wanting more Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 How did you treat her?? What did you say to her??
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 At first, I changed all my passwords, contacted a divorce attorney, and hired a PI to tail her. This was before I disclosed that I knew. I wanted video evidence for a divorce. After the PI failed to find anything, I sat on the info for a few days until one morning that she started telling me how she was "trying," trying to work on our marriage. I couldn't help but call her out on what a lie that was since she had just been to a hotel from 10pm to midnight on Thursday. She was stone cold busted. She broke down and cried. I held her while she sobbed. It was surreal to be comforting her. But I still loved her. She wanted to stay and agreed to some immediate expectations to avoid immediate divorce. I didn't swear, name-call or raise my voice for a few months as we followed just about every recommendation we could find. But after about 3-4 months, my anger set in. I think the intial days were just all about trying to fix it. It was an intellectual exercise. I was torn up, to be sure, but very task oriented. I wanted to find a solution to keep my nuclear family together. Considering how close my wife obviously was to leaving, I'm sure I was way too sensitive to anything that might upset the apple cart. I focused on improving me and my wife appeared very committed to reconciling. But once I felt safe. That's when my anger set in. And it was furious. We could barely discuss it outside of marriage counseling (and I could hardly discuss anything else). It was as if a switch was flipped and I suddenly realized that I didn't much appreciate this and as a matter of fact, WTF WERE YOU ****ING THINKING?! I've lost 38 ****ing pounds! I can't ****ing sleep! I can't trust a word you say! Why were you ****ing 5 minutes late from work today?! I called her a disgusting pig. And I couldn't contain it. I thought about it from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. I didn't sleep well and would often get up and have a smoke at 2-3 in the morning. There were triggers everywhere around me. It drove me insane. Three counselors told me I had PTSD. I went on meds and it seemed to work a little bit. The lows weren't quite as low. But I couldn't shed the anger. I desperately wanted to stop being angry. I didn't want to punish my wife. I wanted to reconcile and somehow get past it. My wife's actions were consistent and so what was then prescribed was that lovely four-letter word, TIME. Sorry for the drawn-out answer. Short version: I was loving and focused on improving my part in the marriage for several months. And then I was increasingly faced with rage that came out in her direction with increasing frequency. It culminated in me burning our couch (a particularly offensive couch as I had just discovered) and literally throwing her out the front door. I think the only thing that stopped the insanity fully was when she filed for divorce and I was at a point where I didn't disagree. It was the first relief I had felt in 7 months. 8
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 How did you treat her?? What did you say to her?? I asked h if I could answer for him. He said yes. He treated me with loving kindness. He was shamed by what he had done. It was his greatest mistake. He said he wanted our marriage, us, more than he ever wanted anything in his life. He took a couple months leave and we traveled and reconnected. We both decided to take early retirement so we could focus more on us. Best time and worst time of our life, if that makes any sense. We didn't allow the affair to define our marriage. We defined our marriage by the love we had/have for each other. And now ten years later I am happier than I have ever been. Joyful that God saw us through the mess we made of our marriage. 4
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I asked h if I could answer for him. He said yes. He treated me with loving kindness. He was shamed by what he had done. It was his greatest mistake. He said he wanted our marriage, us, more than he ever wanted anything in his life. He took a couple months leave and we traveled and reconnected. We both decided to take early retirement so we could focus more on us. Best time and worst time of our life, if that makes any sense. We didn't allow the affair to define our marriage. We defined our marriage by the love we had/have for each other. And now ten years later I am happier than I have ever been. Joyful that God saw us through the mess we made of our marriage. Speaking as someone that has lost a lot of faith in people, my hope is that you continue posting here as long as I am around. I'll be a more fortunate and better person for it. And that's not flirting. 7
