Robert Z Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 If wife would have been up front with me, if she had said that she really had no interest in sex anymore, I would have left fifteen years ago. You don't suppose that's why she lied, do you?
Balzac Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 HaHa! Equity partner seeking to gain larger payout!! Would you ever marry again?
Robert Z Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 HaHa! Equity partner seeking to gain larger payout!! Would you ever marry again? Yes, I have decided that I probably would marry again because I know that about 20% of the women out there don't lose their drive. So if the right woman should come along, my heart is still open. But at the first hint of manipulation, I'm gone. One of the good things about what I've been through is that I've been screwed by the best in every way except how I wanted to be. Between that and my many years of negotiating experience and business dealings, there is no way I would fall for the same bull again. I can generally spot a line of bull a mile away. And the tricks that I once fell for are now as transparent as glass.
Balzac Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Well spoken! Knowledge and experience = power. You've increased your skill set but maintained an open heart and mind.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Decreasing sex drive in 50 year old men is caused primarily by their female peers. One of my coworkers has ED, but im not so sure you can call it a disorder if the person you're trying to get hard for weighs 240 pounds. That is actually a falsely and is a belief made by men that want to take no personal responsibility for themselves or admit defeat to their aging bodies. It is also made by men that are locked within their 12 year old wet dream self and haven't used their sexual life and history to grow themselves or their sexual side in a healthy manner. So they blame their partners and their looks and sexuality for an issue that is actually more his issue than hers. Edited October 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed remark
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 It's tough for me to take his statements about his sex life with his wife at face value. It might be the case, but it might not. I'm not saying he's deliberately lying, but the one common thread among cheating spouses is the desire to blameshift, to justify what they're doing: "you didn't meet my emotional needs", "you didn't do enough of the housework", "you got fat", and "you weren't giving me enough sex". Maybe true, maybe not. You're right. My wife is really a great person, and though she did take "us" for granted and drive me into a frenzy over the fact that I could not change this fact, she has always been a good mother, and has always done a lot of things to make me happy. I grew up rough. I ended up going to college, getting an MS, building a business and becoming moderately successful (last year we made over 320k, which pretty much makes us middle class.. but I deem this successful based on where I started in life). I came from a broken home (my mother was married 5 times, my father divorced 3 times) and the stats were against me from the gate. My wife nurtured me through a lot of **** and I started going to church, became a basic middle class guy. But this was never what I intended for my life. I went this way because she got pregnant my junior year of undergrad, and I did love her so was not willing to walk out. My point here is that I totally agree that I am a selfish jerk with likely sociopathic tendencies to some degree. I also appreciate all the comments .. even the stark and harsh words .. because you are all correct, I truly am a selfish jerk. It breaks my heart to leave my wife, and it kills me that she is now, after all these years of sacrifice and duty, having to go through all of this. I was not looking for this ... I intentions of meeting someone and falling for her. Yes, I know she is young, but I guarantee she loves me. It is not just a 3 month thing ... we have talked every day since last feb on skype, and beginning in July, we have been together nearly every day except when I needed to fly home to see my kids. Yes, she is an extremely beautiful young girl, but she is also a person who is full of love, has had nothing in her life, and would be happy to live in a bamboo shack with me eating nothing but fish and rice every day. Coming back to the US, I hug my wife, who is usually crying these days, and I care about her, I'm so grateful to her, and I don't want to hurt her. But my point here is that I cannot live without this girl. Even now, I am back in the US, and all I want to do is go back to Asia. I still care about my wife and it is killing me .. but I am no longer in "love" with my wife .. and I'm not really attracted to her anymore. She wants to be intimate with me .. .and I am not able because I just don't feel attracted to her. Am I infatuated with the young girl? .. sure ... but there is more to this.. believe me. My wife doesn't want to let me go. I have mentioned divorce and she begs me not to do it. Is it possible for me to have a life with two women? I know that me "not wanting" my wife is hurting her .. and I have told her that she should think about moving on without me ... but she insists she will wait until this infatuation is over. Is it possible that this will happen? I don't know .. but even if I fall out of love with my Mae, how to I become attracted to my wife again? I did not look for this ... I never expected something like this to happen. I was, for the most part, happy in my marriage. It happened because one day I was angry that my wife had, again, sabotaged time we had set aside to be together, and went to a friend's house ... and ended up meeting someone online because he was chatting with his Asian gf. I never wanted this ... and I was always disgusted with men who would ever think of leaving their wives for younger women. I've seen it before .. and I judged them for this ... But now, I cannot find my center .. I cannot feel the damage... I am not able to weigh what I have become (that I used to despise in others) against my need to be with Mae. Believe me, I know the textbook side of this: but with all of this, I still cannot handle waking up every morning back in my middle class suburb .. in the cold weather ... next to my wife. I wake up at night calling out "Mae".
