How do I deal with this situation?

[goldengirl11]

An old male friend of mine has recently texted to ask when I'm free to meet up and tbh I don't know what to say. I know things will turn sexual (the last time I stayed with him it nearly happened when I slept in his bed as there seemed to be no alternative in sleeping arrangements) and I get the impression that he wants to come and visit, which will no doubt end in staying because of the distance (i.e currently about 5 hours away where he's visiting his parents at he mo or further where he lives), but the bottom line is I don't want to feel used.

 

My last two "boyfriends" made me feel this way after going off with someone else, who I admit had tried to stay friends with in the hope they'd change their minds, which didn't work and made me feel like I was nothing but a fallback. I would prefer to go and visit this friend so I'd feel more in control of leaving when I wanted but I can't afford to do this (I am actively jobhunting though), so looks like he will have to come and see me. I feel very uneasy of this and haven't replied to his text for 2 days. I think mainly why I'm hesitant though, is because he has got on his Facebook info that he is in a relationship with another woman who he met on there and who he daily chats away with, which makes me feel jealous!

 

What I'm thinking is that if I sleep with or at least get intimate with him, that he will just think of it as fun afterwards and then carry on his "relationship" with this other woman who, although he hasn't met yet who lives in another country, he has built a sacred connection with, but is taking it slowly and trying to be positive. He also said that he put he was in a relationship (with her) on there mainly out of kindness to her. They are both going through a divorce (with different partners obviously).

 

Many thanks in advance (and sorry for rambling message!).

 

P.S. He says he's looking forward to spoiling me and maybe I could spoil him in one or two ways too (I know what he means).

Edited October 25, 2012 by goldengirl11

[pteromom]

He has in no way promised you that he would be your boyfriend or enter any kind of relationship with you.

 

He wants sex. That's what he wants.

 

If you want that too, then go for it and have fun.

 

If you will feel like crap about yourself afterward if you do it, then DO NOT consent to having sex with him.

 

If you are hoping that sex will lead to a relationship, it won't.

 

So either go into it for NSA sex, or decline the sex.

 

If you want to visit with him but are afraid it will lead to sex, tell him ahead of time that you would love him to visit, but you aren't interested in casual sex, and see what he says. My bet -he decides not to visit.

[goldengirl11]

He has in no way promised you that he would be your boyfriend or enter any kind of relationship with you.

 

He wants sex. That's what he wants.

 

If you want that too, then go for it and have fun.

 

If you will feel like crap about yourself afterward if you do it, then DO NOT consent to having sex with him.

 

If you are hoping that sex will lead to a relationship, it won't.

 

So either go into it for NSA sex, or decline the sex.

 

If you want to visit with him but are afraid it will lead to sex, tell him ahead of time that you would love him to visit, but you aren't interested in casual sex, and see what he says. My bet -he decides not to visit.

 

Thanks for that. I appreciate your advice. Also, when you say that sex wouldn't lead to a relationship with him, you mean mainly because he's talking with this woman?

[pteromom]

Thanks for that. I appreciate your advice. Also, when you say that sex wouldn't lead to a relationship with him, you mean mainly because he's talking with this woman?

 

No - I just mean that if he is coming over to visit you and sleep with you, he isn't thinking in terms of building a relationship.

 

If he wanted a relationship with you, he would be pursuing that NOW.

 

Who knows what is going on with that other woman... only they know.

[goldengirl11]

Will I look stupid though i.e if tell beforehand? I'm just sick of men thinking that they can just have fun with me. I really want a relationship.

[pteromom]

Will I look stupid though i.e if tell beforehand? I'm just sick of men thinking that they can just have fun with me. I really want a relationship.

 

Who cares if you look stupid? It's not about how you are coming across to someone else - it's about being true to yourself. You do what is right for you, and if what is right for you isn't right for him, he'll walk away. And it will hurt. But it will be the best thing for you.