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) My story is fairly similar to BH's, in that it ranges all over the place, and kinda follows the classic grief stages. Like him I was affected by trickle truth. She told me one night that she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. She said it was nothing I had done, there was something wrong with her and she should go to counseling. I didn't really even react. I couldn't comprehend it. She thought I would beat or kill her and take her daughter away from her... Instead I told her I meant to stay if that's what she wanted and that she should NOT get an abortion (she asked me if she should). She was moved by my mercy and she coaxed me into making love that night. Mentally I was not into that at all...but I'm still and younger guy I guess.. I supported her over the next week, held her as she cried frantically after she began going through a "spontaneous abortion" (basically an early miscarriage) My anger started to come through though as she started becoming more comfortable and self righteous..and continuing denying me basic information...like Who, where, when, why. I left her in the bedroom one night in a fit of rage when she told me not to "obsess over the act". I think that was the first time I reacted with anger, nearly a week in. Things got worse and worse as I slowly drug details out of her, she began shifting blame onto me, and became more and more distant and cold toward me. We fought a lot. It was a struggle just to get her to alternate classes with the OM..or to even...I dunno..stay home with her husband for a night?? Once I punched the headboard right next to her, bruising my hand for a good week. I scared the crap out of her with that, setting us back pretty far. I was just trying not to yell...and I didn't. Didn't say a word, just injured myself =\ Three months into our marriage counseling I discovered a Facebook conversation in her account's history that made it clear that her affair had been months long, with hotels, lies, etc, instead of the 1 night she had claimed it had been. I calmly confronted her that night and she continued to lie right up until I read her the conversation from her laptop. I took the next day off work. She told me her "story" in counseling that day. I spent that night driving around aimlessly, scaring my wife for my safety. Other than staying away driving aimlessly, around her I kept my cool for about 5 more days until the OM replied to an email I had sent. He spelled out the true beginning of the affair finally. My wife still hadn't come clean with what I wanted to know. There was nothing left. She sent me an email within a couple of hours of OM's email saying she wanted no more questions for a while because she was getting physically ill and had even had a car fender bender a few days prior. She didn't know I had just had another big reveal from OM. I called her and asked her for the truth one more time but didn't give her much chance when she didn't respond immediately, mostly because of the email I had just gotten from her telling my "no more questions". Here's where I start screaming at the top of my lungs, " F* YOU!!! F* YOU!!! F* YOU!!! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT!!! HOW CAN I EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN!!! I'M NOT COMING HOME UNTIL YOU QUIT THE DOJO!!!" Now I was in rage mode full on. I did come home that night, but very late and only after she urged me to come home over the phone. That was also the night I started my private bank account that I use today. It was here that I started coming to this website, exposed the affair to the OM's wife, and my wife's parents, though they had already known for about a week. I entered the grief stage next as we decided to divorce because she wouldn't quit the class. I went back on my threat and started the whole cycle over again, Denial, Anger, Grief, and finally acceptance. She had moved out of the bedroom, sleeping in the guest bed. I told her to go back to class again and I'd do the best I could to accept my own insecurities for the sake of the family...yeah that didn't work out. I knew it couldn't but had hope she would eventually see that I couldn't handle her being around the OM. During my renewed "nice phase" she went nuts. She got rejected from the masters program she had been trying to get into, became suicidal, pulling out a knife, then a sword, tried to force my hands to hit her, slapped herself until I made her stop...screamed that she was a whore and I wouldn't lose anything. I handled it pretty well I think. I told her she could go to whatever school, we could move out of state, do anything she wanted. I coaxed her back into the marriage, we were intimate again. She got into another masters program, things started to seem normal again...except I wasn't functioning at work. I was worried I'd lose my job. Things got out of hand again when her father suggested I take the family on a vacation. I offered the vacation to my wife and she threw it back in my face saying I should have done it ages ago instead of the trip we had been planning to spend with my family on some old forest property we were about to