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 That is actually a falsely and is a belief made by men that want to take no personal responsibility for themselves or admit defeat to their aging bodies. It is also made by men that are locked within their 12 year old wet dream self and haven't used their sexual life and history to grow themselves or their sexual side in a healthy manner. So they blame their partners and their looks and sexuality for an issue that is actually more his issue than hers. I would agree with this. I will say that this was not really a problem, even the limited times my wife and I made love ... it was always fantastic. I became frustrated because she was always more concerned with other things than spending time together. It's a typical fight between healthy married couples. My reaction was not to go and find another girl to sleep with. I had no intention of this. But when I saw my friend talking to his asian gf ... I became intrigued .. as any healthy man would. I never expected to actually find myself booking a flight to Asia .. and even after that, I thought perhaps I would only explore and do something I perhaps secretly wanted to try my whole life (but never really entertained the thought for more than a fleeting moments because I was happily married) I was mostly curious when I began chatting with this girl ... but it has turned into something more .. and I can't change how I feel. Manning up and doing what is right sounds easy... and I keep going back over hoping that reallity will begin to set in and I will realize I have made a huge mistake ... but it never happens ... I keep falling more and more in love with this girl. Even if I give up Mae ... (which I can't even imagine doing) how could I ever be with my wife again?
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 i have to wonder if this 22 year old girl would still want to be with a middle aged man with a wife, kids and no job. How are you going to support all of that? Will your 22 year old support you? why would you ask her to tie herself to you like that? If I were your wife, I'd want the truth. Does she know your're getting your jollies with someone else? If not, tell her. Let he make the decision for herself abut what she wants to do with her life. But remember this, sooner or later all your selfish choices are going to come home to roost, and you're going to be facing some pretty tough questions from your children who will want o know why you threw them under. What are you going to tell them? " i gave you all up for a little piece of action"... BTW...we are only getting your side of the story here. i wonder what your wife's side would be if we could ask her? I have a feeling that it may be very different from yours. Good points. My wife knows about the girl. I told her about it only weeks after meeting my gf. As for supporting myself in Asia .. I have already invested in a couple business ventures in Asia .. and have a business here in the states that still generates $$ (which I am giving all to my wife to pay bills ect.). I am inclined to believe you about the "selfish choices coming home to roost" ... but I still don't know how to stop this. Frankly, I'm scared to death about the consequences of these actions. I have an American friend my age who is engaged to one of Mae's friends. He says that nobody can understand until they have actually been with one of these girls and fallen for them. I know this sounds trite ... but there is a truth to this.
