Darth Vader Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Now you're being vulgar. So no more responding to you. You know I was only mess'in with ya!
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) I am taking responsibility and trying to do the best thing for everyone By going to MC and saying "I'm not trying to reconcile"? I don't buy it. A 3 year affair, never telling your spouse that you love him...how is destroying your family in one of the cruelest ways possible taking responsibility and doing the best thing for everyone? My WW had the same delusional kind of thinking, always claiming she had my daughter's best interest at heart with various actions. Affairs and divorce are disastrous to everyone in every way, financially, emotionally, logistically, etc. If you wanted to take responsibility and do the best thing for everyone you'd work on restoring love, trust, and family. I keep wanting to say something about vows, but you never took any. Here's my analogy of how your current MC goals could possibly be good: You relationship is a body, you suddenly took an axe to an arm but only cut half way through(the affair). Now you've injected some weak pain killer(MC) before striking the final blow to sever the arm completely. Good for you, best thing for everyone and very responsible. You'll get what you want in the end: divorce. Congrats. Edited October 27, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 2
Author wanting more Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 That you are lass that you are! I think it's what I have to do for now
Author wanting more Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 By going to MC and saying "I'm not trying to reconcile"? I don't buy it. A 3 year affair' date=' never telling your spouse that you love him...how is destroying your family in one of the cruelest ways possible taking responsibility and doing the best thing for everyone? My WW had the same delusional kind of thinking, always claiming she had my daughter's best interest at heart with various actions. Affairs and divorce are disastrous to everyone in every way, financially, emotionally, logistically, etc. [b']If you wanted to take responsibility and do the best thing for everyone you'd work on restoring love, trust, and family. [/b]I keep wanting to say something about vows, but you never took any. Here's my analogy of how your current MC goals could possibly be good: You relationship is a body, you suddenly took an axe to an arm but only cut half way through(the affair). Now you've injected some weak pain killer(MC) before striking the final blow to sever the arm completely. Good for you, best thing for everyone and very responsible. You'll get what you want in the end: divorce. Congrats. Would it be better if he'd found out and I said F U???
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Would it be better if he'd found out and I said F U??? That's what you did right? YES I'VE BEEN CHEATING FOR 3 YEARS, HERE'S THE DETAILS, BYE! Maybe you should have left....3 years ago?
Author wanting more Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 That's what you did right? YES I'VE BEEN CHEATING FOR 3 YEARS, HERE'S THE DETAILS, BYE! Maybe you should have left....3 years ago? Yes I did that. I shouldve ended my R. I should've never had an A. I feel I owe it to him to do what I can to help him deal with this. 1
mercy Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 You know I was only mess'in with ya! Okay, you're forgiven.
MourningLosses Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Yes I did that. I shouldve ended my R. I should've never had an A. I feel I owe it to him to do what I can to help him deal with this. I think FU would be more honest. You seem to be trying to get him "over it" enough that your life is easier, it's still all about you. You want civility when you deserve none. You want contact for parenting when if he has a sense of self preservation he won't do that. I think the healthiest thing would be NC. Pass the children through schools, relatives, counselors, whatever works. Leave him alone. He will heal better if he can hate you in peace and not be forced to make things civil for you. I think my H would be the same. If he ever finds out the best thing for him would be to get the hell out. And that's what he'd do. 1
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I think FU would be more honest. You seem to be trying to get him "over it" enough that your life is easier, it's still all about you. You want civility when you deserve none. You want contact for parenting when if he has a sense of self preservation he won't do that. I think the healthiest thing would be NC. Pass the children through schools, relatives, counselors, whatever works. Leave him alone. He will heal better if he can hate you in peace and not be forced to make things civil for you. I think my H would be the same. If he ever finds out the best thing for him would be to get the hell out. And that's what he'd do. You'd like to think that a BS would just get the hell out but most don't. Instead, we try to preserve the marriage that we took vows to. What a novel idea.
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) I would add that ML might be right about detaching. I'm still a rookie at it but my wife and I have basically gone 10 months now with the only face-to-face interaction being once a week when I drop off the kids and at parent/teacher conferences. We text and email (routinely about the kids and finances). There has been little (very little) communication of personal nature. Healthy? I don't know. But as a BS, it draws a clear boundary and more importantly, aids in detachment. The longer you stay personally connected, the longer you'll stay personally connected. My days with the kids are mine. And I otherwise live my life and she is not privy to it. I certainly don't think that "FU" would be the path but you should discuss this kind of detachment with him. I think you'll find him considering it as an arrangement. It is the healthiest thing if you have no intention of reconciling. Personally, I always hope that people will find a way to forgive one another. That's where NH and I overlap. If you look at it from your BSO's angle, he wishes that you (the cheater) would forgive him enough to stay with him. If he is betrayed and rejected/unforgiven (and has children with you), it is too much to ask of him to forgive you. You are asking him to be civil/forgive you when you haven't done the same. If he must do this for the sake of the children, perhaps he should be able to do it in peace. I think it's time for you to talk with him about how he wants to move forward and discuss this option. You are in a similar position as my ex wife was in; guilty but unwilling to reconcile. Your BSO loses no matter what he does. He hopes for 50/50 custody of the children (which for us, equates to a guaranteed minimum loss of our children 50% of the time). Edited October 29, 2012 by BetrayedH
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I find it interesting that so many cheaters are keen to stay in the marriage while their deception reigns. The instant everything is out in the open, they run from reality and want to start over, avoiding any responsibility for their actions....no trying to rebuild family. They want to cake eat in secret and if that doesn't work out, forget it
nofool4u Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 How did you treat her?? What did you say to her?? Initially I told her to get out and go spread her legs for the other man all she wants, and that I don't care what she does from that point on. That was followed by her wanting to save the marriage, and for a month or 2 I tried. But not being able to get past the visions in my head, I filed for divorce. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 How did you treat her?? What did you say to her?? I think your question is too simple. The problem you are going to have with him is that not only did you cheat, but you don't want to reconcile. There is no point for you to continue MC. The best thing is that you both do IC, seperate and learn to deal with each other civily. Also, make sure the kids get counceling. There world has blown up. You both need to make a pact NOT to talk about the other spouse in a negative way. Becareful about phone calls and such even if the kids are in another room. Expect him to be angry and call names, but you do not have to put up with it. Just state "We will continue the conversation when you have calmed down."
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