sell. Argument ensued and she ended up hitting me in the face on our 14th anniversary I have NEVER hit her. This was time #2 for her. I eventually joined her dojo for about 3 weeks...her OM showed up for one of the sessions..I didn't like that too much. I eventually exposed the affair to the dojo as I renewed my threat of divorce...and I was full blown into my second anger phase. When she didn't give in I treated her horribly. The marriage was over. I constantly berated her telling her how deceitful, selfish and disgusting she was. I couldn't hold it back. Things have been pretty tense throughout the divorce...but a lot of people (like our mediator and my mother) have been impressed by out good behavior. Her parents aren't as impressed of course since they focus on my reactions to her lies, deceit, and selfishness. (more lies from her during the divorce process of course) I'm sorry but a man can only be so forgiving and patient for so long while his wife still puts herself in places where the OM who possibly impregnated her goes. After I had made up my mind to divorce, I had to spew all the poison back at her...I think it was very therapeutic for me no matter how much it damaged my relationship with her or her parents. She's not my wife anymore, hell no....and her parents will never understand the truth anyway. They blindly listen to a liar who they think isn't capable of telling a lie. How you can know someone had an 4 month affair, but not believe they can lie is just beyond me. Sigh Anyway that's my story. Lots of different behaviours on my part, I did the best I could. I have some regrets, but not very much. I think I did what I needed and had to, to feel like I put in my all to fix things. Edited October 26, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 2
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 You did the best you could, NH. It's hard to hear your story again. Hard to know that we failed, regardless of how hard we tried. Yours is a remarkable story of patience. Sad to see that we cannot change them. 2
Author wanting more Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Betrayed, Mercy and Ninjashusband BSO and I are still in MC. my son had counseling this week. as far as I know xMM BW and BSO haven't talked or texted recently. BSO and I had a couple decent days, kids sports, he worked on my car, fixed a couple things around the house. Then BAM horrible days, he hasn't done anything to make me afraid of him, although he did punch and break his windshield on his truck, but there's so much yelling and texting with horrible names. Done when kids are asleep, or over the phone. I still have in my mind that if we can get thru this horrible part, then being able to be civil is a possibility??? I understand he's in his anger phase, and I know ive hurt him and will never be able to take that back. I guess I was just looking to see if what he's doing in "normal".
frozensprouts Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 my husband couldn't do much, as he left for deployment a few weeks after his affair ended and we reconciled. It had to be put on hold, as the only communication we had was Gmail chat, which was really frustrating, as I'd try to over analyze everything he said, thinking there was some hidden message there. I did all the "anger part" while he was away, and by the time he got back, i was feeling more settled, and we could begin the "heavy lifting" part of things.... 1
ComingInHot Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Wanting: I forgave him right at the moment I found out. I know myself well enough to understand that hate & unforgivness will do more damage to me than anyone else. Then I found out more, and more, AND More. I got angry at the continued lies and cover-ups that I felt were to protect (at first her) and himself. I didn't call names, except "lie" but I did chuck his laptop... It was my Husband that continued being a jackhole, saying he cheated because I frustrated him... The BEST/worst thing I did was get enough courage to demand counseling or walk away. We are finally healing but I have (up until recently) been the only "kind" person throughout this whole thing. 1
karnak Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 She's not my wife anymore, hell no....and her parents will never understand the truth anyway. They blindly listen to a liar who they think isn't capable of telling a lie. How you can know someone had an 4 month affair, but not believe they can lie is just beyond me. Of course you know that her parents are perfectly aware that your ex is a lying piece of trash. But she's their little princess. While you are just the guy their little princess married one day. Before you, their daughter has already had other boyfriends. And when she married you, they probably suspected you wouldn't be the last one (which turned ou to be true). The shocking thing is how people will pretend that nothing has happened, just to protect their facade of a life. Sad people indeed. Trash.