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 true... this doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen... my husband tried to tell me we never had sex...Piffle! We were having it ( and still do) almost every day, but he needed to rationalize his actions so he didn't feel like the bad guy... I certainly don't want to rationalize anything about my behavior. I might do that if I were face to face with someone I know, but the reason I came here is for answers, and I know I won't get them unless I am brutally honest about myself and my situation. My wife and I did have sex .. and she almost never refused me. But she did lie to me about some things, and she did neglect our relationship to an extent (and believe me, I know that it was not more than most 20+ spouses do ... however not always on purpose). But I did try to tell her many times that there was a problem .. and she did promise to fix it .. but then would always have something that would preclude her from coming to bed .. or going away together, or being there in the morning when we woke up ... etc. She is a dedicated person for the most part, but she is also, like everyone, sometimes selfish about her time and put her hobbies in front of our time together. Again, she is a great wife and the problems were not atypical. I am NOT blaming her at all. It is my boat ... and I'm willing to row it. I don't know if anything anyone says here will make a difference ... but at least I will have some opinions from people who know the honest truth about what I am doing .. and why.
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 I do agree that we each only have one life in which to find happiness. And I definitely believe that someone should not stay in an unhappy marriage just because that is what they think they should do. But that doesn't mean that he should just be foolhardy about it. That he should sacrifice his family, his job, and his entire life for a fantasy in his head. Granted. But this has become more than a fantasy, at least I believe it has ... though there is always the possibility that I've totally lost my mind and cannot see the truth here .... I know this girl loves me ... it is not money. I tried to break off with her several times ... I even offered her more money than her entire village has seen or will see in their entire lives ... to just let me leave to go back home (I laid the money on the bed in wrapped bundles .. yes part of me wanted to test her .. but part of me was really trying to do the right thing and leave). She began to cry ... deep soul wrenching sobs .... fell at my feet and begged me not to leave her. She told me (I actually speak her language) that she did not care about anything, money, or anything ... just as long as I would not leave her. This, by the way, was not the first time I tried this with her. I built her parents a new house (something uncommon as most of them live in wood/palm huts) and purchased a business for her .... in her name. Then a week later, offered her what would amount to a fortune by her standards .... partly because I was planning on trying to leave and wanted her to be well off for the rest of her life ... and partly because I really wanted to know if she would accept my leaving her. She again cried and begged me not to leave her. She said that it was ok if I stayed married to a woman here in the States ... she even said that it was ok if I had to go back to the US on occasion to see my family. She only asked that I did not break up with her. I am not her first foreign bf, and the other two left her. Yes, I know she wants to eventually marry and hopes that I will divorce so that I can do this ... but she will not insist on this ... she only asks that I don't leave her. She is so full of love, and only wants to be loved. It is all she cares about. I have seen her interact with young children, her love for handicapped people, her complete overwhelming joy and excitement from just having the opportunity to cuddle with me (this is something I could not describe in words ... like a child on Christmas morning every time I am getting ready to climb into bed to cuddle with her... and no I'm not talking about sex). I have no reason to lie or embellish in any way. I am not trying to score any points with anyone here. I have only one agenda .. and that is to help someone gain understanding about the situation I am in so that I might, in some small way, gather some greater insight for myself. Everything (except for the names) has been completely truthful. I have only changed names and places slightly because I am not interested in having someone we know see all the details of my blatant honesty (and yes, it is possible that my daughter might come to a forum such as this hoping to find answers to the question of why her Father is leaving her mother for an Asian girl half his age.. yes, she already knows, but I'd rather she not read all the hurtful details at this point) I don't know what else I can say. I have tried to be as honest as I can. I accept all the things that you and others here might think of me with gratitude ... it is the reason I am here.
