kirstenshante Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 My husband has a female "best friend"... He used to call her that anyway, until I clarified that I should now be his bestfriend since we got married...so he says his 2nd friend. They were bestfriends all throughout high school, now going on 5 years. We got married and I knew about her. I met her twice. My husband was attracted to her back in school but he said she never liked him that way. While we were dating, I would message her, try to become friends and she would just ignore me. She finally messaged me and said how when we get married she doesn't want there friendship to go away and that she wouldn't want to hurt us or our relationship. Soon after we got married, there was a night when she called him at 10:30 pm to talk about alll her drama and problems! My husband noticed I was mad and told her that we were going to bed. She hung up on him. Now we live very far away from her. A few months ago when my husband and I first moved in together, we were having problems adjusting and everything. Well, he confides in this female friend about our problems through text/phone/webcam. I found that he had told her that he wished he could have went back and waited for her, but he never saw a change in her until he was already gone. He also told her that in 3 years (when we would go back to our hometown) he would want to be with her!... This is all because we were having problems at that time. he blames me also for that. he admitted to everything and he is sorry but he said he won't stop beinng friends with her. He said this is not her fault. he did say though that he will stop talking to her unless she needs help. She texted him one day while he was at work saying "call me please". He called her while he was at work for 30 minutes so she could talk to him about her last breakup with her boyfriend! (she has many guy problems) I also want to say he told her those things 3 months ago when we were having problems and he is happy with everything now. He has even broought up marriage counseling because he doesn't wanna see me crying. I've told him that I feel like he is not caring about my feelings and to fix this problem in our marriage. He said that he works hard for me and get me everything I need so how can he not care about me more than her if he is doing all those things for me. I'm sorry this is so long. Please give advice..
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 The fact that she won't be friends with you is the problem. I am in a relationship and I have male friends, but my partner knows about them and we are all completely open about what we discuss. You need to talk to your husband and explain that his relationship with her is a problem because it excludes you. He is crossing the line and if doesn't see how inappropriate it is, you may have to give him an ultimatum. 4
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Tell your husband it's you or her, he cannot have it both ways. This girl is manipulating and using him and she brings a lot of drama as well. She looks up to him, thinks he's wonderful and all that - Which he eats up! It feeds his ego. If you are willing to follow through on this, tell him to pack a bag and go to her and not to come back. (I doubt he'd leave) That you're not putting up with this crap from him anymore. Ask him how he'd feel if you had a male friend who was doing the exact same thing. I'm sure your H would be jealous, hurt and angry as well. 1
Anelisa Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 This sounds a lot like what I went through in my marriage. This relationship that he has with her is inappropriate and excludes you. He should not be discussing you with her either. If this really does hurt you and you let him know that this hurts you he should stop because you are is wife and he should put you first. This makes me sad, he does this because you allow him to, perhaps because he has made you feel that there's something wrong with you for being uncomfortable with it? I suffered this for years and ended up not saying anything about it and feeling worthless. He eventually, after 16 years of marriage, asked for a divorce, this woman is now his girlfriend. Speak out if it hurts! You deserve better treatment! I wish you well... 1
Solcita2 Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Look, it's REALLY inappropiate of him to say he'll be with her once you go back to your hometown... it means he's just with you because he can't be with her right now. I do think couple's therapy would be a good idea, only if you do want to work things out. AFTER he said those words (going back to her) there's no coming back. She has to go... or you'll always feel like a temporary wife. Stay strong, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THEY BOTH CROSS THE LINE. 3
amaysngrace Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Stay strong, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THEY BOTH CROSS THE LINE. I would put them both in their place...starting with her. Then I'd let him know what I did. If they continue after that then it's game over. I wouldn't cut a deal with them either. They aren't respecting your feelings. Lay down the law, make it nonnegotiable and live by it. 1
2sure Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 No. Hell no.you are 100% in the right here. Not only that, if he doesn't it see it your way...he is bad boundaries. He threw you under the bus, said he wanted and would be with her. Hell no.
ComingInHot Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 If your husband suggested MC, I would absolutely do it! You have told him how you feel & he gets upset at you... that doesn't allow for continued healthy communication. A GOOD counselor will be able to tell him his communications w/this other woman is Wrong & he may hear it better from an outside, professional source. And you SHOULD be jealous for your marriage! It means you care about the vows you took (foresaking all others.) and you love him. If he has really told her in three years he'll come to be w/her then he has already Emotionally cheated & your marriage needs help now!! Kind wishes.. Oh and DO NOT let him get mad at you OR blame you for ANY of his behavior!!
InThePinc Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 This is an awful situation to be in. He shouldn't be talking to her the way he has been. He married you! If he wants her then he needs to be honest with you and **** off back to her. You need to tell them to stay away from each other. A female friend is one thing but a female friend that he told he wants to be with is a completely different story. He crossed the line there and disrespected you and your marriage. I would not trust them after them having that conversation and therefore I would demand that ALL contact stops right now or leave him! 1
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