Artie Lang Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 BH & Ninja, it seems that trickle-truth "did in" your respective marriages. they(WW) made you "dig up" the actual facts, rather than coming clean from the start. every new discovery was another d-day for the both of you. BH, you were sitting on that couch for the longest time totally oblivious as to what transpired on it; and she let you! furthermore, it seems that your WW's were just waiting the both of you out. you two are better off.
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 BH & Ninja, it seems that trickle-truth "did in" your respective marriages. they(WW) made you "dig up" the actual facts, rather than coming clean from the start. every new discovery was another d-day for the both of you. BH, you were sitting on that couch for the longest time totally oblivious as to what transpired on it; and she let you! furthermore, it seems that your WW's were just waiting the both of you out. you two are better off. Agreed on all fronts. WM, my experience is that his behavior is normal. For reconciling spouses, it many times continues until the wayward spouse has suffered it for months already and finally puts their foot down saying that if the BS wants to reconcile, the emotional abuse has to stop. We tried to implement an agreement of no yelling and no swearing and only discussing the A at appropriate times and for appropriate lengths. I couldn't always comply but it was a good effort on our part to reduce the drama. Your situation is tough because you can't issue an ultimatum about reconciling. But I think you eventually (only you will know when you have taken enough) will have to put down your own boundaries about what treatment you will accept.
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Speaking as someone that has lost a lot of faith in people, my hope is that you continue posting here as long as I am around. I'll be a more fortunate and better person for it. And that's not flirting. Thank you, kind man! Oh, you don't flirt with me, you give me a hard time (tease me) like most of the men in my life! I really do enjoy you! Your faith in people will return. You know how I know that? Because when I read your posts about your children, you have a real and honest love for them. You have a big heart. Your faith in love is still there, it's just bruised. I don't think a man like you could go long without sharing his love. And I'm always right, just ask h.
Author wanting more Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 I know he's hurting really bad,* even knowing I'm not in love with him, I do love him,* and I know he's got deeper feelings for me so it's tougher on him.* As I said, thankfully the arguements or "talks" happen when the kids are sleeping or not home.* He knows lots of details which I hate he knows, (not because he doesn't deserve the truth, but most of the details are sexual and I know that kills him, also that it was a 3 year affair so his mind is wondering about how much, how, when, and just everyday things that did or couldn've gone on between xMM and I),* I read here lots about mind movies and I know that's hard for him to deal with.* * I accept (for now) the way things are going.* He's very verbal in what he thinks about me, then he does talk about trying to deal with this better.* as I said he's never scared me with thoughts of physical violence so I do let him get it out.* * he's also going to start therapy with a psychiatrist (i really think medication would help him) * When I first started here and everyone was saying "tell the BW" I really thougth some of you were crazy.* But now I know you were all right,* I think one thing that does help BSO is that he knows I haven't lied because I gave more details than he figured I ever would have, then talking to xMM BW and realizing how much he was lying to her, and I wasn't has made it a little easier on me, not having to worry if he'll find out something else, or something like that
mercy Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Betrayed, Mercy and Ninjashusband BSO and I are still in MC. my son had counseling this week. as far as I know xMM BW and BSO haven't talked or texted recently. BSO and I had a couple decent days, kids sports, he worked on my car, fixed a couple things around the house. Then BAM horrible days, he hasn't done anything to make me afraid of him, although he did punch and break his windshield on his truck, but there's so much yelling and texting with horrible names. Done when kids are asleep, or over the phone. I still have in my mind that if we can get thru this horrible part, then being able to be civil is a possibility??? I understand he's in his anger phase, and I know ive hurt him and will never be able to take that back. I guess I was just looking to see if what he's doing in "normal". Is your goal still to separate? Does he know that? Why are you two still living together? I didn't go through an anger stage but I understand those that do. I do remember questioning him relentlessly, then getting upset when he told the truth. Damned if he did and damned if he didn't. I was all over the place. There was no normal in my house for a very long time. Love healed my heart. I can't imagine what your h is going through if he knows the relationship (yours and his) is over. Because of his history of violence it is worrisome.
