I fully admit I'm a bad person.. but

[colorforce]

I'm going to start by being honest here .. because I don't think I've been totally honest with anyone about much lately.

 

I'm a 45 yr old man who has been happily married to a wife slightly older than myself for over 20 years. We have two children, one is grown the other is a teenager .... whom I love very much.

 

My wife is an attractive, funny, generous person whom I have loved with all my heart for many years. But during the last few years she we have fought because she had been wrapped up in everything except making time for us to be together. There were many times that we set aside to be together only to find that she wanted to be somewhere else.

 

Anyway, the short story is that I ended up at a friend's house one day, after being frustrated with the lack of intimacy in my marriage, while he was talking to his girlfriend half his age ... turns out he was divorced (I had not seen him in about 10 years prior to that day) meeting a few girls online with suddenly I began thinking differently about my marriage. I was not looking for something like this ... I had no desire to meet anyone else .. I was only frustrated and angry .. feeling powerless to change anything in my marriage.

 

 

Skip forward a year: I just returned from China for the 3rd time (spending a month each time), being with the 22 yr old girl that I met online back in Feb. I met her in Person in July ... and I have to say that I am crazy about her. Granted, we don't have the discussions or share the things my wife and I shared ... but (and please .. I know this sounds very shallow) when we are making love ... it is the most amazing thing I have ever had in my life. Every time I see this girl's face .. photo .. or in person ... my heart does flip flops. The bottom line is that I'm nuts about a young girl I'm having an affair with ... I've taken leave from my work .. and am considering resigning from a great job . I'm risking losing everything ... but I cannot stop myself ... I need this girl ... I can't stand to be away from her for even a day.

 

I care about my wife .. but I'm no longer physically attracted to her ... I miss my children when I'm away .. but I cannot help how I'm feeling. I thought it might just be a passing thing .. but we are talking about 8 months now ... and I can't imagine my life without my little Asian love.

 

It's killing me that my wife is hurting. She wants nothing more than to have me back. But if you could see pictures of this girl I'm seeing ... and know how happy she makes me ... she is completely single minded ... her only goal every day is to make me happy.

 

Let me say at the onset that I know I'm an ******* ... I know already that I'm a total selfish prick and I hate myself for this. I also know that the fact this girl is less than half my age is probably disgusting to everyone in America. In Asia .. it's a different world ... and I know I'm enamored with the whole concept ... reliving my youth .. al that stuff. I also fear that God is angry with me .. or at the last disappointed .. and I'm also concerned for my children .. particularly my son .. who needs me home. But I'm seriously messed up over this .. and cannot stop. Being here in America ... the entire time I'm here all I can think about is getting back to Mae Ling .... my girl.

 

Maybe I'm being silly coming online and expecting advice or answers that will only tell me what I already know .. .basically that I need to grow up .. or whatever, but I'm willing to listen to anyone on this. I don't know that anything anyone says will change my behavior .. but I have to at least try.

 

I'm desperate .. and I have not had peace of mind in a almost a year.

[GorillaTheater]

Let me say at the onset that I know I'm an ******* ... I know already that I'm a total selfish prick

 

Good. That'll save me keystrokes.

 

There's a logical part of you that knows you're in the process of irretrievably f*cking up your life. That you've strapped yourself into a greased rocket sled and are taking an express trip into an erupting volcano. You know that you're destroying your wife, likely your kids, and most definitely yourself. But that logical part's not getting much a voice because it's being choked out by endorphins.

 

This ain't a movie you're watching, this is real life with real irreversable consequences. You think you have a future with some chick half your age on another continent? You're going to quit your job? Divorce your wife? F*ck up your kids (who'll likely hate you for it)? Is this the guy you want to be? Some weak POS willing to throw away everything for a mirage?

 

You're here, so I don't think so. You know what the right thing to do is. I'm not even telling you to go back to your wife. What I'm telling you is that you need to break it off with China Girl and get your head on straight before you make any decisions that can't be taken back.