Author colorforce Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Sadly, this ulimately does seem to be what matters to alot of men. And if men aren't actually leaving their partners for 22 year olds, they are oggling them or masturbating to them in one form or another and living the "fantasy". So once again, a woman isn't worth very much in this world. Even to the man who's kids she bore. I hope you will understand that this is not who I was. I never craved sex with another, particularly someone younger than my daughter. When presented with this, I admit I was curious, but it was not something I fantasized about. I do admit that I had some curiosity about Asian women when I was younger and single. Perhaps that was what fostered my actions on the day I first spoke to Mae. A big part of why I spoke to her was the result of feeling powerless to change the actions of my wife ... because she had promised to change her behavior so many many times .. and never did and I had tried every way possible to communicate my frustration with her. I would not have been there had I not been out of answers on that. However, having said that, what followed was not my wife's fault. Yes, she must share responsibility for the precipitating event that made me leave the house in a fit of anger the morning she sabotaged a day we had set aside to be together ... and she deeply regrets her decision to do what she did that day ... and says that she knows she messed up by doing the same kind of thing ... many times and ignoring my pleas to change and spend more time together, but she is not responsible for my infidelity. That is all my doing. I know her moderate neglect did not warrant where I am now.
Taramere Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I wouldn't call you a bad person, but you do sound like an absolute train wreck. If I were your wife I think I would be encouraging you to go back to China. Raising a family has got to be difficult enough, without the added problem of a husband who's an emotional mess and who develops adolescent crushes on 22 year old women. From the sound of things, you've got embroiled with the girl in China to an extent that you're not capable of detaching from...and are now in the role of rescuer. It's a role I'm pretty confident you'll live to regret over and over again...especially as you don't sound stable enough to fulfil that role in a stoical manner once the excitement of lust and all the associated drama has passed. The obvious advice is for you to seek counselling, but my guess is that you will follow your out of control emotions and continue to get further immersed in this very destructive and foolish drama. 1
Robert Z Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 who develops adolescent crushes on 22 year old women. So you completely dismiss the idea of love? If so, why? How can you know?
Taramere Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 So you completely dismiss the idea of love? If so, why? How can you know? I can't know, but if I were invited to place a bet on how this is going to turn out in the long run then I would be putting my money on "very badly". He just doesn't sound clear headed and rational about this at all...and people rarely make good long term decisions when they're in that state.
Robert Z Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 I can't know, but if I were invited to place a bet on how this is going to turn out in the long run then I would be putting my money on "very badly". He just doesn't sound clear headed and rational about this at all...and people rarely make good long term decisions when they're in that state. And how many people in love sound rational? 1
Taramere Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) And how many people in love sound rational? Lots, I would say. Genuine emotion and rationality are not mutually exclusive. "Emotional intelligence" is the popular term, where they co-exist. Edited October 28, 2012 by Taramere
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Why don't you leave your wife and go with your Asian booty call, she AND YOUR CHILDREN deserve so much better than you can give them. Before you leave though make sure that you leave your wife a huge chunk of your money, the house the car etc.. I think she has earned it for being married to you for as long as she has. 2
Taramere Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 This is a good, sympathetic examination of the mid-life crisis... Midlife Crisis, Stress and Depression My feeling about it generally is that it's more likely to affect people who have gone through their lives not knowing themselves very well. Perhaps not having a very strong sense of identity, putting a lot of effort into being something that isn't true to their real nature. Maybe they missed out on the passion/infatuation associated with youth and therefore never learned to distinguish between those feelings and more stable emotions connected with calmness and happiness (as opposed to stimulation). Or perhaps they remember back to that time and yearn to recreate it...even if a middle aged person returning to adolescence seems somewhat ridiculous to others. I think anybody who's contemplating making major life changing decisions - leaving a spouse (and other family members), giving up a job, moving to another country etc, could probably benefit from discussing it with a counsellor before making those drastic decisions. A good counsellor won't judge, but they will encourage rational thinking. That's not necessarily something this board encourages. People have their own fears and issues that get in the way of advice giving. Some might be fearful of the prospect of their own spouses developing a midlife crisis that results in this kind of transformation, others might be struggling with their own midlife crisis and anxious to portray it as something less cliched and more romantic. This doesn't sound like anything close to the secure, happy feeling associated with love...but it does sound like the extreme highs and lows associated with infatuation. Which is fine when you're very young and have little to lose...but the older a person gets, the more something like that can seriously screw up their life, future and the things they've spent a lifetime building. OP...one question. In your efforts to rescue this young woman and set her up with a better life, have you put yourself into debt?
