careful and make sure you're not in this solely because of how she looks or the sex life. Relationships are like seminars - you learn alot! It's about learning. Just don't settle. You deserve the best. Don't save a loser. Don't save anyone in life. Live and let die. Or, live and let live! She had a terrible childhood. At 14 she was left to fend for herself with an abusive 21 year old boyfriend who would cheat and leave her over the next ten years. Her parents were no help at all and she rebelled. When you're cornered, at one point, you have no choice: you fight or you get beaten up. She fought, the way she knew how. You deal with the shlt life hands down to you. She's not proud of her past in any way, but that's how things turned out. Near the end of her ten year relationship with her ex, who had become abusive (I could tell you people horror stories you wouldn't believe!). She attempted suicide a couple of times and fell into a deep depression after her ex left her alone with two kids. She had hit rock bottom. She met a few guys in between, but she had put on a lot of weight since then and she started getting some self esteem issues of her own. When I arrived in the portrait a few months later, she literally picked herself up and changed EVERYTHING about her life. No she doesn't have much education, but she is highly intelligent. She was very bright as a child, but her talents were put to waste by some egotistical and irresponsible parents. When she speaks to me about deeper matters, she comes up with some very astute observations and can even show me, a "university educated" guy, a thing or two. I hate thinking that i've simply "saved a 'ho'", because I feel zero malice behind her kindness and affection towards me and nothing is making me suspicious or anything about her behavior towards me. She's always very frank and direct (to the point of being hurtful sometimes). A no BS type of girl. However, she keeps telling me how much I've helped her getting back on her feet and at this point, she wants to do the same for me and help me get over my own issues. She's assured me over and over again regarding this, no matter how much I tried testing her truthfulness. I truly feel that we are one of those rare couples that manage to literally change each others lives for the better (even though this means we both have to tackle or inner demons which inevitably causes pain and anguish). To my eyes, she IS the best... bar her past, which I keep comparing to mine. It's so difficult to imagine that this sweet-faced, down to earth and extremely loving girl being a part of what I've described in my first post. I've never had such a strong bond towards a girl than her... and I,ve been married 6 years and have had other girlfriends before or since. She's high above everyone else in my book and I really don,t want to lose her over something I can't change.
Author Burt1976 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Is it possible there are 2 sides to your difficulty dealing with this? - you are shocked by her past, it's too much for you, you wouldn't really want to have had those experiences (i.e. orgies among drug addicts) - you are also jealous of her past, in the sense that your own sexual history was too boring for your own taste. The 2nd one you could probably deal with by tapping into your gf's adventurous side. If there are things you like, she'll probably be up for it. And then, when you no longer feel this jealousy, when you feel like whatever you dream of is possible with her, you can probably see her past for what it really is: very sad. You'll feel compassionate, and that is perhaps easier to deal with? In any case, I 2nd the opinion voiced above that you should discuss this with a therapist. Both sides are true except for the fact that I REALLY would have liked to be able to have those types of experiences. I have a strange philosophy regarding life and how it is meant to be lived and to me, the way she's lived, no matter how ****ed up, is closer to real life than most of us could ever handle. That being said, yes, I do believe I need therapy and she's accepted to follow me to these sessions to help me try and get better. She's already up for helping me live out a few more fantasies, but feeling low and shltty like I do these days, sex has been terrible and we avoid it, which just hurts me even more, since I realize it's because of ME if sex has gone from nearly magical to completely dead. I just hope that with time, like you said, I'm able to overcome this envy I have towards her past and to see it for what it is, a troubled past. Nothing more.