 

But think about this: your wife wants you back. For now. One day soon she won't anymore; she'll decide that it would be foolish to let you destroy two lives and she'll get on with hers. What are you going to do then?

[pteromom]

So you are willing to LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN to be with this girl? If so, then just go. They are better off without you.

 

Look, I get that emotion is a powerful thing, but you are letting your emotions rule you and not using logic AT ALL.

 

1. You have no idea what it would be like in a long-term relationship with this girl. You escape to her and you live in a world of passion and romance and no responsibility. This has nothing to do with real life.

 

2. You have spent a total of three months with her. You have no idea who she really is, what she wants out of life, or how good she would be as a long-term partner. Actually, at 22, SHE doesn't yet know any of these things herself.

 

3. You are 45 and she is 22. Does she want children? Do you? Does she realize if she has a child with you when she is 30, that you will be 70 (if still alive) by the time that child graduates high school? Does she realize that you are willing to walk out on the children you already have?

 

4. Do you really think her goal of only making you happy every day is sustainable long-term? I guarantee that in time, that will fade, and she'll also want to do things that make HER happy, as it should be.

 

5. Do you realize what this is going to do to your children? You are going to blow everything you have built with them. You are going to throw away everything they know of you, and become instead "the guy who left his family for a 22 year old Chinese girl." They are going to HATE YOU. And they will likely never accept your new girlfriend, so in choosing her, you will be choosing to walk away from them.

 

You are gonna do what you are gonna do. And if this is really what you want, you just need to rip the bandaid off and go, rather than prolonging your wife's pain.

 

But what I would do in your situation is instead let YOURSELF feel the pain. Cut ties to that sweet little 22 year old, and go let her find a life with someone with common age and goals, and reinvest yourself in your wife and family.

[Balzac]

Firstly, welcome to LS. Secondly, few among this crowd are "bad people" it's more about the quality of decisions. Dump it here and prepare for some bashing. The folks here offer depth and breadth of experience.

 

Vent here and hope to learn.

[Robert Z]

I'm going to start by being honest here .. because I don't think I've been totally honest with anyone about much lately.

 

I'm a 45 yr old man who has been happily married to a wife slightly older than myself for over 20 years. We have two children, one is grown the other is a teenager .... whom I love very much.

 

My wife is an attractive, funny, generous person whom I have loved with all my heart for many years. But during the last few years she we have fought because she had been wrapped up in everything except making time for us to be together. There were many times that we set aside to be together only to find that she wanted to be somewhere else.

 

Anyway, the short story is that I ended up at a friend's house one day, after being frustrated with the lack of intimacy in my marriage, while he was talking to his girlfriend half his age ... turns out he was divorced (I had not seen him in about 10 years prior to that day) meeting a few girls online with suddenly I began thinking differently about my marriage. I was not looking for something like this ... I had no desire to meet anyone else .. I was only frustrated and angry .. feeling powerless to change anything in my marriage.

 

 

Skip forward a year: I just returned from China for the 3rd time (spending a month each time), being with the 22 yr old girl that I met online back in Feb. I met her in Person in July ... and I have to say that I am crazy about her. Granted, we don't have the discussions or share the things my wife and I shared ... but (and please .. I know this sounds very shallow) when we are making love ... it is the most amazing thing I have ever had in my life. Every time I see this girl's face .. photo .. or in person ... my heart does flip flops. The bottom line is that I'm nuts about a young girl I'm having an affair with ... I've taken leave from my work .. and am considering resigning from a great job . I'm risking losing everything ... but I cannot stop myself ... I need this girl ... I can't stand to be away from her for even a day.

 

I care about my wife .. but I'm no longer physically attracted to her ... I miss my children when I'm away .. but I cannot help how I'm feeling. I thought it might just be a passing thing .. but we are talking about 8 months now ... and I can't imagine my life without my little Asian love.

 

It's killing me that my wife is hurting. She wants nothing more than to have me back. But if you could see pictures of this girl I'm seeing ... and know how happy she makes me ... she is completely single minded ... her only goal every day is to make me happy.