stillafool Posted October 28, 2012 Posted October 28, 2012 Why don't you leave your wife and go with your Asian booty call, she AND YOUR CHILDREN deserve so much better than you can give them. Before you leave though make sure that you leave your wife a huge chunk of your money, the house the car etc.. I think she has earned it for being married to you for as long as she has. I completely agree. Your problem seems pretty easy to solve OP. Just divorce and do what's right by your children. Marry your Asian and be happy. Why aren't you in the process of a divorce? Yes you wife will hurt but she will heal and move on to another man. What you are doing now is very selfish. End it already.
GorillaTheater Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 So what's your plan at this point, Colorforce?
BetheButterfly Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I'm going to start by being honest here .. because I don't think I've been totally honest with anyone about much lately. I'm a 45 yr old man who has been happily married to a wife slightly older than myself for over 20 years. We have two children, one is grown the other is a teenager .... whom I love very much. My wife is an attractive, funny, generous person whom I have loved with all my heart for many years. But during the last few years she we have fought because she had been wrapped up in everything except making time for us to be together. There were many times that we set aside to be together only to find that she wanted to be somewhere else. Anyway, the short story is that I ended up at a friend's house one day, after being frustrated with the lack of intimacy in my marriage, while he was talking to his girlfriend half his age ... turns out he was divorced (I had not seen him in about 10 years prior to that day) meeting a few girls online with suddenly I began thinking differently about my marriage. I was not looking for something like this ... I had no desire to meet anyone else .. I was only frustrated and angry .. feeling powerless to change anything in my marriage. Skip forward a year: I just returned from China for the 3rd time (spending a month each time), being with the 22 yr old girl that I met online back in Feb. I met her in Person in July ... and I have to say that I am crazy about her. Granted, we don't have the discussions or share the things my wife and I shared ... but (and please .. I know this sounds very shallow) when we are making love ... it is the most amazing thing I have ever had in my life. Every time I see this girl's face .. photo .. or in person ... my heart does flip flops. The bottom line is that I'm nuts about a young girl I'm having an affair with ... I've taken leave from my work .. and am considering resigning from a great job . I'm risking losing everything ... but I cannot stop myself ... I need this girl ... I can't stand to be away from her for even a day. I care about my wife .. but I'm no longer physically attracted to her ... I miss my children when I'm away .. but I cannot help how I'm feeling. I thought it might just be a passing thing .. but we are talking about 8 months now ... and I can't imagine my life without my little Asian love. It's killing me that my wife is hurting. She wants nothing more than to have me back. But if you could see pictures of this girl I'm seeing ... and know how happy she makes me ... she is completely single minded ... her only goal every day is to make me happy. Let me say at the onset that I know I'm an ******* ... I know already that I'm a total selfish prick and I hate myself for this. I also know that the fact this girl is less than half my age is probably disgusting to everyone in America. In Asia .. it's a different world ... and I know I'm enamored with the whole concept ... reliving my youth .. al that stuff. I also fear that God is angry with me .. or at the last disappointed .. and I'm also concerned for my children .. particularly my son .. who needs me home. But I'm seriously messed up over this .. and cannot stop. Being here in America ... the entire time I'm here all I can think about is getting back to Mae Ling .... my girl. Maybe I'm being silly coming online and expecting advice or answers that will only tell me what I already know .. .basically that I need to grow up .. or whatever, but I'm willing to listen to anyone on this. I don't know that anything anyone says will change my behavior .. but I have to at least try. I'm desperate .. and I have not had peace of mind in a almost a year. You fell into a trap that has in turn hurt people you love, including this young lady. I am so sorry. What you need to do is care for all of these people: your wife who loves you, your children who need their father, your new lover who (from what I read) cries at the thought of losing you. Man... what a web You really need to ask all of them for forgiveness and find a way to work it out. I personally would advise divorce. However, it seems your wife