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) I know he's hurting really bad,* even knowing I'm not in love with him, I do love him,* and I know he's got deeper feelings for me so it's tougher on him.* As I said, thankfully the arguements or "talks" happen when the kids are sleeping or not home.* He knows lots of details which I hate he knows, (not because he doesn't deserve the truth, but most of the details are sexual and I know that kills him, also that it was a 3 year affair so his mind is wondering about how much, how, when, and just everyday things that did or couldn've gone on between xMM and I),* I read here lots about mind movies and I know that's hard for him to deal with.* * I accept (for now) the way things are going.* He's very verbal in what he thinks about me, then he does talk about trying to deal with this better.* as I said he's never scared me with thoughts of physical violence so I do let him get it out.* * he's also going to start therapy with a psychiatrist (i really think medication would help him) * When I first started here and everyone was saying "tell the BW" I really thougth some of you were crazy.* But now I know you were all right,* I think one thing that does help BSO is that he knows I haven't lied because I gave more details than he figured I ever would have, then talking to xMM BW and realizing how much he was lying to her, and I wasn't has made it a little easier on me, not having to worry if he'll find out something else, or something like that We had lots of these arguments while my daughter was away, or asleep as well. It was really hard as I found out new things that my wife was holding against me (coming up with more and more ways to blame shift), and I discovered lies. I left out the part where I read like 14 self help books(BH did this also), worked like hell on transforming my communication style, and worked to understand and forgive my wife's point of view. It was extremely hard and to my wife wasn't as visible as I'd hoped. I had basically just figured out what I thought I needed to fix in me to make the marriage work and I was going into full implementation mode...apologizing deeply for things I had done in the past...committing to new behaviors, etc... But almost as soon as I had figured all this out, thought I understood the "why" and the "how to fix"...I found out she had been lying the whole time. I lost all motivation and WW basically said I had done nothing Tell me how I was supposed to "fix us", when she came of out of the gate saying "It's nothing you did, there's something wrong with me, I'll go to counseling." Every new "reason" just drug up old injuries that either A) I didn't know existed or B) I thought we had cleared up years ago... Does she claim emotional abuse from me? Hell yeah she does. According to her I'm completely out of control. I'm responsible for my own actions, but holy crap, anyone staying in a marriage like that would go crazy. If I had known then what I know now (which was really impossible) I would have walked much earlier and avoided all the drama and craziness. I was being pushed beyond my limits, problem was I didn't know what those limits were. Here's a suggestion, if your husband (or anyone really) starts to lose his temper, STOP TALKING! Especially if he wants to disengage... Don't continue pushing some point or trying to resolve stuff right then. I was reading how men especially need more time to cool down. I think it's very true. My wife had a real hard time getting that concept. She thought it was up to her to cool me down =\ wrong... Our counselor was the one who started to get the message to her. One of her biggest complaints was when I would storm out of the house... well I did that because she would follow me around and not give me space to cool down. She even picked the lock on our bedroom door one time when I was trying to get away from her for some cool down time. STUPID. Edited October 26, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
drifter777 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 I know he's hurting really bad,* even knowing I'm not in love with him, I do love him,* and I know he's got deeper feelings for me so it's tougher on him.* As I said, thankfully the arguements or "talks" happen when the kids are sleeping or not home.* He knows lots of details which I hate he knows, (not because he doesn't deserve the truth, but most of the details are sexual and I know that kills him, also that it was a 3 year affair so his mind is wondering about how much, how, when, and just everyday things that did or couldn've gone on between xMM and I),* I read here lots about mind movies and I know that's hard for him to deal with.* * I accept (for now) the way things are going.* He's very verbal in what he thinks about me, then he does talk about trying to deal with this better.* as I said he's never scared me with thoughts of physical violence so I do let him get it out.* * he's also going to start therapy with a psychiatrist (i really think medication would help him) * When I first started here and everyone was saying "tell the BW" I really thougth some of you were crazy.* But now I know you were all right,* I think one thing that does help BSO is that he knows I haven't lied because I gave more details than he figured I ever would have, then talking to xMM BW and realizing how much he was lying to her, and I wasn't has made it a little easier on me, not having to worry if he'll find out something else, or something like that Reading your posts make me sick to my stomach. You say you don't "really" love your SO so why are you putting him through more agony by trying to reconcile? He is not in any emotional condition to make a rational decision due to your betrayal, but you seem at peace with what you did because I guess you feel you were entitled to cheat since your relationship with him is not "fulfilling". Staying for you kids is a weak, lame excuse. Help your SO heal and start a new life by being strong and ending your sham of a relationship.