 

Let me say at the onset that I know I'm an ******* ... I know already that I'm a total selfish prick and I hate myself for this. I also know that the fact this girl is less than half my age is probably disgusting to everyone in America. In Asia .. it's a different world ... and I know I'm enamored with the whole concept ... reliving my youth .. al that stuff. I also fear that God is angry with me .. or at the last disappointed .. and I'm also concerned for my children .. particularly my son .. who needs me home. But I'm seriously messed up over this .. and cannot stop. Being here in America ... the entire time I'm here all I can think about is getting back to Mae Ling .... my girl.

 

Maybe I'm being silly coming online and expecting advice or answers that will only tell me what I already know .. .basically that I need to grow up .. or whatever, but I'm willing to listen to anyone on this. I don't know that anything anyone says will change my behavior .. but I have to at least try.

 

I'm desperate .. and I have not had peace of mind in a almost a year.

 

I was in a bad marriage and was deprived of sex for a decade. So my situation is different. But I do know this. There is no sense in making yourself miserable until you die. Fact is that, imo, marriage is a set up that vicitimizes men. The majority of women lose their drive but most men don't. Then we are expected to just deal with it. Is is fair that when one partner loses their drive the other is expected to live like a priest? Hell no!!! And I don't think any man should stand for this. It is inhuman. It is wrong. And it is devastating to the man. If you were so easily led astray without agonizing over it for weeks or months, or years, like I did, then you must know that the problems at home are more than superficial.

 

I make regular visits to Nevada and now see one girl regularly who is also 22 years old. In fact I just got back from my little heaven on earth. In every way that matters it has given me a new life - one that I love. Before I started this I was so desperaste and lonely that nearly committed suicide. No marriage and no one is worth that. And this girl also makes my heart do flps. So I can completely understand how you feel.

 

I can only suggest that you be brutally honest with yourself and figure out what you really want. And remember that you only get one chance at life. So make the most of it.

[pteromom]

And this girl also makes my heart do flps. So I can completely understand how you feel.

 

The big difference, of course, is that he is married and you are not.

 

You are free to sleep with anyone you wish. (Although your situation is also different since you pay to sleep with the girls you sleep with and aren't trying to build a future with them.)

[Robert Z]

The big difference, of course, is that he is married and you are not.

 

You are free to sleep with anyone you wish. (Although your situation is also different since you pay to sleep with the girls you sleep with and aren't trying to build a future with them.)

 

True. I was also going to say something about recogizing that this can all seem great on the surface but sooner or later the real woman will emerge. Only then can you make an informed decision. Us old guys are probably more prone to infatuation with beautiful young women than are younger men.

 

But I still maintain that no man should sacrifice his life for an idea. If you aren't happy, then change things. Maybe divorce is the best option. You can still be a good father.

[pteromom]

If you aren't happy, then change things.

 

I do agree that we each only have one life in which to find happiness.

 

And I definitely believe that someone should not stay in an unhappy marriage just because that is what they think they should do.

 

But that doesn't mean that he should just be foolhardy about it. That he should sacrifice his family, his job, and his entire life for a fantasy in his head.

[Robert Z]

But that doesn't mean that he should just be foolhardy about it. That he should sacrifice his family, his job, and his entire life for a fantasy in his head.

 

The real question is whether or not this is a fantasy. I'm certainly not in a position to make that judgment, are you?

[pteromom]

The real question is whether or not this is a fantasy. I'm certainly not in a position to make that judgment, are you?

 

It IS a fantasy. He's spent three 1-month trips with her. He doesn't know what real day-to-day life dealing with bills and jobs and child support and chores will be like with her.

 

That doesn't mean that life with her couldn't be wonderful. BUT - he doesn't know yet whether or not it would be. Hence, everything he is deciding now is based on a fantasy.

[Robert Z]

It IS a fantasy. He's spent three 1-month trips with her. He doesn't know what real day-to-day life dealing with bills and jobs and child support and chores will be like with her.

 

That doesn't mean that life with her couldn't be wonderful. BUT - he doesn't know yet whether or not it would be. Hence, everything he is deciding now is based on a fantasy.