doesn't at the moment want to let you go? If I was in her situation, you would have been divorced already. I wouldn't tolerate adultery or beg for you to stay and love me. No. I would forgive but I would no longer be in the marriage, since the marriage covenant would be broken, dishonored, corrupted, no longer pure and good. It would be like sewer water, instead of sparkling clean spring water. I feel so sorry for your kids. If my Dad ever did this, it would shock me to smithereens. I would be so mad and it would be hard to forgive him because I hold my Dad up to a very high standard, since I believe he is worthy of that high standard. I feel sorry for the 22 year old girl. I wonder why she decided to be with you. I wonder about her life story. I wonder why her parents didn't chew you out (my parents would be LIVID if I were in her shoes). However, my parents do not live in a poor village in China... I feel so sad for her. She does need help. I really hope this 22 year old finds a wonderful man who loves her and who doesn't already have a wife he promised to love... if you love her, you would also want for her to have the best. At the moment, the best is not a married man who has dishonored his vows to his wife. You need to get that area of your life taken care of. If that includes divorcing your wife in spite of her pain, or seeing about if she is "ok" with you having a lover while still being married to her, you need to talk with her about that. However, from what it sounds like, she is hurting so bad... I would be LIVID if my Mom were hurting so bad on the account of my Dad.
Quiet Storm Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) You have to put these feelings that you are having about Mae in context. "Love" creates the same type of endorphins and chemicals in your brain that drugs do. It's not love. It's a dopamine chemical reaction. A person that uses crack cocaine for the first time does not anticipate throwing their entire life away for the feelings that the drug creates. But once those endorphins & chemicals take hold, their entire life becomes about chasing that high. They think about crack, crave crack, find ways to get crack, hurt people to get crack....you get the picture. They REALLY love crack. The drug makes them feel good, but that fact alone doesn't mean that the drug is healthy or right for them. You don't love Mae. You love the way Mae makes you feel. Mae is your crack. Your thoughts and actions are no different than a crackhead that justifies stealing from their parents to feed their habit. You are willing to hurt your wife and your children, you are willing to give up your job and everything you've worked for...for a FEELING. Do you not see how selfish and destructive that is? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. YOU ARE AN ADDICT. Edited November 1, 2012 by Quiet Storm 2
venusianx13 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) I'm grateful that I had the chance to walk away from my ex-fiance of 5+ years, after he cheated on me with a Chinese girl during his 3 month internship in Sichuan. I'm sad that your wife/kids don't have that "easy" out. ...churns my stomach... Edited November 2, 2012 by venusianx13 1
PinkSapphire Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I lived in Thailand for a year. Saw a lot of these relationships, met a lot of the old, divorced, re-married or dating-the-young-Thai, Western men. This illusion is definitely not what it seems, and the China girl (mae ling) is a master at making "rich" White men feel like kings. They easily fool a lot of men, multi-"dating" them at the same time, and using up their money though not right away - that is the long-term plan. Then, she will get with her Asian boyfriend, murder or make the White man disappear, after his money is all gone. That is what this is about. Again, you will deny, deny, deny because they are MASTERS at this seduction. yes, she fills your refrigerator with groceries every week (at first), yes, seh cleans your place, yes, the sex is awesome and constant....AT FIRST. You will probably not listen because you are thinking with the wrong body part, but... You ahve been warned. (I wish I was making this up, but I have seen it over and over and over...)
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 5, 2012 Posted November 5, 2012 From your opening post, I'm not getting the impression that you offer much to your wife or kids. So, carry on. They'll be just fine. Check back with us a year after you've quit your job to move to China to be with your girlfriend! Will you be bringing enough money to support the two of you as well as make significant contributions to her extended family? I mean, after your division of marital assets? I hope so. Have fun, and I hope your wife ends up with a wonderful man who helps her feel all the things she's been missing in her marriage with you! And, cool story bro! 1
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