YorickBrown Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 No, I'm not watching porn atm. What I wrote really did happen to her. And yes, according to me, it's the same as porn. Which guy wouldn't want to live up to those standards? I know I do, even though I know I shouldn't. So it's very difficult for my ego to accept that the woman I love has done these things when I could never have. Actually, never mind that last part. I've been involved in some scenarios similar to hers, but these were nowhere near as spectacular or raunchy (again, according to me). I know I need a therapist and I'm also convinced I will need some sort of drug treatment because I'm presently destroying everything I touch including myself because of this depression. I've become everything I hate. I mean, I've always hated myself, but now it's downright scary and I'm afraid of how far this could go. I hate myself for making a big deal out of this, I hate myself for making a scene because of how I feel, I hate myself for becoming all clingy and paranoid at the thought of losing her. It's pathetic, but I can't help it, it's as if, unconsciously, I think I DESERVE to be humiliated and to torture myself for how ****ty my life has been and how I've dealt with it. Oh and Burt isn't my real name. it's actually a abstract variation on the nickname I usually use on the internet and I only use it on forums where I don,t want to be identified were someone try to figure out who my other nickname is. Makes sense? Ok "Burt", I guess this reply was directed at my last post to you. I apologize if you got kinda "annoyed" by it. I was just trying to keep it "light" you know (im having a terrible past couple of days & nights myself and its just my way of "coping"). Now, I'm gonna give it to you as straight-forward and simple as I can: "RUN" (away from that relationship as soon as possible, as far away and as fast as you can...like a Cannonball (ok, some pun intended) I'm NOT kidding "Burt". Just be sure when you do "run", make a really fast but clean break...DO NOT LEAVE ANYTHING BEHIND...like say, a kid that would allow her to catch up with you at some point and reel you back in (I was, more or less caught up in the same situation as you are right now, minus the porn stuff --you can read my recent woes--> here) I know, it will be very very difficult to do so...seemingly impossible (ok, lets not exaggerate it) but if you are truly going into therapy...im pretty sure, any therapist worth his/her salt would advice you the same thing: Break away now, take a time-out...or at least, something along those lines.
Author Burt1976 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 "RUN" (away from that relationship as soon as possible, as far away and as fast as you can...like a Cannonball (ok, some pun intended) That's the problem though, I DON'T want to run away. She's NOT the "ho" she used to be. Not at all. And even during her ho days, she had always been loyal to her man, unless he himself cheated on her or dumped her, etc (something which happened on and off for ten years). it's just the hardcore sex stuff that's hurting me inside and making me feel inadequate today. it SHOULDN'T be causing me all this anxiety. I'm not at all afraid that she will be playing behind my back. I trust her completely, but my male ego has taken a massive blow and is making me feel like crap. Why is it affecting me this much? I'm having trouble making my way through the day, it's affecting work, my social life, everything. All of this because of what? A young girl once was open enough to experiment with sex. I guess I'm just really jealous not to have had that opportunity myself back then and it's caused my old insecurities and self esteem issues to resurface. Before this I was comfortable in my shell, but that's also no way to live. I'm just letting the insecurities win me over and I had begun to isolate myself and to live life in accordance to them. Being with her made me come out of my shell a bit at first, but this revealing of her past really pushed me over th edge and now everything is blaring and I have two options at this point: 1 - Run away, hide in my shell once again and be forever alone and insecure or 2 - Tackle the **** out of my personal problems and finally do something about it and feel better about myself. She promised to help me and have my back if I was ready to work on myself. She is extremely mature for her age (more so than me with all my anxieties) and her street smart experience has made her into a wise woman who won't take BS from anyone. I'm actually surprised of how she's been dealing with my own insecure BS, but time after time, she's making it clear that she loves me more than any other man she's ever met in her life. I see this whole story as a way to finally accept who I am. It's quite difficult, but either I do it or I don't and I would never forgive myself if I didn't. So please, no more running away suggestions. I'm not trying to save HER here, I'm trying to save myself. Like one commenter mentioned, I'd much rather be able to go back to just realizing that her past is SAD, not something to be envied or compared to. The problem is I know all this, but I can't get my emotions and brain to get over it. People change. It's possible. She has, now I want my turn as well. It's a hellofalotofwork and it's very painful to confront personal demons, but if you don't, all that says is that your demons are controlling your life and making you even more unhappy in the long run. My work has a special program which offers it's employees free short term therapy. Time to make a phone call. BTW, I wasn't really annoyed by your post. I'm too messed up atm to even notice these things.