 

One almost never knows what they are really getting into before marriage. Hence the expression, "when the honeymoon ends..." There is no way for us to know his or her heart. If you believe in true love, then you have to allow for the possibility. And worst of all in a sense, true love is blind.

 

But I would bet a week of dates with my lovely that this is just infatuation. Not because I know, but based on the odds.

 

I saw a lot of girls before one stood out as being truly special to me. But in a sense several stole my heart right away. I find that it is all but impossible to be with a young beautiful woman without feeling tugs at the heart strings.

Edited October 26, 2012 by Robert Z

[GorillaTheater]

I'd say go for it OP, no person or relationship is worth sacrificing your happiness over.

 

The question as I see it is a choice between happiness in the short term vs. the long term. Both he and I are well past the age where it makes any kind of sense to let his dick do the driving; there's alot at stake here and I hope he would at least think this through with his other, more reasonable, head. Colorforce has gotten at least a couple of different views, it's up to him to make the choice.

 

I hope he comes back.

[Hawaii50]

 

Let me say at the onset that I know I'm an ******* ...

 

Welcome to LS *******

 

My only advice is to only sabotage one piece of your life at a time... ie; quit your job, shatter your wife, or leave your kids in the dirt, but not all three at once at a your going away party to the Republic of fkin' China.

 

You are selfish, and I can't even say that your are in a smart way.. you have no idea what you're doing. I could call your "Asian girl" right now and probably buy her out from under you. Not sure how you've come this far in life only to be this distracted for a piece of booty Made in China (Which isn't even the best Asian).

 

Anyways.. You'll get what you deserve in the end, and so will your family. You might as well write them out of your life too, I would speak with member of my family who did that, especially my father. And all for a little Asian girl. jebus that boils me.

 

have a nice life, dude.

 

:mad::mad:

[GorillaTheater]

This girl specifically doesn't matter in the least. The problem is the lack of intimacy that has been corroding the relationship between the OP and his wife ( and millions like them, marriage cake is still digesting and the sex drive starts drying out ). That relationship is done now, his children are more or less grown up and he should go for his own happiness.

 

It's tough for me to take his statements about his sex life with his wife at face value. It might be the case, but it might not. I'm not saying he's deliberately lying, but the one common thread among cheating spouses is the desire to blameshift, to justify what they're doing: "you didn't meet my emotional needs", "you didn't do enough of the housework", "you got fat", and "you weren't giving me enough sex". Maybe true, maybe not.

[Robert Z]

It's tough for me to take his statements about his sex life with his wife at face value. It might be the case, but it might not. I'm not saying he's deliberately lying, but the one common thread among cheating spouses is the desire to blameshift, to justify what they're doing: "you didn't meet my emotional needs", "you didn't do enough of the housework", "you got fat", and "you weren't giving me enough sex". Maybe true, maybe not.

 

Not that this applies to me because I never cheated, but I have to think any cheating husband definitively has a legitimate issue. Otherwise he wouldn't be cheating. Either he isn't cut our for manogamy, or his wife doesn't satisfy him, or he is unhappy with the marriage. It doesn't really matter what rationalization he uses. The fact is that unless this is a limited situation where he feels true remorse, perhaps a rare moment of weakness brought on by circumstance. he probably wanted to cheat, and that means that something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Keep in mind that as you age, your sexual drive will lessen until your dick stops working all together.

 

Does miss China, who probably barely speaks English has enough other qualities to sustain a relationship without sex? Do you think that young miss China wouldn't want to have sex with some hot young stud as your money runs dry on paying child support - and she finds zero use for you?

 

You sound like you are having mid life crisis and would benefit from seeing a shrink.

[Robert Z]

Keep in mind that as you age, your sexual drive will lessen until your dick stops working all together.

 

Not true if you are relatively healthy and take care of yourself. Men can remain active into their 80s, and so can women. Just ask anyone who has run a nursing home.

 

You sound like you are having mid life crisis and would benefit from seeing a shrink.