Author wanting more Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Reading your posts make me sick to my stomach. You say you don't "really" love your SO so why are you putting him through more agony by trying to reconcile? He is not in any emotional condition to make a rational decision due to your betrayal, but you seem at peace with what you did because I guess you feel you were entitled to cheat since your relationship with him is not "fulfilling". Staying for you kids is a weak, lame excuse. Help your SO heal and start a new life by being strong and ending your sham of a relationship. Well please stop reading if it makes you sick. I'm not trying to reconcile. This was said in MC ma ny times. Even he says hes not trying to reconcile. Hes hurt and I understand. He wants to deal with the A and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm NOT at peace with what I did, not even close !! 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Well please stop reading if it makes you sick. I'm not trying to reconcile. This was said in MC ma ny times. Even he says hes not trying to reconcile. Hes hurt and I understand. He wants to deal with the A and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm NOT at peace with what I did, not even close !! What are you doing in MC if you aren't trying to reconcile? You are divorcing? Sounds like what you need is a mediator, and I would separate ASAP.... I certainly wasn't motivated to be all that nice to my ex after the deal was sealed. She destroyed our family and wasn't willing to do the work to take responsibility and fix things. I could hardly care about sparing her feelings after that.
Author wanting more Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 What are you doing in MC if you aren't trying to reconcile? You are divorcing? Sounds like what you need is a mediator' date=' and I would separate ASAP.... I certainly wasn't motivated to be all that nice to my ex after the deal was sealed. She destroyed our family and wasn't willing to do the work to take responsibility and fix things. I could hardly care about sparing her feelings after that.[/quote'] I am taking responsibility and trying to do the best thing for everyone
Darth Vader Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Thank you, kind man! Oh, you don't flirt with me, you give me a hard time (tease me) like most of the men in my life! I really do enjoy you! Your faith in people will return. You know how I know that? Because when I read your posts about your children, you have a real and honest love for them. You have a big heart. Your faith in love is still there, it's just bruised. I don't think a man like you could go long without sharing his love. And I'm always right, just ask h. So....... When's the wedding for you two lovebirds?:lmao: Or should I say, "get a room!"?:lmao: I couldn't resist the Dark Side! It's compelling!
mercy Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 So....... When's the wedding for you two lovebirds?:lmao: Or should I say, "get a room!"?:lmao: I couldn't resist the Dark Side! It's compelling! Oh behave yourself. I'm old enough to be his mum. Come to the light, you can do it.
mercy Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 I am taking responsibility and trying to do the best thing for everyone That you are lass that you are!
Darth Vader Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Oh behave yourself. I'm old enough to be his mum. Come to the light, you can do it. Why? You're not behaving!:lmao: Old enough to be his mom?...... :bunny:Is that what you two are into? (Slaps forehead!):lmao: WELL, I don't know if I want to know! You don't know the power of the Dark Side!
mercy Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Why? You're not behaving!:lmao: Old enough to be his mom?...... :bunny:Is that what you two are into? (Slaps forehead!):lmao: WELL, I don't know if I want to know! You don't know the power of the Dark Side! Now you're being vulgar. So no more responding to you.
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