YorickBrown Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 That's the problem though, I DON'T want to run away. 1 - Run away, hide in my shell once again and be forever alone and insecure or 2 - Tackle the **** out of my personal problems and finally do something about it and feel better about myself. So please, no more running away suggestions. I'm not trying to save HER here, I'm trying to save myself. Like one commenter mentioned, I'd much rather be able to go back to just realizing that her past is SAD, not something to be envied or compared to. The problem is I know all this, but I can't get my emotions and brain to get over it. People change. It's possible. She has, now I want my turn as well. It's a hellofalotofwork and it's very painful to confront personal demons, but if you don't, all that says is that your demons are controlling your life and making you even more unhappy in the long run. My work has a special program which offers it's employees free short term therapy. Time to make a phone call. BTW, I wasn't really annoyed by your post. I'm too messed up atm to even notice these things. You've just answered your question on what you problem is....and you didn't even notice it. and it should NOT be Run OR Tackle...it SHOULD BE Run AND Tackle (notice the difference now?) Ok, maybe I should give you a "sports" example -- Football (American) or Rugby (if you're European/Aussie) particularly where RUNNING and TACKLING are essential -- its is the whole point of the game. You CANNOT TACKLE if YOU DONT RUN (coz you'll get momentum doing so)...and YOU WILL GET TACKLED and brought down IF YOU DONT RUN (fast and hard) putting distance between you and your "demons". what Im just saying is, you should take a "time-out" first and get yourself out of the play for awhile...I DID NOT say RUN and HIDE...its more like RUN and HUDDLE (think about your game plan first) -- get it buddy? Go to Dallas....Debbie is there (ok, this weak)
Guitarjeff Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Yuk, Gag me with a spoon. Come on dude, grow up. Sh3 did these things because her moral fiber allowed her to do these things because that's who she really is inside. Grow up and stop trying to pretend she is something other than her actions have proven her to be. You try to turn the whore in to a house wife, then you will pay the price for your ignorance. Your turmoil is there because you are trying to make her in to something that you know in your heart she isn't. Keep going forward, and she'll be telling you how it is no big deal that she is banging your best friend while you are home watching your kids. Funny, a man will walk right in to hell with both eyes open, but even the devil can't fool a dog. think about that. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 (edited) A past is a hard thing for any guy to deal with especially if it is one that involves sex that is way over anything they have experienced....even the more experienced guys have to be totally secure.... there are a few things that you gave said that i would offer some advice on... you are worried it is her body image that is keeping her from her old ways because she had babies and is scarred i will offer this when a woman who is loving has kids, her world changes it isnt just her anymore it her and her kids....hence the shield hence the shyness hence the regret...if she truly wanted that wild scene with the pot and the drinking ....do you think drunk guys notice scars or cellulite they wouldn't care, and if she was that girl now she wouldn't care either, she would smoke pot get drunk and the inhibitions are magically gone because nobody gives a crap when you are intoxicated........obviously she isnt that girl anymore..she is a mother and a woman now. people often mature with age funnily enough.....and stupid mistakes are often there to haunt the truly regretful...kids are there to remind you what you dont want them to do so you lead by example....she seems like a caring mother with a past from what you posted..... i think you maybe need counseling to deal with her past now you know it, if you wanted to stay with her you need to come to a decision......have you ever though maybe if she met you earlier in her life that past would not be the same.....maybe she would be with you and not have done half the things she has done you just dont know...so you wanting her to have picked you then is really irrelevant because it is a possibility she would have you cant really say if she would or wouldnt have .what you do know is that you do care for her now and she does care for you now you have an active healthy sex life with someone who is shy and a loving mother....if you base everything in her past....your relationship will join that past.....and be history its all up to you and how you really feel about her...love is a risk.....in any case past or no past no guarantees...all you both could do is give it your all....if you have your all to give...another poster said don't save a loser and called your girlfriend a save a ho project i am curious what do you feel when you read those insults directed towards a woman who has kept your bed warm for you, who was shy and scared to get involved with you..... those comments made against your girlfriends character are directly in relation to the portrayal you give of your current girlfriend guys on the net calling her a ho a loser and she is looking for a sucker what are your feelings on those comments..does it make you doubt her do you feel in your heart they are right, these guys who have never met her?.....?????..deb Edited November 21, 2012 by todreaminblue
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