 

I think the entire notion of a mid life crisis is complete bull doo doo. It is just a name created to avoid recognizing that marriage doesn't really work well for a lot of men... especially when the wife loses her drive. Rather than admitting that this situation is unacceptable to men and they aren't happy, we give it a name and pretend it's some kind of mental condition.

 

It is just masked sexism that denies the needs of men.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

No doubt the shrink will tell him to go beat some drums and do breathing exercises and everything will be all better. Been there done that. What a total load of crap!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Not true if you are relatively healthy and take care of yourself. Men can remain active into their 80s, and so can women. Just ask anyone who has run a nursing home.

 

 

 

I think the entire notion of a mid life crisis is complete bull doo doo. It is just a name created to avoid recognizing that marriage doesn't really work well for a lot of men... especially when the wife loses her drive. Rather than admitting that this situation is unacceptable to men and they aren't happy, we give it a name and pretend it's some kind of mental condition.

 

It is just masked sexism that denies the needs of men.

 

I disagree. Women can have mid life crisis too that include affairs at al, just read this board.

 

As for marriage being a con for men, I again disagree. More often than not, women do the majority of household chores (often while working and taking care of the children). Women are actually a lot worse off. A study was recently done in Australia on married couples, and it was found that women do twice as much work around the house than men.

 

It's never gonna be enough for men though. A live in maid is not enough, they need a sex slave too or they will look elsewhere

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Not that this applies to me because I never cheated, but I have to think any cheating husband definitively has a legitimate issue. Otherwise he wouldn't be cheating. Either he isn't cut our for manogamy, or his wife doesn't satisfy him, or he is unhappy with the marriage. It doesn't really matter what rationalization he uses. The fact is that unless this is a limited situation where he feels true remorse, perhaps a rare moment of weakness brought on by circumstance. he probably wanted to cheat, and that means that something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage.

 

Relationships have an ebb and flow to them. There will be issues and there will be good times. The husband has a legitimate issue when his needs aren't being met in his current relationship and he's articulated that to his partner and she hasn't worked on it. But he doesn't have a legimate reason to cheat. As an adult, he can navigate out of that relationship and move on to another one to find what he is missing by ending the previous relationship. You are over justifying and excusing his behavior. And confusing the legitimacy of his issue with the "legitimacy" of his behavior. His issue is legimiate, his behavior isn't.

 

I also found it interesting how you blamed the wife for his cheating but then said something very causually about how maybe he just isn't monoagmous. At what point is the man actually responsible for his own cheating? If the wife isn't giving him something he needs and he cheats, only he is responsible. If the wife isn't giving him something he needs and he's articulated that and nothing still changes and he decides to end the relationship, then that's her fault. But his cheating isn't her fault. Much too often when men cheat in relationships, the woman is blamed..she stopped having sex, she got fat, she stopped doing this or doing that. But men aren't communication experts and rarely do men articulate their feelings well enough for a woman to understand what is going on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Of course, even if there was sex, the wife will never have the body of a 22 year old.

 

The body she used to give birth to HIS children. Too bad his dick wants what the dick wants

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Colorforce, your post is heartbreaking for the people in your life that actually care about you.

 

You want to be with a 22 year old girl over your own wife and children. Over your own job. I'm not really sure what to tell you. I kind of get the impression that you are looking for "permission" to assuage your guilt. That you really want to believe that it's some case of "true love" with this girl because then it would make it okay in your mind's eye. You see your buddy with his young girlfriend and you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head. You clearly understand yourself well enough to know what you are doing is selfish.

 

What kind of man do you want to teach your family you are? What kind of man do you want to be for your children? The kind that abadons his family for a 22 year old girl in another country? A girl that probably isn't much older than your own child.

 

You aren't happy in your relationship with your wife? Okay. We get it. She is old and boring and this new girl is young and new. Men like young and new. So then just go with that. Go for the young and new. But at 22, that girl is going to change a lot in the next 5 years.

 

I think the fact that you have focused on how this girl seems to only want to make *you* happy speeks of the depth of your personal selfishness. Not to mention that you are considering leaving your children and trading in your wife for a younger version. Dude, you are simply very selfish. You want what you want and you don't really care who you hurt in the process. So you know what? Go be with that girl. Then come back in 5 years and let us know how that worked out for you. You're wife will probably be remarried to another man and your young girlfriend will probably have broken up with you for someone that's only a few years older than herself instead of a coupel decades.

 

I don't get why men are so foolish sometimes. This goes to show how important youth is to a lot of men vs any form of parenthood or husbandhood.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Of course, even if there was sex, the wife will never have the body of a 22 year old.

 

The body she used to give birth to HIS children. Too bad his dick wants what the dick wants

 

Sadly, this ulimately does seem to be what matters to alot of men. And if men aren't actually leaving their partners for 22 year olds, they are oggling them or masturbating to them in one form or another and living the "fantasy". So once again, a woman isn't worth very much in this world. Even to the man who's kids she bore.

[Robert Z]

I disagree. Women can have mid life crisis too that include affairs at al, just read this board.

 

Okay, so marriage doesn't work well in the long term for many women either. With a 50% divorce rate, that's no surprise.

 

As for marriage being a con for men, I again disagree. More often than not, women do the majority of household chores (often while working and taking care of the children). Women are actually a lot worse off. A study was recently done in Australia on married couples, and it was found that women do twice as much work around the house than men.

 

It's never gonna be enough for men though. A live in maid is not enough, they need a sex slave too or they will look elsewhere

 

Household chores? Please. What a joke. I normally did most of them. Her list was something like, water plants, vacuum livingroom, clean kitchen. My list included things like paint house, install two miles of fencing, rework hillside, remodel bathroom...

 

And do you really think for a moment that this even begins to compare to biological needs? If your husband wants a maid he should hire one. I asssume you would prefer this to him hiring hookers? I can promise that maids are a hell of a lot cheaper.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Relationships have an ebb and flow to them. There will be issues and there will be good times. The husband has a legitimate issue when his needs aren't being met in his current relationship and he's articulated that to his partner and she hasn't worked on it. But he doesn't have a legimate reason to cheat. As an adult, he can navigate out of that relationship and move on to another one to find what he is missing by ending the previous relationship. You are over justifying and excusing his behavior. And confusing the legitimacy of his issue with the "legitimacy" of his behavior. His issue is legimiate, his behavior isn't.

 

That is a personal judgment. I chose not to cheat. So I understand your point. And I'm not saying a man should cheat. I am just saying that if he does there is a reason. It may be a moment or weakness or it may be something else. It may also be a flaw in his character, but whatever the reason, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum.

 

I also found it interesting how you blamed the wife for his cheating but then said something very causually about how maybe he just isn't monoagmous.

 

When did I blame the wife? I wasn't saying it's okay. I said it's a legitimate reason - perhaps he never should have married. I was making a logical judgment, not a moral one.

 

At what point is the man actually responsible for his own cheating? If the wife isn't giving him something he needs and he cheats, only he is responsible. If the wife isn't giving him something he needs and he's articulated that and nothing still changes and he decides to end the relationship, then that's her fault. But his cheating isn't her fault. Much too often when men cheat in relationships, the woman is blamed..she stopped having sex, she got fat, she stopped doing this or doing that. But men aren't communication experts and rarely do men articulate their feelings well enough for a woman to understand what is going on.

 

Look, I went through hell for years before I ended things, so I basically agree. But I also know that the lack of sex is a big issue for other family and friends, I know that the husbands have made a big stink about it, and i also know it just goes on and on this way. Trust me, many men communicate their needs more than adequately and the women simply ignore them because they know the husband only has two choices: Either live with it or turn your life upsidedown. It is a power play pure and simple. And it is a power play based in selfishness.

 

If a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband, she should end it. She is the one driving the choice, so she should take responsibility. The man has no way to know her mind. But what women want is for the demands of love and loyalty to apply only to the man. They want love on their terms, and too bad for Charley.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Robert Z